To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

[YourHandInMyHand]

So she is excluding A CHILD from her "family xmas". If she won't budge I'd stay at home with your DD2 and the little girl she is guardian for. Next year when it's your turn to host just invite "family".

It seems odd she is excluding a young child. Can't see why she would do this TBH.

[cozietoesie]

Tell her you won't be coming, get in as much rough Xmas rations yourself as you can, and host your own meal. Dreadful to exclude a child.

[SantasENormaSnob]

That is just fucking cruel.

[cozietoesie]

By the way - I wouldn't go even if she recants and says 'Oh bring her then'. It might be made awkward for the little 'un.

[Bearandcub]

Explain calmly that she in the process of adoption as you say and she is therefore family.

I have to say it sounds an awful lot for her to host. Perhaps offer to share up duties or financial cost

[lunar1]

Wow, I could understand if she had said no to the whole thing but to wand to exclude a child is bloody horrible.

[TidyDancer]

She sounds utterly vile.

As cozie said, I wouldn't go even if she takes her words back, she is unlikely to make the little one feel welcome if she's capable of such horrible sentiments.

Tbh, I would cease going there full stop, the woman sounds like a horror.

[Shelby2010]

Tell her that as the child is too young to be left home alone, you will be hosting Christmas for your other children at your house. To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe the MIL is a bit overwhelmed with sick husband etc & hadn't quite realised the situation with the nearly dd.

[TidyDancer]

Btw, what did she expect your DD to do with the little girl? Leave her home alone?!

[MimiSunshine]

Wow, complicated lot there.
I can't see how DD is any less family to her than your DD2. After all she's 'just' her daughter in laws sister. But she's clearly made the distinction in her head somehow.
I wouldn't bother having any further discussions with her, she didn't want to hear you before so won't now. You've plenty of time to get the food in, have Christmas with your DS, DD2 and her DD. Let DD1 and DP know they're welcome to come but you won't make them choose.

[RandomMess]

[Tarenath]

I think I have my head around the matter. The problem seems to be that your DD2 is welcome for Christmas dinner with the ILs but her fostered (for lack of a better term) daughter isn't? I have no idea how to handle it but I agree with you that she should be included as part of the family. In your situation I would be tempted to have DD2 and her DD to my house for Christmas but I have no idea what sort of a rift that would cause in the family! I have a stepdaughter and I made it very clear to my parents that she was part of the family and I wouldn't have her treated any differently to my biological son so I totally understand why you're upset. Family is more than just blood and marriage.

[cozietoesie]

I'm likely to have a child at my house next week who is no actual relation by eg blood or long term association. He'll be getting a small pressie and a selection box in exactly the same way as the other kids who'll be there. That's Xmas for me anyway.

[MammaTJ]

Where did they imagine the child was going to go if her mum is invited but she isn't?

[MrsTomHardy]

That is awful to exclude a child from Christmas!
I would stay home with your DD and her DD and do Christmas at your place. Next year don't invite them to Christmas at yours!

[MsElleTow]

If I were you, I'd go to the supermarket tonight or tomorrow and get enough in to do Christmas myself! Even if I were DD1 I would be telling her to fuck off and wouldn't go too!

What a mean spirited old hag!

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Ok. It is a bit confusing. But, your daughters inlaws, are hosting for their own family, for their son and your dd, and your other adult ds and you, and this year you expect them to also include your other adult dd and prospective adoptive child?

How many are coming from your inlaws side in total?

How many are coming to yours the years you are hosting, aside from your own son and daughters?

This year, when your dds mil has her husband recovering from major abdominal surgery, and is bound to host Christmas, and have probably bought all the food and planned it all, she suddenly has to cater for more people that she does not know, than she normally does?

I bet she really regrets not taking up your offer of you hosting, but she possibly felt she couldnt, baring in mind the cost of buying all the food.

I just get the feeling that she is really exasperated.

Maybe it is time you start hosting Christmas for your own immediate family every year, and just let your dd1 come every second year to yours?

[PumpkinPositive]

Christmazilla! Don't go.

What does DSIL think of his ma's stance?

[LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas]

Don't go

[CaHoHoHootz]

Firstly, I have to say that you have written a very clear OP. Well done!


I wouldbe careful not to escalate this too quickly. SonIL's DM may have not thought it through and may have spoken without thinking of the consequences. Obviously, she was still totally out of order, rude and mean but you may wish to give her another chance. Is it possible to speak to your SonIL, or maybe you could get DD1 to raise it. Without knowing all the dynamics of the family it is hard to know how to deal with it best.
If you find that your sonIL's DM really did mean it then obviously none of you should go. You will need a last minute shopping expedition!
Good luck. I hope it turns out ok.

[MrsReiver]

But Gold the MIL was ASKED if it was okay for DD2 and her foster daughter to come, she said okay and now she's taken back the invitation for the foster daughter but not DD2.

OP - get thee to Asda and get your own Christmas dinner in and have a lovely small family Christmas at home.

[Doha]

Selfish cow.
I would have xmas at home with DD2 DS and the wee one. It sounds like she was wanting you to do a whole lot to help her out this year and yet she still wants to exclude the wee one.
I hope you tell DD1 the reason why you won't be going this year ans stick to your guns-even if you get an apology and late invite.
What she has said is beyond cruel.

My DSister and myself were adopted and many moons ago there was a family wedding to which my DP's were invited too but my DSister and l wasn't. Obviously my DP's didn't go but the knowledge that we were being excluded because we were not "blood" has stayed with me to this day.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

I think the amount of people coming for Christmas possibly matter a lot.

The inlaws probably never banked on having to host for 3 extra adults from your side every year they host.

It is fine for you to host your own children, and grandchildren, and childrens partners. But unless you also host for the inlaws other adult children, it may be a bigger burden (both financial and in terms of work load) for the inlaws when they host.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Is the little girl much younger or a very different age from your other DGC?

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Yes, but that was before her husband had surgery?

Maybe she relied on her husband to help, and instead she now finds herself in a position where she has to help him alot, and it is getting too much for her?

Op mentions his age and slow recovery, but what about her age? Maybe it is simply too much for her, and she is too proud/ashamed to admit it?