...to be annoyed that my Mum just invites herself and then ruins Christmas?

(113 Posts)
justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 20:36:43

Long Post-sorry. I am in my 40's and have a very strained relationship with my mum. My siblings have nothing to do with her because of her attitude, she has narcissistic tendencies. I would quite happily cut off all contact with her, but feel guilty because I'm the last of her children who tolerates her. She has brothers and sisters whom she has alienated too, but doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. She presumes that she is coming to spend Christmas with DP and I, but this will be the 12th year she's just invited herself and I just can't face it again. She is overpowering, selfish and sooo ungrateful. She knows I only invite her because no-one else will put up with her. You'd think she would behave in a more reasonable manner, but she aways dictates how the day runs, what we eat, when we eat, stops us meeting up with friends later in the day etc. My DP's son will be home from the forces at Christmas, so we can't run away abroad for Christmas to avoid her! I'm generally a strong minded woman, but my Mum is such a bully that railroads people into doing what she wants. I know you only get 1 mum, don't be uncharitable, it's the season of goodwill etc!!!! Don't judge me, you haven't spent Christmas Day with my mother, what should I do?

If you can afford to go away for a few days in the UK that might be a good idea as you will get to totally relax and DP will get quality time while his son is home on leave. smile

ImperialSantaKnickers Tue 04-Dec-12 11:57:30

You may be able to get a good last minute deal on a holiday let for Christmas. Preferably one with no mobile signal coverage grin

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 12:12:35

I would rather be on my own at Christmas than have to spend any time with my mother. Whatever the opposite of happiness is, but that's what she wants for Christmas, and for everyone else. A kind of festive combo of misery, guilt and fear.

YuleBritannia Tue 04-Dec-12 12:47:40

Oh dear. I feel a bit guilty now asking my DD if I can spend a few days over Christmas with them in Oz.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 12:51:25

Yule, Don't. Your motives are to have fun and help. Not to suck all the love out of the room. smile You go and have some laughs.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 04-Dec-12 12:59:22

Rent a nice house somewhere pretty in the UK (big enough for DP's son as well as whoever else you're spending the hols with), don't tell her, and switch your phones off.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Tue 04-Dec-12 14:06:38

As its just one day then I'm sure ops mother will be fine on her own,or does the 'one day' 'season of goodwill' stuff only work one way in the favour of the nastiest or pushiest person?

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 16:04:51

All of your texts have really cheered me up. She will be on her own if she doesn't come here, that what makes me feel so guilty. She expects everything to be done for her, so even if I cooked Christmas dinner and took it round to her, it wouldn't be good enough. The heating might have to be on, the lights etc and why should she be responsible for keeping us warm, after all she's a very poor pensioner who still has her first ha'penny, a lottery win, 2 widows pensions, and more money than a coo could shit. (And no, her money isn't an issue in all of this, she's told everyone that she's leaving it to the church .) In her mind, our childhood was idylic and now it's payback time. She is too old and frail to cook a big meal, even though she walks the beach for miles every day, goes to tai chi and even tried zumba!!! She's like an old fashioned matriach, without any good points.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 04-Dec-12 16:15:45

'more money than a coo could shit.' grin

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 16:15:53

Oops, posts not texts.

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Dec-12 16:18:46

Do any of your family who don't see her feel guilty? Or are they happy to know the onus is on you and they can relax? It's not fair for your dp or his son, spending his precious leave with you. He must want to relax, have a smoke in the garden if he wants, watch crap tv and eat and chat to his dad.

She seems to assume she is entitled to christmas at yours, I am assuming she e doesn't behave like this all year round?

The only real option is to go out or stay in a hotel? Can you afford that? Or why don't you ask a family member if you can come there instead? And tell your dm that's where you will be.

Otherwise brace yourself. Do a lovely dinner, don't let her moan or butt in, allow dp to control the remote and announce after lunch it's time for a walk and she can go home as you will be walking that way. You sound so nice, and it's a shame Christmas seems to be so difficult for you.

What about getting a karaoke machine for Christmas and all having to do a session over and over? That might worksmile she might leave in a panic or nek so much sherry she passes out..

theboutiquemummy Tue 04-Dec-12 16:30:21

Sorry lovely I'm running for the hills aaaaaaaaaaaagh grin actually tell her now then it's done n by the time Xmas comes round is tough titty x good luck may the force be with you wink

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 16:37:51

My mother once invited herself to mine for Christmas in August, so's I wouldn't have time to come up with an excuse.

Everything from August onwards hinged on her Royal Visit.

She came every other bloody year as well. Until I stopped it. And yes, it did involve siblings and a doorway.

