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Regarding contact

(253 Posts)
Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:23:09

Regarding DDs twunt of a father 

He has put no effort in with DD and just likes to scream at me. 
As I refused to drive DD around the country today he hasn't seen her but he says he isn't missing anything. I'm just a bitch but his maintainence wouldn't even get me to and from what her wants!
He wants her all weekend next weekend . Am I being unreasonable to say no?
DD doesn't know him, yet he says she doesn't know me.
He's never changed a nappy and he isn't very good with her and to be frank I don't trust him.
I'm so upset on Dd's behalf. She doesn't deserve this and he doesn't realise you don't get these days back.
His time off is precious apparently, he wants it to himself sometimes. I don't ever get time off but apparently this is what I wanted.

AIBU to be sad for DD?
AIBU to stop him seeing DD until he steps up?
AIBU for being so angry angry

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 14:08:21

I'm a bit blush chatting to my HV about it because deep down I still love him and hope he will change.
CSA will give me 54 a week but he says he can't afford it and went nuts at me.
When I mention formalising things for DDs sake he goes nuts and says I'm stupid and irrational and If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it.
It's apparently not the way to do things and I'm Jeremy Kyle trash and it's not good for DD and everyone will think bad of me.
He says im physcotic and it really scares me that people will think that off me. I also don't want to upset his parents and their relationship with dd.
How did he become like this? Why is it like this? What did I do to deserve this? How can I still love him?
It's on my mind 24 hours a day it just won't stop, i am so disappointed in myself

MaBumble Mon 26-Nov-12 14:25:35

Hi Pickles

"deep down I still love him and hope he will change" you don't love him, you love the person you thought he was. He will never change, this IS who he is, he was lying to you previously. I know. I did this for years with my ex.

He can't afford an additional £14? rubbish, its not about that. Even if he pays you the full £54, he wants to pay you directly, make you feel obliged. its a play for control and power. That way he can with hold it when ever you don;t 'behave'. Take that power away from him and to the CSA.

" If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it" You don't want him back, not the real him. No one will think bad of you, and if they do, so long and you and DD are happy - so what! So they think you're a bitch, so what? Where are 'they' when you needed them? What did 'they' ever do for you? Tell 'Them' to bugger off smile

You not psychotic, you've been ill, stressed and emotional. If you were crying from the pain of a broken leg would people judge you? So what right have they to judge you for expressing this emotional pain, which is made so much worse by his behaviour.

Take it one step at a time. Start saying no (I know it's hard), and when he gets mean and nasty put the phone down, walk away, and go talk to people who you can trust not to be mean and nasty.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 14:39:49

Pickles, Please listen to everyone on here.
Am I getting this right; your DD is ten weeks and you have been taking her to see him??
WTAF? I was barely out of my pyjamas for the first 3 weeks of my ds's life.
You simply can't do this, and if he has a problem with it he can take you to court.
When you tell the court about his emotional abuse (which is what this is) he won't get very far.
Of course you feel like you still "love" him. You have gone thru pregnancy and birth, and the early weeks of motherhood alone. This is a very stressful and emotionally hard thing to do (I did it so I know) and you just want to cling onto the idea of this man who you feel once loved you and cared for you.
Your hormones are going haywire, and your natural instincts are to be with the father.
This will ease off as you get stronger and more confident, and you will look back on this period as a time of adjustment to your new life.

You sound to me like you still have PND-the obsessive thought and not sleeping are classic signs, and what you need to do is concentrate on making your DD's Mummy better.
All she needs is you, healthy. She wont remember any of this btw, and she will love you unconditionally.
You are NOT weak-noone who can look after a baby alone from birth is weak or pathetic. And you are doing this. You are a brilliant mum, because you are thinking of your daughter's need and future happiness, even if you are misguided in thinking that this man has anything to offer her. He probably doesn't, and the sooner you get used to that idea, the better,
All you need to do is shut him down, ignore him, and deal with him only through solicitors, and the CSA. (CAB can help).
Get as much support as possible-family, friends, Women's Aid, HV-everyone and anyone.
Try and get some sleep and enjoy your baby. Things will get better if you stay away from this total fucking bastard.

waltermittymistletoe Mon 26-Nov-12 14:41:58

Pickles you must, must, must let go of him.

