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WIBU to hand my friend the dustpan and brush...

(94 Posts)

Ok, to give me some perspective just want to ask the MN jury this...

A friend came round a couple of weeks ago and gave lunch to her DD 31 weeks - a blw lunch of broccoli and tomato. Didn't ask if it was ok but we have wooden floors so I didn't mind too much thinking there would only be a tiny bit going on the floor, obviously it went EVERYWHERE completely covering my dining room floor, she looked very perplexed when after sorting her DD she just sat down and carried on drinking her tea. I got out the dustpan and brush and said d oyou want to use these? She hadn't offered to clean up, nor asked for anything to clean with, nor said I'll do it in a minute.

She hasn't been round since, nor has she initiated texts to meet, up until this point it was a weekly meet since my DD was newborn. Was this rude of me? I would fully expect to clear up DD's mess if she made any at someone elses house so didn't think this was out of the ordinary, but seems she may have taken offence...

I'm not overly fussed as if she'd left the mess without offering I probably wouldn't have been best pleased and not text her - but AIBU?? Really?

babybythesea Tue 27-Nov-12 15:20:44

I always clean up after my dd.
I tend to assume that the person who has invited me round wants to enjoy my company, but that they will have better things to do with their time than clean up after me once I've left. It doesn't stop me having a natter if I wipe up crumbs etc - I think part of having small children is accepting you will have to do a load more cleaning - wherever you are (your home, someone elses home, out and about...). I mostly must know nice people - people who come here with children usually at least offer to help - if it's major chaos (like that caused by baking and icing cakes) I accept. If it won't take me long after they've gone I decline. Very rude not to offer though, and to just assume someone else is happy to tidy up after you.

N0tinmylife Tue 27-Nov-12 15:23:26

YANBU. I am the worlds worst slob, and would be quite happy to leave mess in my own house to clean up later. I still wouldn't leave it in someone else's house, and it sounds like it was a lot of mess! All you did was offer her the tools she needed to clean up, which seems quite reasonable to me.

SoleSource England Tue 27-Nov-12 15:24:51

Perhaps after he.few.minutes of feeding her child,.she wanted to finish her tea, insteadof letting it become cold. Your friend did not feel the need to declare her intentions of cleaning up herself. You staring to clean maybe made her feel judged. You should have given her the benefit of the doubt.

BreconBeBuggered Tue 27-Nov-12 15:29:20

Regardless of whether she ought to have cleaned up after her DD, and she probably should, it does sound to me as if you were being a bit snotty about it, handing her the dustpan and brush. Not getting down on her hands and knees immediately doesn't necessarily mean she wasn't intending to do it at all.

ThatArtfulPussy Tue 27-Nov-12 15:32:46

Well, if the baby was 30 weeks I would have said YABU. On the other hand, by 32 weeks then your friend would have BU.

At 31 weeks, I'm on the fence. Or seven months, as we normal people say. My vote for unreasonableness goes to whichever one of you is still keeping tabs on that one, with double unreasonableness if she has some kind of ticker going on to keep track.

akaemmafrost Tue 27-Nov-12 15:34:07

I would have done it myself seeing as she's a FRIEND!

YABU.

EuroShagmore Tue 27-Nov-12 15:35:15

She was unreasonable not to offer to clean up.

You were unreasonable to hand her the dustpan and brush.

FeckOffCup Tue 27-Nov-12 15:35:20

Bartlet I would offer to clean up after my child but at the same time I think OP is being way too precious about this, it's perfectly possible to clean up a bit of food without getting it all over your clothes, it's part and parcel of having babies/young children around and I wouldn't stop contact with a friend over such a minor issue.

After I got the dustpan and brush out and said 'do you want these?' she said 'ooh yes, easier than wiping the floor with wetwipes' (which is what I presumed she was going to do as she'd used those to wipe down her high chair) and a few minutes passed plus a few more sips of tea and conversation but her DD was starting to crawl around in the food mess including pulling herself up on upholstered chairs and I was uncomfortable with that.

So on the day I really honestly thought there hadn't been an issue - I just did what I'd expect anybody else to do for me, facilitate the cleaning of mess made!

I offered her another hot cuppa for what it's worth :p

emblosion Tue 27-Nov-12 15:38:10

I'm on the fence too - i'd always clear up after ds or at least offer BUT agree with Kveta that mess is part & parcel of hosting. I think I'd clear up myself, only getting annoyed if it happened every single time...

