To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

(281 Posts)
azarragye Sat 22-Dec-12 17:31:30

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me angry So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

Hope you've all had a wonderful time today, and that DD2's DD was thoroughly spoilt smile

mumat39 Mon 24-Dec-12 20:49:29

I can't think of any reason why a 'good' person would take it out on someone's child, just because they thought that person was a 'drama queen'. Tbh, the MIL can't have any reason that Are rational or acceptable reasons for excluding the little girl. Who does that? ESP at this time of year?

Also, DD2sounds like she's been through a lot. She was told she couldn't have children then her partner decided that she wasn't good enough. It's no wonder that she's been finding things tough. Instead of supporting her through what must already be a difficult one, her ex has basically blamed her for something she can't help. She is bound to be feeling tears and emotional and maybe her confidence has been shot to pieces too. Also I bet the MIL is the sort of person who also thinks it's a failing if a woman can't reproduce!

I am full of admiration for DD2 for actually taking on the responsibility of her friends DD. I was a mess when my ex cheated on me, ESP as he'd made me feel like I was going mad. I couldn't function so DD2 is amazing for giving the little girl a home where she is clearly loved. This sounds like a very selfless thing to do.

I imagine DD2 is the sort of person who would have taken this little girl in even if she had children of her own. If DD2 is anything like her amazing Mum, then she obviously has a lot to offer.

OP, I hope you all had a lovely day out today. Merry Christmas to you all for tomorrow and I hope you all have a lovely lovely stress free Christmas Day.

Take care, xxx

electrica234 Mon 24-Dec-12 19:31:21

Are you sure there are definitely no grounds for DD2 being called a drama queen over the issues this year OP? Just trying to work out where MIL may be coming from.

MrsFlibble Mon 24-Dec-12 19:08:13

Last minute if family had to be blood related my DD would have no blood relations on her dads side, or family from my DM's DP's side.

Family is what you make it, not what nature says it should be.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 24-Dec-12 18:12:02

I am soooo glad I don't think like you lastminute you sound just as nasty as the mil...

God there are so many vile vile people out there.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Mon 24-Dec-12 17:03:42

lastminute-blimey you sound like you are the mil.
Family can be family, blood related or not!

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Mon 24-Dec-12 16:37:13

Nope...tried really hard to understand what you are saying there last minute....

It's still a load of heartless bollocks however way you cut it.

(I have a feeling you have not read the thread very carefully either because your interpretation does not fit with the facts)

LoopsInHoops Mon 24-Dec-12 16:28:49

Oh my god another vile... oh no, I won't say it, got deleted last time. grin

TidyDancer Mon 24-Dec-12 16:26:56

Hi again OP, just wanted to say I hope you and your whole family (especially the birthday girl!) are having a fun day together. You sound like a lovely bunch. smile

lastminute - what a horrible post. You should apologise for that. I don't expect you will though.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 15:58:47

Oh OP, I didn't mean to worry you. I think if there's history there then she's probably fine (although evil natch). I was probably overthinking it, it doesn't look like its truly come out of nowhere, does it?

I hope you're all having a lovely day.

nkf Mon 24-Dec-12 14:49:54

Someone offered to host Christmas Day in her place but she said no. She's being a martyr rather than a saint.

firawla Mon 24-Dec-12 14:38:56

wtf, she can't exclude a child like that and phoning so last minute too - awful. hope you sort something out

MrsReiver Mon 24-Dec-12 14:32:16

Last Minute. What a horrible thing to say. perhaps you should pop round to the mother in law's for Christmas. it sounds like you have a lot in common.

SDTGisAChristmassyWolefGenius Mon 24-Dec-12 14:13:09

Lastminute - the dd2's dd has barely met dd2's dad, so spending christmas with them would be like spending christmas with strangers. Tbh, it sounds like she has had a pretty difficult time of things recently, so sending her away to spend christmas with strangers would be pretty horrible, wouldn't it?

HollaAtMeSanta Mon 24-Dec-12 13:12:52

Clearly she was not being a saint but a martyr, lastminutepanic. Even if the food had been bought, Christmas dinner could easily have been relocated to the OP's house.

Oh, and "non-family" are no more likely to have infectious diseases than family.

And it is not for the OP's DD1's MIL, let alone you, to judge the OP's DD2's motives for taking in a young child in need. I think it would actually be harder for a single and childless person to take on a 7yo than it would be for someone who already had a family, but that's by the by.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 24-Dec-12 13:09:55

Last minute, you know nothing of the OP's DD2 to make the frankly shitty assumption that she would not have been keen to be her DD's legal guardian had she been able to have her own kids. Do you think that is the only motivation someone has for stepping in to take care of a child in need? And the MIL here had the option to let the OP have everyone for Xmas to take the weight off if it was too much for her.

FeelingFestiveCheerMum Mon 24-Dec-12 13:09:21

Lastminute that is a horrible thing to say about dd2. Jeez.

Pickles77 Mon 24-Dec-12 13:07:22

Bloody hell. I can have my own children and I'd be honoured to take legal care of a friends DC hence why I take god parent duties very seriously.
I think most people would say the same as the care system in this country has a bad reputation!!

lastminutepanic123 Mon 24-Dec-12 12:58:53

Coming down on the other side of the argument here but I think you're the one BU. MIL doesn't know the girl DD2's looking after, she's not related to her and she's not currently part of the ILs family either. Her DH is ill and she's being a saint and still agreeing to host xmas, maybe she doesn't want non-family in the house in case of her DH getting ill- his immune system's probably down as it is. You said that MIL suggested the girl could go to your DD2's dad's for xmas- well why can't you do that? Of your DD2 really is serious about looking after her long term then she needs to get to know that side of the family too, that way everyone gets a good xmas and poor MIL and FIL aren't left alone with xmas dinner for however many.

Do you think DD2 would have been so keen to look after her friend's girl if she could have her own DCs? I think that's the point MIL's trying to make.

Pickles77 Mon 24-Dec-12 12:42:34

Have a fantastic day xsmile

FeelingFestiveCheerMum Mon 24-Dec-12 12:33:52

Happy birthday azarragye's dgd xx

Hope you all have a fab day xx

azarragye Mon 24-Dec-12 12:25:09

Ohhhh gosh I hadn't thought of stroke/dementia confused What to do??!! Will mention to SonIL and see what he thinks. MIL has apparently never been overly keen on DD2 ( she doesn't have a 'proper' job, I won't say what she does but it's perfectly fine as a career, not eyebrow raising, just not
what traditional MIL counts as 'proper' IYSWIM. Though this has never been said in front of DD2 or me before, this is what DD1 has told me now in light of recent events.

On the plus side DD2's DD is having a lovely birthday so far smile Still rather worried about her mum but trying not to think about that and just enjoy today and tomorrow, then we'll deal with all that!

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 10:59:52

Chub I have to admit this has crossed my mind as her behaviour has escalated. I guess only sonIL really knows if this has come 'from nowhere' or has been an escalation of some long-held dislike of the dd2. If it really has come out of the blue I would actually be a little bit concerned. It can be one of the symptoms of dementia too iirc.

Chubfuddler Mon 24-Dec-12 10:41:40

Has she suffered some sort of episode? I mean it's just not normal behaviour is it? It's like she's become wildly disinhibited - vile comments, turning up demanding her presents. Has she had a stroke?

OhTheConfusion Mon 24-Dec-12 10:26:10

Just dropping in to say Merry Christmas Azza. Hope you have a lovely day out with your grandaughter for her birthday and a fab day tomorrow. smile

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