To NOT go storming around to 13 year old dd's friend's mum's house

(123 Posts)
Shagmundfreud Fri 28-Dec-12 19:01:06

... bang on the door, and shout 'Why on earth did you give my dd diet pills? Are you insane woman?' Because a) she's MUCH bigger than me and b) she is insane?

background: dd has been friends with girl since they were 3. They were at nursery together. Have never communicated that well with mum or felt I know her well - her Mum's English isn't great (she's French Algerian), and her life is quite chaotic - six kids, one of whom is brain damaged from a fall from a window a few years ago. Mum has physical and mental health problems.

DD came home from their house last week with 12 diet tablets in a blister pack. God knows what they contain - googled them and found very little information. I think they're the ones which absorb fat from food. But could be more than that. Whatever, they've gone in the bin, and we had to endure an evening of screaming and shouting from dd, who is slightly overweight (allergic to exercise and fond of eating crap), who had been persuaded by the friend's mum that these tablets could be the answer to her problems.

I mean really - it's bonkers isn't it? But I'm afraid of this girl's mum as she's a bit unstable and VERY outspoken. I was once witness to her screaming at another mother in the street over something to do with comments which had passed between their daughters. So I won't be saying anything to her. Just binning the tablets and telling dd she's NEVER to take anything without our say so, and that diet pills don't work.

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants Fri 28-Dec-12 19:56:20

I hear you about the overeating Shag.

Same here with good food at home.

My son in Yr 7 actually picks up coins from the school yard (can hardly believe it but it's the done thing to throw away coins of 5p or under). He then spends these on crap in the garage on his way home from school.

He will not take exercise unless it's bike riding with us away from traffic or walking up mountains or 'swimming' ie playing in the water with friends and eating chips from the cafe afterwards (why do they serve these in leisure centres ffs)

Watching for solutions with interest.

mrsjay Fri 28-Dec-12 19:57:07

I mean her weight is, obviously relevant. But solutions to it is not what the OP is asking for right now. That's what I meant.

you are right we got sidetracked this woman gave a 13 yr old pills and it isn't ok

Shagmundfreud Fri 28-Dec-12 19:57:50

Mary - how old is your dd?

My dd has a toddler brain at the moment, combined with raging teenage hormones.

She wants what she wants (to stay up until 3am every night, go out with her friends every day, or if not go out, spend the entire day horizontal eating and texting). Any attempts to thwart her in her attempts to do what the hell she wants result in massive screaming outbursts, epic sulks, door kicking, etc.

If she reaches 18 without me killing her or running away from home myself, I'll consider it a huge parenting success.

Amothersruin Fri 28-Dec-12 20:07:06

you have posted about your dd before have you not? i agree with another poster that you do seem very woe is me and not proactive. however if she is only a stone over weight then perhaps its only puppy fat? i would be more concerned about the screaming and vandalising of your home.what are your punishments for such behaviour or do you just shrug your shoulders again?...

Shagmundfreud Fri 28-Dec-12 20:10:09

I just shrug my shoulders now. Not.

Because we've tried grounding her for months at a time.

Taking her phone away for months at a time.

Sending her to bed early for weeks on end.

Talking to her in an adult way, trying to be consistent, calm, hold the line.

But none of this has stopped the outbursts or defiance.

It must be that we is just crap parents. sad

Shagmundfreud Fri 28-Dec-12 20:13:47

Meant to add - I know I need to say something to dd's friend's mum.

I'm dreading doing it though.

MaryChristmaZEverybody Fri 28-Dec-12 20:15:03

dd is 16 now.

I'm a crap parent too [comforting].

Because I can't physically force her into a pair of runners and put her outside the door, making sure she doesn't come back in until she has been for a run.

Or should I?

blueemerald Fri 28-Dec-12 20:15:07

With regard to the diet pills I would ring NHS direct/GP and the police for advice. I would perhaps get in touch with school (the mother may be giving these pills to her children).

I would suggest confiscating the phone, unplugging the wifi and trying to do some enjoyable together. Even shopping involves walking around. Also emphasise that the mother is not slim.

mrsjay Fri 28-Dec-12 20:15:54

maybe if your dd sees your standing up to the mum she might tow the line better, teens are hard work but worth the effort

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:17:16

It's very easy to say " Do this, that and the other, but very very difficult to put into practise with teens.

I see this as two problems

1. The stupid woman who gave her the pills . . I would have a word with her. Even if she doesn't listen, I would feel obliged to tell her how wrong she is.

