AIBU about my MIL? Please help!(114 Posts)
Hi I'm new to MN, I'd just like to know if people think I'm being unreasonable to feel upset/angry.
It's a bit of a long story so I'm sorry in advance.
I have a 2 mo son who is currently living with me and my fiancé and my parents house until we can move into our first home in jan.
While I was pregnant, my MIL said we could live with her and wouldn't charge us board so we could save up for our wedding which was a very kind offer which of course we accepted. I have never really felt comfortable in her house as its basically a show home and she's very strict and picky about things like cleaning etc and I come from a home where cleaning is not #1 priority every single day not to say I'm a messy person I always kept it tidy and clean, washed and ironed for them while I was on maternity leave.
So obviously we accepted her offer and I had only been living there 3 wks and was 4 days from my due date when she made a big deal with the fact I had asked my mum to come and help me wash my sons clothes and put them away in his nursery as she hadn't seen any of his clothes or seen his beautiful nursery that MIL kindly paid for and decorated. So I tell my MIL I had asked my mum if she could come help me sort his clothes out and she appeared to be ok about it. Later on that day my fiancé came home and said MIL had rang him in tears because she wanted me to sort the clothes with her (even though she'd suggested I do it the Monday while she was at work) anyways, she was really upset , told dp that she felt like a stranger in her own home and didn't want other people coming into her house. My mum is not just any person and she would not have trashed the place or anything. I was always told by her that I need to act as it was my own home etc so I really didn't think it would be such a huge deal. So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. I thought it was such a horrible thing to do after saying I was to make myself at home she acted like that over a stupid thing. I would never have agreed to move into her home if I had known that nobody would have been able to visit me while mil + fil were at work and I would have been all on my own being a new first time mother.
So after son is born mil is acting like I'm a hero and being so nice and I'm being nice also even though I still hugely upset over the whole thing and how much stress it caused.
Now apparently she thinks my sons clothes smells of smoke... My parents do smoke BUT they smoke outside of the house obviously. She is so anti-smoking which is fine but my son actually doesn't smell of smoke. When I pack his bag to go to her house she doesn't put any of the clothes I plan out for him on, she puts brand new things on him, has her own blankets for him and even got her 17year old pram down from the loft to take my son out in. She has bought everything brand new for him like a bouncy chair, towels, bath everything! And keeps it in her house. I find this so annoying and I feel like she's acting like my son is her son. Obviously I understand she's excited to become a grandparent but it's too much. Every time I get pissed off it causes arguments between me and dp as he doesn't like me complaining about his mother. Also she has never expressed any of the problems she has to me she's always texting or ringing dp and upsetting him saying she wishes he and my son could go and live with her, she's not happy with them both living at my house etc... And my dp won't tell any of this to me I found out by reading his text messages as he wouldn't tell me why he was in such a bad mood. (I know it's wrong to do that but I knew something was up)
Am I being unreasonable? It's getting too much. She is known for being a bitch anyway, she thinks she is better than everyone else and looks down her nose at people which is awful to watch.
It's getting quite bad now I'm so unhappy and find everything she says or does gets me angry and my dp and I argue a lot about her. He doesn't see it from my point but I know it upsets him me getting upset and I really wish she would just keep her opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new parent with a wedding and new house in the next few months.
I even sent her a message just before ds was born saying I don't know why she's upset with me and asking why she wanted us to move in so badly but not letting me know about her rules about visitors like did she seriously expect me to sit at home alone with nobody to help me if I felt I needed it?
She didn't even reply! And a week or so ago I complained to dp that she had just completely blanked my message and so he told her to reply to get it sorted and she said she had nothing to be sorry about she hasn't done anything wrong and she wasn't going to appologize for being her.
But she txt me saying she's fed up of the atmosphere between us and to accept that we are all different people with different opinions and put it in the past which I replied that I was still upset but I was willing to put it behind me and start fresh for ds and dp's sake. (Even though I still despise her) and try not to go to her house if I don't have to cause everything she says pisses me off.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like shit about it all still?
Am I in the wrong?
I know this all looks so petty but I'd really like an outsiders point of view and I'm sorry for babbling on
Sinbu to have all baby stuff at her house, that's nice of her, and it makes life easier for you.
Sibvu indeed suggesting to your dp that he takes your child and goes and lives with her.
She sounds mental, sorry. I would disengage, stop stressing about your relationship, stop making overtures to her. Smile and nod. Think of her as you would a colleague you dislike but need to get on with at work. Don't go out of your way for her, but don't give her any reason to bitch about you. Don't slag her off to your dp. Disengage, think to yourself 'I'm not playing your game' Soon your baby will be old enough to visit alone with his dad, and you can wash your hands of her. My mum had a mil she despised and this is what she did. It worked for our family.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you are letting her stress you out way too much. Just rise above it, every time you read DPs texts or slag her off to him, you're letting her drive a wedge between you. She can't do any harm here if you don't let her. Like Artex says, just smile and nod.
