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to think that my friend shouldn't just let her 1yr old scream in public

(109 Posts)
fexedmamma Wed 28-Nov-12 16:45:57

he's always been a loud baby. He screams a lot (although only in public). It's not screams of anger or upset. It's more like screaming for screaming's sake. My friend just sits there whilst everyone around whinces in pain (it's an ear-piercing pitch). This happens is resturaunts and libraries. I find it very stressful and unpleasant. Worse still, my kids (who aren't screamers) start to copy.

I think that while you cannot necessarily stop a one-year-old from screaming, you should remove said screaming one-year-old from public areas in which people expect a quietish environment, e.g. the library, most restaurants/cafes.

fexedmamma Fri 30-Nov-12 21:54:06

"Maybe the friend came to the cafe to visit and see the OP so then felt it would be rude to leave straight away cause the baby is screaming?"

She just sits there and smiles. She doesn't even try to distract him.

"Also, I've no clear idea of what level of screaminess we're on about here."

I'm talking full-on, ear-piercing, painful excited screaming. Normally I put on a brave face when a friend's child is acting up, but even I can't act my way out of this one. My discomfort (and everyone elses) is plain to see because the scream is so loud, that you physically reach for your ears out of instinct.

hazeyjane Fri 30-Nov-12 13:51:59

Some children with learning disabilities, physical disabilities and/or sensory impairments are 'screamers', and can't be 'stopped'. I assume the OP knows her friend well enough to be sure that this isn't the case with this DC. But it's worth considering the possibility if/when you see an unknown child screaming in a supermarket.

Yes to this^^!

fexedmamma Fri 30-Nov-12 13:39:03

"I believe OP is exaggerating"

I'm really not. And tbh I'm re-evaluating whether or not to go out with her again, at least without anyone else there to share the endurance.

egusta Thu 29-Nov-12 19:51:42

thank you! This might change my social life quite considerably! (and reduce the stress of going out... )

egusta - you can get portable naughty spots - check eg eBay.

You can try threatening to ask staff where the naughty step is. Some will catch on and oblige. We use "by the front door" which translates nearly everywhere!

ellee Thu 29-Nov-12 16:17:42

Maybe the friend came to the cafe to visit and see the OP so then felt it would be rude to leave straight away cause the baby is screaming?

Also, I've no clear idea of what level of screaminess we're on about here. An all out screaming baby would have to be taken out and calmed down somewhere but maybe he's just a bit shouty on and off? I've certainly stayed in that situation, esp if I'd made special arrangements to see a pal and get out of the damn house. Would always have had a pile of items for distraction though from bottle/soother to books/toys. Find it hard to believe someone would stay where a baby was totally hystercial and could not be calmed down?

Sorry, it's just "screaming" to me says hysterical type crying, might be wrong???

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 16:03:15

Yes a library is a place all people can go if they observe the keeping quiet rule. You cannot go there if you intend to have a loud mobile phone conversation or practice the violin or whatever. Likewise,if you have a loud screechy baby then you should not go there either. It's called having a bit of consideration for other people. Just because a place is public, it doesn't mean anything goes.

egusta Thu 29-Nov-12 16:00:22

I have a screamer too. (He is 2.5). I also naughtystep him- stops him at home, but he is msart enough to realise that when were are out that there IS no naughty step.

I aso get a bit sick of the tut tuts and the judgy stuff. Am doing my best here guys....

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Thu 29-Nov-12 15:43:14

Thing is, with public places they are public no, you shouldn't make excessive noise in a library,but it happens, because it's a place all people can go. I don't like tramps sitting in their own piss on the tube,stinking, but hey! it's public transport.

That being said, I wouldn't put myself through taking a screamer to a library! A place to eat probably, as they may be distracted by the food, but nowhere posh (does anyone take a one year old to posh restaurants??)

If you can't handle it Op and I can understand that, maybe just meet at the park? Or round each others houses?

KittyFane1 Thu 29-Nov-12 15:26:28

YANBU OP. She should at least take her DC out of the cafe or wherever you are. Sitting there smiling is not exactly proactive.

HearMyRoar Thu 29-Nov-12 14:32:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I think just leaving your dc to scream in a restaurant is just plain rude and inconsiderate. Personally I would not be impressed if on one of my few child free trips out for a meal I had to sit there with someones child screaming in my ear. DD is 8 months and if she starts screaming or more often ear splitting squeals of excitement I try and distract. If that doesn't work I remove her even if that means I pack up, pay and leave. Yup, that does mean I have left a fair few cakes half eaten but that's my own darn fault for having a baby.

