To be jealous...(54 Posts)
Ok so I kinda know I'm BU and very very selfish, but this is my first post so don't flame me too badly!
Me and DH really want to start ttc but for various (sensible) reasons we've decided to hold off for about a year. I'm bored of being sensible!! We're still fairly young (late 20's) but have been together for the best part of 10 years, and we've always had sensible ideas that we'd wait until we were financially stable, in a suitable home, enjoy grown up holidays whilst we can etc etc.
Originally we were going to start this year, pretty much now, but have now decided to postpone (again) until this time next year due to plans for a big family holiday to Australia (lots of saving, very expensive etc) and I was getting used to this, and trying to control my baby fever (which is sky high right now!) when it's announced that BIL has accidentally "knocked up" the girl he was seeing! I feel like I could cry!! I obviously wouldn't say anything out loud and I am happy for him, but at the same time I'm really selfishly jealous!
We've tried so hard to be careful over the years, and to ttc when it would be right rather than because we just want to and I feel like BIL is getting what I want without trying! I would never say this to anyone in RL as I know how hurt I would be if anyone felt like this about me, so I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
I'm trying to remember there is a lot more terrible things going on in the world and I'm being a selfish cow because this is clearly not a big problem in comparison, so please feel free to tell me to get a grip
Think you should come off contraception now and just get going. Life's too short for all this fucking about.
This probably doesn't help but I don't think a holiday is a reason not to ttc. There will always be something going on!
If you want a baby why let a holiday stop you. Im sure Australia is great but it will still be there when you are older and your kids are old enough to go too.
I think you need to just get on with it. With dh's consent as well of course. Unless there are other reasons?? Life is too short and the pp is right... There will be other reasons why next year may not be right. Lots of things happening all the time!
What if someone wants you to be a bridesmaid? Or you get promoted and need to work more hours? Or...?
There won't ever be a right time.
Me and DH have very recently realised this and despite being a bit on the skint side have just decided to get cracking. Scary but feels amazing (in more ways than one ..... baboom Ching!)
At least get ready.... Folic acid, come off any hormonal contraceptive and use condoms until you get your cycle back, gut the house, etc!
I have friends who waited for ten years, bought the house, got married, saved money etc etc then couldn't get pregnant.
Five years later they are still TTC. I know they wished they hadn't waited as their options are now limited because of local guidelines re fertility treatment and age.
So, get cracking.
< disclaimer: I am also waiting to TTC for similar reasons! Easy to give advice though isn't it? Not so easy to just do it >
What everyone else said. there is never, ever a "right" time. Just get on with it, love. I mean that with kindness and vehemenence x
Theres bever a right time. Every year you will be able to think of one more thing to do before starting to conceive. Just get on with it, you may still be trying this time next year anyway.
*never not bever!
Surely if its 'baby or holiday' and you are as desperate to have a baby as you say, you would be better choosing the baby.
You may be bored of being sensible, but after trying to ttc for our second dc 2 years we booked a holiday.
Then I got pregnant and we had to cancel as he was due 4 days after we should have flown. He ended up being born on the day we should have flown.
A if you want to ttc, a holiday shouldn't stop you.
I upset someone at work with this advice. But I stand by it: if both of you want children, just get on with it. Fertility is such an unknown, you really can't expect to have the luxury of scheduling in a pregnancy exactly when it suits you. You may be lucky, and be able to conceive immediately and have a normal, healthy pregnancy. But there are so many unknowns in there, and declining fertility once you get into your 30s, that I believe very strongly that the earlier you start the better.
I'm with all the others, there will always be something else you can spend the money on.
There is never a perfect time.
If you both really want a baby a holiday is no reason to stop you.
I'm with everyone else, life and fertility is too short, if you want a baby......get cracking
Really, there is never a right time to have a baby. If my DH and I had planned things, we'd still be childless now.
Babies aren't really that expensive. You can buy cheap cots these days, cheap supermarket nappies that are better than pampers (ime), cheap clothes thanks to various sales and asda. If you breast feed that's free food for the baby for about 6-9 months. Pushchairs and carseats can be bought in sales too.