What is your DP saying before and after her texts?
If he is saying he is unhappy or something then of course she will say 'well move home then'.
I think its nice she has things for your DS at her house and, yes, she sounds a bit OTT at points but you sound like you over-react too and your poor DP is stuck in the middle.
Do you not go to her house when he goes? What on earth is she doing changing him out of his clothes?
OK, I am a strict non smoker and I expect he does smell of smoke to her for a start, sorry, just being around people who smoke I can smell it, and they only smoke outside.
I gave a load of baby stuff to someone who does this, and I wont be having it back for this reason.
The rest, you seem to be holding a massive grudge from a long time ago, you shouldnt be going through DPs texts looking for reasons to be upset, I personally think he is right to ignore her and not tell you, it only causes more trouble.
Lastly, how much time is DS spending there?? I would imagine it is very little if you arent going there, lots of grandparents I know have things in their own houses, it does make life easier.
If DS isnt there much you are stressing about nothing, you sound a bit fixated on her tbh when you should be getting on with your life and looking forward to wedding and own place.
IMO you are overreacting.
Your baby probably smells of smoke if he's living in a house with smokers, sorry. you live there too and therefore you are desensitised. But her having stuff at her house for your baby is a good thing, my mil had all stuff at her house too it saved me having to carry loads of stuff when I went.
wrt what she's saying to your dp, well if you're that highly strung about a few baby things and a small falling out over your mum (she didn't say you couldn't have visitors did she?) then maybe he's unhappy. And what are you doing snooping through his texts?
Do you leave DS with your MIL, if so, how often? If he at her house a lot then it is not odd for her to have bouncy chairs etc And I expect she dresses him in 'her' outfits because she has enjoyed buying things for him - annoying but not worth getting stressed about. Unless she takes then back off him before he leaves her house - in which case she's a nutter.
As for the smoke smell, well she could be right, if your parents hold him after smoking then it will transfer to his clothes.
Hopefully things will settle when you move into your own place. In the meantime I would forget about her being unreasonable when you lived with her. I suspect she is the one who as lost out by not being the on-the-spot granny, & is probably jealous of your DM because of this. And don't communicate with her by text - it never helps!
Away to bed now, but good luck. I don't think you are really being unreasonable, but a lot of irritations are magnified when you are tired & stressed - which is usually a given when you have a small baby.
Yes I admit I am letting it get to me too much and I am trying not to think about it but she ends up saying or doing something else and I get pissed off.
Well she first asked him what was up with me I appeared in a mood and didn't make much conversation with her (why would I want to???) and he told her I was upset still over the having to move out a few days before due date and would have liked an appology. Then mil replies she has nothing to be sorry for etc...
He hasn't said anything bad really like complaining on the texts although I know he's finding it difficult living with my parents which I understand of course it's hard living in other people's houses I should know! And I know he finds my mum annoying at times... She only means well but I understand his pov there too that's the thing, anytime he has a problem with my mum I let him voice it and I usually agree and try and tell my mum in a nice way that she has offended dp or something like that which is fine but when I have a problem he thinks I'm just trying to attack his mum which I really am not I don't want any arguments I want us to get on and I want her to keep her opinions to herself and turning her nose up at things.
My son has been going to her for the night on a weekend as she doesn't come to my parents to visit, she looks down on my family because we are not well off like her basically. My mum even feels small around her which I hate. I don't like him going there for the night although I do love a break for a good night sleep I miss him terribly but dp wants her to be able to spend quality time with him which I can't really say no to as I do want my son to have a good relationship with all of his family members even if I don't particularly like her.
We do sometimes go over for dinner or a cuppa but I have just told dp at times to go without me as I felt too unhappy about being there with all the tension.
Yes I think it's nice she has things for him but not everything! Itd like she has her own baby living there! And the things she has she tries to get better versions as though its a competition which she does with everything else she buys too which pisses me off as its so petty.
I guess your right I do need to stop letting it get to me all I know is I'm sick of all the crap I just want a nice happy life with my family
Thank you for your replies btw
cut your MIL some slack, stop fretting about her and stop nagging your boyfriend and start enjoying your baby.
Also she has taken something back once which really annoyed me... She dropped him off in a lovely snowsuit she had bought him... Then asked if she could take it back for when she takes him out again. I was too shocked to say no also there is still some of his clothes that me and dp bought for ds at her house that he hasn't been able to wear because she 'forgot' to pack them. God I know I'm being petty I'm going to shut up now! Sorry guys
IMO, it's 6 of one half a dozen of another.
I'd have killed for someone to take my DD away for the night when she was that age.
I think you should all grow up, stop communicating by text, and move out as quickly as you can.
