DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

(239 Posts)
BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:12

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

ithaka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:31:16

YANBU, it would upset me as it would be so out of character for my husband not to say - 'yay - look what I got!' and we could have fun together deciding how to spend it.

It would be up to him how he spent it - it is his present, but he would want to share the fun and excitement of choosing with his family.

ViviPru Sat 29-Dec-12 13:36:40

God if this happened to me and DP I'd just assume that the £1000 would go into the pot. It wouldn't even cross my mind that it's HIS money to do with as he pleases.

I'd be like 'shit the bed, I just clocked that cheque - Hyacinth and Victor were generous this year!! Shall we fritter it or use it to fix the xxxxxx*?" (*Insert any number of dilapidated/broken items here)

ithaka Sat 29-Dec-12 13:41:27

I know what you mean ViviPru, my husband would probably put it towards a family holiday, but I didn't want to post that and sound too smug about my lovely husband (he is, though).

Oblomov Sat 29-Dec-12 14:00:56

Actually, I don't agree. Op does know that df gave the chq. It was done openly.So there is no secrecy. But she went looking. My lovely mil gives all her children a large amount, at christmas, every few years, for inheritence tax benefits. Dh and i always discuss it. But I see it as his money, from His mum, and he ultimately decides how it is spent. We save every month for holidays anyway, so I would never want him to spend it on, say a family holiday.

Salmotrutta Sat 29-Dec-12 14:05:54

This has maybe already been suggested but maybe he asked his dad for a loan for something and was uncomfortable because he hasn't told you?

Could he have money worries or be saving for something?

JumpingJackSprat Sat 29-Dec-12 14:10:27

why dont you just talk to him about it like an adult instead of "waiting to see if he puts it in the joint account". why the bloody hell should he do that?! its his gift! grow up and talk to him!

The more obvious answer is he has asked his dad for a loan. Or else why would he just glance at it and put it away? Would not the normal response be "Wow! Thanks Dad. That's so generous of you!"
[Unless of course his dad is Donald Trump.]

YANBU so you need to speak to him about it.

jessjessjess Sat 29-Dec-12 14:13:38

I don't understand. Why didn't you just ask him instead of snooping through his stuff?

You sound very passive-aggressive and controlling. I suppose it depends how you handle money anyway but my father recently gave me a larger sum than this as he offered to pay for some private dental treatment I have to have (long story). I tried to tell DH the amount and he waved me away saying it was none of his business.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 29-Dec-12 14:15:45

Why would you assume its family money anyway. You and the children were given your own presents, this was for your DH to spend as his christmas present.

I wouldnt be happy if i gave somebody a present and there OH believed it was theirs by default.

polkadotsrock Sat 29-Dec-12 14:29:38

Christ, people saying you hope that he leaves her. How awful to wish that on someone just for looking at a cheque. Has curiosity never once got the better of you?
OP I would find this very odd from my DH but I would just ask him outright. It's not nice to set him up for a fall by waiting to catch him out and might cause a bit of an atmosphere. Please just ask him then you can figure out what to do/say or can just relax as if he tells you the truth

ChristmasJubilee Sat 29-Dec-12 14:35:46

I gave my dsd £1000 for Christmas. She has recently had a baby and is not going back to work. Childcare would be far more than she earns. The only money she has is her child benefit and a small amount of tax credits. Her dh gives her money if she asks but I wanted her to have something for herself.

I gave her the check when we were on our own. I expect she will show it to her dh but I wanted her to have the option.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 14:46:33

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

foxache Sat 29-Dec-12 14:53:51

Yes, 'I hope he leaves you' wtaf??
Some people really will write anything.

Yanbu, OP, maybe just tell him you saw the cheque, or ask him about it. (I thought of the Royle Family too btw grin)

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:02:44

Not sure I follow this...

You aren't married so he is in fact a single man receiving a gift from his parents as indeed you have received a gift from his parents.

If he had received £10 would you be upset about him not telling you? It is his business what he gets from his parents and it probably wouldn't enter his head to tell anyone because it's private - a gift from his parents to him. What he intends to do with that money is his business. Is it because it's a large amount you're unhappy? If so, think about what that conveys.

If he had been given an expensive gadget worth £1000 would you want a share in that too. I dont think it's unreasonable for an adult given a monetary gift from their parents to keep it for themselves or spend on family as they see fit without mentioning every last penny. Surely there's a limit on how much you're chained at the hip with a padlock and have something of an independent life. You aren't married but acting like you own him and his possessions.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 15:04:37

happy I think there is some commitment expected as it seems they have DCs together.

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:19:14

Okay, so once you have children it becomes unreasonable to keep a monetary gift given to you from your parents to yourself when your parents have also given an amount to your partner? I wouldnt even question it if my in laws gave my husband a sizeable amount, or indeed any amount I didnt' know about. Not my business and never will be. It's an extra. It's not the family wages to budget with- it's an extra, a personal gift for said individual to mention or not and to do whatever he wants with.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 29-Dec-12 15:21:54

PessaryPam, why does he have to share HIS christmas present just because he has children with the OP?

Has the OP had her own christmas presents, i see no mention of her selling them all so that she can share with her DP.

The present was given to him by his own father, she was also kindly given money off him too for herself. Its not her father and he doesnt have to treat them equally if he chooses not too.

The OP wouldnt even have known the amounts were different had she not snooped, thats very wrong and most adults would be livid if their OH went through their pockets or handbags etc.

PessaryPam Sat 29-Dec-12 15:29:28

It's the secrecy in a relationship that worries me. DH & I would tell each other.

FredFredGeorge Sat 29-Dec-12 15:31:26

PessaryPam So you're worried about the secrecy (not that there necessarily was any since it would be pretty vulgar to be showing off the cheque while DF was giving it and the OP was snooping just a little while later before they possibly had any opportunity to discuss it. But you're not worried about the snooping?

happyinherts Sat 29-Dec-12 15:32:18

Perhaps he's learnt his lesson before. Once you start saying, oh, look what my father just gave ME, partners start mentally spending it for you and you start getting resentful.

ZenNudist Sat 29-Dec-12 15:41:30

Why are you annoyed? It's not like he even had much chance to mention it casually before you pried through his things. What do your suspicions tell you he will spend it on? And what do you want to spend it on?

Binkybix Sat 29-Dec-12 15:57:16

I'd thnk it was odd if my DH didn't tell me at some point, but I would see it as his money, not mine.

If it was a huge amount we would probably discuss whether to do something joint, but I wouldn't expect it. And if I'd wanted to know I'd have asked. Why did you snoop instead of asking?

The way you told the story, it doesn't sound as though you gave him much time to talk to you a about it. Did you expect him to say in front of everyone how much it was? Might have been a bit odd?

yohohoho Sat 29-Dec-12 16:26:40

I bet he knows she had a look and that's why he isn't saying anything. He is probably wondering how long it will take before she snaps.

If she knows she is nosey, he does too.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Dec-12 16:28:56

It's a private gift to him from his dad.

Nobody else's business

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Dec-12 16:48:35

I've just read the whole thread and I'm gobsmacked at the amount of posters who think a cash gift given to one person is for sharing even if all members of the family have also been given a cash gift by the same person.

Note to self next year and in the future make sure I remember to stop giving cash gifts to my family unless I intend it to be for there gf/ bf as well.

Silly me I thought addressing each gift to each intended person was enough.

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