to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

(489 Posts)
snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 20:39:28

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 22:18:55

He had an STI check after a condom failed a few years ago. He doesn't have them regularly. The sex with the prostitute was safe sex.

The thing is, I am really conflicted about this. I look on mn fairly often, I am aware of red flags, have not seen any up to now (apart from this obvs), he is a really dedicated father, very kind, generous, fair, reasonable, calm etc. I have seen him in very stressful situations (car broken down etc) and he hasn't been angry or anything.

The reason that I am conflicted is that everything else has been great. No arguments, we spend 2/3 days a week together, talk everyday. He is not perfect in a scarily unrealistic way, he has the very occasional grumble and is very normal in that respect. I believe him to be genuine and sincere, he has lots of friends, a great relationship with his family.

We get on really well, have loads in common, make each other laugh, talk for hours, really enjoy each other's company...

...and he fucked a prostitute 24 years ago. confused

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:20:03

Your choice.

snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 22:22:10

I know I don't owe him anything , whether that be a second chance, a relationship etc.

I'm talking generally about forgiveness and second chances in life. Does a mistake 24 yrs ago define a person? Can people change?

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:22:17

Think of it like this, love

I suppose there are some women that are able to stay in relationships with men that have used prostitutes. Are you one of them ? Did you think you ever would settle for that ?

there are lots of men that don't lose their temper when the car breaks down, that are pleasant family men. You could find one that hadn't used prostitutes...there are plenty of them

ilovesooty Wed 28-Nov-12 22:24:11

I don't think this should be about what a load of people on Mumsnet think. You know him and it's for you to decide if the man he is now is more important than the man who did this before you met him. If you, not anyone else, can't move on from the revelation, you say goodbye. If the man he is now is someone you can see yourself with long term, you continue the relationship.

Good luck with making the decision.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 28-Nov-12 22:24:34

What AF said.

Ultimately, it is up to you. You might be able to live with this. The shock may wear off and you may realise that the relationship is worth more than the weight of your DP's past.

Some women, like me, couldn't deal with that.

It is up to you. No-one can give you answers.

Bogeyface Wed 28-Nov-12 22:25:02

My sisters husband did this when he was in the army. They all did it and he freely admits that he did it because he would have felt like an idiot if he hadnt. It took my sister a long time to get her head around it, as it was years before they got together, so she wasnt sure that she had the right to be upset.

But as she said, it meant that he wasnt the person she thought he was, but eventually came to realise that that might have been him then, but it isnt him now. He has never given her any reason to doubt him, they are truly, vomit inducingly, devoted after 16 years of marriage and 20 years of being together.

He was a different person then, in 24 years he has grown up, become a father, had long term relationships and changed. Are you the same person you were 24 years ago?

I would be inclined to try and let this go. I am not a fan of any man who uses prostitutes but there is a world of difference between a mistake made when young, to be being a habitual buyer of womens bodies. He is ashamed and embarrassed, and I think that you should give him a chance.

mamalovesmojitos Wed 28-Nov-12 22:26:21

It's up to you. You dont owe him anything so go with your gut. It would be a deal breaker for me but life's not always black and white.

Bogeyface Wed 28-Nov-12 22:28:20

Why the assumption that he is a women hating bastard?

He used a prostitute once, many years ago when young and stupid. He has had 24 in which to carry on using them, and he hasnt done it. Why? Because he doesnt want to.

My BIL said it was the single worst sexual experience of his life, and he would rather spend the rest of his life celibate than do it again. He isnt a hater user or abuser of women, he adores my sister and that incident is a huge regret for him.

People make mistakes, it doesnt define them for the rest of their lives, as long as they learn from those mistakes and it sounds like the OPs OH has done just that.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:29:11

OP, you can't generalise it though, can you ?

You know what you know. To widen out the question to "can people change" is to rationalise it.

Of course people can chage...but you and he can't change what he did

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:32:14

Bogey...who said he was "a woman hating bastard" ?

he has been called what he is on this thread...a man that has paid a woman to fuck her, a user of prostitutes. For me, that is all I would need to know. I don't need to call him a woman-hating bastard, because it is implicit for me...but not for everyone

What I see here, though, is a woman trying very hard to over-ride her natural instinct. I wouldn't ever encourage that...no matter what the instigating factor was.

It comes down to what you can live with.

But

I do think there is a conversation to be had with him if it was a one off and he is still thoroughly ashamed. I'm not sure I could get past it, but I think that a drunken mistake/goaded by friends kind of encounter is not the same as someone who regularly uses sex workers.

What were the circumstances? How does he feel about prostitution in general? Would he, for example, think it ok to go to a lapdancing club? What is his general attitude to women?

I understand that you are conflicted and whilst my gut instinct is 'dump' - I do think that if it was a one off 24 years ago, it might be worth talking about with him so you can make a decision as to whether the person you are with has the same morals as the man he was 24 years ago.

