AIBU - DS seems to think I am!(121 Posts)
My DS is driving me mad
He's 15 and he used to be my closest friend, but recently he's changed, and won't listen to me anymore
He has got it into his head that he wants to go to College next year - but he wants to go to a college that runs a watersports course, and he'd have to live there in a room during the week because it's so far away.
He's been into watersports as a hobby since he was little, I've driven him everywhere at weekends and he's missed class time for school competitions, but he's not going to be an Olympic champion, so I don't understand why he's got this idea in his head that he can make a job of it. The teachers at school and his clubs aren't helping, they have told him that this particular college is a great place, and that he'd really enjoy it, it's a good idea and have told me how proud I should be of him . I took him to the open day there in the hope it would put him off, but he still wants to go! But he's too young to leave home and live with loads of other teenagers; he can't cook (he's not messing up my kitchen!) I do all his laundry and I buy him everything he needs so he's never had to manage money - how will he cope away from home?
I've told him that he will be going to local 6th form and after a year, we can talk about it again - but I'm hoping that he gets a steady girlfriend or gets a job, so he doesn't want to move. Now he says that wants me to go and look at the 6th form with him at the open day next week, but whats the point? Its the only one locally, so that's where he has to go.
My exH isn't helping - he's told DS that he should "follow his dreams" if that is what he wants to do . He took DS to open a bank account and is offering him money to do odd jobs and for helping out in his GF business, he's telling DS how well he's doing at school and he's even told DS that once he's 16, he can choose where he wants to live He took me to court to see the DC's ages ago, but the Court said that they should live with me and DS decided that he didn't want to see exH anymore after he moved his new GF in. exH kept on harassing DS, writing to him, going to school parents evenings, sending presents and he has wheedled his way back into DS life now with all this talk of going to college, and DS believes it! Ex keeps asking when me, DS and him can sit down and discuss it - but I can't stand the sight of the man, and it's nothing to do with him, anyway.
Now my Mum's getting on at me too - she has to look after the DC's while I work, and she moans about not having any free time - but now DS is nearly old enough to look after his younger DBro, my Mum is saying I should let DS move out!
How can I talk sense into my DS? He just won't listen to me at the moment; I've tried yelling at him, bribing him, crying and telling him how much I will miss him, but he's obsessed and no-one except me is being realistic
It is a relief that no one could actually write it and expect agreement!
Your poor mum. I would definitely ask my nephew to stay and stealth-teach him life skills!
If you stop your son from trying things he will never learn to achieve by himself, people are right he has obv got a dream and should follow it! You will push your son away more if you make it him do what you want. He is becoming a young adult and should be allowed to make his own career path otherwise he will blame you for deciding for him in the future! Ten twenty years down the line your relationship with him will be gone trust me. I've seen it happen.
I understand that you want the best for him and the relationship between the two of you was strong and it still will be if you stop controlling his education, advise him, guide him and he will listen don't nag and control it makes it ten times worse.
Hope it all works out.
I'm sorry I've upset people - I honestly didn't mean to, but my DSis seems so adamant that she's right that I thought that the MN jury would agree with her and put me straight for being so infuriated with her. She really has sent me the comments about keeping the kitchen clean, bribing DN/crying about it etc in an effort to gain my sympathy - I'm sure she wouldn't post them on here, but she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with how she is coming across.
DM is disabled so doesn't cook/do housework etc, she's just there as an adult in the house overnight when DSis works shifts. It's one of the reasons DSis and I have fallen out in the past, because I think she asks DM to do too much for her; some weeks DM spends 3 or 4 nights staying at DSis house, even though the stairs are difficult for her and she hasn't got her own room/bed. I've given up on that one though, so has my DBro; DM won't upset DSis, and avoids talking about it to me now.
I like the idea of inviting DN to stay with me - I might try that as an approach to start with.
FFS. I don't very often say FFS on here, but I'll say it again - FFS. If you want to put something on AIBU do it from YOUR perspective, not somebody elses. You portrayed her as though she's some sort of bloody pantomime villain with absolutely no redeeming features.
It wastes our time, and the only way it benefits you is that you get everybody to agree that your sister is a cow.
colleges specialising in watersports - who knew?
What Holemeclosertonydanza said.
Sums it up perfectly.
Op, youve so overdone the my-sister-the-loon angle that its very hard to believe its as black and white as you present it.
You say there is history there, so your sister is someone you dont like...obviously. Id be interested to hear her take on it.
Anyway, ifit is as you say, then there has been plenty of advice...
Just realised this is about your sister - don't know why you didn't just say that, because all you've had advice-wise is a load of people saying 'reverse AIBU' which is a waste of time!
Can't you ask your mother to teach your nephew how to cook/manage a budget etc while she is looking after him? If the boys can muck in and cook/do their laundry etc then things will be easier on Granny as well.
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What do you actually want from us?
From what you've posted, yeah, your sister is completely U.
But you haven't given us a very fair account of things.
Reverse AIBUs are so fucking stupid because you can't actually put yourself in the shoes of someone who is being U. So you just give us a caricature that, sure enough, we all think is a loon.
But WHY do it in reverse?
Ah I've just seen its a reverse. To be honest your sis doesnt sound like a very nice person...totally selfish and it all seems to be about what she wants and not whats best for your DN....thank God he has his Dad supporting him
though it sounds like sis has done all she can to thwart that relationship
Been following this in free moments, so pleased to find it's a reverse, as I suspected. I was reading the op thinking, no-one could be that self-absorbed and then admit to it on here.
Auntie, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you should do whatever you can to help the boy. I hope you can help him sooner rather than later, after his relationship with his mother has gone completely down the pan.
YABU. I don't think you have his best interests at heart if the only reason you don't want him to leave is that he is to look after your younger children. You should show an interest in the course he wants to take and find out more about it rather than dismissing it completely.
Chandon its a reverse AIBU posted by boy's aunt
oh, did not read that indeed it IS reverse AIBu.
Hate those, it is like you don't trust us
something weird about the OP, cannot put my finger on it.
Has this been posted by the child perchance?
Something's up, just tell us! Interesting dilemma.
Oh it a reverse well i don't think you should support your sister is she really that controlling of her children and your mum I do hope your nephew manages to go on his course seems the lad needs a bit of breathing space,
FWIW my mil could have been your sister she was awful with both her sons and insisted that because she was a single parent they owed her everything we did work it out in the end but i know my DH had a terrible teen years with her and he left home , his brother moved hundreds of miles away from her
Why do people do reverse AIBU's fairly new, and haven't seen one before,but why don't people just come on and say, is my sister being unreasonable surely?? Then you wouldn't get 3 pages of folk going 'what? eh? reverse AIBU'!!
yes OP YABU
I suggest you teach him to cook
and mess up your kitchen and do laundry and manage money etc
given that these are essential life skills and up to parents to teach
what a bit of luck he had a dad who cares for him in his life, sounds like he needs him, and great person to be involved in his life!
I'm sorry but you ABU. You should be proud of him and encouraging him. Also you need to tell him to do his own washing.
Oh..........just seen it's a reverse AIBU.
Why can your 15 year old not cook or do laundry? These are important life skills.
You should be encouraging him in his ambitions
Let go. I am sure it is very difficult to do but you really need to.
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