To think it's not anti-social of me to not want to sit around with strangers whilst...

(38 Posts)
MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:24:52

DH works on his friend's house with him? We're currently staying in DH's home country and a good friend of his is renovating....DH wants to go and help him out tomorrow and asked me if I would come too so our DC could play with his and I could sit with the mate's wife and....what? Drink tea? Chat all day?

It's just not my idea of a good day. I told him that I didn't mind him going alone and I would find something to do with the kids alone....and that perhaps we could all go and visit as a family together at the weekend....he said I'm anti social.

Am I? I just don't want to be stuck with his mate's wife who I don't know...and their kids and ours all day whilst the men knock walls down.

AIBU?

Crinkle77 Thu 13-Dec-12 11:53:29

YANBU. It would be ok for a couple of hours but not all day. It is very tiring have to make conversation with a stranger all day. Saying that perhaps if you are staying in your husbands home country maybe he was trying to encourage you to make friends so you would have some company

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Thu 13-Dec-12 11:57:04

I assume that English isn't the OP's Husband's first languge. If this is the case then he may not see the cultural distinction between unsocial and anti-social - anti-social has a strong negative connotation to it in the way unsocial doesn't eg ASBOs

ReindeerHooves Thu 13-Dec-12 12:00:39

Looking at this from the other side, I really really wish that dh would make the effort to get to know my friends and socialise with them but he's not interested. I would never insist that he comes to parties or days out if he doesn't want to and I don't guilt trip him about it either. He just doesn't feel the need to have many people in his life.

Last Saturday night I went to a friend's 30th birthday party. I had a good time. I drank and danced and had a giggle with my friends. HOWEVER everyone else's dp was there and mine wasn't and it made me feel a bit sad. I'd love him to join in. I really wish he'd make the effort, every now and again, to be part of my social life.

Could it be that your dh feels the same?

helpyourself Thu 13-Dec-12 12:10:36

What will you do instead?

I have to say, I agree with Pandemoniaa. It's one thing to be shy, it's another thing to consider spending some time with someone a waste of time, or to think it only counts as socialising if your husband is there, etc.

I think if you tell your husband you don't want to go because it would be a big imposition to spend all day there, he should understand.

If you're saying you don't want to spend time with his best friend's family because you don't want to talk with her and it would be a big waste of your time, well, that's a bit harsh really.

CwtchesAndCuddles Thu 13-Dec-12 12:21:46

I think you are being mean to not make an effort! This is a very good friend of your husband and he obviously wants you to get to know them?

Is one day really too much to ask - your ds will have someone to play with and you never know you might enjoy it.

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 12:22:36

Reindeers no...because as I said in the OP, I am more than happy to attend get togethers which include both of us....I just don't want to be paired off with a woman and her DC that i dont know...for the whole day whhilst he does DIY.

Parties and BBQs I am happy to attend.

Dreaming it's not that I don't want to meet her....just not in those circumstances.

Thistledew Thu 13-Dec-12 12:45:08

If you don't want to be stuck around chatting all day, why not take some old clothes and get stuck in with the renovations?

I agree it is a bit unsociable not to go if you are expected.

Mumsyblouse Thu 13-Dec-12 12:51:08

I wouldn't go myself, because if your husband is from a similar culture to my own, this 'couple of hours' will turn into all day and night, and you will have to be there through several meals/children's naps etc. I would say that you don't think renovating buildings is the best place for children to play anyway (dust, falling stuff, having to tell them not to touch the tools 1000 times). I wouldn't want to be stuck there, getting irritable with him with him saying 'just another hour MrsMushroom

So, if it were for a couple of hours and you could leave easily, yes, it's a bit anti-social not to turn out at all to see them when you visit, but for a whole day amongst building work, no chance.

Mumsyblouse Thu 13-Dec-12 12:53:23

And- this all comes down to the lack of control you have when you go abroad to a very different culture, so if you want to get food for the kids, or take them somewhere, or you don't speak the language that well, it's a whole different ball-game.

You can't really compare it to popping in for mince-pies for half an hour as a couple, which is more than reasonable.

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 12:55:02

Mumsy that is my fear! DH loves to spend HOURS with others but it's not him dealing with stroppy kids most of the time....and yes...it's all foreign to me here...I can't drive so no saying "Oh I'll just np out..."

Mumsyblouse Thu 13-Dec-12 13:00:12

MrsMushroom I feel your pain! Just say you don't think you want to come for an entire day (which it will be), but you'd really like to see them one evening for a meal (I'm guessing this is a culture where taking the children out in the evening is fine).

I am usually very co-operative and helpful when I go to stay with my husband in his culture, and go out of my way to welcome people to where we are staying/go out to things BUT a couple of hours is plenty, when you cannot easily access food/travel/language yourself. So, I tend to set very short visiting times, and go, take gifts, leave an hour later. We both know now that it doesn't work expecting the children to be well-behaved and not eat (as they often eat at different times) for hours and hours, so he goes off if he wants to do full-on socializing himself.

Just say no to this, but offer an alternative, thereby looking sociable but avoiding the all-day visit.

ReindeerHooves Thu 13-Dec-12 13:28:25

Ooops sorry that'll teach me not to read an OP properly blush
I would go with what Mumsy says, say no this time (invent a prior engagement maybe) but suggest getting together at a time and place that makes much more sense.

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