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AIBU?

to not invite father's partner to wedding?

119 replies

josparkle · 12/12/2012 12:03

Looking for some impartial perspective here as my father thinks thinks I'm unreasonable and I'm really not sure if I am.
Wedding is in very early stages of planning, have decided will be close friends and family, about 60 guests. I discussed with DF that we were not planning to invite his partner, he thinks this is unfair and was upset.

Background is that DF left DM for this woman 5 years ago after having an affair with her. She is a nice enough person and I get on okay with her but her being at ths wedding would be upsetting to DM, my grandparents and the rest of the extended family. My brother has never liked DF's new partner and finds it very difficult to be around them and DF due to the hurt the affair caused in the family.

DM has not had a relationship since DF.

There is no other family on my DF's side, so if his partner wasn't there he feels he'd be very alone and outnumbered by DM's side of my family.

I just think that not inviting.her would make for a better day as I wouldn't be worried about DM and brother being upset, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Report

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 12:05

Can they really not all be civil and get over it for one day?

mollymole · 12/12/2012 12:06

I would invite her. 5 years is a long time and it's not your fathers' fault that your mother has not got a new partner.

EverythingsDozy · 12/12/2012 12:07

I think its a case of the greater good. If you don't invite her, your father will be upset. If you do, your mother and her whole family will be upset.
Its your wedding and it is not the time for stressing about that. Will your father go if she isn't invited? Would this cause upset to you?
If she isn't invited, will your father be lonely or will he have someone to talk to?

YellowDinosaur · 12/12/2012 12:07

Whatever you do someone is going to new upset.

Taking away everyone elses agendas do you want her there?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 12/12/2012 12:08

Have you talked to your mother about it? How has she told you she would feel?

I know there will obviously still be a lot of hurt and anger, but this isn't about their relationship. This is about you having your parents with you when you marry.

What you need is for them all to agree to be civil on the day and say that anyone who thinks they can't manage that had perhaps better not come.

Mumsyblouse · 12/12/2012 12:09

I have been in this situation, and my father's partner (with whom he had an affair) was invited of course. She is now part of our family (5 years is a long time, they may be together 25 years). I think you are trying to be kind to your mum, perhaps she could come with a friend/relative as her companion if it is a big issue. But personally I think 5 years is a long time to continue the hurt and distress and would ask everyone to damp it down now.

helpyourself · 12/12/2012 12:09

What does your Mum say?

cantspel · 12/12/2012 12:10

After 5 years she is part of your family so i would invite and expect everyone to be able to be civil to each other for one day.

greenfolder · 12/12/2012 12:11

my mate had this dilemma (although the partner had a really long term affair). she told her df that it would just be too upsetting for her dm and therefore was not inviting partner.

he sulked enormously- mate pointed out that her and her brother had been very supportive of both parents and situation was not of her making. Like it or lump it.

df turned up at the wedding and gave a lovely spontaneous speech about what a great mum her mum had been!

nowt so queer as folk.

stick to your guns love

cozietoesie · 12/12/2012 12:11

We had almost exactly this situation in the family. She wasn't invited - but then my DF wouldn't have expected her to be. The day went much more smoothly than it otherwise might have.

YellowDinosaur · 12/12/2012 12:11

What hec said about everyone needing to accept your decision and behaving like adults our not coming BUT personally I wouldn't be talking to your Mum until you've decided what YOU want. Because it's going to be much harder if you chat to your Mum who says she'd be upset if you invite your dads partner and then you invite her anyway.

hellsbells99 · 12/12/2012 12:15

Sorry but I am going against the grain here. I would not want her there. My wedding was similar to this. I discussed it with my father and we agreed I would invite his partner but she would NOT come. It would not have been fair on my mother and therefore would have spolit my day. Your parents should be at your wedding and there should not be an atmosphere. Ask your father if he has a male friend he could bring instead. Your father's partner has no right to expect to be there. Sorry!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 12/12/2012 12:16

Honestly I think everyone needs to get over it now.

I know how you feel though. My dad left 25 years ago and he and my mum stil blatantly dislike eachother and make such a point of ignoring eachother it's really awkward for other people.

Which is why if I ever get married me and my groom will be eloping!

Narked · 12/12/2012 12:21

I wouldn't invite her. It's a wedding. She (with your father's full co-operation) broke up your parent's marriage. I wouldn't want her around.

MerylStrop · 12/12/2012 12:23

Will they cope with your dad being there?

If they can handle him being there then they can handle her being there.

I think you'd better elope

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 12/12/2012 12:24

I was in a similar predicament with a couple of partners of daytime guests of.ours. We invited some partners to the evening only.

Only one person was offended, that we hadnt invited her boyfriend to the daytime, but he behaved like an utter twat at the night time that I told her of I could do it all again he wouldn't have got an invite at all.

Your wedding, your say.

josparkle · 12/12/2012 12:29

I haven't spoken to mum about it but I am certain she'd be upset and find the day very hard.
I've never really thought of his new partner as family and she doesn't act that way. For example, birthday cards are just from 'dad'. I suppose though she is his family now, just never occurred to me to see it like that.

They would be perfectly civil if she wasn't there. The 4 of is went out for brothers graduation last year and it was fine. My family and DP's family would be friendly enough if she wasn't there, so there would be.people he could speak to.

He would 100% still come.if she wasn't.invited but he'll be very hurt and he would see it as an obligation to turn up rather than a day to enjoy, he said much.

Ideally I'd want her there, ignoring the affair she is a kind, friendly.person. I just know my mum would feel betrayed Idaho was there.

OP posts:

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/12/2012 12:29

We had virtually same situation with my fil at our wedding and we did invite her. However we did everything possible to make it as painless as possible- so we didn't have bride and grooms side at the church but instead mixed it up and made sure our ushers knew exactly where to put them. No formal top table- round tables with mil on one surrounded by great friends, and fil and smil on another with people who would not kill them :-)

MerylStrop · 12/12/2012 12:30

Actually I think your mother's feelings are important in this, and I would talk to her about it.

Everyone else - including your brother, unless he is 12 or something - can wind their neck in and deal with it.

It does not sound like your Dad's Partner expects an invitation, but that your dad feels that he wants her there. That's understandable. Is there any chance that your dad will feel he can't attend if she doesn't?

josparkle · 12/12/2012 12:31

Sorry for typos, on mobile!

OP posts:

sue52 · 12/12/2012 12:31

I too would be speaking my Mother before I made any final decision. To be honest, if I were in your position, I would put my Father's feelings last. He has lost the right to be upset.

akaemmafrost · 12/12/2012 12:32

I wouldn't invite her and Dad can lump it. Sorry.

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Viviennemary · 12/12/2012 12:34

Well someone is going to be upset whatever you do. I think since she was in the wrong having an affair with a married man and breaking up the marriage she shouldn't be invited. But that's just my opinion. Everyone's family is different.

samandi · 12/12/2012 12:40

YANBU. I wouldn't invite her either, it's not appropriate.

MajorB · 12/12/2012 12:40

To be honest I think you can side-step the whole part of who she is in relation to you, and simply go on the fact her views of marriage are presumably very different to yours (I imagine you intend for both you and your future DH to be faithful?)

Why don't you tell your DF that you take marriage vows very seriously and think that people who attend your wedding should hold them in equal high regard.

Your DF's partner has proved that she doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage, so why would she want to attend a wedding? Your DF is clearly in the same boat, but as a direct blood relation his presence is expected/desired.

In my mind you can't dismiss marriage vows as unimportant when it suits you, but claim you want to be part of a marriage ceremony at a later date; you either believe in marriage or you don't.

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