I know everyone needs a little help now and then but with the free bed and board, the nursery and now the overnight babysitting....it seems to me that if you don't like the woman perhaps you shouldn't rely on her so much?
The baby will smell of smoke and as you're living with smokers, you probably won't be able to smell it.
It's just a smell though and she needs to get over it...but having said that I can understand why she wanted the suit back, otherwise it would defeat the purpose of buying it if it smelled of smoke again.
The nursery was not our idea it was hers. We wernt planning on living there in the first place and she had already started planning the nursery. Also I know and have appreciated she has been very generous but that's the thing with her she throws money at people to try and get her own way. And those words came from my dp! And I have tried to not accept some of her generosity as I felt it would be awful of me to basically look like I'm using her for her generosity when I'm not my dp wants to accept it all the time although I don't blame him it just makes me feel a bit shitty
She's a control freak and wants her son back home with her and her grandchild in her home so she can act like she is the mummy.
I know because I have been through a very similar thing with my MIL. It took a long time for DH to see what his DM was doing and it almost tore us apart.
Just ignore it all or you will end up giving her exactly what she wants when you and your DH break up over this. Unless he sees it for himself like my DH eventually did.
I get it because I have been in your shoes that even the little things can become very magnified, but just let it all go. Ride it out as if she doesn't exist when she isn't immediately in your presence. When she is around, just pretend like there is no issue at all.
If you were still living with her I wouldn't have given you this advice. But luckily you are in your parents home so you don't have to deal with it all the time.
Good luck and God speed
Thank you LDNmummy! It's good to know you've been in the same situation and understand how it is. I'm taking your advice and going to rise above it all!
I feel she should realize she made you and your mother feel unwelcome, and apologuise.
My advise is, to be the bigger person, and give her another chance. Soon you will be in your own place, and things will settle down.
She may never be your favorite person, but I would forgive her (even without an apology), and hopefully she will learn to act like a caring person. Buying things may be her way of being nice. Some people just don't really understand what being nice is.
I hope things smooth out for you soon.
Well ok but you used 2 phrases in your OP that made me think despite the fact you don't like the woman, you're willing to take advantage of her generosity.
The phrases were " which of course we accepted" and "So obviously we accepted her offer".
What she gives you does not give her the right to act like that but since she obviously thinks it does, and you don't like her anyway perhaps it's time you and your DP became a little more independent?
Don't accept her generosity in money or overnight babysitting as she obviously thinks it gives her the right to dictate.
Stand on your own two feet as independent adults and the only people who get to call the shots are you and your DP.
YouTube the 90/10 principle.
Also you do not need to let her have him overnight once a week unless you want to (which is fine a break is lovely but overnight is not necessary for a good relationship
Just stop letting her get to you.
Also - if your mum gets on DPs nerves sometimes - he needs to suck it up - you are bound to be getting on top of each other all in one house.
You both need to relax and remember that this is not forever.
So she takes you into her home, prepares to support you and your child, and 4 days before you give birth, when you may have been a bit emotional, you have a non-row over something trivial and then:
"So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. "
You didn't talk it through like an adult, you and her spineless son move out. The next day. And she blanked you. You're lucky she didn't give you both the kick up the arse you so richly deserve. Another nightmare DIL. You sound very childish. Cut her some slack, she must be heartbroken. And despite the rotten way you've treated her, you're still happy to send your child overnight once a week? Unreal.
Sorry but when you smell the smoke you are breathing in the bad stuff (carcigens - sp?). It's not just a smell.
Sounds like she has never cut the apron strings from your dp and w
Sorry, wrong button. And would like him and your baby all to herself. It suited her fine when you were living there until you did something which she felt was pushing her out.
Sounds to me like you're well out of there, although don't be pressurized into sending baby there overnight, as youre obviously not comfortable with it frOm what you say. 2months is very young to have sleepovers.
Just ignore all her crap, and try to enjoy your new baby. When dp gets upset with what she's texting, change your reaction to sympathy for him, having to listen to his mothers nonsense, and he'll see things in a different light soon enough.
She is probably upset that after preparing her home for you to live in, with her grandchild, you just upped and left. I'm not saying she is right in the way she is behaving but I'm trying to see her point of view as well.
If you had this argument about the clothes and then just upped and left back to your parents without trying to sort things out she must be very hurt.
However, it seems that you have been given good advice in just smile and ignore. If you want to have any sort of relationship with her, if you think that is possible then you may have to deal with all the issues, bring everything out face to face.
When I talk about how wonderful my MIL is, it's actually dhs stepmum. His real Mum gave us some serious problems. I eventually took her on one side and told her very, very firmly that the ball was in her court, she could either lose a son or gain a daughter, her choice, but I would win if she chose to carry on her petty battle for supremacy.
It's been over ten years since we've seen her.
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