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To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

(498 Posts)
creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:35

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don’t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 14:57:06

I have had a baby by a man who said, Okay, we can have a baby - and then decided it wasn't the right time, which tbh it was a bit soon, and started behaving like a complete arse because he didn't want it. And he was miserable, and I could understand that.
And he walked away, and I told him to go. We've barely seen him since and our child is now 5.

I took all the responsibility. I asked the CSA not to chase him up. I didn't want reluctant involvement. I was, and still am, sorry that he has a child he doesn't know, and almost feel as if I stole this baby, but then he behaved so badly about it, after we had had unprotected sex, and I'd become pregnant, that it was kind of a two way issue.

I am very happy not to have him in our lives and hope that ds isn't missing out too much. But at no point did I force the bloke to do anything he didn't want to do - he OTOH marched me to the abortion clinic when I was barely able to walk and hadn't eaten for a few days, to try and make me get rid of the child. Among other things.

People react in differing ways to pregnancy. Cutting a bit of slack can be important but really, the woman takes the ultimate responsibility as she is carrying the child and cannot walk away.

Iamsparklyknickers Fri 28-Dec-12 14:57:23

Yabu.

Clearly she was in denial at the end of her relationship and has delayed her reaction till having to face the fact that he's off abroad.

Don't most people have a situation they've buried their head in the sand over at some point? Can you really not empathise?

Imho, this has nothing to do with termination and more to do with her realising she really is on her own with this. As her friend you should be able to but on a pair of non-judgey pants and comfort her over the break-up. That's what she's just realised. Unless she's started making noises about wanting to terminate when she had the chance, you've no right to presume that's what she would have done without her head in the clouds.

Even new mums with a husband rubbing their feet have wobbles about coping. Don't be so sanctimonious

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 28-Dec-12 14:57:25

'it turns out DNA says it wasnt even his!!'

You saw the DNA results then? Dd1 is not her father's either according to the DNA results. I guess they sent us different copies of the results because that's not what my copy says.

It is the woman's choice and yes, the man needs to suck it up and get on with it. It's not ideal, but it is the risk you take when you have sex. You can't just turn your back on your own child because "it's not fair". Well, you can, if you're male. You shouldn't be able to.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:28

Creamteas I do wonder if you have never been pregnant yourself or encountered, personally, the issue of whether to have a termination.

You don't have to answer that but unless/until you have, you cannot understand that it is not an easy option for most women.

If you have then well, that may be your experience of it. But it isn't everyone's by any means.

I booked about 5 and cancelled each one. I wanted to do what he wanted and yet I could not. To me, it felt like drowning a kitten.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:38

life is not as black and white as you think it is. Its not as easy as just having an abortion. she may of been much worse off if she had one. and obviously she was hoping he would change his mind. a lot of decent men do. you sound quite cruel.

SantaKittenClaws Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:20

Your friend got pregnant last year, and is still pregnant now?? Is your friend an elephant?!

If you are indeed for real then I'm glad you're not my friend op. A little empathy wouldn't go amiss....

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:27

"suck it up" "get on with it" "risk you take when you have sex".

Hope you don't post on any threads where a woman is contemplating an abortion, doin, or are you just incredibly exist in your attitude towards parental responsibility?

CailinDana Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FreePeaceSweet Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:48

As the sister of a disgusting excuse of a human being ( a 'man' that has helped to produce two children that he has abandoned) I find it utterly shameful that this man is not even considering a financial contribution to a life he helped create. You don't get to go around impregnating women and washing your hands of the bit of fun you leave behind. Every person should be responsible for their own ability to create babies. If you don't want a child then do your utmost to make sure you don't make one. "She told me she was on the pill etc etc..." is no excuse. In the words of Jezza "Put something on the end of it." There are some thoroughly stupid people out there. BOTH sexes.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with the fact that they should never have has sex. Just not realistic.

And in a fair world he would say "I support any decision you make" however in the real world he offered her cash to eliminate the "problem", however distasteful it sounds, from the outset it implies he wasn't interested.

That she thought she could win him round - completely delusional.

