AIBU - DS seems to think I am!

(121 Posts)
HappyHome14 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:26:30

My DS is driving me mad angry

He's 15 and he used to be my closest friend, but recently he's changed, and won't listen to me anymore angry

He has got it into his head that he wants to go to College next year - but he wants to go to a college that runs a watersports course, and he'd have to live there in a room during the week because it's so far away.

He's been into watersports as a hobby since he was little, I've driven him everywhere at weekends and he's missed class time for school competitions, but he's not going to be an Olympic champion, so I don't understand why he's got this idea in his head that he can make a job of it. The teachers at school and his clubs aren't helping, they have told him that this particular college is a great place, and that he'd really enjoy it, it's a good idea and have told me how proud I should be of him confused. I took him to the open day there in the hope it would put him off, but he still wants to go! But he's too young to leave home and live with loads of other teenagers; he can't cook (he's not messing up my kitchen!) I do all his laundry and I buy him everything he needs so he's never had to manage money - how will he cope away from home?

I've told him that he will be going to local 6th form and after a year, we can talk about it again - but I'm hoping that he gets a steady girlfriend or gets a job, so he doesn't want to move. Now he says that wants me to go and look at the 6th form with him at the open day next week, but whats the point? Its the only one locally, so that's where he has to go.

My exH isn't helping - he's told DS that he should "follow his dreams" if that is what he wants to do angry. He took DS to open a bank account and is offering him money to do odd jobs and for helping out in his GF business, he's telling DS how well he's doing at school and he's even told DS that once he's 16, he can choose where he wants to live angry He took me to court to see the DC's ages ago, but the Court said that they should live with me and DS decided that he didn't want to see exH anymore after he moved his new GF in. exH kept on harassing DS, writing to him, going to school parents evenings, sending presents and he has wheedled his way back into DS life now with all this talk of going to college, and DS believes it! Ex keeps asking when me, DS and him can sit down and discuss it - but I can't stand the sight of the man, and it's nothing to do with him, anyway.

Now my Mum's getting on at me too - she has to look after the DC's while I work, and she moans about not having any free time - but now DS is nearly old enough to look after his younger DBro, my Mum is saying I should let DS move out!

How can I talk sense into my DS? He just won't listen to me at the moment; I've tried yelling at him, bribing him, crying and telling him how much I will miss him, but he's obsessed and no-one except me is being realistic angry

DawnOfTheDee Thu 29-Nov-12 10:30:13

You don't have to be at 'olympic level' to be able to make a career of something.

I think it sounds great that your DS has a firm idea of what he wants to do and has found a college that will let him to that.

Ime 16 is quite young to move out but it's possible, especially as he is so driven.

Could you consider the college but say to your DS he has to prove to you he's responsible enough to do it? ie. learn to cook, do laundry, etc.

Felicitywascold Thu 29-Nov-12 10:32:33

1. What college is it? Is it boarding or real 'independent' living.

2. how does DS think this will be funded?

3. Of course you should go to the open day with him. What an odd attitude to not.

StripyShoes Thu 29-Nov-12 10:33:06

How about being proud of your son having vision, ambition and drive? He May not make loads of money (or he might, I don't know the industry), but he will be doing a career that he loves, which is worth a whole lot more happiness.

Why ate you so against him going into water sports?

charlmarascoxo Thu 29-Nov-12 10:33:08

Is this a serious post? if so - YABU!!!

Your poor son. Wouldn't you rather he do something he loves rather than go to local sixth form just because you can't deal with him moving out.
He even offers for you to go look around sixth form with you and you just dismiss it?!

Btw it has everything to do with your dh because guess what he's his father.

DowntonTrout Thu 29-Nov-12 10:34:03

Oh dear. You sound a bit controlling.

And you want him at home so he can look after your younger DCs? I'm not sure it is you that is being realistic. Surely you should be supporting him in his education, not putting barriers in the way of why he can't do it?

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valiumredhead Thu 29-Nov-12 10:36:01

How will he learn to fend for himself if he's not given the chance?

