ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To not want to feel like a milking machine?(31 Posts)
Was at PIL last Saturday, had DD3 (3 weeks) taken off me the second we walked in and only passed back for feeds. As soon as I finished feeding she was taken off me again. Hard to say no when MIL asks for a cuddle...
Back there this Sunday and not looking forward to it...
What I do with mine is say, to baby dd "are you going to go to cuddle grandma for a bit?" then hand her over myself. Then you can say "shall I take her now?" and have her back when you want. You are in charge. Obviously gps want to hold their gcs but you need to be comfortable with it and not feel anxious. With my first I really didn't want to let go to begin with, but now with fourth dc tbh am glad of a rest! As long as you are being friendly/respectful, if your mil gets upset it is her problem, not yours. If you don't feel like handing your baby over, don't. They have years to 'bond' it doesn't all have to be done in the early weeks.
Thanks everyone. Hopefully last weekend was just especially bad, we're going over to help put up all the decorations so might be a little different.
My ils are like this so I can totally understand how it feels. Also you're probably still a bit hormonal atm which won't help. Ime you need to get your dh on side, tell him you find it upsetting to constantly have the baby taken from you and get him to help with taking her back. If it gets too much take her into another room to feed and stay there for a while, I used to do this all the time! You can just say shes a bit unsettled and needs peace and quiet to latch on properly
You know it's something that wouldn't bother me. I can get cuddles anytime I want, they can't. Just enjoy having your arms free and read the paper!
YANBU. The same happened to me but when my MIL handed my ds to me for feeds it was accompanied by 'back to the milk machine'. I said something and it caused a huge argument but she has respected boundaries (to a certain extent) since then.
I would say that they learn by the next child but this is your third so that's not going to happen.
Do they pay your other children any attention? Doesn't sound like it.
It is about taking back control but if you haven't said anything previously with your other children it might be a bit difficult now.
I completely understand how you feel. I think probably the jokey way is the way forward. And just don't let her go when she comes to get her and give her when you want to!
Don't have to be aggressive about it, just say "I'll pass her over in a minute, I need a bit if a cuddle with her after the feed. Thanks so much for helping out today, I've really appreciated the chance to spend some time with the other DCs but you know, I've really missed the baby! How funny is that?!?" All said with a big smile and an iron grip on your DD.
Cos you know they ARE doing to a favour by taking the baby AND it's nice they are so interested in her. So make your point in a nice way that you miss your DD!
Thanks otherworld. To be honest it's about me not getting a say and losing all control. I did spend lots of time with my other DCs so it was lovely from that angle. I just felt crap having someone come and take her off me constantly, just not a nice feeling.
Good idea Deck. I've actually had mastitus this week so can use that this weekend as needing to feed as much as possible (even though I'm hoping it will be better this by Sunday).
I think you are being just a teeny bit unreasonable if it's just about holding the baby. But it sounds to me like it's not.
So you need a plan - you could shorten your visit. Maybe only a couple of hours? Or you could start a big row by being stroppy about handing her over to her GPs. Or you could accept that they want time with her, hand her over at the door and see it as an opportunity to spend time with your other children. Or cancel entirely.
I loved the new baby stage too. Loved being able to cuddle my newborns for hours on end.
It just seemed particularly bad last weekend, DD3 had been a little bit sick on the way over so MIL took her straight off me to change her, then passed her to FIL. Luckily DP came in and got her back for a feed. As soon as I'd stopped feeding MIL was back and took her off me again, then layed her on the floor whilst we ate. I could have done this myself, although wouldn't have done as she hasn't been well and doctor told me to keep her upright a much as possible.
Then later for next feed, I'd barely finished feeding when MIL took her off me again... I had just started burping her. I said she needed to burp but she just cuddled her without burping her. To be fair this wouldn't normally bother me but was quite rough last week with cough/cold so needed winding lots to stop being sick with the mucus ( which I'd told MIL).
Then managed to get her back when we went home!!!!
I have absolutely no objections to them having cuddles, just wish it was in my control and also that I wasn't just being used as a milking machine. I came away feeling utter crap!!
Actually you could say "I'm still establishing my milk supply and if I spend no time just cuddling my child today it could do damage that will be difficult to repair."
Either view it as a good thing, or develop a set of lines like "I'm just getting him settled, then he would love a cuddle" to put them off grabbing him immediately
I'm a mum of four ages 23 to 11mths, and also have three grandchildren ages 3 to 5mths. I can see this from both angles!
I'd hate if anybody did this with my babies, luckily nobody has! But, I love my little grandchildren to bits. It's not until you have them that you realise just how much you can love a child that you haven't borne yourself. And having a baby myself makes it even more apparent. Incidentally my grandchildren are my sons children and I have two wonderful dil's. I would never just take the baby from either of them.
I think you need to say something, a jokey way would probably be least offensive. Although you might appreciate the time off in a few months !
Well differences of opinion, I either need to accept it or be forceful in saying no, which I don't necessarily want to do. Just wish they wouldn't be so forceful in taking her off me. I suppose when we're out at people's houses I don't need to host so it's actually easier to sit and cuddle than it is in my own house.
Well hopefully it won't be quite as bad as last weekend.
You really need to be more forceful in saying no
santa have you been on the eggnog? I know what you mean though.
OP, sorry but I think you probably do need to just let this one go, and reap the benefits of it. So long as DD3 is content being held by GP's then just let it go. Look at it from their point of view- they'll see refusal as you begrudging them holding their GC for a few hours once a week.
does any of that make any sense?
although if you really dont want to give in to it you could try the mock child stubborny "nope she's all mine for a bit" and pretend clutching her tight like a child would do with a toy. i dont think i'm describing it very well but i'm thinking of a thing i do with my dcs as a joke. i would lift say one of their teddies and pretend it's mine and they will ask for it back (all the while laughing, they know this routine!) and i will say "nope, it's all mine. you cant have it" and pretend to pull it closer to me and turn my head to the side. obviously with adults you wouldn't need to labour the point as much but i think it could be a way of getting your way without seeming controlling (not saying you are controlling but that theu might think you are being)
i can understand the not liking her just being taken off you and handed back for feeds but TBH in your shoes, i would enjoy it. when both my dcs were born i was a LP so this may cloud my opinion but i was constantly holding them as i was the only one there. i was glad when people came to visit as they would be happy to sit and hold them for ages. couldn't you try and see it as a wee break for you at least until the novelty wears off for PILs?
Not sure it bothered me quite as much before, slowly getting more "sensitive"
annoyed by the PIL and their opinions since having kids. They're lovely people, just very opinionated and confident in themselves.
I just wish they'd let me offer over rather than just take... I'd never do that!
What's the problem, unless DD3 is unhappy being held by others?. Enjoy having both hands free, or even better, tell them you're going to nip upstairs for a nap .
This is DD3, only have this issue with the newborns/babies as MIL just loves cuddling the little ones. They obviously have their opinions on other stuff but I handle that fine as can justify my reasons. Hard to just say "well no sorry actually I'm enjoying my cuddle" when in theory I get cuddles all the time. I also get the "it's good for them to get used/bond with other people" line and suspect they'd think I was overprotective.
Also, it would upset DP if I upset his mum...
What California said. Stand up for yourself.
When they ask to take him back just smile and say "no, he's fine here, thank you."
If this is your third child what did you do with your previous children??
Keep visits short / it's like this for everyone.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.