FollowingTheTao Wed 28-Nov-12 22:38:19

FGS, you should never judge one person on ONE action, especially when it was such a long time ago.
You should judge a person by how they behave NOW. You should look at them as a whole person and as a person who isn't perfect and who will have done some mistakes in the past.
Just as everyone else

OP your bf is ashamed of it. Does it not tell you enough about him? Don't you think that the fact he has changed from seeing a prostitute once to being ashamed of it is actually telling you more about him than the fact he made a mistake all those years ago? Starting with the fact he is able to self critical and change? Isn't that what we are all told to do, that as we go along in life, we are changing and growing up. That mistakes are there to teach us something that it is the teaching and the fat that we have learnt that is important? Or are we all supposed to lower our heads in shame to all the stupid and shameful things we have done in the past?

Can you not think yourself of some very shameful things you have done yourself 24 years ago? Or even 10 years ago?

because I know that in all that time, I have done a hell of a growing up. And I hope I will continue to do so for the next 24 years. And I also hope that people will judge me on who I have become rather than on who I was at that time.

Bogeyface Wed 28-Nov-12 22:39:58

No one said it but it has been implied.

He was young, it was a very long time ago and he clearly regrets it. I just dont think that you can lump him in with men that do this regularly and with no regard for the women they buy. If this was yesterday, or last week, or last year then I wouldnt be saying what I did.

But he was a different person then, as was my BIL. As I said, he has had 24 years to repeat the experience and has chosen not to. That says to me that he didnt like it, doesnt want to do it again and has learned from his mistake. I refuse to condemn someone on one mistake made in the inexperience of youth.

I usually agree with you AF, as you know smile but today I feel that this is not black and white.

24 years is such a long time, none of use are the people we were 24 years ago, and for that I am glad as I was a fucking idiot in my early 20's grin I am now a respectable (ish) mother of 6 with her own home and business. I am no longer the selfish thoughtless moron I was then. I am sure he has changed too, and I just think that he should be given a chance to prove that if the OP is happy with him in every other way.

FollowingTheTao Wed 28-Nov-12 22:41:21

AF I am shock by your attitude on this thread.

You are one of the people who are shouting LTB and 'He is a women hater' whilst refusing to recognize that thankfully people change.

If this guy had been a regular user of prostitute. If this was the case now. If he had shown no remorse whatsoever for what he did, you would have had a point.
But this is NOT the case here

LineRunner Wed 28-Nov-12 22:42:15

I think this really is a chance for the OP to withdraw sadly from a new relationship, because she is unhappy with this. None of it is her fault.

FollowingTheTao Wed 28-Nov-12 22:42:25

xpost.
We seem to be saying the same bogey.

Bogeyface Wed 28-Nov-12 22:43:34

Almost word for word Following!

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:44:36

tao please quote where I am "shouting LTB" and "he is a woman hater"

or at least address your complaints about my opinion (which has been sought by the OP) to all the other women on this thread that share them hmm

bogey, we don't have to agree about everything

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:44:59

that share it

xkittyx Wed 28-Nov-12 22:45:57

If a friend of mine had done this 24 years ago, and regretted it, no I wouldn't define them by it and I'd try not to judge. Yes people can and do change.
But, I'd never be in a relationship with someone that had paid for sex. My choice. I don't owe anyone a relationship, and nor, after 8 months, does the OP owe her partner her relationship.
She is perfectly entitled to break up with him for any reason, or, indeed, no reason at all.

winterhill Wed 28-Nov-12 22:46:24

I did some shocking things a 1/4 of a century ago.
I have grown up, my attitude has changed and if I could have my time again I wouldn't have made the choices I did. It was down to immaturity on behalf, peer pressure and being daft.

With my eyes now looking at the past I realise how stupid I was.
It would be awful if all my friends and family judged me and walked away from me because of stupidity to how I am now.

DrRanj Wed 28-Nov-12 22:47:26

I don't think this one act is a true reflection of who he is or was, now or back then.

He was on a lads holiday. He probably felt really pressured into it. If it was 24 years ago he must have been pretty young unless he is 70. If you had told me he used to go on regular sex holidays to Thailand that would be a bit different of course.

I engaged in sexual activity when I was younger because of peer pressure. Admittedly I wasn't doing it with prostitutes, but I reckon your dp may have been equally as terrified, and maybe he didn't fully understand the implications of his actions?

I am 30 now and it has only been over the last few years that I have come to realise that women in the sex industry are being abused and exploited, I naively probably used to think they were in it of their own free will and choice.

Why not start a conversation on the sex industry in general and gauge his response and take it from there? Otherwise you are only speculating as to what his values are now.

FollowingTheTao Wed 28-Nov-12 22:48:12

I do share that opinion on all the women on this thread that say that she should consider this guy to be a women hater.
You said so
I don't need to call him a woman-hating bastard, because it is implicit for me.

And whilst what has been done can not be undone, it is crazy to refuse to see that people do change and that they can change for the best.

Unsless you think that people are either good or bad, black and white idea of the world. Which I didn't think you had.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 22:48:37

winter...no-one is advocating that all of this bloke's friends and family walk away from him

op asked opinions on whether she is BU for ending a fledgling sexual relationship upon the revelation of this information

some people think she would NBU to do that

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