To think it's not normal to regularly call your teenage daughter a 'fucking little slut'

(55 Posts)
Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 09:40:31

And that it's verging on abusive.

AIBU?

SarahWarahWoo Sat 15-Dec-12 09:50:51

Crumpet can you ask your counsellor to help you move on without getting your parents to admit anything? You may have been encouraged to face up to them and ask them for answers but in my experience they will just deny everything and you will be left even more frustrated. If you can be the better person, not dwell on them not being able to be honest with themselves then you could continue a relationship with them, do really well in your life as a silent statement and move on safe in the knowledge that you are a good person.

peaceandlovebunny Thu 13-Dec-12 18:07:52

its not that easy to walk away.

my mother, from my earliest days, told me i wanted to have sex with my father and was trying to take her place. i had no idea what she was on about.

she's started it up again recently. i'm 55. my dad is 80. he's a surprisingly handsome man for his age, but he's my dad. she's told the nurses on her hospital ward that i want sex with him. she is mentally ill, by the way, and was probably abused as a child. but its very wearing. daughter describes my relationship with my dad as 'cordial but distant', which i think is fair.

i'll probably go and see her this weekend, have the nurses snigger at me, have her tell me i'm ugly and after my father, and listen to how much she loves other members of the family.

walk away if you can, crumpetlover, but if you don't, i will understand. the counselling, the family, will help you heal, over time.

susanann Thu 13-Dec-12 16:15:05

I agree with Talkative Jim. They are awful. Sure all parents make mistakes but bloody hell! You have come out of this and are moving on. Good for you! I would say cut them out, they are poisonous! Have a great Christmas with your own little family.

TalkativeJim Thu 13-Dec-12 13:37:45

CUT THEM OUT.

Don't let them do this to your children.

Walk away.

You sound as if you have a lovely family now - a proper family, and that you are a great mum. They're not your family and never have been! - family is about more than blood ties.

You don't need them.

You certainly don't owe them anything but contempt

You certainly don't need to appease them in any way.

You're 'difficult', are you? Really? That would be the opinion of two blinkered, nasty, controlling abusers, right? Yes, I'll totally make time for their fair and just observations...

You have all the tools within you to move on and not waste one moment more of your precious life allowing them to sully it. You can do it x

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 13:15:54

Yep grin. It's funny now I am past it. Thing is once you stick up for yourself they will probably cut you off for a while. You need to be able to handle that and be ready for it. And it will probably take more than once. PM me if you want to talk more smile.

trumpalot Thu 13-Dec-12 13:11:36

sad post hope u ok x

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 13:10:38

It's almost laughable isn't it? I think we both must have totally deluded, narcissistic parents.

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 13:07:41

That's weird because my parents hated mine, couldn't understand why I put up with it as apparently I'd never been treated like that at home, only with kindness and respect hmm so why was I accepting it from him?! Apparently I was unable to extricate myself because I was so used to being treated well that I was too soft confused.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 13:03:48

I too married an abusive man, EmmaFrost. He was very physically and emotionally abusive but my parents sided with him and seemed to think his treatment of me was ok. It was all me being difficult once again and apparently I 'had to understand it's harder for him' as he worked and I didn't (he'd forced me to give up my job)

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:59:35

Sounds familiar crumpet my parents used to treat and talk to me and dsis like complete shit but couldn't do enough for other extended family members and friends. Going back to them thinking they owned us really. Honestly the only to deal with it is put your armour on and tell them quite categorically it will no longer be tolerated.

Unsurprisingly I married an abusive man. A few days after our wedding (I hadn't know him for long and he'd only just met my parents) my Mum had a long talk with him about how "difficult" I was, such "hard work" the "hardest one you could have picked" "you'll have to work hard to keep her happy". He treated me like shut and abused me on the back of it for the next 10 years. Hardly a day went by when a sentence didn't start with "well your own mother warned me about you". It was an excuse for everything, every row, every unacceptable abusive behaviour from him.

The damage is terrifyingly far reaching sad. Forty years on I am still struggling under it.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:54:51

Yes I think that's very true emmafrost.

I remember once as a teenager my dad making me do something and I said 'It's my life' and he said 'No it's not, it's mine, whilst you live under this roof you don't have a life' Says it all really doesn't it?

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:52:52

It seems to me that many of that generation thought they OWNED their children and forgot that one day they'd be grown up, damaged adults because if that treatment. Probably not their fault a lot of the time just filtered down the generations. Times have changed, parenting is much different and much more sympathetic and thank goodness for that! So they need telling firmly and have it made quite clear to them that it will not be tolerated.

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:49:54

Thank you again everyone, it's great to read such supportive comments.

EmmaFrost, I remember once my mum had a big go at me in front of my DH an started insulting me. DH stepped in and told my mum there was no need for that and my mum turned to him all sugary sweet and nicely and said "I know there wouldn't normally be any excuse for this but this is how SHE makes her father and I act"

All it was that I'd asked her to feed our cat whilst we had a night away and she turned up to collect the key and was in a bad mood, then suddenly me asking her to do that was the ultimate in cheek, I was a user etc etc

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:45:51

sad You need to stop this now. But you know this. It's classic what they're are doing. Transferring their toxic behaviour from you to your dc. Stamp on it strenuously. You may find yourself surprised by the results.

