Trying not to hate parents

(70 Posts)
Babybirdz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:22:02

Well , my mother has just been over and as usual been complaining that I don't go and visit her or my dad who live 10 minutes away. I don't go for several reasons

* my sister in law who lives them will not speak to me properly, make eye contact and there Is an awful atmosphere whenever I go.( my DB told me that when he got married that she disliked me. ( she doesn't even know me )My parents were aware of this years ago but ensured the subject was never raised with her so as not to create tension!!

* my mother is a very highly critical person. Nothing I ever did when I was younger was ever good enough, not the housework, not the ironing,the cooking etc

* I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder during my teenage years and my mum knew but never did anything to help me. I know this because I was drying the dishes once and she said she new I always went upstairs after a meal to vommit.

*my parents were both physically violent towards me when I was younger and I can't bear for my Dd to go and see them, they criticise her, for running in the house when she is an active girl, when she makes a mess( plays toys on the sitting room floor)

I am 30 in stable happy marriage. I am of Asian origin hence my family telling me to be less selfish and visit them every day. Family unit is extremely important to them.

HecatePropolos Mon 31-Dec-12 09:55:28

I'm staggered that you say they think family unit is so important.

NOTHING you describe indicates people who value family. Nothing. They sound awful. Actually, they sound dangerous.

I'd bloody emigrate. You can settle somewhere else! Be a lot bloody happier.

What if they start on your daughter when they decide she should marry? Threaten to slit her throat?

drizzlecake Mon 31-Dec-12 10:10:47

YOu need to work out a method of giving the appearance of having a close family relationship (so that parents don't lose face) whilst keeping them at arm's length.

Perhaps you could call your sil on her behaviour. Ask her outright why she is avoiding you (you don't know she really dislikes you, and why would she? unless she is jealous that you don't spend time with the parents).

Is there a time of day when you can call but only stay a short time eg before getting DD from school?
Also as suggested above, take DH with you.
And counselling would give you methods of dealing with the stress.

Remember that this situation may not go on forever. Parents will age, become ill (quite likely with their stressful lives) and the harrassment might lessen.

Or you could move away and cut ties.

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats Mon 31-Dec-12 12:31:21

Take this business of being obliged to respect your parents: do they love and tend to and support their family? hmm That bit about throwing hot (scalding?) tea around is also pretty crazy. Can you see that they are hypocrites, and let go of your guilt about wanting to push back against them?

The throwing a cup of tea incident could also mean your father is lashing out in an argument, rather than being confident enough that his opinion/position is "respected". Probably why they are so critical of you: they want you to feel as though you have to "earn" their praise. Nice.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 12:55:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 13:00:51

My Dh is in a secure job and we have a house in a good area and I have some lovely friends. I have thought about moving away or even abroad but then think why should they force me out. Dd is settled at the local school which is excellent.

The irony of this is that my inlaws are truly lovely. I adore my mother in law who is the sweetest kindest lady ever.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 31-Dec-12 15:11:54

A cultural based self half group sounds like a brilliant idea. How/who can suggest to MNHQ? It is very hard for people not in cultures that expect so much to understand how hard it is.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 17:18:55

gimmecakeandcandy - that would be a great idea, having support from others who know cultural differences.

zombiemum Tue 01-Jan-13 13:42:48

Babybirdz

Your parents sound eerily similar to mine.

The control, the violence, the emphasis on family. Only now am I beginning to understand that it is about keeping up appearances within the Asian community. They don’t actually care about their kids-you know this all too well.

I am in counselling for the lifetime of abuse I have endured at the hands of both my parents.

I cut my parents out of my life in November 2011 and the world did not end as I had been conditioned to believe. My world is free of their toxicity; I can concentrate on my happiness.

If they don’t like it –tough. No amount of explanation, pouring out your heart, pleading for their understanding will make the slightest bit of difference; if your parents are anything like mine you exist only to serve them and take every verbal lashing, constant criticism they deign to mete out to you.

Ask yourself if you would allow YOUR daughter to be treated so?

I am assuming your DH is British as you refer to your MIL being a lovely woman? Either way he needs to support you and understand where you are coming from. It never fails to amaze me how some people who have received nothing but love and kindness and support from their parents fail to understand so completely the horror of abusive parents. It is as if because THEY cannot comprehend this reality that it does not exist.

As for your SIL-check out the website www.pakmarriages.com. The explanation for her behaviour is there. Its life a f***ing script that they follow. You are a threat to her and her motives. Simple. She is only looking out for her own needs and probably doesn’t give a shiny shit about family, integrity or simple decency.

Babybirdz Tue 01-Jan-13 23:50:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 00:57:40

OMG....

I do not bloody believe this

I AM NOT EVEN HALF WAY DOWN READING THE ARTICLE IN PAKMARRIAGES. COM. REGARDING SISTER IN LAWS

THIS DESCRIBES EXACTLY TO THE LETTER WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON IN MY FAMILY AND HOW DSISTER IN LAW TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME WITH MONTHS OF BEING MARRIED TO MY BROTHER AND SUBSEQUENTLY WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 07:22:59

Op - we need more of this back story? Is the sil writing bout you?

HappyNewHissy Wed 02-Jan-13 07:38:34

Read the link, it's not that the text is personalised, it's that it's so typical.

I've seen the same mentality from Egyptians.

OP, it may be too late for your DB to see what's going on, but it's another reason for you to get the hell away from your family.

Please talk to your MIL? They'll understand you, and I hope they'll help you.

zombiemum Wed 02-Jan-13 09:46:24

Its a huge eye opener.

