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DP on lads holiday?

(191 Posts)
ukipjr2008 Sun 25-Nov-12 14:20:32

I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.

Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!

he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.

Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......

THERhubarb Wed 28-Nov-12 12:28:52

But where did she say she would stop him?

She came on here to ask if she was being unreasonable and said that if she was, she would still be upset but would accept that she was unreasonable and would send him off with a smile.

I think that was quite mature of her. She admitted her feelings and also admitted that she might be out of order.

I think she was pounced on and that's a shame. Some people just get off on posting shitty replies. They think it makes them more popular. They are the immature ones.

If you think she's being needy there are better ways of saying that than these choice replies:
"If he wants to cheat, or do something you'd disapprove of, he'll do it in Little Whinging or wherever you live. "
"You sound very needy and controlling, does he tell you what you can and cant do? "

Her OP did not sound controlling and needing. She sounded like a very young woman who was honest with her feelings and asked whether that was unreasonable or not.

Others managed to disagree with her points in a much more civilised and mature way so I'm sure those posters could have done the same. It takes no effort to be civil and dare I say it, it might even be kind to be nice to a young woman posting on Mumsnet for the first time. Do you remember what your first post was?

JenaiMathis Wed 28-Nov-12 11:39:37

Not wanting your partner to go away for a week because you'll miss them is needy.

Nothing wrong or needy about missing a person, but to use it as a reason for them not to go away is stifling and generally Not Good.

I missed ds terribly when he went away on a school trip for a week - would it have been OK for me to stop him going for that reason?

QuickLookBusy Wed 28-Nov-12 11:34:25

I don't think it's needy to admit missing your dh. Mine used to work away mon-fri. He did it for 5 years and I missed him terribly. There's nothing wrong in admitting it.
It's not the only reason the op gave for not wanting him to go.

JenaiMathis Wed 28-Nov-12 06:34:08

Likewise, ilove.

ilovesooty Tue 27-Nov-12 18:35:20

I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week

That was the statement I thought sounded rather needy - I'm afraid I still do.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 18:22:21

The it probably was mean. I've just forgotten what it's like to feel so insecure and so damned hectic about this sort of thing, and when everything seems like the end of the world.

When DH announces he's off on his golf trip, I only very vaguely tune into what he's saying, because I'm busy mentally rubbing my hands together and start planning treats for myself grin

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 18:19:54

Ah, if you're pregnantly hormonal then I can forgive you anything Strawbs [pats Strawbs shoulder and strokes her hair...]

grin at hissing feminist...can you add hormonal pissed off preggo to that please?

THERhubarb Tue 27-Nov-12 17:42:40

Oh me too! But if dh had friends that didn't like me, who were all single, who liked to get drunk and encourage their mates to do stupid things and he wanted to go on holiday to a clubbing resort with them, well I'd like to think that he'd taken my feelings into consideration.

Course, I doubt a partner like that would be to my taste which is why I didn't commit until I was in my late twenties and he was 30. I just can't stand immature 'boys'. But that's not to say I would be overly mean to someone young, naive and with a idiot like that.

We all have the benefit of life experience. Back then, when you were so young, you wouldn't have developed such a thick skin which is why I think that being mean to someone so young who was just after some advice was mean.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 16:17:31

You know...maybe back in the mists of time, at 21 I might have been more clingy? I dunno?

I know that now I'm in my golden years the thought of DH being away for a week conjures up luffly images of having the bed to myself, not picking up his wet towels from the bedroom floor and eating cheese on toast for supper 3 nights in a row [goes off into a fond reverie...]

I still love him to bits...of course wink

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 27-Nov-12 14:44:48

Rhubarb ...so if one genuinely thought OP was being clingy,how should it have been phrased?

I thought she was,so that is the advice I offered. If she'd just wanted her hand held,she should have spoken to her rl friends. Although,saying that,my rl friends are highly likely to have the same view I did.

expatinscotland Tue 27-Nov-12 14:11:06

By the time my husband was 26, he'd been married to me for 2 years and we had a DD and were expecting a second.

Believe it or not, there are men who are 26 who are over 'lad's holidays' or were never that into them anyhow, just as there are 22-year-old men and women ready for commitment and family and couldn't care less about clubbing, drunk holidays abroad or the like.

