Getting so frustrated with my oversensitive, dyslexic DS

(18 Posts)
GOM Mon 10-Dec-12 06:05:08

My son is 13 and is very sensitive. He lacks confidence and although he gets on well with people, he's usually a follower. He's dyslexic but hasn't seem to ask for help at school hence being in the bottom sets which means not only he's not challenged academically, he receives no homework or tasks. He's good with music and Minecraft but he doensn't want to pick up a book and read, and that is our daily battle. He says he can read ok and he does - quite fast in fact - but hates it because ' its boring..'. We also have a really bright 5 year old but with my new husband - and my husband is obviously very proud of his son which has an impact on DS. DS is a wonderful personality , always says yes and ready to please but when it comes to homework or building up a spine he's useless. How can I change myself and my perception so I can help him. 99% am angry at him for being so passive and laid back, am I being a horrible mother? I lay awake at night hating myself and knowing my approach is wrong, but i have said horrible things to him about not delivering at school and what will happen to his life if he doesn't try hard enough.

peaceandlovebunny Mon 10-Dec-12 06:18:08

he's usually a follower
in the bottom sets
also have a really bright 5 year old but with my new husband
when it comes to homework or building up a spine he's useless
you don't like him at all. get him some counselling or your attitude will stay with him forever

am I being a horrible mother
yes, but we are who we are. at least you are aware of it

i have said horrible things to him about not delivering at school and what will happen to his life if he doesn't try hard enough
maybe he isn't going to achieve academically. feeling bad about himself won't help. could you get some counselling, too, please? you love and admire your younger son but the one from the failed relationship is considered defective and not allowed any self-esteem. no wonder he is 'sensitive and lacks confidence'.

on reflection, i think you made this up to upset people.

notnagging Mon 10-Dec-12 06:18:57

That doesn't sound good Dom. My son is dyspraxic & is very frustrating at times but we have managed to build his confidence up. This had done wonders for him academically as his confidence makes him believe he can achieve & he knows we will encourage him. Not everyone's good at what we want them to be. Don't turn into a nagger, he'll resent you for that & just switch off.

HollyBerryBush Mon 10-Dec-12 06:24:07

You need to start making loud noises at school. If he is dyslexic, he will need support during his exams and all those things need balls rolling to be put into place now.

I'm amazed you havent been creating mary-hell already. Languishing in the bottom sets? not stretched? Unless he has a behaviour problem at school, which you havent mentioned, he shouldnt be there.

Having had a child in the bottom set (MLD) and being well aware what sort of child normally resides there, I would fight tooth and nail to never have another child down there again.

Again doesnt ask for help you are the parent it is your job to ensure he gets help.

I don't even understand what you mean by him building up his spine. poor little soul, he sounds very pushed out by a new husband and half sibling.

Snog Mon 10-Dec-12 06:24:11

He needs understanding and help
It's not for him to sort out the help he needs for dyslexia it's for you
Tbh imo you are failing your child badly right now and I hope this is a hoax post

Snog Mon 10-Dec-12 06:28:02

If your child lacks confidence this is due to you so it's unfair to blame him

Snog Mon 10-Dec-12 06:31:25

This is one of the all time most shocking posts I have ever seen on mumsnet ; surely not for real and very upsetting so I am hiding this. OP if you really are for real please get professional help for yourself and your poor ds

Snog Mon 10-Dec-12 07:00:30

Op name is First post / name changer

auntpetunia Mon 10-Dec-12 07:14:02

Your poor son, you sound horrible! Its not his place to ask for help in school.... It's yours, you are the adult. If he's diagnosed dyslexic then the SENCO should be helping you him in school, but that will only happen if you've been in touch and keep pushing them. My ds is 13 has dyslexia and dyspraxia is top set in everything because we and school help and push him, he too is sensitive, prefers acting to football. (Amazingly manages 30 page scripts no problem because it's what he loves ).

Your son needs help not slagging off by his mum.

