To think it's not anti-social of me to not want to sit around with strangers whilst...

(38 Posts)
MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:24:52

DH works on his friend's house with him? We're currently staying in DH's home country and a good friend of his is renovating....DH wants to go and help him out tomorrow and asked me if I would come too so our DC could play with his and I could sit with the mate's wife and....what? Drink tea? Chat all day?

It's just not my idea of a good day. I told him that I didn't mind him going alone and I would find something to do with the kids alone....and that perhaps we could all go and visit as a family together at the weekend....he said I'm anti social.

Am I? I just don't want to be stuck with his mate's wife who I don't know...and their kids and ours all day whilst the men knock walls down.

AIBU?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 13-Dec-12 10:27:06

YANBU. That would be my worst nightmare. Just tell him you're not going, and if he says you're anti-social, answer 'So what?'. Then do something nice with your day.

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:29:16

I told him I was offended at being called anti-social....I told him that's a negative thing to call someone but he maintains it's not....it's just the way some people are. I still think it's rude to call me that.

I don't know what I'd SAY to the woman. I am shy.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls Thu 13-Dec-12 10:31:36

If you don't want to go, don't.

Fwiw I don't think calling someone anti-social is offensive, I think sometimes it's a factual description of how someone is.

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:32:36

i don't think I AM anti-social. I'm a bit picky about who I socialise with...but that's because I'm shy and ALSO because I think time's too precious to waste.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 13-Dec-12 10:35:28

"Anti-social" is offensive actually; the word your DH is looking for is "unsociable". Anti-social means doing things against society, not declining to socialise! (C'mon fellow pedants, help me out here.)

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 10:35:51

In this situation you are being anti social.

Its nit a negative thing. Its the opposite of social.

I am generally very anti social. But my job involves me being social. So I choose to be social at work and not outside work.

WinklyVersusTheZombies Thu 13-Dec-12 10:36:34

It is a bit anti-social to not want to socialise and meet new people. For all you know this woman is your future best friend - weren't all your friends strangers once? Don't go if you don't want to but it is a bit antisocial.

MummytoMog Thu 13-Dec-12 10:37:47

Argh. This is the sort of thing my OH does - he is close friends with a group he works with, and expects me to want to spend lots of time with them. I don't. Nor do I want to spend time with their precious (hideously spoiled) offspring in their poxy north london flats in which I could not swing a literal cat.

Then he complains and says I'm antisocial. He wanted me to go away for New Years with them once. I sent him and DD on their own. HA.

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:38:28

Thank you Annie....exactly!

Winkly I should have said...I met her once, 7 years ago! She's not my new best friend at all...and besides, drinking tea and looking after nppers in someone elses home isn't sociable is it? If DH was joining in then it would be!

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 10:40:58

Mummy that's what I would have done if DH wasn't working on the house!

Can you go for a few hours?

I understand not wanting to go all day -- I would also feel like I was imposing on her day.

I would probably not go if it were just me but perhaps the kids would enjoy it, so why not?

I think it's a wee bit unsociable to not go on the basis you don't know her. I'd just say it's too long to go all day.

x-post

Well, yes, I think drinking tea with someone while your children play together is very much sociable. Why is it only sociable if your DH joins you?

helpyourself Thu 13-Dec-12 10:45:49

What's the alternative? YABU unreasonable if you'll be at home watching Jeremy Kyle or dragging your dc round shops. If the children are a similar age it could be fun.

Tryharder Thu 13-Dec-12 10:55:34

Wow! Nice attitudes on this thread. Maybe you and your DC will have a fab time with people you get on great with. You are being unsociable. No wonder your DH is pissed off with you.

To the poster who doesn't want to go to the small North London flat: I assume you live in a big house sarf of the river or have I got that completely wrong?

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 11:00:07

I just don't like sitting in other people's homes when I don't know them well...it's such a bother! All day is too long....she'll feel she has to "host" and the kids will be unsure of rules and where things are...as will I. I don't think it's antisocial...I can't drive so we'll be stuck there.

MrsKwaziipanFruits Thu 13-Dec-12 11:08:04

I agree that having your children play together while you drink and chat with their Mum is sociable. However, I wouldn't fancy being there all day having to wait for DH to finish work.

The other thing is, have you actually been invited or is your DH just assuming that it will be OK? His mate's wife may have plans already that day which she may not be able to break for instance. Also, having a whole extra family over all day presumably means that she'll feel obliged to make lunch and most likely dinner too? If she hasn't offered for you to come over, that's quite a lot to organise on the day itself.

Alternatively, if you have been invited I think it would be rather rude to turn it down. Or why not give her a call and find out if there's anywhere you can get out to with all of the children.

Tbh, overall you sound like you're just looking for any excuse not to go. I know it's hard when you're shy, but making a bit of an effort here would be nice. Esp as it's your DH's best friend.

Lesbeadiva Thu 13-Dec-12 11:08:09

If you don't want to go don't. If your DH is angry that is his issue not yours. It is his friend. I wouldn't go either if I didn't want to. Why should the op feel obliged in any way to go? If your husband wants to take the kids to play, he should! If he wants to go help his friend renovate, he should. If you want to do something else with your day, you should.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Dec-12 11:13:57

I'd pop in for a couple of hours to say hi etc. and then go do my own thing.

RedHelenB Thu 13-Dec-12 11:18:15

Agree with your husband I'm afraid! Why not give it ago, you & your kids may have a wonderful time & get to know some nice new friends. I have often done things I don't really fancy & they can often turn out to be really good.

Pandemoniaa Thu 13-Dec-12 11:22:52

I'd have been rather more sympathetic if you didn't use expressions like because I think time's too precious to waste and such a bother because it doesn't suggest shyness. Instead, it comes across as being too self-important to make an effort.

Your DH is right when he says you were anti-social although I think "not being sociable" is probably a fairer expression. I can see why you mightn't want to spend a whole day at his friend's house but would it be such a terrible thing to compromise and go there for a couple of hours?

TheCountessOlenska Thu 13-Dec-12 11:27:03

I need to know more!

Are the kids a similar age?

Are you in this country long term and therefore, do you need to meet people (or is it short term and not worth making a special effort?)

Does the wife know about this plan/ has she invited you?

Are we talking hot weather and playing in the garden/ pool or inside as it's snowing outside?

Is there a language/ cultural barrier or some kind?

Onemoreforgoodmeasure Thu 13-Dec-12 11:30:00

Some people woul dbe totally happy doing that, and I can imagine it could possibly be a light easy way to spend some time, but not for me either. I'm social, but an introvert, I get my fill of other poeple quite quickly.

kittykarate Thu 13-Dec-12 11:32:42

i Does the wife know about this plan/ has she invited you?

One of my husband's friends does this to his wife all the time - invites people round to do something and leaves his missus to entertain the other half, regardless of her having other plans. (e.g. wrapping Xmas presents/going shopping/marking homework)

MrsMushroom Thu 13-Dec-12 11:51:01

I have no idea if the wife knows...knowing DH he has casually mentioned "Oh I'll bring Mushroom and the kids so they can all play" and not waited for any yay or nay.

But this is a casual country so that's not really an issue and he's probably asked if X is around too.

I wouldn't be able to leave at my leisure...I cant drive and this country is boiling hot....poor public transport too.

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