As Ma says, it's not him you love. It's the person you thought he was. This man will damage you and your dd if you let him back into your lives full time.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Look, look how he's treating you. You ask what you've done to deserve this. It's nothing you've done and you don't deserve it so Let. Him. Go.

Please!

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:50:35

How do I do that? I want to but he's never going to be gone sad

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 21:06:12

Its really early days OP.
You don't know what he will or wont do in the future. All you can know is what your actions will be.
Start as you NEED to go on, by formalising all arrangements, with outside help.
This will make you more in control, and feel less powerless.
Don't let this man control you. He can't if you don't let him.
You have an army of help at your fingertips-use it.
You are a strong person. All good mothers are. You need to be a lioness protecting your little cub from all that may do her harm-and shlepping her off to her biological fathers at ten weeks old is not in her interest, or yours-only his.
Your responsibility is to make a calm, safe, happy home for your daughter. That's all. What he does or doesn't do is not within your remit.
Make a plan. Stick to your guns. Sooner or later the emotional aspects of this WILL subside, and you will be able to get on with your life, but you have to take control.
You can do it.

missymayhemsmum Mon 26-Nov-12 21:24:49

Sounds like you are having to deal with too much alone, Pickles. Is there anyone you can stay with while DD is so little who can help you? That way if her father starts being scary you have backup. Make what your baby needs the centre of everything, then make sure you look after your own needs and stop running around after what he wants. You don't deserve any of this but sounds like your hormones and head are all over the place, which is totally to be expected when you have a tiny baby and have just come out of an abusive relationship. Are you afraid to say no to him? If so, you need protection and backup. And talk to your Health Visitor lots and ask her advice and take it.

waltermittymistletoe Mon 26-Nov-12 21:30:06

Maybe he won't ever be gone but that doesn't mean that he has to mean anything to you anymore!

When I say let him go I mean from your heart and your head. He will always be your DD's father but he doesn't have to be somebody who has any control over you or your feelings.

But that won't happen overnight. You need to stay strong and remember all of the reasons why he's not a good person for you to be in a relationship with.

If you wibble, post here. Speak to your counsellor again. Most importantly, keep that baby with you until he earns the right to call himself her father.

TwinkleReturns Mon 26-Nov-12 21:50:54

Pickles love it will get easier.

Those feelings like he's never going to be out of your head, that you still love him etc are normal. You need to stop panicking and berating yourself for feeling that way. When I fled from my ex into refuge this time last year I was a mess. I kept beating myself up for still loving him. I learnt how to cope though and here is what I want you to try to do. When that wave of feelings hits you go into a room and shut the door. Sit down or lay down and let it all wash through you. Dont fight it, dont think about it - its a form of grief - you need to let it do its thing. Hold onto the knowledge that it will begin to pass. I used to lay on the floor and sob and sob and wish I was dead. Honestly. But within 10mins-30mins it subsided and I sat up, wiped my eyes and got on with my day.

Instead of seeing those feelings as a weakness you need to see them as strength - they are your bodies way of getting through this. If you bottled it all up and were fine you would be heading for disaster. Every tear you cry, every emotion that you experience is another little stepping stone on the way to healing. It hurts so so much doesnt it, but you get through it and believe me whats on the other side is worth it. Months and months down the line I still get the urge to call him. I dont want to but its the effect of the abuse. I am programmed to respond to him so with xmas coming up I feel like I should call him. I wont though. Ive got stronger and I can now spot the urge, wave at it and ignore it.

Its totally totally normal to feel this way. Especially with PND and a new baby. So let yourself grieve for the man he once was, for the man you fell in love with but the man you and I both know is dead, gone and never coming back. Thats why it hurts.

