To be annoyed that DSis never rings or texts me back?

[Jinsei]

DSis likes me to check with her before buying stuff for DNephew. Fair enough, he may already have stuff, someone else may be getting him the same thing, he might not like it etc. I have no issue with that.

She also likes to confer pre-Christmas on what I am getting dd (same age as DNephew), to ensure that the two kids get roughly the same amount, and to agree whether there are certain things are or aren't allowed etc. Again, I have no issue with that.

However, while I'm not the most organised person in the world, I don't like to leave all my shopping until the last minute. DSis, on the other hand, is one of those people who does most of her shopping on Christmas Eve while I entertain her DS. Fine if she wants to do it that way, but I find it really stressful if I leave it too late, so I have been trying to contact her for the last 3+ weeks to check if I can go ahead and get the stuff that I have in mind.

It can be hard to find time to talk when DCs are not around, as we both work FT as well, so texted her a few times suggesting times or asking when she would be free to talk. No response. Got through on the phone once, she said she'd ring me back. She didn't.

I am reluctant to go ahead and buy anything for DNephew as I did this once before in the face of similar difficulties. She told me that I couldn't give him the gift I had purchased as she has suggested the same idea to someone else, and that I should have waited to speak to her before buying anything. Well, I tried.

I am finding this quite annoying now, but perhaps I've got it wrong and I am just being a real pain in the arse to keep hassling her? Genuine perspective required as I don't want to be a grumpy bitch. AIBU?

[adeucalione]

Send a text saying that you are going shopping on X date and that if you don't hear otherwise, you'll go ahead and buy what you had in mind.

If/when she tells you off for buying it you can ask the perfectly legitimate question 'but why didn't you reply to any of my texts or calls about this?'.

If you'd done that last time, you might not be in this position again now.

Next year - 'tell me what to buy before end of Nov or i'll take my chances/it'll be a voucher'.

[Jinsei]

Thanks for the reply. Was starting to wonder if I'd get no responses on here either!

I did make the point last year but it fell on deaf ears, so maybe you're right - I need to give her a deadline!!

[SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo]

My brother won't even be a fb friend with me

I'd just buy it

[SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo]

Or text saying you are picking up the drum set with the microphone and amp for him today.

Within a minute she will ring

[Jinsei]

at drumkit idea. Very tempting!!

[DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta]

I'd just buy it, who is she to tell you what you can buy? . Agree with texting her you are about to buy something (drum kit not a bad idea) and wait for a quick reply

[wineandroses]

This is ridiculous! Just buy what you think they'll like. If parents have suggestions in advance then fine, but all this ignoring texts - I would say " sorry bought now, if they don't like, they can return".

Moving this on to me -frankly am a bit sick of young relatives and what they would and would not like - being a bit grateful wouldn't go amiss!

[sparkleyangel]

I cant believe you put up with her attitude. Has she always been like this with you? Is she your older sister by any chance? Why does she need to make sure her kid is getting the same amount as yours? She cant be arsed to return your calls yet thinks she has the right to tell you if you buy the wrong thing she can tell you you cant give it him. Buy what you want and give it to her son whether she likes it or not, I don't understand why you pander to her tbh.

[Kytti]

I agree with the others. Just say you're off shopping, and if you don't hear from her you'll get X. It's tough on her then. If she says you can't give it to him, just give it to your DD instead.

[Walkacrossthesand]

What sparkley said - she has no right to have any influence At All on what you get for your own DC. If equality of gift buying is important to her she can respond to your messages etc. Her choice.

[adeucalione]

I do think its fair enough for her to prefer you to tell her what you're thinking of buying, mainly to avoid duplications, but it's odd that she also wants to know what you're buying your own DC, and the lack of response to your texts and calls is rude.

When relatives ask me what DC would like, I reply promptly because I appreciate their thoughtfulness.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

text her 'I'm buying xxx tomorrow for nephew. Let me know today if this is a problem'.

Then go and buy it tomorrow! If she insists it's the wrong thing afterwards, it's her problem - 'oh well, heres the receipt so you can change it' . Wrap and give her the gift ASAP along with the receipt.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

'I'm buying xxx tomorrow for nephew. Let me know today if this is a problem. Can you buy my kids xxx if you haven't already got them something'

[Jinsei]

Yes, she is my older sister. She is lovely in most ways but I do find that she tends to control the agenda when we are together. It upsets me, but your responses suggest that it's probably my fault for letting her get away with it. I guess the dynamics of our relationship go back a long way.

I genuinely don't mind her wanting to know what we're getting for DNephew. At the end of the day, I want him to be happy with whatever we buy for him, though I know he would be very gracious and grateful even if he didn't like it. I don't really mind her wanting to ensure parity between the DCs either, though I think she takes it to extremes a bit e.g. counting stocking presents! I understand that this is because she is a perfectionist at heart and probably can't help herself. I tend to be a bit more laid back.

It is so hard to get perspective on your own family sometimes, it is really interesting to read people's responses. I am not normally a doormat but perhaps I do let DSis dictate too much. I guess I need to be a bit less eager to please and just let her know what I'm planning to buy and when. Thanks all!

[Fluffeh]

When my sisters girls were younger she would circulate a list if acceptable gifts within family. It used to really annoy me so I would only gift money/vouchers as I refused to help her tick another item off the list.
If your sister was mine I'd do what others have suggested and text her saying what and when your buying and if she doesn't reply do what you said.
IMO it's easier with sisters like this to give money/vouchers but with really small children it doesn't work as well as they don't understand the gift.
Good luck :).

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Eh? Do your DD and DNephew open stockings together?

[adeucalione]

Fluffeh - when my DC were younger some family member used to ask if they'd done a list for Santa yet. As we lived a long way way, I used to email it to anyone who asked. Am now wondering whether I inadvertently offended anyone who misunderstood and thought I was circulating the equivalent of a wedding gift list!