Massive Mil Birthday row.

(60 Posts)
sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:23:07

Dp has organised a meal for mil's birthday on Monday. I wasn't invited and neither are his 3 pre-schoolers as we will 'add £50 to the bill and it will be a faff to get out of the house'

Other reasons he has given are: he wanted to just spend some time with just his dm, dbro and dsis. And he just wants it to be a get in and out type meal (rather than a lengthy all day affair, implying it will be, if we go.)

However his dsis is bringing her pre-schooler as she has no-one to look after him (unlike my dp who has muggins here to look after his!)

Today I find out that his dm invited her BF along, but now she can't go,so dp has rung up dbro and said 'you might as well bring your girlfriend as the table is booked for 5 people'

Anyone need a Cinderella for their panto- i'm right here!

I'm beyond fuming. We have been arguing/not speaking for over 24 hrs. AIBU?

DontmindifIdo Sun 23-Dec-12 11:52:38

Don't go out with the DCS, walk out half an hour before he has to leave without them - leave the nappy bags made up and any milk the DCs need available, but then go out as he said he wasn't going now. [evil]

TheCatIsEatingIt Sun 23-Dec-12 11:04:38

I get it. DH sometimes sees his DParents and DB without partners - I'm fine with that, but would be put out if SIL was invited and I wasn't.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 19:20:32

Yeah, don't do that sass you don't want to spoil the whole of Christmas over one poxy meal. Go out when you want, but don't make yourself miserable to prove a point

oldraver Sat 22-Dec-12 19:19:41

I think I would drop the three younger ones with him at the restaurant and take older DD to the cinema

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas Sat 22-Dec-12 19:15:16

I'm laughing at the thought of a mother of 3 very small children ever being the centre of attention, AndrewD.

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 19:02:45

artex I can be quite sarky. grin

I have had to fight to get him to not just see them as my responsibility! But that would be a whole new thread.

Yes 4 kids, 3 under 2 and a half and one pre-teen from a previous relationship.

I am definately going out. The restaurant faces my street shock and i will feel really uncomfortable if they decide to come afterward for a quick visit- like the poor relation.

Then when i get back, i will be taking my dd1 out to the pics. He has said that after the meal he will come back to be with us, as this is tradition that we spend xmas eve in, drinking, watching only fools and horses and i wrap the presents, but i intend to go out. Or am i just biting my nose off to spite my face? I could go anytime.

Idocrazythings Sat 22-Dec-12 18:51:32

I wouldn't have a problem to be honest if it was just the siblings taking mum out for an adult dinner for her birthday- I think it's quite nice actually.

The fact Dsis couldn't get a babysitter would change the night though- but what can you do (unless you watched her for them grin); but I would have got annoyed with the boyfriend coming along (unless they had been together a very long time and was a father figure to the siblings)

LemonBreeland Sat 22-Dec-12 18:47:11

I think it is perfectly reasonable that he wanted a lunch with his Mum and siblings. However he should have spoken to you before he booked it and explained what he wanted to do and why.

I also agree that once his sisters toddler was coming he should have changed plans. It sounds like he can't be bothered with the effort of having his dc around.

hanette Sat 22-Dec-12 18:40:43

Agree with Artex - you've been thrown a gift! Avoiding family bash in adult restaurant with small kids, having the moral highground and instantly justified to go out and treat yourself. What's not to like? :-)

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 18:38:43

Sorry X-post with artex

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 18:37:55

sassy I don't think YAB entirely U. But, his bro's GF wasn't initially invited, by all accounts, just got told she 'might as well come' since someone dropped out, so it's not like it was only you that wasn't going.

Also, four kids, 3 under 3, is that right? They will seriously change the dinner! Maybe he just wanted a calm, adult meal for his Mums birthday, TBH I wouldn't mind if my DP did that, obviously he looks after our kids when I want to do something without them.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Sat 22-Dec-12 18:34:54

Wrangling 28 mo twins and a 14 mo in a fancy restaurant in the company of my mil sounds like hell on wheels to me, I would be waving him off with a cheery grin if that were the only issue.