Practically here is my advice. Stop all contact with this twunt. Honestly. You are not strong enough right now to be picking up the phone. Let him take you to court if he wants access. I really dont think he will bother but if he does he will only be awarded very short periods of time and it will be supervised in a contact centre. By continuing to discuss contact with this man you are allowing him the opportunity to abuse you again. He doesnt give a shit about your child, he is using contact to control you. He's loving that you've been driving about when you are vulnerable and struggling, hes loving the control that being a father is giving him. So take that control away. No court on this earth would agree to you bombing about the country because its not good for a tiny baby to be bunged in a carseat and ferried about at a mans whim. You need to be resting and bonding with that baby which is in her interest. So in demanding you do otherwise he is showing how little he cares about her.

You are well within your rights (and would be doing as hundreds of us have) to stop all contact with him, change your phone number and send a letter stating that all contact is to go via a solicitor from now on. It shows him that you are actually putting the needs of your child first and will not be manipulated and bullied.

Go and see a solicitor. Go and get a free half hour and explain the situation. They will handle it and all this pressure will just evaporate. It is the best thing I did and my ex has backed off because he knows he cant use DD to get to me.

You are stronger than you think you are, you've been through hell and you are still standing, still fighting, still protecting that tiny life. You are a hero to that baby; you have given her a chance to be happy and she will be so proud of you for keeping her safe and putting her first. Any you should be proud of yourself. Chin up smile

Pickles77 Mon 26-Nov-12 21:57:18

Thank you for the support all smile

TandB Mon 26-Nov-12 22:12:32

You need people on your side, OP.

Talk to your HV, to the mental health team, to your GP and go and see a family solicitor.

Get contact formalised through lawyers and make him jump through all the proper hoops. You need to put some distance between the two of you and to have something formal in place to refer to when he tries to bully you. You can then just keep repeating the terms of the contact agreement or order, parrot-fashion when he tries to deviate from it.

Things will get easier once he knows you won't be bullied. If you keep giving in to his demands, they will get more and more unreasonable. He's not going to change and become a nice, reasonable human being, but you might be able to force him to have a grudging respect for you if he realises you won't be pushed around.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 23:26:21

Amazing post Twinkle.
I can relate to all of it, as, luckily for me ds's dad was not abusive, but I have been in an abusive relationship, and the word "programmed" is spot on.
It stuns me even now how weak I felt when he was in the picture, and how free I felt when I got away.
Rooting for you OP.

KeatsiePie Algeria Tue 27-Nov-12 06:11:59

Hi OP,

You are doing great, in case you don't know, to carry yourself and your brand-new baby forward. Congratulations. Your daughter is going to benefit so greatly from your strength and determination.

Re: this: When I mention formalising things for DDs sake he goes nuts and says I'm stupid and irrational and If I ever want him back that's not the way to do it.

-- He is just messing with you here b/c he knows he can. I mean come on. No one sits around like, "Hmm, should I get back together with Pickles? Yes, I should, I'll call her right now -- oh wait, wait now, what's this? She says she wants to formalize support arrangements for our baby so that she can care for her properly?!?! She wants to set up regular times so that I can see my baby without damaging her eating and sleeping schedule or endangering her health in a carseat?!!? Well fuck that shit! Man, I was totally going to go back to her and love her forever and be a kind and faithful partner, but now I'm not."

Seriously. I don't mean to sound unkind and I know you already know this, but wanted to say it anyway in case it helps: he is fucking with you. He is holding out the imaginary temptation of one day getting back together with you so he can control you. Sorry, I don't know you, but that does seem clear from your post. And that's just mean.

A man who is not being manipulative and mean would think "I'm glad Pickles wants to formalize support and visitation for our daughter, b/c I want to make sure that our baby has everything she needs from both of us, whether we are together or not."

I hope you can get a lawyer to help you formalize the arrangements, both support and visitation. And I'm so sorry you feel so weary and alone. x.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Tue 27-Nov-12 06:33:21

Pickles I echo what Twinkle said, it's completely normal for you to feel, sad, your grieving for what could have been, I don't want to scare you but I'm 2 years down the road, blocked lots of things inside, just completely one session of counselling with Womens Aid and sure enough I have post traumatic stress disorder, maybe that is why this man is in your dreams?

Apparently this is why mines is in mine, if I am honest I thought I was gong insane I had a good chat with doctor though and it made sense, I block him all day, even through counselling I referred to him as it, that person, the bastard (sorry), I never used his name and still cannot.