Then think of all the gifts that people will buy you. Your family may offer to buy the pushchair or cot. Mine did. You'll have a massive pile of clothes that you will get as gifts. You can exchange the extra clothes for bigger sizes so you'll have his/her wardrobe sorted for a year at least. I had DS last January and he's just run out of clothes we were given at birth. I'm waiting for Christmas sales to buy his wardrobe for the next year.
Just do it!
Get on with it! Sounds like you are in as good a position to have a baby as it gets, there is never a perfect time.
My DH and his ex went on holiday to Australia when DSD was just 3 months old. Having a baby doesnt have to stop you doing anything as long as you plan right.
YANBU to feel a little jealous but I agree with the others posters, there is never a perfect time to try and not everyone gets pregnant straight away.
I think you should just start trying now, it sounds like you are already in a great position to just do it!
I think it's fair enough to wait until you have a bit of money and stability (although tbh we had little of either when I got pregnant!) But to delay for the sake of a holiday -- obviously that's totally fine if you both agree, but it's totally valid for you to feel differently.
I don't think you will really enjoy the holiday knowing it's the reason for delaying TTC.
What would happen if you told your DH you wanted to start TTC now instead of going on holiday?
I wonder if jealousy is the right word for what you feel? Perhaps it's more displaced anger/frustration with your DH, that you don't feel you can express.
Your feelings sound pretty natral, so dont beat yourself up.
I agree with everyone else, though. Putting off TTC for a holiday a year away is madness. Is it genuinely a joint decision to delay TTC? It doesnt sound like it....sounds like your DP is the one calling the shots, possibly?
There is never a right time to try IME.
There always seems to be room for a wee one though, if the unexpected happens.
Fingers crossed, thati t turns out well for you x
If it's a once if a lifetime kind of holiday then I think it's perfectly sensible to delay ttc. At least it would be to me.
Get cracking OP! (With DH agreement of course).
And I understand about the jealousy. I'm the oldest cousin in my family and the only one married etc. I was in the early days of PG when my cousin announced that he and his GF (of 6 months!) were PG and due a month before me. I was jealous that they would get all the attention of having first baby etc. As it turns out, me and the GF get on like a house in fire and exchange baby tips all the time.
It will work out with BIL and GF one way or another. But get cracking on TTC!!
Just hurry up as as soon as these problems are dealt with you will be facing another set of obstacles. In short- no such thing as the right time. ESP as you're married and have been together nearly ten years!!! Also it's easy going on holiday when preg or with a tiny infant. Good luck!!
I waited for DS. We were married, we both had good jobs, we had a house. We were all prepared. Then DS was born. There were major complications. He was premature, I took another year of surgery for me to be 'fixed', DS was deaf and had lots of problems, the stress made DH ill, he lost his job, we had to move in with the in-laws. My marriage crumbled under the strain. We got divorced.
Move on 5 years. I am living on my own with DS. I meet someone and accidentally get pregnant within 6 months. On paper, a complete disaster. In reality, I have a one year old daughter with a brilliant man and am as happy as can be.
The moral: you can't plan everything. Sometimes the things that happen accidentally are the best things - and the things we plan, not so good.
Have a baby!
Do it! Ttc I mean. I had an implant in. Decided this jan that we wanted to ttc but took a further 5 months before I could get my implant out. (followed medical advice re rubella. Had to have mmr jab and wait for blood tests etc)
It being the first time either of us would try for a baby we had no idea how long it would take And other relatives had taken one year so far (still trying) and 3 years to conceive.
I was prepared for the wait. We were going use the time to save some money. It took us two weeks of trying to get pregnant. A lot sooner than we were expecting and without any money saved. But, we will cope. You always do apparently!
It could take you two weeks, it could take you two years. No one knows. There will never be a perfect time. There will always be that holiday you want or that new car or the threat of job cuts etc etc etc.
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