No one had ever told my parents before, they were furious tbh but they came round. Shame they had to miss nearly 3 years of the dc's early years before they did though. They are not perfect, especially my Dad, he can still be a right sulky chops but he'd get his head bitten off he tries anything so he keeps out of the way a lot grin.

BrevilleTron Thu 13-Dec-12 12:45:26

Tell them to get stuffed
If your children are so 'difficult' then why would you want to 'impose' them on your parents
Rude miserable never satisfied gits!
Fuck them and all who sail in them

Sorry just so angry on your behalf

Crumpetlover Thu 13-Dec-12 12:38:31

Now funnily enough EmmaFrost, my mum and dad seem to have decided my 3 year old is 'naughty' too. Even though like in your case everyone else thinks he's pretty good. Also DD1 is apparently 'difficult' just like me.

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:33:11

For some reason I accepted it for myself but could not for my dc. I remember my Dad grabbing and running my 1 year old across the room because he touched the playstation lights, really gently, just curious AND AGED ONE!angry I still get angry about it now. I said to him "it's funny that the ONLY people who think ds is being brought up badly and is naughty are you and Mum, everyone else thinks he's a lovely little boy, I won't be bringing him here again till you treat him better". It took two years for them to stop sulking.

Then they did similar with dd, that took a year of sulks. I wouldn't back down though. I was quite happy to cut them off for my dc.

Actually this was the very first thing I posted about on MN about 5 years ago.

BrevilleTron Thu 13-Dec-12 12:32:21

Crumpet.
They were not good parents
They failed
You didn't fail and you won't fail as a mother because of how they didn't parent you properly.

It is not your fault

akaemmafrost Thu 13-Dec-12 12:24:34

My Mum did this too. She was very screwed up because of her own background. She effectively did not know how to parent in a lot of ways. She's great now though but it took a lot of rows and long silences to get here. I actually admire her now because I have been able to tell her what I expect for myself and my dc from her and she tries to meet it. No one ever really showed her a different way but I wouldn't accept it once my dc were here.

LemonBreeland Thu 13-Dec-12 12:21:47

Crumpet they were really awful and it must be very hard for you to be starting to realise that it isn't you. You weren't a bad child/teenager it was all them.

DOn't let them do this to your DC, you can't let them suffer the way you did. Hopefully you will have the strength to cut them out for the sake of your DC, and yourself so you no longer have to suffer it all.

My grandfather (who everyone in the family agreed was a 'difficult' character to say the least) used to tell my cousin that she "Looked like a bloody whore" when she went out dressed up.
This was in the 1980s.
Luckily it hasn't filtered down the generations.

angry sad

EldritchCleavage Thu 13-Dec-12 12:15:54

Crumpet, they were horribly abusive. Whatever happens, don't let them do the same to your DDs.

Some parents take things out on their children. Especially if they don't adjust to having a child, or are having a hard time generally. Then I think they avoid feeling guilty for doing that by stigmatising the kid. So it's not that they were inadequate/couldn't control themselves/resentful/going through marital problems and not dealing with it/jealous/selfish/whatever, it's just that the child was uniquely awful and difficult.

That's what I think my PIL did to DH. They ignore the strains in their marriage, FIL not lifting a finger and leaving MIL overwhelmed, PND, failure to adjust to having two children, regrets about having another child, weirdy obsessive bonding with their pfb, SIL. No, EVERYTHING that happened was DHs' fault. He was a terrible baby, awful child, dreadful teenager, moody sod. And they will never deviate from that script.

My friend's having a hard time with her extremely judgemental and homophobic mother too.....every text from her on certain subjects is like a slap in the face, it actually stings for me too, the way she's so uncaring and predjudiced. Sorry OP sad

My best friend calls me various names jokingly, affectionately- I've told him to cut it out so many times and he's gradually getting better. He's young so he learns.....I guess people in the 40s/50s+ are harder to change. You're better just limiting contact as much as you can.

It's OK to cut them off. I have a nice relationship with Mum now - aided by living on the other side of the world. grin

But I didn't have contact with her for 4 years or so after I tried to talk with her about stuff (supported by my time living in a therapy based ward in early 20's after emotional breakdown) but she wasn't interested - she couldn't deal with it or take it on board. So I walked away & didn't speak to her for years. It helped.

I'm glad we are on better terms now - she never would deal with everything though - what changed is I started to see her as a flawed, damaged person who was unsupported in her own life and who had very low expectations and standards, as opposed to the all powerful dominating mother.

Conflugenglugen Thu 13-Dec-12 10:20:41

Oh, crumpetlover - my heart goes out to you. Keep up with the counselling - clarity can take some time. It can take time to realise that you are not the person your parents said you were, even if you know it consciously. Un-MNetty hugs.

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