BUT

He should have been much nicer about the way he presented it to you, and offered to let you have the same amount of toddler free time and generally been sweet about it.

And much more importantly than that, it shouldn't always just be you who is inconvenienced whenever you take your small dc anywhere. Do you ever say anything sarky like 'feel free to help' (this used to be my personal favourite btw wink) How does he react if so?

ToffeeCaramel Sat 22-Dec-12 18:30:13

Just make sure you go out for a meal soon and leave the kids with him.

cees Sat 22-Dec-12 18:27:19

YANBU, your partner is. How horrible of him to leave his own children and their mother out especially when there will be another child attending.

I'd be very annoyed too, bloody cheek of him.

Oh sassy sorry your Christmas is off to a bad start you can tell 'D'P from me that he's being an arse if you like especially after what you've been through with your ex this year. Hope you enjoy the cinema x

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 18:25:48

Maybe it's differences between different families etc, but I would never arrange a family "do" and not invite long term partners. I find it weird that people would do this.

Yes I would go round to visit my mother or sister in the evening and not expect DP to tag along. A family meal for a birthday or similar - no way.

captainmummy Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:22

It's not about DP having a quiet day with his DM and family - but the fact that almost everyone else (sis dc, Bro's GF) is included, when his own dc and partner is not. (exept as an afterthought.)

Sounds like he doesn't really want to be part of your family, OP. Or consider you to be part of his.

frankinsensible Sat 22-Dec-12 18:14:12

The dp doesn't have to worry about looking after the dc's doneinagain because the OP will be doing that. What he's saying is that he doesn't want them there because it will be 'a faff' which is really unfeeling. Not sure how he could have explained it better - op has listed his various reasons and they are all equally hurtful.

Doneinagain Sat 22-Dec-12 18:06:46

Will try to be gentle because you sound lovely OP and like you have a lot on your plate. I don't think it's crazy that he wants a quiet day out with his mum and siblings without worrying about looking after the DC's. it's just one day. He could however have explained it better so as not to make you feel bad. If you feel unloved then he should be working on that!!

DecAndAnt Sat 22-Dec-12 17:52:19

So he wouldn't help out with his kids unless you asked? Wow !

Inertia Sat 22-Dec-12 17:45:06

Your DH is being ridiculous , of course you are all family. He just wants to shirk responsibility for an evening.

Your children are still quite little - could you put them to bed early and invite friends round for wine and a takeaway delivery , rather than taking them out by yourself to spend the 50 pounds ?

Doha Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:17

Tell your (D)P i he doesn't get his finger out and stop acting like a knob you won't make it to 11 years.

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 17:36:04

Obviously i am more complex than just this one post (i hope) so trying to get across what i am like is not possible completely. But there is no-one in the whole world who knows me, who would call me controlling, wanting to be the centre of attention. I couldn't be further from them two points if i actually tried. grin

even if i went to the meal, i would not be the centre of attention. I would be looking after 28 month old twins and a 14 month old, with no help what so ever from mil and little help from dp (unless i ask)

It's not about control or centre of attention ( i cringe at getting married as all focus would be on me) its about being left out/excluded/not loved/ etc.

We have been together 10 yrs.

asleb Sat 22-Dec-12 17:28:23

shock that is beyond rude. I would flip if my dh did that - in fact I wouldn't want to be with someone who would think that's acceptable!

AndrewD Sat 22-Dec-12 17:24:19

Just wondering, is the Mother in Law going to be the "centre of attention" for 3 hours and you are the "centre of attention" for the rest of the 8,757 hours of the year and those 3 hours are too much for you to handle. What if you need to ask him to look after the kids whilst you see a friend/relative for a couple of hours? Is he going to throw a fit about it? Guess he probably will now. You've given him an excuse.

(ducks into bunker and prepares to be shelled)

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