Does she have practical and financial support,op? Are you cutting her off now?

SarahWarahWoo Fri 28-Dec-12 15:02:27

Yabu and not supportive. Your poor friend, I wish her luck and hope that she has some good friends around her and enjoys motherhood.

skullcandy Fri 28-Dec-12 15:02:39

so a baby managed to get through condom, pill and map?

or were they only using 1 and surprised?

I know it does happen, but the chance of it happening with all 3 in place is miniscule.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Fri 28-Dec-12 15:03:09

and they both made the decision to have sex and she is taking responsibility for their actions. she just sounds upset about the way it's worked out.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 28-Dec-12 15:03:50

If expecting a man to parent his own child is sexist, then yes I am.

The woman is the one who has to go through the procedure, she gets to chose.

If a man is determined to not become a father, then he shouldn't have sex. He cannot rely on a woman having an abortion if pregnancy occurs and you cannot just decide to walk away either.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 15:03:51

My own sister did something like this the other day...expressing her disdain and anger that I kept my baby, when I 'could have had an abortion' - she's never been pregnant, never had an abortion. Or a child.

She just doesn't get it.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 15:04:23

'The her body her choice brigade are certainly up in force on here!'

No, but women colluding in misogyny against others certainly is. hmm

creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 15:06:05

rooney I have 4 DCs, have had a termination and 2 miscarriages, oh and I am adopted so experienced quite a lot of the reproductive possibilities.

I really don't understand the assertions that providing sperm is the same thing as being a father. Mothers and fathers are the people that raise and care for you, and to me this does not necessarily have to mean biological connection. This is probably because I am adopted.

The man here has no intention of being involved, he made it very clear, so he is not going to ever be a father.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 15:06:14

If not her body, her choice, then wtf is the alternative? Strapping down women and removing their babies forcibly? Really?

If men were the ones who had to carry the pregnancy or have the termination, I'd support their right to choose as well. But they're not.

It's basic physiology and human rights.

samandi Fri 28-Dec-12 15:06:53

YANBU. You're trying to be sympathetic but it's difficult when she's wanting something that was stated very clearly was never going to happen.

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 15:07:36

'The her body her choice brigade are certainly up in force on here!'

and?

TheFallenMadonna Fri 28-Dec-12 15:07:46

Thing is, owing to biology, men only get a choice in one part of the reproductive decision making - whether to have sex or not. After that, it's not a decision they get to make.

You make the decision to do something that might lead to a baby, you follow through on it if the baby comes along. You don't get to opt out on being a father because it isn"t what you wanted.

And it might seem unfair that men only have one decision point, and women get two, but then it seemed unfair that I had to be the one to take the risk of pregnancy if DH and I wanted children. But that's how it works.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:08

"If expecting a man to parent his own child is sexist, then yes I am.

The woman is the one who has to go through the procedure, she gets to chose.

If a man is determined to not become a father, then he shouldn't have sex. He cannot rely on a woman having an abortion if pregnancy occurs and you cannot just decide to walk away either."

Applying double standards to the choice is, so you are.

If a woman is determined not to become a single mother, then she shouldn't have sex outside a committed long term relationship. She can't rely on him having a change of hear if pregnancy occurs, and you cannot just tie him up in the living room either,

CailinDana Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:28

Creamteas - the point is not that he made himself clear, the point is that your friend is upset and needs support. If you can't provide that then you need to let her know and walk away, not judge her and expect her to behave according to how you feel.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:33

She shouldn't have presumed he'd change his mind. He said from the off he didn't want the baby. Her choice to keep it. Financially I don't know where he stands.

But if this were my friend I would be doing all I could to help her now. She's having a baby in 4 weeks and could do with support I'd be guessing.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 15:08:39

Ok Creamteas, then you have an understanding of the issue of abortion and perhaps more than I do.

But I thought you were implying that your friend should have had one, which isn't a very valid answer imo to what she is currently experiencing. I hope that makes sense.

Yes she could have. It would have been an entirely different outcome in every way and perhaps she did not want one.

It doesn't mean she deserves no sympathy now for what she is going through. So on that basis, yabu.

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