to think that my sister is too soft with her daughter

[pinkandred]

Ive cooked xmas dinner today for 15. 9adults and 6 children. My sisters daughter is 7 and has a gluten intollerance. Aside from that, she basically seems to eat when she feels like it. She has no set mealtimes and if she doesnt fancy eating at normal family mealtimes she carries on playing and they will cook for her when she decides she's hungry.

For xmas dinner today, I had bought and cooked separate gluten free food that looks exactly the same as everyone elses food on the plate. She decided she didnt want any of it and left the table to go and play on the wii. My sister and her dh didnt say anything and continued to eat. She asked me to put the wii on but I refused and said I would put it on when everyone had finished their xmas dinner. I asked her dd to come back in and to at least try some of the turkey but she refused. My sister then told her that she could play on the ipad until xmas dinner was finished and then aunty xxx (me) would put the wii on for her.

Straight after dinner when all the clearing up had been done, she complained she was hungry and asked me for the desert (which, again, I had bought alternative gluten free desert for her). She didnt eat that either and proceeded to eat handfuls of nuts and haribos.

I'm completely pissed off that I spent money on gluten free food which I should have known she wouldnt eat. But then for her to be allowed to leave the table and play on the wii when the other children were sat well behaved eating their dinner really annoyed me. We have an open plan living/kitchen area so the other children could see her playing.

[YerMaw1989]

Are the other kids older ? or younger and impressionable? x

[pinkandred]

They range between 5 & 12

[whistlestopcafe]

YANBU

[itsmineitsmine]

Yanbu. I felt bad that i let my two yr old down early from christmas dinner today but she did sit at the table for most of it (though didnt eat, predictsbly) i let her skt quietly and crayon. Would not have allowed her 4 yr old sister to do the same but dd2 was overtired and generslly cranky due to the very late hour lunch was served.

[Morloth]

I don't know, for Christmas Lunch I have a pretty relaxed view of what kids can do.

DS1 sat with the grown ups and ate all his meal but DS2 was up a down and outside and just generally amusing himself as he had already eaten his body weight in chocolate that morning (he is 3).

Annoying about the waste of food as she has special dietary needs, but is it really worth worrying about it?

We are having another Christmas today with extended family and I am sure the kids will be running around playing with their new stuff instead of sitting nicely, who cares? It's Christmas, the one (or in our case 2) days of the year where you can just chill about being 'sensible'.

[Fairylea]

Hmm difficult.

Would it have been better if she stayed at the table and didn't eat? In a mood?

It's her Christmas day too and if she didn't like the food I'm not sure making her sit at the table does anyone any favours.

I understand you're annoyed about the waste of food but as someone in a family of coeliacs gluten free special stuff is pretty gross.... my mum for example would have been happy with the turkey and veg. All gluten free.

But it was nice of you to try and make the effort.

[LemonBreeland]

I would be annoyed too. Next time I would be asking your sis to bring food for her dd.

I would also have considered doing the my house my rules thing since there were other children there. I would have told he she had to sit at the table whether or not she was going to eat.

[emsyj]

I think in general that arguments and battles about food are pointless, but have to say at 7 she is old enough to say 'no thanks' to the food but accept that she has to sit at the table during lunch/dinner and join in with the social aspects.

I would have saved her meal and heated it up later without fuss, but would be peeved about the eating of sweets and nuts instead of proper food.

But it's your sister's business. People have very different ideas about dealing with food and children.

[Catsdontcare]

My ds is very fussy and tbh eats when he feels like it and I don't bother making it an issue. We went to mil today and she asked if She should get anything in special for him. I told her no, he could eat what's available or not but not to go to any trouble. I didn't make him stay at the table either.

I think as you had gone to the trouble of making something special for her then her parents should have told it would be polite to sit and eat. In future don't make anything special, suggest to mum and dad that they bring her a packed lunch in future

[pinkandred]

Fairylea, I dont really think that she didnt like the food. Turkey, veg & potatoes are all gluten free anyway. I bought the same gravy, bread rolls and little sausages (for pigs in blanket) that she eats at home. I dont think she didnt like the food I just think she didnt feel like eating. If she normally ate well and was just overexcited on xmas day I could understand it a little. But, at age 7 and knowing that she basically eats as and when she feels like it just gets on my nerves. We havent got money to waste.

