to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?(229 Posts)
My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.
I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.
They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.
Also, if you spend on dp, he would be sponging off you, in a manner of speaking. If he paid your way, you would be sponging off him. But that is how marriages/ relationships are - codependent.
If pil provide the house, both of you would be sponging off them. Big difference.
Don't start the relationship on an unequal footing and having to be obliged to pil for financial assistance.
Kobaya, there are always strings attached. Not because pil are manipulative, but because that is the way it it.
Why fight it? Take the flat, as you are unmarried, you have no claim on it, so it is an early inheritance for their son from their POV.
If you are worried about the financial bit, put aside what rent would cost into a savings account and decide what to do with that in a few months/years - ie it would be a deposit or nest egg if you needed to move out and the PIL turned out to be evil.
If it all works nicely, then useful deposit/help for a move to a bigger house in a few years with DC2.
When I was at medical school, a lot of my friends had houses bought for them by their parents to share with friends as a student house. I thought this was appalling (and my parents were in no position to do this) but for a lot of people with the money, this will be the normal thing to do.
Make sure there are no strings but then I would accept it. I've grown up since I was appalled at medical school - it is a lovely thing to do, and if you have the money isn't this better than spending it on endless cruises?
Wealthy people are no different to poor people - most will accept you for who you are, regardless of where you are from if you look like you work hard and care for others. If met as many poor snobs and arses as wealthy ones.
Yabu. Nice one for landing yourself a well off bloke. Definitely take the offer. If and when the in laws piss you off you can always move out and give it back to them. If you get offered a break in life then take it with both hands!
Take the flat! Seriously, no point wearing a hair shirt when there's an alternative. I understand you not wanting to be indebted to them, but so long as you all see where each other is coming from, there needn't be a big problem. As others have said - think how much you'll be able to save for the baby with the money you would have spent on rent.
I was in a similar situation - my parents in law offered my husband and me a place to live rent free (with some conditions - they ran holiday accommodation and we lived on site, and were thus an out-of-hours contact) and it worked out brilliantly for us. We would have really struggled without their generosity.
Look, stop over thinking it.
They're not giving you a flat, they're giving it to their son. You're about to move in together - had he already owned his own home (mortgaged, outright due to inheritance, whatever) would you refuse to move in?
If you would and you want to feel the home belongs to you both then negotiate, agree rent.
Personally, I would just feel fortunate and the money saved would be put aside for (hopefully) buying a bigger house together in the future when he would have the money from the flat and you would have the money you've saved and it would be your first jointly owned home or (possibly) in case the relationship doesn't work out and you need to move out as the flat is his.
And forgot to say, OP, congratulations! Both for your bump and your PhD field. Bet you will have amazing years ahead as a mum and a great career to boot
What a kind thing to do. I would love to have been able to do this for my DC. All that property/accommodation worry removed from their shoulders.
Just accept graciously.
Or, alternatively, cut your nose off to spite your face.
I would accept. I got a few generous gifts (admittedly nothing like a flat but in the context of my parents means generous) when dd was born - I didn't want to accept - it seemed to much - but then I considered would it be something I would do for my child if I could and the answer was yes.
If you were as secure as your bf's parents and your child came to you in your situation would you do the same? I would. Let you bf take the flat, save what you can, as others say you don't know what's round the corner. Pay it forward to you child in 20 odd years.
They are giving it to their son and gc not to you. If they are giving you the flat outright and it makes you nervous have them sign it only in your bf's name - you would only have claim to it if you married him or he signed you on to it.
If there was no baby on the way I woukd understand your reluctance but you would be very unreasonable to put your principles and pride above giving your child the best possible start in life.
Take it. It isn't about you. They want to support their son and grandchild. You will feel the same about your own child. As a parent I would want to move heaven and earth to support my kids.
First babies are tough on relationships and med school is tough too - but not having to worry about the rent or not having another room where you can get some rest/head space will help it.
Sometimes you just get lucky, accept it gracefully. It's not irreversible anyway.
If they put the flat in bf's name (as is most likely), op has the worst of both worlds.
How much is the rent on a studio flat (OP are you in London?). Say it is £1200 a month. So OP's share is £600 quid.
By living in pil's gifted flat op saves £600. But at what cost? Potentially pil dropping in frequently/unannounced to see grandchild. Expecting op to spend holidays with them and fitting into their lifestyle.
She hardly knows pil. Cannot assess what will be expected. Pil may not know themselves yet, till grandchild comes along and emotions run high.
OP, my advice is that for the sake of a measly £600 or so quid a month, don't put yourself on a potentially unequal situation.
Don't worry about saving £600 now, you have great earning potential in the near future. You and dp will have a joint income of £150k+ in the near future. Plenty to buy your own place. And if you need financial help with a deposit, take it then. You will be more confident and have established your relationship and boundaries by then.
Living in a studio flat with a baby would be stressful enough , but trying to study for final exams too with a baby of 10-12m who may well be toddling and into everything by then, might be nigh on impossible.I think this is what your PILs are thinking.
Really - OP is not daft to have concerns about this. She doesn't know these people.
It could be (and hopefully is) that the parents are just lovely, kind and generous people who want to help out their son and his partner.
However, it's also not unknown for people to make excessively generous gifts as a means of controlling others and making them feel indebted. Considering this is not being awful, it's being sensible.
I mean to say she doesn't know them very well.
She might not know them. Their son does, however. Seriously, thay have been together 5 mins and already having a baby, but that doesn't mean she can control his relationship with his parents and what gifts he accepts from them.
"OP, my advice is that for the sake of a measly £600 or so quid a month.."
Flatbread, you're a lucky woman indeed if you think £600 a month is "measly". It's not far off my total monthly income.
Of course (this to flippinada) OP is not daft to have concerns. But these can be allayed by ensuring that everyone understands each other from the start, and knows what is expected or not expected of them.
OP it may be with their kind of wealth a flat is nothing to them TBH. I would accept with good grace.
If I could do this for my dc I would. (sadly I can't)
Totally disagree with everything flatbread said.
Take the flat. If it doesn't work out, move out. No reason to think they have weird expectations of you or will be letting themselves in. In fact they sound absolutely right, the last thing you'll need to have to worry about is rent. I don't know many people who think £600 a month is 'measly'.
How lovely of them! To start married life in the best possible way without money worries. Say thank you and start thinking about decorating your baby's new room.
My dm bought my db a flat when he got married. Otherwise they would have been living with us or her mums Probably still there now as well.
It doesn't matter who's name its in, it doesn't sound like its going to be rental and anyway, it's family. All will be shared out one day. Buy them some flowers, and chocs, say how happy you are and be happy congratulations btw.
That's true Emma.
Maybe if the OP would feel better about accepting if there were safeguards built in, such as a contract written up?
Otherwise it could get nasty if (god forbid) they split up or the parents suddenly changed their minds.
I think it's nice of them.
And I agree with a written contract that it either belongs to both of you, or only to him.
For them it might not be such a big deal, financially. And maybe they always intended to give something big when he got married.
They probably don't want you all (including grandchild) to have to just get by.
BTW, I don't think they would offer a flat if they thought you were a gold digger.
You are doing a PhD (paid, so you certainly have the merit to do it) and have a career, FGS.
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