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 16:41:13

Lavenderhoney, the rest of the family feel no guilt, they find it funny that I'm lumped with her. And yes unfortunately mum's like this all the year round, but somehow Christmas day seems to be worse than any other. She knows how I feel about her, but plays the martyr card. I moved across the country, she moved across too and lives just 2 mins from me. If she comes round and I'm not in she'll phone demanding to know where I am. Or if DP and I are having a lazy Sunday morning wink she'll bang on the window to be let in. We have to monitor her sherry intake at Christmas coz she starts rambling on about the fantastic upbringing we had even though I think she's getting muddled up between our life and an episode of the Waltons. Karaoke sounds fun, but mum might miss Songs of Praise, an Aled Jones documentry or Daniel O'Donnell in concert! We are of course lucky to be graced with her company and the out of date Christmas pudding that she brings every year, Am sure it's been the same 1 for about the last 5 years, she insists on taking it home still unopened, so she dictates what's on TV. I can feel myself getting wound up when she starts her nonsense, so arguing over the remote could just be the difference between an argument and matricide. No kidding! blush

BlissfullyIgnorant Tue 04-Dec-12 16:49:30

DH needs to understand you don't have anything like the DM he had. I had similar when DD was born - she practically moved in on the pretence of helping with housework, then she sat around cuddling DCs all day long, doing bugger all and I heard her telling my DSis "they buy all the food and pay the bills, so I buy the sweets for us all." I warned my DH but he flatly refused to believe me - he thought nobody could actually be that bad! Foolish person! Have you reminded him of Christmases past? Have you asked why he thinks nobody else talks to her?
Looks like your choices are;
Have a nice relaxing Christmas dinner in a lovely hotel/restaurant
Hire a short stay holiday cottage and go there
Hide behind the sofa
Put up with her ruining another Christmas
Swap your bedroom with your dining/sitting room for a few days so you don't have to hide behind the sofa, you'll be hiding upstairs instead
Lock all the doors and leave a sign on the door that says "yes, we are here, but we're not answering the door and you can't come in"

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 16:57:41

Yes Blissfully, DP used to say 'oh that'll be your mum', now it's 'oh FFS here's yer mother!' I think auld Cruella has worked her magic on him now too! [big grin]

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Tue 04-Dec-12 17:09:57

We have a similar situation with DP's sister. There's no way on earth I'm cooking for her or entertaining her Xmas day after last year and all the get togethers since.

I've put my foot down, DD is going to her dads for Xmas dinner, we are going out to a pub for Xmas lunch. That put her nose out of joint grin

Book a meal out OP. Fine if she invites herself. Stay for your Xmas lunch, then quietly fuck off and leave her in the pub.

justmuddlingalong, I get why you find it difficult to deal with your mother. But is it the same for your DP and his son? Could your DP just phone her up and tell her she's not welcome any more, and when if she turns up at the door his strapping big son could block the door and tell her to bugger off?

I realise that you will feel guilty about her being on her own, but you really have no reason to. Could you try and usurp it with guilt about ruining DP and his son's Christmas instead? grin

Icanhasnickname Tue 04-Dec-12 17:46:45

OP.....you are dreading it because deep down you have not really decided not to let it happen. Once you have an agreed, watertight action-plan then your stress will go. As it is, your mind is already preparing for the onslaught of this awfull woman as it has no real alternative. Yet!

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Dec-12 17:50:14

Moved across to be near you? Are you serious? Your dh must be a saintsmile

Just muddling, do you have a kitchen with a big table you can sit at? I strongly suggest you make it as comfy as possible with a tv, then there are 2 places to go.

What are you going to do? does dps son know she is coming? Has he got a girlfriend he can bring as well? Or is there a black sheep of the family to invite she doesn't like who is a bit of a laugh? Unplug the telly, say its broken...

Or invite the whole family to reconcile and meet at yours?

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 17:51:50

DP and DSS are just too damn nice for me to hide behind them, and she'd twist things blaming them for ruining her Christmas. Among her many issues, she's also a MH, so it would be right up her alley to try and use that as a way of causing bother between DP and me. She really is a poisonous old trout. I'm going to have to just bite the bullet and tell her that she'll have to spend Christmas and inflight her particular brand of Christmas misery with someone else this year. She's not going to ruin another Christmas for us. I'VE DECIDED!

Katisha Tue 04-Dec-12 17:53:58

Right. When are you telling her?

" she's also a MH"
What's an MH?

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 18:10:07

I'm going to tell her that we are having a quiet time, that I'll nip round on Christmas morning to deliver her parcels and have a cuppa. I'll tell her that we've never had a Christmas doing just what we want and that I'm sure she understands that. I'll tell her that I'm sure she has other places she could goconfused to enjoy herself. I will remain calm, I will ask her to not interrupt while I am saying these things and I will make sure she's got the message as she talks over the top of me, lays on the guilt thick and chants her 'what have I ever done to you?' mantra. When she pouts and does her wee pathetic cough, I'll offer to drop Christmas dinner off for her, I'll ignore her comments that she'll just have a sandwhich or something. I'll imagine all the days she's ruined and know that this year'll be just as bad unless I stand up to her. And I'll think about my siblings having a great time at Christmas, guilt free and I'll think that that's the kind of day I want.

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 18:14:05

MH, man hater, and this from the woman married twice and currently walking out with a gentleman ( and no she can't spend Christmas with him, coz he's lovely and is spending it with his family, who can't stick her either).

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