To do exactly wat dm says?

(60 Posts)
kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:27:54

Dd is on an emotional day today... You no the one you say no nicely and they cry as If they've just seen all there toys thrown away. Was upstairs with dd an she has been in everything shes not supposed to so I've told her no which everytime has lead to a tantrum!! Dm came upstairs to bathroom and dd is having yet another tantrum so I told her to go to her room que dm yelling saying all she's heard is crying tried to take her from her room where I'd sent dd to calm down, so I Tom dd back to my room and said come on I'm
Obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you! Dm comes in shouting saying to dd "sit down just breathe dont do anything and you shouldn't get told off" and slammed my door! I feel that was so much of an exaggeration so I've told dm I will not tell dd off again no matter what she does which is currently banging on my wardrobe doors and jumping up and down on the floor ( soemthing dm would have gone ballistic About). Fed up of being told off for disciplining her or even just telling her no yet dm can whenever it suits her!! So I'm allowing dd to do what she wants ( providing she doesn't hurt herself) as I no dm will snap and the tell me off for not disciplining her Aibu ro be fed up and just do what dm thinks is right? Fed up of being told off for being A parent! It stems much further than this (I.e giving her crisps when she nos I'm making her dinner) but this has topped it!

i perhaps have been a bit too harsh. please know none of it was said to try and be mean or to make you feel bad. hope things are calm at home now.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 20:03:34

Thankyou smile

so you're prepared to write off a couple of years of your dd's childhood living like this because you are 'stuck'?

what do you think other people do? what do other single parents do? what do other people who haven't got loads of money do? how do other people get a home? how do they get fridges and furniture?

are you extra special in some way that we are not aware of?

i know i'm being harsh - lots will hold your hand - but i don't think you're doing yourself any favours with this whole learned helplessness crap. it may have worked pre children but it is not a strategy you can have AND be a parent worth having.

i think you can step up. either to sort things out with your mother and get in control of your temper and ignore hers or to get on and out and on with your life. not by meeting the next man or daddy coming home and rescuing you but by finally doing the adult trip.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:57:14

grin well, I was about due a good idea.

It's been a fair while grin

We aren't trying to be mean to you, or kick you while you're down, please believe that.

It's just that it's a lot clearer from out here than it appears to be from where you are and although it probably doesn't feel like it to you right now, we're on your side here and we're trying to help you.

apostropheuse Sun 30-Dec-12 19:49:02

If you can't get on with your mother, and she can't step back and realise that
she is the grandmother and not the parent, then you have to get your own accommodation, no matter how difficult you think it's going to be.

It's absolutely unfair on your child to live with this confusion and instability.

It's perfectly possible to have grandparents/parents/children living in the one household, but in order for this to be successful you need the adults concerned to be mature, sensible and reasonable.

When my grandson asks me for something I reply along the lines of..."Have you asked your mum? She's in charge"

When he says Mum won't give me/let me etc I reply..."She''s the boss, she decides what happens".

Obviously if I'm at home looking after him and my daughter's out then I make a decision - but always based on what I know/think my daughter would do were she there.

On the very odd occasion my daughter does something I don't necessarily agree with I shut my mouth and mind my own business - because I'm not the parent and obviously unless there was a serious issue of safety then it wouldn't be my place to voice my opinion. Thankfully that's never happened.

You also need to have your own space to retreat to within the home, even if it's just your own bedroom after you child has gone to bed. Turn it into a mini-sitting room with TV etc if you can. You can't be on top of one another all the time.

You also cannot abdicate responsibility for your own child's upbringing/discipline just to teach your mother a lesson. That's just daft.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:41:37

hecate that is actually a
Good ideablush ..... Will try that tomorro and see what happens. I don't want to be so rude that she refuses to do
Anything at all
With dd coz like I said her help with Dds problems are invaluable it's just the discipline area, hopefully it will work Thankyou smile

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:39:21

^^ do that!!

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:35:47

Don't argue with her.

Have you heard of something called the Broken Record technique?

you choose a phrase, or a couple of phrases and you calmly repeat them.

eg

X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"

click here

You do not have to get into arguments with her.

And you ignore your mother.

you don't argue with her. You don't walk away from what you are doing with your child. you don't sit back while your mother takes over.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:34:52

Right you just need to tell your mum to butt out of disciplining her altogether!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:32:46

How would she be parenting her completely? I don't get that if mum thinks she's making too much noise and she tells her off butbid think she's ok but don't say anything how is that in anyway abdicating my parental responsibilities or letting her take over parenting of my daughter?

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:55

Yes it would be easier to let your mother take over the disciplining/parenting of your child.

