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To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

(419 Posts)
TangoPurple Mon 26-Nov-12 09:58:55

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

TroublesomeEx Mon 26-Nov-12 11:03:48

Nancy I would suspect that there are elements of everyday life that can be a "chore" for parents of a child with autism too. My experience of children with autism (and tbf I don't know about the OP's daughter specifically) is that neither changing the routine to get a different bus or waiting around in the cold for 40 minutes and getting to school late would be acceptable.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:04:19

People just assume your child is NT always I find and it does lead to unfair exchanges like this one.

YANBU they were BU but clearly had assumed your DD was NT and you could get any bus. Have been berated by wheelchair user for using disabled toilet with DD who is 6 and in nappies, since she looks NT. I feel your pain. But just tell yourself they werent in possession of full facts when judging you, they dont know your story and that you were NBU.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 26-Nov-12 11:05:11

Nancy - I often let people go in front of me, especially when I'm not in a hurry. Be it people who are older, or who have small (or any!) children - generally people who for any reason seem a bit less able to wait than myself.

However, in this situation had the OP let the other woman go first the OP would have been late getting her DD to school and put her DD at more risk & discomfort (having to hold hands to walk a lot further home due to her autism). Why do you think she should have done this?

The woman in the wheelchair was perfectly able to wait for the next suitable bus.

If the next bus had been 5 minutes later, taking the same route, but not have wheelchair access then I think the OP would have been unreasonable not to allow the other woman to go first - but given all the facts, I don't think she was at all.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:05:27

Before anyone berates me for using disabled toilet I am not able to bend enough in a small cubicle to change DDs nappy wink

FannyFifer Mon 26-Nov-12 11:07:14

You were not being unreasonable.

Don't feel bad at all, you didn't need to explain yourself, she was rude questioning you.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:07:18

What soupdragon said too, every mundane aspect of daily life like buses and shops is bloody hard work with a child with autism too.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:10:39

I bet she would love to stand so that is v poor taste

waitingimpatiently Mon 26-Nov-12 11:10:55

I think I might be misunderstanding to be honest confused
Queuing aside, if a black person wanted to be treated the same as a white person unless it benefits them, in which case they want to be treated differently, how is this fair?

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:11:08

Not being PO but some things you dont joke about surely?

RobinSparkles United States Mon 26-Nov-12 11:13:22

BeyondLimits shock! I'd ask for that to be deleted if I were you.

MavisG Mon 26-Nov-12 11:15:19

Wheelchair users often get cold much more/more quickly than non disabled people, less able to move around. So yes, having a seat while she waited wouldn't be that much comfort to her I imagine.
(But op wasn't unreasonable, life sounds challenging for her too. Anyone having an easier time of it, e.g. who'd driven to the supermarket or had some spare time, would have been unkind not to accommodate the lady. This wasn't the case for her.)

I am disabled. Its called black humour. But i'll ask for it to go.

Janeatthebarre Mon 26-Nov-12 11:15:32

She sounds very self entitled and the checkout operator was rude and unprofessional.

SkinnyMarinkADink Mon 26-Nov-12 11:18:02

Yanbu.

I have been asked by someone in a wheel chair of she could go in front of me in tesco the other week, i have sciatica and pgp on this occasion i didn't have my crutches, i said no as i was in pain just standing and needed to be quick..

She really berated me saying i was just pregnant and to get over myself..dh came from the cash point to me in tears being served by a very shock till operater who asked if i was ok!

I've reported, so now just waiting for it to go. Apologies if it upset anyone, I dont think sometimes blush

I really really hate disabled threads. How the fuck can anyone say that a woman in a wheel chair is entitled?

Yes, she may be in a wheel chair but not sure anyone can evaluate her disability or the reason she is in the wheelchair. A wheel chair is not a mode of transport. Disabled people probably don't think, 'hmm, shall I take the wheel chair, or shall I take the car...'

But the underlying reason that she is in a wheel chair is probably complex.

Personally I find this thread depressing. I don't think anyone should be forced to give up their place in a queue, but in the same position as the OP, yeah, I would have.

RobinSparkles United States Mon 26-Nov-12 11:25:59

Beyond it didn't upset me but I didn't think it would go down well here and I didn't want you to get a flaming. smile

spotsdots Mon 26-Nov-12 11:27:45

As a wheelchair user, I regurlaly get people offering me to jump the queue. But I've never asked to jump the queue. In your case, I would have let her go (regardless whether I'm a wheealchair user or not) simply because it would have been a polite thing to do.

BTW why did you feel the need to justify your no unless you knewfelt you were being unreasonable?

If you had said no and nothing further, I would say YWNBU.

Overall you were both unreasonable. The other person shouldn't expect to jump the queue unless there was a sign for e.g wheelchair accessible therefore priority to the wheelchair users.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 26-Nov-12 11:28:44

Ilovemydog do you have a child with autism?

If not then you cant say what you would do in OP's position as you wont fully appreciate her issues.

Noone is saying all disabled people are entitled. However, a disabled individual is just as capable of being a twat as a non disabled person. Or a black person, or a gay person, or a woman. Being in the "minority" does not always make a person nice, or right.
Take the wheelchair and the OPs daughter out of it. Woman asks to go in front as she needs to get a bus. Other woman explains she also needs to get that bus. Perfectly reasonable so far. If the first woman complains and till person complains too, they are both being U.

MistressIggi Mon 26-Nov-12 11:31:06

You were both cutting it very fine in terms of getting that bus weren't you? Very hard to predict how long the queues will be in a supermarket. Just that the competition for the till wouldn't have arisen if one of you had left a bit more time.
Could you have asked the bus driver to wait for her?

'IME, some disabled people I have known have wanted to be treated as equals until it benefits them'

What the frig do you mean by that? Example please.

Idocrazythings Mon 26-Nov-12 11:35:27

Did she have a lot of shopping or just one or two items?

TroublesomeEx Mon 26-Nov-12 11:35:55

Even with an autistic child ilovemydog?

Because under any other circumstances, I would agree that the OP should have done for all the obvious reasons. But when two people have SN and neither knows exactly what the individual circumstances are, how can anyone (including the people involved) say whether one trumped the other or not?

Surely in that situation it must come down to who got there first?

Some people are rude and some of those people are disabled.

I've been quite open on here about the sort of woman my mother is. She's also disabled (blue badge and everything). It doesn't make her less of an arse!

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