to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

(229 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 13:55:09

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 14:11:05

Also, some parents who would do this sort of thing are actually manipulative, controlling people who think that being financially generous entitles them to abject gratitude and obedience. This may not be the case, but it's not unreasonable of the OP to be a bit cautious at first.

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:12:23

They would like their first grandchild to have a nice, secure home and have the financial means to provide that, thus taking the pressure of thier son and you while you finish your studies. What's the problem? You are clearly working hard and I doubt they see you as a gold digger.
Be gracious and accept would be my advice, you can always arrange to pay them back in future when you are earning fully if that would make you feel better.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 28-Dec-12 14:12:52

I would so take it but that's me. If you are worried talk it through with your partner but like another poster said its for the 3 of you

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:27

I'm worried the OP will become financially dependent on these people, and make herself vulnerable.

OP, you don't say what your profession is. By "doctorate" do you mean PhD? Are you intending an academic career? Will you be financially independent?

I'm sorry if I sound like a harbinger of doom, but I was royally shafted by ex-DH's parents in similar circumstances, and I so wish I had checked the legal position at the time!

twentythirteen Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:59

I also see where you're coming from. I come from a different background to my xH and struggled with big gifts. However I think each one needs to be considered independently. This is a gift to your family and will presumably make things a lot easier. If you are worried that you look like you got pg on purpose then you can always suggest it's kept in his name.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:03

Bit harsh to call the op ungrateful.

MolehillAlchemy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:17

What lovely parents he has, and how lucky you both are that they offered. Accept with good grace, at least until you are both out of education and supporting yourselves. I don't think it's relevant that they don't 'know' you. You are their son's partner who is expecting their grandchild, reason enough to make the offer if they have the means to.

You must be a very determined and self-reliant person to have come through the care system and be doing so well. I imagine they think you're wonderful! Don't spoil it.

Adversecalendar Fri 28-Dec-12 14:14:26

Well I get what your saying as DH and I are from incredibly different backgrounds. Three of my siblings spent time in care and DH is from a very privileged background. DH Mum has always wanted to help and I found it interfering, it took me a long time to realise that almost all of it was her just trying to be nice.

If they are wealthy enough to help let them, I think Mil would have preferred a jolly hockey sticks kind of a gel for her only DS but after 15 years she knows I love her son and that is enough for her.

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 14:15:06

When you have your baby - congrats btw! smile - you will come to realise that it's completely normal to offer your child and their family security if you can afford to do so, which is all they are doing.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:15:20

Take the offer and think no more of it.

I am genuinely gobsmacked by this. Really?!

cantspel Fri 28-Dec-12 14:17:43

It might not be normal in your background to have flats to give to adult children but it doesn't mean it is not normal from his background.

From your op you have posted nothing that they have said or done to you that should make you think they dont accept you or think there is anything wrong with you being the partner of their son and mother of their grandchild.

Accept it with grace and welcome them into your life as they are clearly trying to welcome you into their family.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 14:26:22

MimiSunshine 'Just be honest and say that your uncomfortable with that level of generosity which you really appreciate but worry that it's too big a gift.' - That is exactly what I said.

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake 'I think it is a very wise move on his parents part as it guarantees their investment in him he will finish med school.' - I would NEVER ever have asked him to quit uni.

EuphemiaInExcelsis, it's a doctorate in Clinical Psychology and fairly well paid and yes, it's a pretty financially secure career.

They own lots of property and suggested we 'have the flat', so we don't have to 'worry about rent and have a property of our own'. They have been nothing, but friendly and kind, even when we sprung our news on them. I do get that the whole 'chip on the shoulder' thing is my problem. BUT, it's not as if they are offering to buy us a crib. It's a flat!

Startail Fri 28-Dec-12 14:27:55

Accept and save all you can between you.

The best way to show you are responsible is to be responsible.

I have a very wealthy relative, who is irritated by her son and his wife because they just expect hand outs and do nothing to help themselves.

She has a way better relationship with her DD who behaves in a far less entitled manner.

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:29:48

I would NEVER ever have asked him to quit uni. you wouldn't, but his parents might have seen it as a posibility, that he would that is, not that you'd ask him. And maybe they would have given him the flat when he finished uni, and have just given it earlier?

IkissedSanta Fri 28-Dec-12 14:38:16

I think that's what parents do, we give what we can for our children your bf s dp are in the position it seems to be able to give you a home.

by all means check to see what if any the strings are. I suspect their sons education is uppermost in their minds at the moment and they just want to do what they can to make it easier for you all.

