to question if I am a selfish b***h?(152 Posts)
I split up with my P four days ago. We have an 18 week old DS together. I finished the relationship for various reasons, mainly because he is quite immature and reliant. He is 31, doesn't own a house, I do. Rides about on a pushbike as he doesn't have a car, doesn't buy his own clothes, etc etc. I couldn't cope with his neediness now I am looking after my DS full time. He also had a nasty habit of calling me spiteful names, sometimes when I was holding my son. Nice!
I have been letting him come here to see his DS as he has moved into a house owned by his father that his brother rents - his brother lives a pretty wild lifestyle - gets drunk and takes cocaine regularly and has been in prison for fraud. The house is a bit of a tip.
He came here after his shift at work yesterday and he bathed DS and put him to bed. He then asked if we could talk. He asked if he could have DS tomorrow, fine I said. He then proceeded to lay on my sofa and start flicking through the channels on my telly, (I was watching Strictly Come Dancing so I wasn't best pleased!) I told him not to get too comfy, he wasn't going to worm his way in and end up staying the night.
He then asked if he could borrow MY car as he was too tired to bike home - he lives about 8 miles away - and he would bring it back the next day, that I wasn't likely to use the car as DS was in bed for the night. I said no, I put petrol in every week, tax, MOT and insure the the car and he puts nothing towards those costs. I said if he didn't want to bike home he should sacrifice a few luxuries like i do to have a car.
This did not go down well! He told me that I was being nasty, a selfish bitch and trying really hard to make things difficult for him, so forth and so forth, blah blah blah. I didn't think I was.
So just canvassing opinion really. Should i have let him use my car?
No ywbu, but I feel slightly stung that you think he's not good enough as he doesn't own a house or car, I don't own my home and I'm 30, does that make me somewhat unworthy?
Reading (perhaps too much) into your post, I get the impression that you're feeling like the grown up in the relationship?
It's ok not to have car / house etc but in a family dynamic, I'd agree that has to be joint decision & all other responsibility should be equal.
It's your TV, your car & your house - hold your nerve, you are doing great. Congrats on DS, 18 weeks is a scrummy age
you sound like the grown up! keep doing what you are doing.
loopy I'm guessing but the way I read it was that he has the means to have a car but never bothered!
If he doesn't want a car: ok. If he won't get a car and then calls OP a name because he wants to use her car: not ok!
They're not in a relationship therefore he can't just use her stuff and expect her to be ok with it. He bikes everywhere so why this should have been any different is beyond me. I suspect he just wanted to exert some control and then got pissy when OP wouldn't play along.
Sorry if I have come across as smug, I certainly don't think I am superior just because I have a house and a car. I know a lot of people don't own homes or cars but would love to be in a position to and some people prefer to rent and walk everywhere! however ex P has a good job and could well afford to but chooses not to as he lived in my house and drove my car, he had no need to. For what it's worth I drive a crappy R reg and live in an ex LA bungalow but I love it!!!!
Yes, I got treated like a mug, I know that now. I didn't see that until -unfortunately - we had our child together: I started mixing with other mums and they talked about how supportive, loving and helpful their partners were. I realised that my ex P, although a good dad, was not a great P. His views on how a woman should behave (traditional housewife role, which some people like but not for me, I want to go back to work) in his eyes only really emerged whilst I was pregnant.
There are a lot of reasons why we broke up, far to personal to go in to on here but I personally feel very justified in breaking up with him and am not bothered if other people think I am or not. I just wanted peoples' opinions as to whether I should have lent him my car or not!
I now actually feel really positive about the future (I thought that you were supposed to be sad when you broke up with someone but I feel excited about mine and my DS life!)
Thank you for all your kind words, I feel like I have a network of support available to me 24/7 (only joined mn today) to guide me through the challenge of raising my DS as a lone parent.
Oh and please stop calling each other Twats n Cunts or I will have to get Harry Hill involved:
Is so and so a twat?
Is so and so a cunt?
There is only one way to find out...........FIGHT!!
