To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

(184 Posts)
Zavi Fri 07-Dec-12 22:37:29

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:30:51

This is a thread where another vigilante nutter got quite rightly banned from the playground.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bullying/992771-dh-banned-from-school-playground-after-dd-bullied-for-two/AllOnOnePage

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:31:26

takatak

I wouldn't be, because unless that mother saw what happened, she cannot know

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:31:34

"to be grabbed and shouted at"

When did the OP say that? She told the other child off. I would be grateful if another parent told my DD off in similar circumstances. Actually bothering to engage with the child rather than just going to moan to the teachers.

People are so hysterical about another adult even looking at or speaking to their child...ridiculous!

treaclesoda Fri 07-Dec-12 23:32:37

I wouldn't be happy about another adult holding my child by the arm/shoulder whilst scolding them either, but on the other hand, the problem with situations like this is that the OP, understandably, believes her child to have told her the whole story, and the other child's mum believes that her child has told her the whole story, and its possible that neither parent knows for sure what has really happened. It would have been best to leave it to the school, I think.

AgentZigzag Fri 07-Dec-12 23:33:03

But the fact that the mum went steaming in without the full facts says a lot about her state of mind Marianne.

I don't want people randomly having a go at my DD because of what their DC has said to them about her.

If they do, they'll have me to deal with because I'm another adult and my DD is a child and as her parent I'll decide how to sort it with her.

A short telling off about something that needed dealing with then/there would be different, no problem with that, but you can't go giving in to the completely understandable rage other children can bring out in you when your DC tell you they're being shitty to them.

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:34:22

Here is another stupid bitch who got herself banned from the school grounds.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1200780/Mother-banned-school-confronting-sons-bully.html

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:36:06

ReallyTired

Off the point, but. The Bra

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:36:18

"randomly having a go at my DD "

Well it wasn't randomly was it - the OP's child hit the other child.

"If they do, they'll have me to deal with because I'm another adult and my DD is a child and as her parent I'll decide how to sort it with her."

I think this is precisely the wrong attitude. What, you will send the boys round or something?

I think it's good that a parent actually takes the trouble to talk to the other child than simply being passive-aggressive which most of you seem to advocate.

Although I do think the school should know too.

treaclesoda Fri 07-Dec-12 23:36:51

There are situations where I think its perfectly appropriate for an adult, who is not a child's parent, to reprimand a child. I was at an event recently where a child was extremely violent to several other children who were smaller than him. This included knocking a toddler to the ground and stamping on him, grabbing a baby round the neck with both hands, and various other escapades of that nature. His mother refused to step in, and just simpered a bit and shrugged her shoulders. So other parents stepped in and reprimanded him instead. I can't see why that should be inappropriate - if a parent doesn't want other adults to reprimand their child, the best thing to do is to step in and do it themselves, then others won't need to.

MarianneM Fri 07-Dec-12 23:36:55

Ok, I get where you're coming from no Really Tired.

Nighty night.

WorraLorraTurkey Fri 07-Dec-12 23:36:57

Oh Ziggers make sure you turn the web cam off afterwards shock wink

If an 8yr old hit my child unprovoked and then persuaded him not to tell the staff, I'd pull the child up too and have a stern word with him (I wouldn't hold his shoulder).

If my 8yr old hit another child unprovoked and then persuaded him not to tell the staff, I would be perfectly happy for his Mum to pull my child up and have a stern word too (without the shoulder holding).

I'm not sure when we as a Nation stopped doing this?

But I know when I was a child, a telling off from another parent/neighbour nipped any bad behaviour from me straight in the bud...much more so than if my parents or the teacher told me off.

takataka Fri 07-Dec-12 23:37:33

OP didnt say the woman shouted at all...she just told OPs dc that she was upset and angry about what had happened and it must stop...sounds perfectly reasonable

I would go through the teachers, but dont think speaking directly to the dc is particularly wrong. Of course the child would have been upset by the exchange....kids normally are if they are told off for something they have done wrong arent thye

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes Fri 07-Dec-12 23:37:45

A parent in my DS's class was given a formal warning that they could be banned from school property following a similar event.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:38:47

Worra

Honestly, I am of the "it takes a village to raise a child" school of thought. But not on school premises when you have not seen the incident yourself.

Cahoootz Fri 07-Dec-12 23:38:52

YANBU. Not at all. I would talk to the school.

treaclesoda Fri 07-Dec-12 23:38:54

to clarify, I'm talking about situations where another adult actually witnesses the behaviour in question. Not a 'my child says X' , and 'my child says Y' situation, as in reality no one can know the truth of what happened except those who were there.

takataka Fri 07-Dec-12 23:40:15

Jamie OPs child hasnt disputed that they thumped the other child unprovoked...there arent 2 versions of events

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:42:28

takataka

I wonder if there are though .... From her words, other mum may see this as more than a one-off. Also, whereas OP's child says the child suggested not telling the teacher, the other mother says her child was 2too scared" to tell the teacher

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 07-Dec-12 23:42:32

I think being told off by someone else's parent can come as a big shock to children. It's why teachers control classes so well in infant/primary school (by high school the majority don't care that much really). So that the woman had a word with OP's DS isn't really the issue,it's the uncessary touching. Nobody has any right to touch someone else's child in anger.

WorraLorraTurkey Fri 07-Dec-12 23:42:48

Honestly, I am of the "it takes a village to raise a child" school of thought. But not on school premises when you have not seen the incident yourself.

The child admitted to it, why did she need to see it?

ripsishere Fri 07-Dec-12 23:45:30

I am torn, I do think that a formal complaint is a bit OTT though.

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:46:24

The parent had not witnessed the behaviour so was not round to nip in the bud. If she had witnessed the behviour and the OP was not around then it would be OK for her to say something.

However the telling off came sometime after the incident. The victim's mother made no attempt to discuss the matter with OP. She should have spoken to the OP first and allowed her to discipline her own son.

The OP says that her child was frightened. Surely that is going too far and is a form of bullying in itself.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:47:08

Fair point, but the child also says he apologised, so no need for any steaming in.

IMO. the other mum clearly thinks this is more than a one off, in which case she should go to the school. Or she is completely over-reacting to a one-off event, in which case she's also in the wrong to touch and talk to the OP's child

JamieandtheMagiTorch Fri 07-Dec-12 23:47:42

My last post was in reply to worra

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 23:53:57

"The child admitted to it, why did she need to see it? "

Prehaps because she does not know the full circumstances. Sometimes red mist decends with chidren. We don't know why the OP son lost his temper.

When my son was seven he punched a boy quite hard in the face because the boy took the mick out of him for wearing hearing aids. My son lost his temper because he did not like being called "spastic". This was witnessed by the dinner ladies and both boys were punished. Infact my son had less of a punishment than the other boy.

The other boy's mother was convinced that her son had been "bullied". I don't agree with violence, but I think her son asked for the punch.;

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