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 14:38:59

But if they acept then there are certain restrictions. That they will spend or save their money in a certain way, that they will behave in a certain way. I'm not suggesting the parents have ulterior motives but in accepting, they are restricting themselves in how they choose to live their lives.

WipsGlitter Fri 28-Dec-12 14:42:04

What exactly is your problem with accepting? Is it just that you are un-used to this level of generosity? Or is there another reason. It's sounds like they are not actually giving it to you for perpetuity but just as a stopgap over this period.

GrimmaTheNome Fri 28-Dec-12 14:43:52

They're probably delighted their son has found a clever, non-gold-digging partner. They may well be pleased that they'll have grandchildren before they're ancient, which is what can happen with women with PhDs/career plans.

Do get your BF to sort out the terms and conditions properly - but if they want to make life easier for him, you and their grandchild I can't see why you shouldn't accept with joy.

From their POV, is there anything more important they could spend their wealth on? Bear in mind that if they may have been planning to help your BF with his housing when he graduated anyway - affluent families often do, makes much more sense than keeping their dosh themselves for the government to take 40% of when they die. With interest rates so low at the moment, money in the bank is just being eroded, putting some into property is sensible.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 14:44:57

So do they mean they will transfer ownership to you or live there rent free.

Because that's 2 very different things.

You need ground rules and something in place I case you split up. You don't want to end up out on your arse.

But living rent free whole you finish studying isn't such a bad thing. Why struggle if you don't have to?

They probably see you are not a gold digger and are working hard to secure your future and don't want want you to struggle. Its for their sons child as well.

McBalls Fri 28-Dec-12 14:45:03

So it's a flat they own already, how clear have the discussions about this been? They either mean (I assume)

A) move in rent free for now
B) move in and pay rent or
C) they will actually sign over ownership.

I guess if its C then it will be their son they'd be signing over to? Would be bonkers if they were gifting a property to someone they'd met a few weeks back.

I think you may be over thinking it.

ImperialSantaKnickers Fri 28-Dec-12 14:49:07

Thanks to inheritance we are in the fortunate position of having more than one house. We will be giving one to dds in due course. They don't know that yet, we don't want them or their partners to be to make assumptions. DP and I benefited this way from our grandparents and we'd like to pass it on.

I doubt they expect any sort of extra input into how you live your lives once you're in the flat they're either giving or lending you. Take it in the spirit in which it's meant and use the money you save on rent to save for your own place in the future.

Oh and congrats on the bump btw!

foreverondiet Fri 28-Dec-12 14:49:58

Don't freak out - they can afford it, want to help their son, future daughter in law and grandchild. Its not clear whether they are offering to lend flat or buy flat, but if they are buying it maybe they were planning to buy him flat eventually so figured he'd need it sooner rather than later.

Besides they know eventually he'll have a good salary - I would say their ulterior motive is ensuring that he finishes medical school - I'd do the same for my child if I could afford - and I think thats a reasonable ulterior motive.

Please just accept it - they mean well, its good they are being supportive.

sooperdooper Fri 28-Dec-12 15:00:07

I can totally see why it's a shock, but I think you should definitely accept - but find out more about exactly how it will work practically, just do you're aware of the facts, will it still be in their names or yours etc

You're actually in a very lucky position for them to be so generous, don't focus so much on backgrounds, it doesn't necessary matter

SarahWarahWoo Fri 28-Dec-12 15:25:47

Do they want me as a DIL too? Yes yes yes to the new home for DGC surely!

Congratulations on your baby and the lovely family

Glup Fri 28-Dec-12 15:36:50

Hmmm. I see your issue. I have similar PIL. They didn't buy us a flat, but they contributed financially towards our flat to such a high level that there is no way we would have been able to buy it without them. Several things:

1. The flat isn't for you, but for the grandchild.
2. If they appear lovely and you think the father is, 'the one', then you will need to tread very carefully, either in refusing the gift or accepting it, so that money will never get in the way of your relationship. I would look into legal situations....perhaps ask for them to put it in their son's name/ grandchild's name thus taking you out of the equation. I can understand that it could place you in an awkward position.
3. They wouldn't have given it at all if they didn't like you and, if you explain that you don't want to feel beholden/ a golddigger to them at such an early stage in your relationship, I think they would respect you for it.
4. If you think your background is likely to be an issue, perhaps explain the situation to them.

Blimey. Good luck with everything!

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