Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

(498 Posts)
creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:35

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don’t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

whistlestopcafe Fri 28-Dec-12 14:15:17

YABU. You don't sound a great friend.

scrumpkin Fri 28-Dec-12 14:16:53

Your poor friend sad

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 14:17:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BigShinyBaubles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:18:38

Its understandable that shes scared but with supportive family and friends she'll manage.
Plenty of people dont want children but accidentally get pregnant and the men come around to the idea, maybe she thought it would be the same for him?
Maybe you need to be abit less judgemental and more supportive

quoteunquote Fri 28-Dec-12 14:19:39

He also knew she was pregnant and made a choice to walk away, just because he demanded she had an abortion, that she didn't have, doesn't mean he can pretend he isn't involved,

He is involved, his child has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be abandoned, he needs to face that now, and do everything that is right for that child.

So does he want to be know forever as a person who abandoned his child?

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:20:13

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

skullcandy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:20:21

contraceptive failure?

you mean they didnt bother using it.

HappyJustToBe Fri 28-Dec-12 14:20:35

YABU.

skullcandy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:21:29

oh, and yabu.

he is still the father, he can't just wash his hands of it.. you don't bump uglies without knowing its a risk.

Icelollycraving Fri 28-Dec-12 14:22:25

My dh was not particularly over the moon understatement when I got pregnant. I continued with the pregnancy & he had a change of heart a week before I was due. It was ridiculously stressful but I knew I wanted ds.
Perhaps she was hoping for the same secretly. She will need a lot of support.
Yabu.

MimiSunshine Fri 28-Dec-12 14:22:26

She's probably had other people in her ear telling her "that he'll come round once he meets the baby" she's probably been imagining a romantic reunion in the delivery room.
Yes she's been a bit of a fool, but go easy on her, she's delayed her heartbreak over their 'break up' and now is panicking.
Just remind her that she choose to go ahead and that took some strength so she'll be ok and she'll have plenty of support from friends and family

SayMama Fri 28-Dec-12 14:22:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

2048 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:22:54

Hi creamtea
You ANBU, what does she expect you to do? I'm sure you will be around for her, has she thought of adoption? It's a bit late to wonder how she will cope.

FrancesBabyHouseman Fri 28-Dec-12 14:22:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 14:23:24

you are not being unreasonable at all.
she made this choice for herself.

you might want to be friends, you might not, but you can't pretend that the man didn't make himself clear. she's on her own and she chose it.

sorry. scary. but her choice.

NotAnotherPackedLunch Fri 28-Dec-12 14:24:24

YABU.
I hope she has some actual friends to support her as well as the type who slag her off.

YABU and not very nice. I can't imagine feeling this way about a real friend.

They are equally responsible for the pregnancy. No one can make him have a relationship with the mother but he is a real jerk for abandoning his child, who didnt' ask for any of this.

What a coincidence he's moving abroad just when he would have to start paying child support.

Go ahead and be a bit exasperated with her if you want, but unsympathetic? Really? wow.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 28-Dec-12 14:25:40

Wow you sound lovely OP, can't you just be supportive to your 'friend'? If not then she is better off without you or the loser dad in here's and the child's life

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 14:26:17

I think 'friend' is a poor description of you tbh!!

Seriously, do you think she should have had an abortion then?

Will you expect to be allowed near the baby you wish dead?

She needs support and understanding and instead you are saying she should have had an abortion on his say so.

Womans rights? Heard of them? You know, where the woman gets to decide what to do?

Had she had an abortion and been traumatised by it, would you be supporting her through that?

kinkyfuckery Fri 28-Dec-12 14:26:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

yougottaputmeon Fri 28-Dec-12 14:26:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

YABU. She cannot help but feel devestated. So she got pregnant. So it was a mistake. His mistake too and it doesn't mean that she should be punished for it just because she decided (bravely I think) to go through with the pregnancy.

Maybe she did think he would come round to the idea, maybe she has feelings for him and hoped he would for both her and the baby.

She can cope (I did) with helpful friends and family. You should be supportive of her as she will need all the help she can get. Even just a shoulder to cry on.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:27:24

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 28-Dec-12 14:28:02

Her's even

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now