When I was putting the food on the plates I knew she wouldnt eat much so I just put a small amount on but she insisted on having the same as everyone else. It riles me knowing that I had to pile it on knowing that it would end up in the bin.

[HollyBerryBush]

Your house, your rules. No leaving the table until everyone has inished. I don't see the problem in making that clear.

Don't eat what is put infront of you, you go hungry.

[pinkandred]

Morloth, I think there is a big difference in what is acceptable behaviour for a 3 year old and a 7 year old at the dinner table, even on xmas day.

[MrsJourns]

Whilst I think you are a very kind and thoughtful aunt, my advice as the parent of coeliac children is don't take it personally.
Eating away from home can be very stressful for both children and parents, in my own DCs case even one crumb of food with gluten in it results in several hours of projectile vomitting. So being surrounded by 14 plates of 'poison' may not be easy for your DN, and if she's away from the table your sister won't have to worry either. Also coeliac children can be very wary of trying different food as they associate this with making them ill and as a pp said gluten free stuff can be dire.
Your niece is very lucky to have a thoughtful aunt, but it is very easy to be judgemental about food intolerences until they affect you or your children.

[whois]

Leaving the table at seven is fucking rude and displayed bad parenting. The special food is a side issue and annoying but the real problem is being pandered to and not being taught good manners, it's not hard for a 7 year old to sit at the table and talk to people for half an hour.

[FabulousFreaks]

I totally agree with MrsJourns. A history that associates food with pain means you have to deal with eating in a completely different way. So perhaps your sister is not being soft. But perhaps it is the lack of recpgnition and gratitude for your hard work that is more at fault

[alemci]

YANBU - you really tried hard and gluten free stuff is expensive. Her parents should have made her sit their IHO. I agree Whois.

Also why should she be allowed sweets when she hadn't even tried her dinner. No no no.

[Catsdontcare]

Agree fabulous it was inconsiderate of your sister to let you buy and cook food that she knew in likely hood wouldn't get eaten.

I used to be a bit about parents who pandered to fussy eaters but ds2 has taught me the error of my judge ways!

[pinkandred]

Mrs Journs, thank you for reply. I do sympathise with my dn and also with my dsis in dealing with the difficulties that being gluten intollerant comes with. But, do you think this is a good reason, at 7 years old, to leave the dinner table to play with toys whilst everyone else continues to stay seated.

I think at 7 years old she should be able to sit and tollerate being at the dinner table. As an outsider looking in it looks to me that she just wants to snack on rubbish and is being allowed to get away with this because of her intollerance.

[Floralnomad]

As your niece is 7 have you not found this to be an issue before ? Personally I've always let my children leave the table when they've finished eating ,but then they don't come back for dessert !

[pinkandred]

zzzz they pretty much did eat everything yes. Not sure what you mean by that comment though. It wouldnt bother me if they didnt eat everything anyway, although I would be annoyed if they just said they didnt want it, went off to play and then wanted to eat nuts & sweets within 1 hour.

I'm not strict about mealtimes, even less so at Christmas, but I do expect my children to eat something at mealtimes and if they really dont feel like eating (which is very rarely) then they wont be filling up on snacks.

[TheCrackFox]

It can't be much fun sitting at a table watching everyone else eating delicious food that you can't eat as it would make you very ill.

[pinkandred]

Fabulous, I understand what you're saying however, she was very quick to want sweets, nuts and snacks within an hour of not touching her xmas dinner. She didnt seem to hesitate to get stuck into the tin of chocolates, there didnt appear to be any fear of those making her vomit.

[pinkandred]

Flora, she's only recently been diagnosed. In the past she has always just been labelled as a fussy eater. Whenever she has been to my house for mealtimes I have basically given her oven chips & fishfingers which seemed to be the only thing she would eat. Looking back, I dont even know if this would have contained gluten, but she hadnt been diagnosed with it then.

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

YANBU it drives me insane, my 10 year old neice didnt even last the starter - my 2 year old has better table manners, next year we are staying home