Horses for courses. That's why I don't the OP is needy or insecure, but might in fact be wanting something different from life than this guy does right now.

curiousuze Tue 27-Nov-12 14:10:10

I'm not used to the abbreviations on here yet and thought the OP was annoyed that her boyfriend had had DP sex on a lads holiday...now THAT would be unreasonable!

THERhubarb Tue 27-Nov-12 14:02:29

I don't think she is being needy.

Did you all miss the bit in her post which said that at first she didn't object to a lads holiday, that she understood because she worked during term time? It's not as if she is demanding that he holiday only with her.

Let's face it, there are women who would kick up a hissy fit if their fellas went off on holiday without them.

She isn't one of them.

Yes there may be an element of mistrust on her part and who knows, perhaps she has good reason for this? I don't care how much you love and trust your partner, as many threads on Mumsnet show, you can never trust someone 100% because you can never know them 100%.

A holiday in a popular clubbing resort, with a load of single mates IS going to be a temptation for him. Yes he might well cheat in the local pub if he were that way inclined but I doubt the local pub could compete with somewhere like Ibiza.

He might not stray and she might not have any reason not to trust him, but I think that if this is her first relationship and taking into account her age, her concerns are not unreasonable.

Wasn't that why she started the thread? To find out if she was over-reacting or not? I would have said that was a very reasonable thing to do. She even said that if we all said she was BU that she would put on a smile and try to accept his decision.

I don't think there is any justification for calling her needy and clingy. I think that's just an excuse to be bitchy for the sake of bitchiness. An attempt to be clever and funny when it's neither.

RIP Newbie. It was nice knowing you.

LaQueen Tue 27-Nov-12 10:41:56

Strawberry it wasn't an afterthought, I wrote it in brackets because I wasn't really discussing women's reaction - I was concentrating on a man's reaction in my post.

But, as a MN veteran I Just knew that someone would come along and get hissy and say I was dissing women per se...so, I included it not as an afterthought...but, as a slightly weary, token forelock tug to any hissing feminists who happened by...

God yeah I had a situation a bit like this when dd was around 4 months and dh was sort of forced by his family into going away for a week somewhere similar for a stag he desperately didn't want to go. Not very good when you have pnd which is probably why I'm so passionate about it. Hope you get it sorted if you're actually here op.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 21:33:02

Yeah that's true Strawberry

Either way, at least it's come to light before they have a family - if indeed they've thought about that.

That looked like an afterthought...

I guess what's obvious from this thread is that people have different viewpoints which is great unless you're in a relationship with someone who feels the opposite. It doesn't really matter what anyone says as the way she feels won't change and the same for him it doesn't make her evil or immature and in the same way he's not being unreasonable if that's really what he wants to do.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Nov-12 21:23:44

Did you miss the part where LeQ said "Neither do most women either"?

I think if the OP was male and was trying to control where his female DP went for a week with her friends, he'd probably be called a controlling bastard.

'Men don't like needy, clingy women...it's a huge turn-off for them'

Fuck me, so now she should change her personality and views to keep her 'man' turned on? Put up and shut up eh? That's a nice step back for feminism.

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:01:17

*untrusting

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 26-Nov-12 21:00:56

Really worrying to see how many posters on here think such controlling and untrustworthy behaviour is normal.

LaQueen Mon 26-Nov-12 20:38:19

You sound very young and immature - but, then I realised you are only 22, so it's no surprise.

Let me lend you the benefit of my 42 years experience...

Bottom line is - if your DP is so weak willed that he can be persuaded to be unfaithful to you, just by his mates egging him on...then he's a twunt, and a weak twunt, at that.

If he's so weak-willed then he will be unfaithful to you at your local pub, in his parent's garden...in your own home. It doesn't matter where...^location doesn't determine fidelity^ FFS.

It's only a week for goodness sake...that's nothing. Men don't like needy, clingy women...it's a huge turn-off for them. They might smile, hug you and say all the right things to reassure you...but inside they're cringing a bit and putting a black-mark against your name. They just don't like it (neither do most women either).

Beaverfeaver Mon 26-Nov-12 20:29:54

My DH is 26, never been on a lads holiday and I have been encouraging him to go as his friends want him to.

He is now looking to go for a long weekend soon.

I trust him. I wouldn't trust some of his friends, but that's none of my business.
I'm sure they will have fun, and I'm sure I won't hear about everything that happens.

I'm ok with that.

MuckingFunter Mon 26-Nov-12 20:19:23

YANBU and quite frankly all of you who are giving her a hard time have got your heads well and truly in the sand.

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