I know I need to do more counselling now to enable myself to move on, I still cry sometimes, not because I love this man but because I am grieving what could have been and the situation I am in now. Maybe I do love him I don't know, I don't think I can feel this level of hate and love at the same time.

I had to wake up at 4.30am this morning as mine was in my dream,sure enough I was hurting in my dream as he had divorced me without telling me?? When in reality I am waiting on a divorce, I also smacked him over head with a wedding present, (an ornament of a married couple I loved) in this dream I had to wake up though as I fall back into the same dreams I have police, solicitors, a bit of stalking going on and sure enough it's all in my dreams, I can relate to him being on your mind 24/7.

I would also recommend breaking off all contact, these men try to mess with your head so much and mine done a very good job until earlier this year when I cut him off. I still cry over this man sometimes, I was with him for a long time, I keep remembering the good times, all 5 or 6 of them....I constantly fight with my brain and tell myself I am to blame, then my support worker talks to me and tells me I am not....

We are still going through Courts as my ex will not fight my decision for no contact, (he wrote many apology cards letters I kept them all) I am not doing this to hurt him, my Dc do not wish to see their father, they are a little older and remember things and it has left them scared.

Be kind to yourself, get more counselling it is the only way through what seem to me to be a long nightmare. I don't have much support in real life as everyone would like me to move on, I would love this too, but sadly it seems my brain isn't ready to move on as yet.

Take care of yourself and your lovely DD. x

Pickles77 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:59:37

Thank you for the advice I know you are all right its just so sad sad

Pickles77 Tue 27-Nov-12 19:13:41

What do you all think regarding contact hours for DD. He works every other weekend. So finishes at 1pm on his Saturday off and has all of Sunday off.
Works the next weekend and finishes that Wednesday at 1pm.
He is 2.5 hours drive away.
Solicitor says to think what i will agree to with it being such a difficult working pattern.
Just want to see what you find acceptable. Bearing in mind his parents are 1 hour from him and 2.5 from us.
In a triangle shape.
Thank you

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 20:23:32

Where would you rather the contact took place? At a centre somewhere? At his parents?

A five hour round trip is very long for a baby that young.

Pickles77 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:29:52

I guess in my local area. I've got no problem him taking her for a few hours but I just don't know where he could go with her with it being winter

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 20:51:14

That's not your problem Pickles! Unless you think he's stupid enough to keep her out in the cold and not suitably wrapped up?

He can take her to a cafe. Grab a coffee and have a cuddle. She won't be able to interact too much at that age anyway.

If it was me, I'd offer it. If he didn't bother to take me up on it, well, I wouldn't see it as a big loss!

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 27-Nov-12 20:54:51

I would be prepared to drive up to 30 minutes.

Find a contact centre so you have reliable independent witnesses to his behaviour.

I would offer alternate Wednesdays and Saturdays 3:30-5pm. If he sticks to that and remains civil for 3 months you'll review it. Anything you object to - disrespecting you, late without informing you, attempting to change the arrangement - and you stop contact with immediate effect and he can fight you in court.

Actually, take him to court anyway. Let the csa deal with the money, it's what they're there for.

CremeEggThief Brazil Tue 27-Nov-12 21:00:32

I agree that contact should ideally take place on your 'territory' (local area ), but perhaps his parents' place could also work? Or what about your parents? Are they local to you and would they be happy to be involved?
Or, cafés, soft play and parks, when the weather warms up a bit.

Pickles77 Tue 27-Nov-12 21:03:37

His parents is way too far. I was thinking weds and sats too wink
No way would my folks have him in the house if im honest.
I'm going to write out a couple of draft emails to him and his folks at the weekend.

Spoke to csa today smile

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 21:07:49

Good for you Pickles!

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 27-Nov-12 21:09:21

Hurrah! <waggles pompoms>

Any slight hint of him kicking off and you call the police, right? Get it on record!

CremeEggThief Brazil Tue 27-Nov-12 21:11:55

Stay strong and remember he's brought this all on himself!

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