My own SIL is right up there with the worst of them; as fake as they come. Thinks nothing of using people, family, throwing her weight around. Its disgusting.

Knowledge is power. Nothing good can come of sustained contact.

Hesterton Wed 02-Jan-13 09:53:44

But that article is awful, really appalling. It consistently labels every sister-in-law from Pakistan as a coniving bitch, without exception. It could so easily be used as fodder to bully a new arrival into the family.

I obviously don'r know enough about your personal circumstances, but really truly that is a dire piece of writing.

zombiemum Wed 02-Jan-13 10:06:13

Yep the article is awful. It has been criticised by those fortunate to have no experience of these issues.

Yes it is very one sided, it makes for very unpleasant reading. But there is a huge element of truth within it. To those unfortunate enough to be trapped within those circumstances, it is a living hell.

Hesterton Wed 02-Jan-13 10:09:21

There is also useful stuff in that website about avoiding forced marriage, and the possible problems of cousin marriage.

The sister-in-law article doesn't sit well with the rest of the site.

crescentmoon Wed 02-Jan-13 10:20:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crescentmoon Wed 02-Jan-13 10:24:05

Maybe I read the wrong article? Anyway OP iv struggled alot with the same problem. I can't go non contact but iv made myself very thick skinned around my parents- hardly anything gets to me anymore. I know how powerful that conditioning is, it's easy for others to say non contact but there are many stages between absolutely no contact and costing everyday. But I did move 400 miles away from both sides lol

yummytummy Wed 02-Jan-13 11:48:05

hi, no advice as such but would strongly second the idea of a cultural self help group as those not brought up in such a community will never ever be able to understand the issues and pressures and all the izzat rubbish.

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:21

Posting on this thread, it's made me face up to reality. . It's worse than I thought with sister in law. I'm looking back at times sister in laws friends have made odd negative comments about my Dd and Dh and it's made me think why on earth would they say that.. Now I realise she must be saying stuff to them about my family.

It's random stuff like Dd hits sister in laws children when no adult is looking! Dd is 5 and not cunning. She's a normal child and I've never ever witnessed this. . But sister in laws friends who don't really know my Dd say this. Sister in law is the only link. It's very obvious she will not acknowledge Dd when she sees her, or even say hi. When other guests are in the house she will be very friendly and chatty. It's not me being picky, but it's very obvious.

I've not been sleeping for the past few nights and I actually feel depressed knowing I have family members who I have to see are like this. It's one thing with me someone has an issue with but its worse when they play games with your child. I had to Move back home when heavily pregnant until dd was 2 months old. It was awful. Sister in law must have spoken onega rely spoke to me entire time I was there, my Dm complained to me not waking up early enough to do housework. I had ghost given birth.

I feel fed up right now am in tears and wish I could block all of this out

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 21:24:27

Being of Asian background I can relate to you about culture, respect, izat etc and totally know where you are coming from, although my parents are nothing like yours my inlaws are. I have therefore cut them off! I came to a point in my life after having my child and continuing to take their crap to say no more! If you can't respect me then get out of my life! I have seen them since!

Sometimes you have to forget about what people might say of think and think of yourself. You sound as if you have a lovely family - your DH, child and inlaws. Embrace that and move on. If you want to continue to see your parents, do so but on your terms. Keep it simple - hi, bye and that's it. Do the minimum and don't feel bad about it!

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 21:39:55

50shades, I understand what your saying. But in reality I won't be able to stop contact. They live 5 mins across the road and phone daily. . Even if I don't go to theirs, they will come to mine. That's just as stressful. Had a good long chat with Dp.Im truly blessed to have him. He says that we can't stop contact, because we would have to explain why. Not everyone will understand why we can't tell them how they are treating me, but to disown them in my heart and let their words go over my head. In reality how is this done? I am a sensitive person and have a history of anxiety. ( I get palpitations going to their house/ speaking to them). I need to grow up and be more confident emotionally and mentally. I know this. But have no idea how to get there. I used to think of suicide/ running away when I was younger ; this is how bad the abuse was. I locked myself in my bedroom once whilst my father stood outside threatening to cut my throat with a kitchen knife. How do i work on my confidence?

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 22:03:51

Babybirdz I totally feel for you. I think the fact that you live so close is an issue and it won't be so easy to just disown them. I agree though that you need to work on your confidence - definitely. And I know it's easier said than done to just cut ties. I still have palpitations when I think of my inlaws and anytime my DH suggests I try and 'make up' (it isn't happening) !

Maybe, just a suggestion, you should let the phone go to answering machine on occasions so you are not always available to them. Pretend you are not in when they knock and say later that you were out or busy. Don't always make yourself available to them - what can they do ?!
Do you have any friends locally? A baby/child group you attend or could attend?

You have to stop seeing yourself as the victim (I'm only saying this because I had to do same in respect of inlaws) and seeing yourself as the stronger person. It's your parents loss that they can't treat you like the daughter you deserve to be treated as and that means that there is something wrong with them, not you.

Sorry for any typos etc am typing on an iPhone.

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:12:31

50 shades, Defunatrly I need to stop seeing myself as a victim.Im sure around the time of my period I get more emotional and the past comes back to haunt me even more.

I have made some lovely friends who I regularly meet up with at soft play/ park/ lunch/ dinner at mine. I was always conditioned that friends were no good. Glad I'm changing my ways, better late than never.

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 22:15:23

Just keep putting yourself, your DH and your child first and you can't go wrong. You can't change the past but you can make your future ... Wishing you all the best.

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