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:20:29

You seem to be picking up a lot of your attitude from your DH- he has 2DCs- why is he not proud of his eldest? What does he do with your eldest on his own, without the 5 year old? If the answer is nothing I would suggest that they start going out to do things while the youngest stays at home with you or they stay at home while you take the you best out. How do DH's parents and extended family treat the DSs? Are they treating them equally?
My DS is dyslexic, reading is hard work so he is not going to pick up a book for pleasure - stop battling over it. There are other things you can do- play chess let him cook the meal etc.
Go into school and insist that he gets extra help. I had to battle in year 7 but then he did get extra English, TA help, extra time in exams etc.
You are very lucky that he is passive and laid back or you would have more of a problem. Build up his confidence now or things will get worse as the 'bright' youngest gets older.
The problem lies in DH who has two,equal DSs and seems to think he has a family of 3 with an extra.

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:21:24

Sorry iPad! The youngest and not 'you best'!

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:22:29

He needs you on his side and clearly you are not.

Virtuallyarts Mon 10-Dec-12 07:32:51

Op i know it is difficult, but he needs you to help him - make an appointment with senco and discuss what support he needs and how they intend to provide it. Could you consider having a tutor for subjects he finds very difficult - expensive but can make a huge difference if you get a good one?
I remember someone saying that if school is a struggle, home should be a haven, so can you try building up his self esteem, telling him he's great,
pointing out his talents?

Virtuallyarts Mon 10-Dec-12 07:36:47

Also with reading, if you want to enciurage him, try audio books - they are great, and will give your dyslexic son access to books he would find a real struggle to read.

HairyGrotter Mon 10-Dec-12 07:40:02

Why haven't you tackled the school about his dyslexia? Why haven't you supported him in this? Yes, I can only imagine how frustrating it is, but you have to step in, you are his mother, his carer, his support. He is a child.

Also, have you explored music with him? Have you encouraged him to maybe take up an instrument or several instruments? If he is good at something, put some energies into that. Academics, yes we all need to learn the basics and have the ability to 'cope' in an adult world, but you aren't even allowing him that.

Get in that school, get him the help he needs. I'm glad some part of you feels bad as you are aware that you are doing wrong by him. Stop that immediately and support your son

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Mon 10-Dec-12 07:43:11

Being bright is not the be all and end all.

My DD (6) can't speak and can't dress herself or eat with cutlery but still I am always telling her she is amazing and a really clever girl because self esteem IS so important (and she is great too)

sashh Mon 10-Dec-12 07:44:51

He shouldn't need to ask for help, it should be there for him. From both school and you.

Lots of children, and it seems to be more boys, don't read for pleasure and find it boring.

Does he read things that are not books? Comics? Cereal packets? Anything?

A frien's son wanted a lizard (sorry can't remember the type) and asked for money for presents to put towards the lizard, vivarium etc etc.

Mum said he needed to know how to look after ,so he had to use his money to buy a book and learn the right temperature, food, enviroment etc.

Your ds doesn't have a need to read, so he won't. Is there anything he wants that he would have to research? A pet or a trip somewhere? That would give him a reason.

Do not, whatever you do compare your ds1 to ds2.

Praise the things he does do, and do well. Maybe he is great brother, or does the washing up, or is a fantastic artist.

Everyone is good at something. Find out what ds1 is good at and encourage it.

autumnmum Mon 10-Dec-12 08:20:21

This is really sad. My DB (now 35) is a chronic dyslexic but thanks to the tireless work of my Mum got through school and went on to get a degree. He now works as a computer programmer and the only things he reads are to do with computer languages or Terry Pratchett books. Whilst that not might be everybody's idea of literature it is still reading and he enjoys it.

You need to contact these people http://www.dyslexia.uk.net/ and start fighting your sons corner. My Dad was also very dyslexic but at a time when everybody had the sort of attitude you are displaying now. He did very well for himself as a structural engineer but had a massive inferiority complex because he grew up being told he was stupid and lazy. As a result he was a very difficult man to live with. please don't do this to your son. He will be brilliant at something, make it your job to find out what.

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