To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

(281 Posts)
azarragye Sat 22-Dec-12 17:31:30

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me angry So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:12:35

Yes, but that was before her husband had surgery?

Maybe she relied on her husband to help, and instead she now finds herself in a position where she has to help him alot, and it is getting too much for her?

Op mentions his age and slow recovery, but what about her age? Maybe it is simply too much for her, and she is too proud/ashamed to admit it?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 22-Dec-12 18:12:52

YANBU. A young child cannot be excluded! That's fucking awful.

Do your own Xmas at yours.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:13:39

MIL might have been asked if it was ok to bring one more adult, and then one more child, she might not herself have invited another adult and child?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:14:27

MIL possibly also does not know the ins and outs of things, and possibly think that this child can celebrate Christmas with her own mum (and dad?) ?

MrsReiver Sat 22-Dec-12 18:15:48

So why agree and then take it back? If she's agreed then she keeps to it, to exclude a child only a few days before Christmas is bloody awful.

JustFabulous Sat 22-Dec-12 18:17:10

This is just the same as the other thread where the "grandmother" won't buy for her child's adopted son as he "isn't blood." This little girl is being looked after as if she was your grand daughter and should be treated as such by everyone. If it was me, I would be refusing to go and giving all the other invited people the reason why along with an invite to come to mine instead.

Tarenath Sat 22-Dec-12 18:17:24

Regardless of how many people are invited it's the "not family" comment that's U.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:13

Maybe the "it is not family" was just an excuse.

Maybe she is just overworked and stressed, and feel it is too much for her?
But op seems to have disappeared...

JustFabulous Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:23

"I have to say it sounds an awful lot for her to host. Perhaps offer to share up duties or financial cost."

Bollocks to that. She has insisted she do it and it is as expensive for the family who host alternate years.

cees Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:54

I'd stay at home and have your own Christmas, I couldn't look at her without the urge to slap her one, what a horrible thing to do to a child.

MrsReiver Sat 22-Dec-12 18:20:45

Exactly Tanrenath, and if the FIL's condition was so bad she didn't feel able to cope with hosting Christmas, she was give "an out" earlier when the OP offered to host this year.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:21:16

OP still need to tell us how many from her inlaws family SHE is hosting every second year. What if it is only her son in law and his parents, against her additional adult children?

Why relinquish "her turn" for hosting Christmas if she has already bought all the food, she would then do it again the following year?

DontmindifIdo Sat 22-Dec-12 18:21:20

Agree with others, Christmas at home with your DS, your DD2 and your soon-to-be-granddaughter. Make sure DD1 knows why.

Next year, don't invite SonIL's parents. You don't need people like that in your life. Your DD1 has to have a relationship with them, you can just send cards and be polite.

Now, it's not too late, get yourself to Sainburys tonight and see if you can buy the Christmas lunch essentials, I was in our local one earlier and they are quite well stocked as I think they are expecting tomorrow to be busy, go tonight if you can (actually, now would be a good time, it's usually quite quiet around 7pm ish in ours, gets busy later again as people go out after dinner)

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:23:33

I seem to be the only one to have some sympathy for an elderly lady with a husband recovering from major surgery, who ended up in the regrettable position of being her turn to host Christmas.

I feel really sorry for DD1 in all this.

MrsFlibble Sat 22-Dec-12 18:24:01

Thats just evil, my DM would most certainly not my step-nephew from xmas coz hes not blood, my DS in laws would not exclude her Dson from xmas because he wasnt blood, to uninvite a child but not the parent is just nasty.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:25:27

OP, if you do bow out of this Christmas tradition with the inlaws, please do it with some decorum and dignity. Just say

"Edna dear, it is too much for you to host Christmas for so many now that my other daughter is a single parent, and your husband is recovering from surgery. I will host Christmas for my own family this year"

MrsFlibble Sat 22-Dec-12 18:26:54

Gold If she was overworker and stressed, so could have said to OP that she wasnt up for everyone coming, and OP could have made other arrangements, but to just uninvite a child for xmas is mean.

EnjoyResponsibly Sat 22-Dec-12 18:27:22

I also reckon she's had misgivings due to her DH's operation, and bungled her delivery of declining the invite probably because she was embarrassed.

I'd get DD1 to talk to her and ask her outright. Suggest that DD1 and her P go to the in laws as planned this year, the rest of you stay home.

I can see why you're annoyed but in the spirit of peace and love I'd find an alternative to fuming.

TidyDancer Sat 22-Dec-12 18:28:13

The OP offered to play host this year, so if MIL felt unable to cope, there's her out.

In my mind, that absolves her of any 'I can't cope with a child with everything else that's going on' related excuse she might come up with.

That woman has put your DD and SIL in an awful position. It would entirely be her fault if everyone rejected having Christmas with her and came to yours instead.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:28:57

She would be massively out of pocket though. She had bought food for extra adults that was now not coming, and be expected to host them the following year too. It would possibly mean that she had forked out for Christmas two years running. The way I see it, her only mistake was in agreeing to host for one more adult, she may have said "no" sooner had she known that the "just one more" would in fact be two more.

JustFabulous Sat 22-Dec-12 18:29:18

THe MIL was given the option to not do it at all.

She knew who was coming, it is 1 child more than expected and she said that was fine. Then decided not. One child makes no difference. Maybe she doesn't actually want the "foster child's" mother there either and this is her stupid way of going about it.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 22-Dec-12 18:31:15

well that would be the end of alternating xmases with them for me. and of course we (you, DD2 and young DD) wouldn't be going thsi year.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 22-Dec-12 18:31:28

I dont know how normal it is to host for your daughter in laws mum and siblings and their grandchildren. In the past, it was only the mum and the extra son, now it is also the daughter, and eventually a potential future adoptive daughter is added. The poor mil probably wondered who else OP had waiting in the wings that she would ask to invite?

JustFabulous Sat 22-Dec-12 18:32:33

Gold, I suspect it they swapped then it would be the other family the following year. The food doesn't have to be wasted. Most could be frozen and tbf it is the MIL own doing. She is being cruel to a child so losing money is the consequence.

I, too, would just host my own Christmas dinner in this circumstance.

Whatever the ins and outs and if there are far more people on one side than the other, excluding a little girl because she is not 'family' I think is cruel.

The MIL may be stressed, looking for an out. That is fine but surely she should have just said and taken the opportunity offered to her for the OP to host everyone. I would take the hint and just host my own.

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