Destructive and absolutely the wrong thing to do, but definitely easier.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:33

I didn't say it's too hard it's pretty easy to carry on arguing with her about it. I will tell her that it's not right and that I decide why happens and when and why but until I move out I'm stuck! Even if I plan to move now it would take me about 6months and ignoring a few bills to gather enough money for a deposits and first months rent. Wat til then? My mum is stubborn just like me! Neither will back down! I'm simply saying wat do I do? In the meantime? Your right in that dd will pick up and i don't want that to happen so If mum goes to discipline her and i don't agree should I Leave it that's what I'm
Saying. When my mum is around if she tells her off before me and I think it's wrong should I correct her coz that in itself will confuse dd.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:23:58

So you are actually asking if you should abdicate your parental responsibility to your mother because it's too hard to parent your daughter with your mother in your ear?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:20:41

Nope why would I throw a fit? I'm not a child? However I do feel your beig slightly rude! And could have been a bit nicer!! The whole idea of 'letting my child do as she pleases' was yes today so she didn't cry although I did tell her no when she was going to do
Something to Hurt herself but, he worst she did today was
Lick a mirror and jump up and down on the floor? The main question behind it was would it be easier of I just let my mum take over disciplining her because we clash at every point. I will say no she will
Say yes and it is getting confusing for dd. until I move this will not be resolved completely as I said that's a couple of years off yet but otherwise we are just going to continue like this. In fact after watching a film dd was very calm and the well behaved child I knew before unmoved back in with my mum! She used to be a child that didn't even need disciplining! She could be told no once and that was it! Excluding the rare tantrums she used to have thanks to the dreaded terrible
2s hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:19:34

ok. I know I am wasting my time here, but just because something is easier does not mean it is the right or best thing.

Easier in the short term = harder in the long term.

You have to be a parent to your child independent of the relationship you have with your mother.

You don't seem able to achieve that under the same roof, yet you won't leave and you won't set boundaries with your mother and you appear to have convinced yourself that you are trapped in this situation or that you have some sort of obligation to be your mother's financial buffer.

Your daughter WILL come to pick up on how you live. It WILL come to affect her. She will see you being a child to your mother and will see your mother as the parent. Will this make her lose respect for you as her parent? Only time will tell. It WILL affect your relationship with her though and your relationship with your mother may well break down completely in time.

You really do need to think about how you want your life to be in 5 years, in 10 years.

It's not as far away as you probably think.

sorry bit more - the idea that you would let your young child do whatever she likes and ignore her behaviour (ergo her) to make a point to your mother is shocking. think about it. you're actually saying you'll abdicate taking care of, guiding, ensuring the good emotional state and well being of your daughter to win a point in an argument with your mother.

i really think you need to have a good long straight think and get honest with yourself. i suspect you'll just throw a fit at me instead though.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:09:20

I choose not to as it causes more tension, more arguments and it is easier to stay out the way! Swallow I am not sulking I am taking myself away from the ' mess' and Infact me and dd have had a great afternoon suing games and watching movies in 'mummies' room which she is non the wiser now about what happened earlier ! If it had been a week day I would have gone out for a few hours but shops shut a 4 and none of my friends were free. It is honestly just because we live together wen i lived away from home I had non of this.

and last question is why on earth should your retiring father have to buy you a fridge?????

you're a grown woman who has brought a child into the world.

utter mess.

how does a mum sulk in her bedroom for half a day and all night when she has a young child to look after? and what the hell is your dd learning from all this madness?

i'm going to step away because i don't think you are at all ready to take any personal accountability for your life and it will be an endless sea of yeah buts.

i've lived on minimum benefits with a child to look after single handed before so i know it's perfectly doable if you pull your big girl's pants up and grow up and act responsibly. doesn't sound like you're ready to do that and tbh i feel really sorry for your dd that she's in the middle of this JK mess.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:59:24

Why didn't you mention it to the waitress yourself? hmm

Now that you have gone to your room, is your DD with you?
Is your mother in her room?

confused

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:50:15

You honestly do read like a teenager.

I am nearly 40 and I feel like I'm 15 if I spend too long with my parents grin

It happens.

you have got to stop arguing with them. Change this weird dynamic you have with them where they are the authority and you are the child.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:48:23

Well, you can say something but you choose not to because you prefer to not say anything over having a row.

That again, is your choice.

If it slips her mind, unslip it. Every. Single. Time.

Things will not change until you are living separately.

At the moment, you are choosing to stay and pay her bills. This is the price you are paying.

When you decide it is no longer worth the price you are paying - you will make a different choice.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:47:28

I don't give in to her as such we
Argue really bad so when we do like tonight I stay in my room! Baring in mind we argued about 3ish? I think I've been upstairs since and will stay up here til tomorrow . Otherwise we end up clashing. It happens this bad about once a week? Maybe once every 10days?? We disagree over stuff everyday though! I'm the se
With my dad I'm too ;(probably childish) to want to be told what to do! I argued with my dad the other day because we went into a restaurant and where the waitress had told us to go Dds pushchair wouldn't fit I told dad to tell her and he wouldn't he just walked away I was stood for ages before a couple actually picked there table up and moved it about 2 meters so I could get past! Then it was my fault for making a fuss :/ that's why I'm moving when dad moves in. My dad wants me to find someone and move out so when he does come back here he wouldn't let me go without if I told him I was moving he would help with things like a fridge etc.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:33:59

If you can't move out straightaway, you need to remind your mother quite firmly every time she does this that you are handling the situation, you will do things the way you think is right, you do not need her help with disciplining DD thank you very much.

This has too many far reaching consequences for you to just remain silent and do nothing.

If your mother has this effect on you, you really need to move out, regardless of your mothers debts etc.

Do you 'give in' to your mother a lot to prevent a massive row? When you have a massive row, are you usually the one to back down, even when you don't think you are wrong, to restore peace?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:25:20

Oh and forgot to say my money doesn't cover all the bills so some have to be missed I.e quarterly bill has to go on payment card because we
Can't pay it straight off ... So my savings currently.... Well actually probably in the minus coz phone bill goes out tomorro!! shockBloody shockthing!

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