Oh GnTwiv that post made you sound like a real twatty cunt
Oh stop being such a cunty twat!
YABU for liking Harry Hill!
So to summarise.
Your partner isnt a deadbeat anymore as he actually has a good job. You just didnt like loaning your car (even though you were a family unit) and after bearing a child with him, you now view him as a sexist for his 'traditional' views.
Anything else you want to throw into the mix to get the manhaters frothing and to help feel better about the whole sorry situation?
I'm sure you had perfectly valid reasons for splitting him up from his DS, because it would be unforgivable to have done it for something frivolous and self centered. I just hope you positiive feelings for the future include your DS seeing his father regularly.
allgoing is it any business of yours why she split up with exp?
Allgoing - definitely going to make sure he is a massive feature in DS life if he wants to be.
Do you need a hug? you seem really angry.
OP felt that ex was relying on her house and car, expected her to be a "traditional' house wife, and despite ex having a good job, he was behaving more like a dependent teenager.
When baby came along, OP realised that she didn't want to live with two "babies" and ended the relationship.
Ex came round and felt that he should be "rewarded" for interacting his own child by getting to flick through the channels and use her car.
Posted too early,
These are your only two posts allgoingtoshitnow, perhaps you need to explore other people's views of this situation. AT least consider why it looks the way it does to most of the posters on this thread?
"Do you need a hug?"
Allgoing,considering the OP facilitated an access visit at her own home when she had very recently split from the father,I think we can assume she is trying to be as reasonable regarding his involvement in the child's as possible.
What she doesn't have to even attempt to do is provide 'comfier' transport for her ex- boyfriends journey home.
He's a grown man,he had the ability to order a taxi home if he wished.Instead he chose to react in an indulgently entitled way to the OP's refusal to hand over her car to him.
Allgoing, whether they were a family unit or not, they are not one now, so the OP is perfectly reasonable to not lend this man her car!
And why do you need to get the OP to justify her reason's for leaving. You are sounding very anti women, rather than the OP sounding like a man hater.
I think allgoin is a man. Who hates women.
let alone a man allgoing, are you my ex!!
Waltermitty- I wanted to post the biscuit emoticon but am on my damned netbook which doesn't have the brackets too.
Can someone please offer allgoing a biscuit please!!!
You are not obliged to give/loan him anything and from the way he behaves I would have said no too.
He's adult and needs to pull himself toghether.
How long are you going to let him come to your home and visit Dd? What happens when you move on and the new bloke could be there?
I think it's time to make plans about where the visits will take place. If he continues to be rude to you and his place isn't a suitable visiting place for his child then maybe look into visiting centers, or have him visit Dd at his Mums or other family home. Coming into you home isn't going to work in the long run.
Ooh walter 3 biscuits, 3 times as patronising, thank you!
Seems like all has disappeared now though. Probably gone to watch the episodes of Jeremy Kyle that she/he series linked so she can tut very loudly at the 'sorry situations' and make herself feel smug!!
On a serious note saw ex P today after he took DS over to his mums for the day. We agreed that this will be the solution (him taking DS over to his mums) until he gets a permanent roof over his head.
Welcome to MN! I think you will be a valuable addition to the Nest of Vipers <leans back in black leather chair, strokes white Persian cat with diamanté collar...>
One thing, what do we call you? GnTwivslicenice has taken me some time to figure out, I thought it was something about lice being nice at first!
Might be worth going back to your registration and changing to GnTwithSliceAndIce? It's very easy to do.
And personally, I can't STAND Strictly, but I will defend unto the death your right to watch it
Good solution, ds and his father spending time together at his mum's. Means your ds gets granny time too?
Thanks for the welcome imperial.
I like nests of vipers and I also like being nice to lice, they are all gods creatures after all!!
I prefer gin though, so will go and change my username - when I can be arsed - to reflect this.
Anyway, you can all feck off and argue amongst yourselves on AIBU bords because I am now going to ignore my 18 week old whilst I watch x-factor results (only joking, please dont report me to SS, he is safely tucked up in bed)!! God I hope Chris Baloney goes tonight!!!
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