ThatArtfulPussy She says 7 months, my DD is 9 weeks younger so I'm still on weeks and just add 9!!

emblosion Tue 27-Nov-12 15:40:41

Cross posted - agree the what euroshagmore said more eloquently ^

Tailtwister Tue 27-Nov-12 15:41:12

YANBU. When we went round to friends houses, I took a large plastic mat and was extremely careful nothing went onto their floor. Your friend should have done the same and certainly should have cleared up asap after the meal was over. Did she honestly expect you to go grovelling around on the floor cleaning up after her child?

I wouldn't feel the least bit bad OP. If your friend chooses to be offended then you're probably better off without her.

Kalisi Tue 27-Nov-12 15:41:51

Yanbu. I'd do the same. A little mess is fine but there's no way I'd leave a big mess at a friends house it's just rude.
I had a friend with a "sicky" baby. He always used to throw up everywhere at my house and my friend used to uselessy (?) just dab at the puddle with a baby wipe. If I saw it happen I would get a sponge and carpet cleaner and clean it properly but she never once offered to help. If I didn't spot it she wouldn't mention it and leave my house stinking of vomit. Although I had sympathy for her, it did get a bit much.

usualsuspect3 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:42:17

I would have just cleaned it up myself.

usualsuspect3 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:43:16

No fuss or drama.

I'm interested in what she'd have done if I'd had carpet!

sheeplikessleep Tue 27-Nov-12 15:44:50

Maybe you didn't give her enough time to offer.
Maybe she's embarrassed.

Crinkle77 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:48:56

putonyourredshoes if I went to a cafe and my child made a mess then I would try to make some effort to clean it up. I used to work in a cafe and the mess some parents would leave behind was unbelievable. Some would let their kids open sachets of sugar and tip it all over the table and never told them off cos it kept them quiet and then made no effort to clean it up.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 27-Nov-12 15:53:48

YANBU my friends dd wet herself in my bathroom and carried on sitting doen drinking her tea when I said shall I grab some knickers from dd and ended up cleaning it up! I wish I had handed her the mop and bucket instead of clearing up after her dd. still annoys me to this day

putonyourredshoes Tue 27-Nov-12 15:54:36

crinkle77 - I guess that is why loads of places are not child-friendly because they don't want the mess that goes with small children.

That's fine, but if I ran a cafe that wanted money from the harrassed parent market I would expect to be doing a hell of a lot of cleaning up.

Unless the parent is an absolute martyr (a common type of MN) then the best you can really hope for is a cursory swipe with a wet wipe.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 27-Nov-12 16:00:09

YANBU. BLW is a different level of mess from normal toddler food mess! And your home is not a cafe - when you go to a cafe, you pay, and that covers somewhere clean to sit, what you eat, and someone else cleaning up after you - though I think that entails a responsibility not to make more mess than you can help.

OneMoreChap Tue 27-Nov-12 16:01:24

StuntGirl Tue 27-Nov-12 14:56:53
What the hell is blw?

I wondered, too.

Always cleaned up after mine, and hated it when visitors chuckled when their sprogs hurled food on the floor and didn't offer to clean it up.

One visitor got a cloth and bucket handed to her...

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Nov-12 16:13:48

BLW =Baby Led Weaning

AKA give your child a banana and stand well back

PlantsDieArid Tue 27-Nov-12 16:22:21

Perhaps time has blunted my memory of early babyhood, but I remember going to my friends' houses with my baby for comradeship, laughs and support.

If my baby had thrown tomato-based food all over a cream sofa or carpet, I'd have been horribly embarrassed and offered to have them professionally cleaned.

But if I understand correctly, your friend cleaned your high chair after her baby had eaten. Then you handed her a brush & dustpan to use and asked 'do you want to use these?'

There was food all over your wooden floor. You asked your guest to clean it up, rather than do it yourself or even leave it until she'd gone and sweep it up then?

I feel mortified on her behalf. If I were her, I'd be horribly embarrassed; your behaviour sounds gauche at best and insulting at worst.

Yes, I think it was rude of you and I don't think you need worry as I can't imagine why she'd be contacting you again. You've got all the time in the world to make new friends whose housekeeping and priorities are more to your taste.

It's highly possible that your standards are worlds apart from mine, in which case sorry for any offence caused. You asked for opinions though...

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