2. Dd's weight.. Very tricky to tackle without WW3 starting. Can you boost her self confidence so that it doesn't seem like you are criticizing her. I think getting the whole family into a bit more excersise is the best way. I was concerned that my DD was getting a bit rounded ( she has since grown into her curves) . I put some of her music on and started doing silly dancing to it. She couldn't stop laughing and did join in. We now do ' mad dancing' quite often.

Shagmundfreud Fri 28-Dec-12 20:17:29

"I would suggest confiscating the phone, unplugging the wifi and trying to do some enjoyable together"

<hollow laugh as remembers futile shit storms caused by taking above action on multiple occasions>

MaryChristmaZEverybody Fri 28-Dec-12 20:17:42

By the way, if you still have the tablets take them to your local pharmacists. They will identify them, and probably be able to refer you to a couple of scary websites with side effects.

If you can convince her that side effects include spots, greasy hair and skid marks, she might realise they aren't such a good idea.

The trouble with dealing with the mother is that if she is the type of person who thinks it's reasonable to give diet pills to a 13 year old, she is probably not the type of person to listen to reason. So you may have to treat her like a child too, and tell her a complete lie - such as that your dd is allergic to everything - rather than try to persuade her that she is wrong.

I dunno. I can cope with the kids, it's the parents I struggle with hmm

Bobyan Fri 28-Dec-12 20:18:12

You sound as though you have no say in what your dd eats, where she goes, who she sees and her life generally.
And worst than that you sound as if you have given up trying. I think diet pills are the least of your problems.

MaryChristmaZEverybody Fri 28-Dec-12 20:19:43

But Bobyan, by the time a child is 13, you don't control what they eat outside the house. Or who they are friends with. And if you are fighting a lot, sometimes you have to pick your battles and take a step back. Otherwise you would go mad.

[bitter]

Amothersruin Fri 28-Dec-12 20:20:27

i dont believe you have taken her phone away or grounded her for months either.sorry but i remember your other posts and it sounds like you let her away with murder.believe me its not that long.ago since i was a teenager so i know how much they push but you must be the parent here.starting by going round to see this woman.

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:20:28

Easier said than done though. I am also a rubbish mum. I've had a bit of counselling and have learnt that it's not just what I say to my teen but the tone in which I say it.

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 20:21:19

So what happens when you try all those things? She carries on regardless, even though she goes nowhere, speaks to no-one, watches nothing?
Really? Nothing makes a difference at all?

mrsjay Fri 28-Dec-12 20:21:39

there really is only so much controlling you can do with a 13 yr old concerning eating tbh they are at high school have their pocket money blah blah, dd1 used to eat chips at school most days when she was that age,

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:20

Op have a read of MaryChristmasZEverybody other thread on teens. People are less judgemental and have some fab advice on there.

Bobyan Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:24

Yeah your right, she's reached the ripe old age of 13. Let her hang around with who she wants, eating crap and potentially taking drugs.
hmm

I think the suggestion of taking her and the pills to the doctors surgery might be a good way to shock her re the pills. Maybe check with the doc first? She needs to know that accepting random pills is NOT a good idea. Next step is drugs from some cool older boy...

I prob wouldn't confront the other mother both for my DD's sake and for my own!

Tough one, OP on the weight/healthy eating front. what about dance classes? Street dance is fairly cool (but then I am 33 so what do I know?!), or trapeze skills - something mad and different maybe?

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Dec-12 20:25:48

I think people are being unfair to you, OP. I know that before my daughter hit the age of 12 I had no idea how rapidly someone could change and how much she would dislike me.

Some people have children who go through adolescence without a problem. That's just chance. Luck.

One of my children had an easy adolescence and the other didn't. It wasn't because of me. It's just the way the hormones hit them.

Suggesting the child acts in a way that a non-hormonal child might act just indicates people don't understand the actual problem.

Doinmummy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:26:02

nanny some teens really really really don't listen. nothing works in the end. Trust me, It just don't work like that with some. If you have a teen for whom punishment works, then count yourself very very lucky.

Amothersruin Fri 28-Dec-12 20:26:16

shit storm? i assume you are talking about your dds reaction to punishments? at 13 i was still getting a clip around the year....u

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 20:29:02

If she reaches 18 without me killing her or running away from home myself, I'll consider it a huge parenting success.

My DD is 18 in March!! I will breath a hugh sigh of relief.

It is easy as a parent of a 7 year old to offer parenting advice to a parent of a teen but totally irrelevant.

Maybe take her to the doctor and ask if they would prescribe these pills for someone with her BMI (they won't if she is 13 and only a stone overweight) and why they won't.

I personally would be on the phone to the police and SS. The police because you have no idea what is in those tablets and they may get more sense taked in to her than you ever could and SS because they may have concerns about her giving them to her own DD.

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