To do exactly wat dm says?

(60 Posts)
kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:27:54

Dd is on an emotional day today... You no the one you say no nicely and they cry as If they've just seen all there toys thrown away. Was upstairs with dd an she has been in everything shes not supposed to so I've told her no which everytime has lead to a tantrum!! Dm came upstairs to bathroom and dd is having yet another tantrum so I told her to go to her room que dm yelling saying all she's heard is crying tried to take her from her room where I'd sent dd to calm down, so I Tom dd back to my room and said come on I'm
Obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you! Dm comes in shouting saying to dd "sit down just breathe dont do anything and you shouldn't get told off" and slammed my door! I feel that was so much of an exaggeration so I've told dm I will not tell dd off again no matter what she does which is currently banging on my wardrobe doors and jumping up and down on the floor ( soemthing dm would have gone ballistic About). Fed up of being told off for disciplining her or even just telling her no yet dm can whenever it suits her!! So I'm allowing dd to do what she wants ( providing she doesn't hurt herself) as I no dm will snap and the tell me off for not disciplining her Aibu ro be fed up and just do what dm thinks is right? Fed up of being told off for being A parent! It stems much further than this (I.e giving her crisps when she nos I'm making her dinner) but this has topped it!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:32:46

How would she be parenting her completely? I don't get that if mum thinks she's making too much noise and she tells her off butbid think she's ok but don't say anything how is that in anyway abdicating my parental responsibilities or letting her take over parenting of my daughter?

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:34:52

Right you just need to tell your mum to butt out of disciplining her altogether!

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:35:47

Don't argue with her.

Have you heard of something called the Broken Record technique?

you choose a phrase, or a couple of phrases and you calmly repeat them.

eg

X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"
X is MY daughter and I will deal with this. It is not your concern.
"her reply"

click here

You do not have to get into arguments with her.

And you ignore your mother.

you don't argue with her. You don't walk away from what you are doing with your child. you don't sit back while your mother takes over.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:39:21

^^ do that!!

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:41:37

hecate that is actually a
Good ideablush ..... Will try that tomorro and see what happens. I don't want to be so rude that she refuses to do
Anything at all
With dd coz like I said her help with Dds problems are invaluable it's just the discipline area, hopefully it will work Thankyou smile

apostropheuse Sun 30-Dec-12 19:49:02

If you can't get on with your mother, and she can't step back and realise that
she is the grandmother and not the parent, then you have to get your own accommodation, no matter how difficult you think it's going to be.

It's absolutely unfair on your child to live with this confusion and instability.

It's perfectly possible to have grandparents/parents/children living in the one household, but in order for this to be successful you need the adults concerned to be mature, sensible and reasonable.

When my grandson asks me for something I reply along the lines of..."Have you asked your mum? She's in charge"

When he says Mum won't give me/let me etc I reply..."She''s the boss, she decides what happens".

Obviously if I'm at home looking after him and my daughter's out then I make a decision - but always based on what I know/think my daughter would do were she there.

On the very odd occasion my daughter does something I don't necessarily agree with I shut my mouth and mind my own business - because I'm not the parent and obviously unless there was a serious issue of safety then it wouldn't be my place to voice my opinion. Thankfully that's never happened.

You also need to have your own space to retreat to within the home, even if it's just your own bedroom after you child has gone to bed. Turn it into a mini-sitting room with TV etc if you can. You can't be on top of one another all the time.

You also cannot abdicate responsibility for your own child's upbringing/discipline just to teach your mother a lesson. That's just daft.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:57:14

grin well, I was about due a good idea.

It's been a fair while grin

We aren't trying to be mean to you, or kick you while you're down, please believe that.

It's just that it's a lot clearer from out here than it appears to be from where you are and although it probably doesn't feel like it to you right now, we're on your side here and we're trying to help you.

so you're prepared to write off a couple of years of your dd's childhood living like this because you are 'stuck'?

what do you think other people do? what do other single parents do? what do other people who haven't got loads of money do? how do other people get a home? how do they get fridges and furniture?

are you extra special in some way that we are not aware of?

i know i'm being harsh - lots will hold your hand - but i don't think you're doing yourself any favours with this whole learned helplessness crap. it may have worked pre children but it is not a strategy you can have AND be a parent worth having.

i think you can step up. either to sort things out with your mother and get in control of your temper and ignore hers or to get on and out and on with your life. not by meeting the next man or daddy coming home and rescuing you but by finally doing the adult trip.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 20:03:34

Thankyou smile

i perhaps have been a bit too harsh. please know none of it was said to try and be mean or to make you feel bad. hope things are calm at home now.

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