Is he BU or do I need 'psyciatric help and anger management'?

(91 Posts)
Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 09:55:36

My youngest DC has the norovirus, hes young so only wants me. Ive been up to my armpits in sick, poo and washing. In the last three days I took him out the houss twice (school run) he was sick all down his all-in-one coat the first time, through every layer, it was covered. The second it was poo through every layer, up and down his back.

Yesterday DP was at work, I had enough food to give the eldest breakfast and lunch but that was it. No food for me, which was fine but I was waiting to see if the youngest could fare a trip to Tesco. He was just sick so figured his stomach could be rested enough to do a quick trip (we had no dinner, and DP was going straight from work to take DC1 to swimming so wouldnt have the chance) I blitz round tesco, get to the till, type in my pin wrong once and locks my card (apparently Id typed it in wrong in the past) cant get my shopping, cant call my bank my phones at home.

I drive home, get my phone try to drive back and my car starts failing. Its 3pm now and Im starving and worried the baby'll puke again.

I call DP and tell him my predicament, he finishes early, goes to tesco and they put all the food away!! He comes back with nothing!

I go mad for a good minute or two, I shout that its been a shit day, Im hungry, my cars broken, the baby is due to puke or poo and now DP is telling me its too late hes taking DC1 to swimming lessons he'll be back at about 5.20.

Im pissed right off but he gives me some biscuits, what else can I do?

This morning I tell him about a nightmare I had and he said, with a look of disgust on his face, "I think you need psychiatric help." Wtf?!

I tell him thats a shit thing to say, he starts saying I was an angry PITA yesterday and I need anger management! WTF?! It had all got ontop of me, I didnt scream, throw things or hit anyone. I just shouted for a minute, two maximum.

And its rare that ever happens! I said tell me one other time Id been angry like that in the last few months? Or longer! He couldnt.

But nope, he says I need psychiatric help because of my nightmares (he never dreams, I do, he thinks Im weird) and I need anger management because things got to me yesterday.

Is he BU or am I?

Your husband is being an arse.

But YABVU to take a pooing, vomiting child with norovirus to a supermarket. There are a lot of immuno-suppressed people about who would be very ill indeed if they caught it, my DH included.

WorraLorraTurkey Sat 08-Dec-12 11:31:31

I think you both need to calm down tbh.

If what you're saying is right and you hardly ever shout, then he's being an arse.

If you're not being entirely honest and you do shout and lose your temper a lot then maybe his anger management suggestion is a good idea.

That's an extremely violent dream his comment about psyciatric help sounds like a dig rather than any kind of concern.

Honestly though, who takes a child to swimming lessons when they're needed much more at home? That in itself was a stupid idea.

DecAndAnt Sat 08-Dec-12 11:34:25

I need to know why he came back form Tesco with nothing? He was in the actual store and he didn't think to grab a few things? I would have exploded at this without the day you had.
Selfish, inconsiderate, mean arsehole.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 11:43:17

Worra, I do shout yes. But it is occasional. I shoulder far more than he does. My fault, but not sure how to pass the buck if Im honest. Theres far more to te situation than Im willing to go into. But the OP was clear and honest.

Daisy I agree. My baby (the one with the bug) has very serious, long term, life threatening problems with his immune system. Illness's to him, are not like illness's to the average person. I avoided taking him out as much as possible but you know what, its not always that simple. Believe me I didnt want to take him out at all.

Hegsy Sat 08-Dec-12 11:47:57

I think your nightmare says it all really you feel your dp isn't there for you. TBH in the situation you describe I'd have been shouting a fair bit to. Hope ds feels better soon

scottishmummy Sat 08-Dec-12 11:48:56

how dreadful poor wee wean,is he better
stock up on dried foods,tins,pasta for emergencies like this.freeze milk
you and partner clearly have relationship issues you need to work out

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 11:55:20

Questioning your mental health after the day you had had, and going to tesco and coming back with nothing I would have flipped too.
He's not being supportive at all and well done for not shouting this morning and just telling him to leave. he needs to learn if he's neither use nor ornament, he's no help.
norovirus is bloody awful, how is your little one now?
Yes, to getting emergency food in so you're never in that position again, be prepared, and life will be less stressful,
but YWNBU, he definitely was!

OP, your DP sounds like an idiot. sad Seriously, if I had been trying to take care of a sick child all day, and there was no food in the house, and then my DH went out to Tesco and came back with nothing because "they put the food away"... heaven's sake, could he not just, you know, go around the aisles and get some more food??? I would go through my DH for being that bloody useless.

Regular people have nightmares when they are going through stressful situations. It's a subconscious way of coping with the emotions you have when awake (IMO). My DH had some real vivid doozies right before he separated from his exW - involving zombies, believe it or not. I've had my own nightmares where I've been convinced upon waking that the whole event was real. My six year-old DSD last week had a nightmare where a scary lady inserted a new brain next to her old brain, which then caused her to lose her voice and vocabulary.

Does Tesco deliver to your house? Would a neighbor go out for you?

PlaySchool Sat 08-Dec-12 11:57:55

I have no idea because I probably don't know the full story. However, DP should have not bothered with swimming lesson and got the shopping in. What is more important; a swimming lesson or feeding the family? Secondly, why the hell did he not pick a few things off the shelf in Tesco?

MammaTJ Sat 08-Dec-12 12:06:02

Your nightmare says it all, he just fucks off and leaves you to deal with everything, in the dream and RL.