I left home and had my own place and worked at 16 - perfectly manageable.

mollymole Thu 29-Nov-12 10:38:03

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Mrsjay Thu 29-Nov-12 10:38:19

least your son knows what he wants to do of course he can make a career out of water sports he could go all over the world teaching your son isn't your mate I know you are upset but he is your son and not your friend he is changing because he is developing into a young man and a sensible one at that, many 15 yr olds wont find their passion for another few years my dd didnt until she was 17, go to the open day with him encourage him and be happy for him,

gloomywinters2 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:38:23

he,s sounds like he really wants to do it if you don,t let him he may resent you for it it,s good he,s found somthing he really wants to do be proud and support him.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Nov-12 10:39:06

Have you actually let him cook, iron etc? I'm sure that he is quite capable if left to get on with it.
Why is your mother giving up free time to look after DCs when a 16 yr old can manage his brother? He is old enough to get married-join the army!
It is pointless sending someone to do A'levels if they don't want to be there.
It seems odd that his teachers and club leaders are all for it if it is such a bad idea.
I would stop the emotional blackmail-it will drive him away. You shouldn't be his closest friend-you are his mother!
and no-one except me is being realistic

I am very surprised if all his teachers are not being realistic.
Sit down and talk to him about his future and his wishes-and leave your own out of it.

witchface Thu 29-Nov-12 10:39:24

I think reverse aibu from exh

Mrsjay Thu 29-Nov-12 10:40:25

you want to keep your son home to babysit his siblings you dont let him mess up your kitchen hmm your son will manage when he moves out of course he will manage .

you're proud of the fact that at nearly 16 he can't cook because you won't let him mess up your kitchen? Really? I'd be embarrassed if my nearly 16yo couldn't plan, cook and clear up from a whole meal.

And not even starting with his dad "harrassing" him by being interested in his life and sorting out contact confused

I hope to goodness this isn't a serious post, as i feel sorry for your DC if it is.

DeckSwabber Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:19

hmm

WileyRoadRunner Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:40

YABU.

I feel really sorry for your DS. How unsupportive are you! You can't even be arsed to go and look at the local 6th form with him. You accuse your ex husband of harassing him by going to parents evenings confused.

Tbh I wouldn't b surprised if he's out the door and living elsewhere as soon as he can. You sound very controlling and that you want him to give up his own dreams and chance of independence to please you.

Frankly OP you sound awful, cannot believe a mother is so obviously unsupportive of her child. You should be proud he has a relationship with his father, and that he wants to make something of his life. Instead you seem disappointed.

messtins Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:53

YABU. If he has not had any learned the lifeskills to live (reasonably) independently at 16 then you have failed to teach him and it's about time he learned some. His DF has every right to have some input into his decisions at this point if DS wants to listen to him - he probably craves input from a male role model. Whatever the history between you two it sounds like at the moment he is trying to be a good father.
Your DS sounds very mature, being prepared to consider your preferred option as well as his, and you won't support him by going to look round? confused I would imagine at 16 there are actually lots of options for further education or training that he could consider, but he seems to have a strong drive to follow his passion and do the watersports.
It sounds like everyone else in his life who cares about his future thinks it's a good idea apart from you. Maybe you need to take a step back, take your feelings about him leaving out of the equation and look at what's in it for him.
Do you want him to give in, do what you want and then resent you?

ATailOfTwoKitties Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:59

Yep, another vote here for reverse AIBU. Are you the ex?

PickledInAPearTree Thu 29-Nov-12 10:42:32

No way! Got to be reverse.

hmm
Taking this at face value.

It is your job as a parent to facilitate your children developing into who they want to be not into your ideal of what they should be. Why are you not teaching your son the skills necessary to live as an independent person?

MyDaydream Thu 29-Nov-12 10:43:00

My aunt went away to live at college at that age to study her specialist interest. She was never going to be an Olympic champion either but she did work in that area after she left. It also taught her independence, gave her confidence and she's done really well for herself.
Your argument on cooking, looking after himself and financial planning will be the same whatever age if you don't start making him do these things. So what if he messes up your kitchen, make him clean it because he won't learn otherwise. Or you'll end up with a fully grown man living in your house who's incapable of doing anything because you never let him or showed him how these things are done.
Maybe the local 6th form isn't best for him, and forcing him somewhere he doesn't want to go could just mean he doesn't try, leaves and then you have him round the house all day doing nothing.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Nov-12 10:43:02

But he's too young to leave home and live with loads of other teenagers; he can't cook (he's not messing up my kitchen!) I do all his laundry and I buy him everything he needs so he's never had to manage money - how will he cope away from home?

I'm not surprised that he wants to go as soon as possible. How can you possibly think it is good for a 15 yr old to have everything done for him? confused

I think that you need to get out, make your own life and stop relying on DS.

ChocolateCoins Thu 29-Nov-12 10:43:14

Sounds like he's getting support from everyone else so he's probably going to go ahead and do what he wants. So why not just support him, help him and be proud that he actually has ambition!

You are actually ridiculous for not going to see the local sixth form with him. Sounds like you're the child not him.

Why not teach him how to cook basics and how to wash his own clothes so that he will be able to look after himself when he goes? Because it sounds like he will go. With or without your support.

Good luck to your DS.

exexpat Thu 29-Nov-12 10:43:32

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