Ooh my 10month old adores shrieking round Sainsburys. Could you judge me too!

Fakebook Thu 29-Nov-12 14:25:46

sad. My 10 month old has an ear piercing shrill scream. If he gets excited, he'll do it and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can't put my hand over his mouth. I can remove him from the place, but it's a hassle.

Unless you have a cure to this problem or any good ideas about how to stop a baby from screaming, YABU.

(I KNEW I was being judged by someone for his shrill screams...)

mintymellons Thu 29-Nov-12 14:10:25

It is annoying, I agree, to hear other people's DC screaming. Neither of my two DDs did it.

Having said that, I can imagine that if your child is a screamer, making them stop might be quite a challenge. On the other hand, you should at least try shut them up. It sounds like you're fed up that your friend just lets her little one scream without trying to deal with it. YANBU about that.

We did stop going to cafes/restaurants with DS for a good 18 months (other than to pop in for a very quick drink). It's really not the end of the world, we never felt confined to our home. We did a lot more picnics, having people over to our house, that kind of thing (which hey saves money as well).

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 13:51:33

Oh for goodness sake. No one is saying you can't go outside the door if your child is a screamer. Posters are just pointing out that you have to use a bit of common sense and consideration in that situation. A library is known as an area where people are expected to be extremely quiet. Why on earth would you bring a noisy baby in there and then remain on the premises when he is screaming?
Likewise, in a restaurant people have paid to enjoy a meal and have a chat with friends. Surely it is normal behaviour to avoid them as far as possible with a very screamy baby or, if you do decide to visit one, be prepared to leave after a few minutes if you can see he's disturbing other customers.

ItsALongWayToPickAWilly Thu 29-Nov-12 13:51:17

Yanbu. My DS can be a bit of a screamer sometimes, or other times he gets a bit carried away and shouts lots. I'm teaching him about indoor voices and how to behave while out in public. It doesn't always work and there are times when he ignores me and carries on anyway and that is when we leave. Mostly it works and he shuts up.

I will NOT have him screaming and shouting in public, it's just rude. Save it for soft play or another appropriate time.

Lottapianos Thu 29-Nov-12 13:50:59

'But this idea that everyone in a cafe should suck it up because that's the way you choose to deal with it? Sorry, that just seems really selfish'

I agree actually. Yes, babies do scream but you have to at least try to manage it - it's not reasonable to just shrug your shoulders and act like it's nothing to do with you. If you're not supposed to sort it out, as the parent, then who is? confused

HipHopToDude Thu 29-Nov-12 13:47:18

My 18 month old DD has started with all this yelling & screaming.

When she is in the throes of it I can't even touch her - if I do she starts screaming "No! No! NO WAY!!" over and over and thrashes recklessly. She will scream and yell until she decides to stop, then she is sweetness and light (with a blotchy red face).

What should I do OP?

JollyJock Thu 29-Nov-12 13:43:45

You're right. Your friend and her child should be confined to their own living room without company until the child is 21.

Janeatthebarre Thu 29-Nov-12 13:36:30

Why should parents of screamer avoid certain public situations? Yes it might be annoying, but there are loads of things that adult diners do that is annoying to others, but unfortunately we cannot ban them.
What about older screamers, should they also be shunned from resturants and libraries? Quote

I don't really get this post. Obviously if your baby is a screamer you still have to go to the supermarket, use the bus etc. But restaurants and libraries are places that can be avoided when you have the baby with you, or places you can leave for a few minutes until the baby has calmed down again.

And of course adults creating loud, disruptive noise in a restaurant or library should be asked to stop, out of consideration for other customers.

Gingerodgers Thu 29-Nov-12 00:27:01

I like what you said dreaming, I left many an enjoyable afternoon early with friends and their kids because mine were not behaving, it's not ok to spoil things for everyone else.

I think it's two separate issues really.

If your DC is in a screaming phase, and your plan is to ignore it -- by all means, go ahead.

But I do think that involves a trade-off, which is limiting time spent in places where it's really anti-social to let your child scream -- especially places where it's not really necessary for you to go, like cafes and libraries.

I mean, no one really enjoys going to Tesco anyway, and you have to get food, so that's not the end of the world. But this idea that everyone in a cafe should suck it up because that's the way you choose to deal with it? Sorry, that just seems really selfish.

It's disingenuous to say 'you can't make a baby stop screaming'. Of course, sometimes you can't. But that's a separate issue to whether it's fair to inflict it upon other people in avoidable situations.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Thu 29-Nov-12 00:09:46

I have an occasional screamer and he ends up on the naughty step every time it happens. Seems to be learning fast not to scream

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