Nice!!

He should come here and see me in full meltdown mode. You should too, I could teach you how to do it properly over a lot less. grin

AmberLeaf Sat 08-Dec-12 12:14:27

What a dickhead.

You shouldn't be going anywhere with a child that ill.

How can an adult go to tesco and come back empty handed? That is deliberate.

FeistyLass Sat 08-Dec-12 12:16:21

Poor you. Of course your dp was being an idiot. Your dream was just replaying how he'd let you down during the day by leaving you to deal with a sick child and all the consequences of that.
A couple of times I was stuck in the house with a sick child, no food, no car and dp got 'caught up at work' and forgot to bring anything back despite phone calls and texts to remind him. Now, at the first hint any of us might be ill, I order online. Seriously, it just takes one more pressure off. In fact I did it last night cos we're all suffering from horrendous colds right now.

misterwife Sat 08-Dec-12 12:21:01

Holy cow. I don't know the context to this, but your kid has norovirus. Your partner should be helping you, not accusing you of being mentally unstable. What a git.

misterwife Sat 08-Dec-12 12:21:44

Also - "they put the food away" - in what universe does this actually happen?

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:22:40

Do you know what. Ordering online hadnt once crossed my mind. That seems like such an obvious solution now. Im rather embarassed that I never thought of it. But then, neither did DP.

Baby DC has stopped being sick now, the last time was the time mentioned in the OP so 1ish yesterday. Hes much more himself mow. They said it'd take 4 days and it has. Pleased to see the back of it.

Im going to talk to DP tonight, Im going to explain that I feel as though his expectations of me are far too high, and with all that I shoulder its not unusual to lose it occasionally BECAUSE MUMSNET SAID SO! Seriously though Im tempted to tell him I posted this and show him the replies, or explain them at the very least.

And that dreams are normal! Just because he doesnt dream doesnt mean Im weird because I do.

Montybojangles Sat 08-Dec-12 12:23:22

So, you had had nothing to eat all day, spent days cleaning up poop and vomit, had all the supermarket stress and when he comes home with bugger all he can't understand why you had a bit of a melt down followed by a nightmare??
Dreams are where we sort out our worries/ days events. No wonder you are having nightmares if you are dealing with a poorly little person without perhaps all the support you need. He's lucky he isn't my OH, I frequently have nightmares and sleep walk. OH just puts me back to bed, as any usual caring partner should, I imagine your OH would be booking me into the funny farm...

Tell him he needs to be a bit more supportive (a lot of men are not so good at the emotional stuff, just the way they are), perhaps giving him tasks (shopping etc) would ease your workload and make him feel he's helping without having to do the touchy feely stuff he clearly has no aptitude for. Can you do online shopping?

Hope your little one is on the mend soon.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:24:22

Placing bets as to whether he hears my side or carries on judging and accusing.

If its the latter then we have serious problems.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:27:38

misterwife I know!! Put it away? I think he must not have spoken to the lady that I spoke to.

I asked her to keep it, I'll be back. She said she would.

DP goes, then its been put away. Stupid Tesco.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 12:28:00

I have some right freaky dreams, was once with a bloke who never had any, I'm sure he thought I was making them up sometimes! I remember every detail so clearly. You're right, just because he doesn't, doesn't mean you're mad, and I really think him inferring you are is the height of twattiness.

DP is an arse. But dear god OP, do an online shop!

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 08-Dec-12 12:28:53

Yes, but.... Tesco is full of food!!! IMHO he was trying to be difficult.

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:34:03

Alien he was.

However, when he was in Tesco he called me (when he had left but was still there) and I was getting very frustrated when he told me they put it away. I said he could not be talking to the right person. Was it [described her] or some chump he was asking?

He said "Dont start getting irrate with ME."

I said OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! And hung up.

Thats why he came home with no food knowing that we had none.

Sorry I realise thats a drip feed but I swear thats the WHOLE story.

StinkyWicket Sat 08-Dec-12 12:37:18

YANBU. He is being a total arse.

I've had days like that, I think I'm allowed to have a bit of a strop when I've been up to my eyeballs in shit and puke and then the added bonus of nothing to eat or drink at the end of it!

I seriously don't understand why he couldn't just pick up a loaf and some ready meals or something useless tit and to say you need anger management or psychiatric help is ridiculous.

This was his issue. Not yours. Had he had a bad day as well, so he was unable to sympathise?

Wossit Sat 08-Dec-12 12:38:30

No his day was fine, he works by himself, getting the job done. Hes his own boss, it was a normal day.

I have to agree that your DH was 'trying to be difficult'. I simply cannot see why he would go to Tesco and come back with nothing. Let's say Tesco had decided you were not returning because of how much time had elapsed - it's possible. What you had selected and packed wasn't there to pick up. In such circumstances (and presumably knowing there was no food in the house - I'm sure that was shouted at him grin) - how big an arse do you have to be to not then go round the shelves and get some food in? At the very least phone you and ask what to bring back, if he can't decide what is needed (clue - food).

And then to decide that taking DC1 swimming has priority over getting food? Sorry, but either he likes making you feel powerless, or he cannot take responsibility for his own failings (because if he could he would have apologised and gone back to Tesco). You don't have to be Brain of Britain to work out that someone who hasn't eaten all day will have low blood sugar and be irritable. And god only knows you already had cause to be irritable.

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