DP on lads holiday?(191 Posts)
I'm 22 and my DP is 26. We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years.
Next year my DP wanted to go on holiday with his mates during term time (I'm a teacher so can only go on holidays during school holidays.) I said I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a stereotypical 18-30 clubbing place. It makes me really uncomfortable to think of him going to one of those places, I think he's too old for it and it's embarrasing for both me and himself. Also I know what his friends are like, they don't actively hate me but it's not like they're my friends at all and all the people he are going with are single and the type that would egg him on to do stupid stuff. I don't think he would cheat on me and he never has before or anything, but I think that there is a definitely a strong chance that he would push the boundaries of what would upset me. Plus despite all of that I would really miss him if he went away for as long as a week. We were apart for a week about 6 months after we first got together and when he came back he said he missed me so much he wouldn't go again, that's obviously not how he feels anymore!!
he is insisting of going to one of these places as they're 'so much cheaper' and it's 'not fair on anyone else if they have to pay more'. At first I wasn't happy with him going on holiday at all but then I conceded, but now he is determined to go to one of these places I'm really upset. He says he is booking it anyway, I'm embarrassing him and that I'm being really unreasonable.
Well the question is... AIBU? Whatever happens I will never change being upset that he is going and the week that he is there will be absolutely awful, but I guess if enough people that weren't his idiotic mates thought I was being stupid maybe I would try to make the effort to pretend that I'm not upset about it at least. So any answers appreciated.......
I was in a similar situ, both 2 years older. It wasn't that I didn't want him to go away, the time wasn't a problem, trust wasnt, it was the nature of the holiday.
I just knew I don't want to be with the sort of man who in his late 20s wanted to go somewhere so tacky. My issue, not his, but I found it embarrassing to be with someone who wanted to go on a 'lads' holiday - I don't want a lad, I want a mature, cultured, interesting man.
I ended it. Not for this, because he was generally an abusive arse, but this was a contributing factor.
The OP is not saying he was going to go on a 18-30 holiday, just that sort of place so basically somewhere like Magaluf which seems reasonable as the lads arent really going to want to go Amalfi or somwhere like that!!
The chances are the days will go, full english at lunchtime, followed by getting burnt on the beach followed by 12 hours of drinking in the pub. Leave him to it, ask him to give you a call everyday if that makes you feel better
My fella works away 6 days and 4 nights a week, not idea but thats life. Soon he will be away for 2 weeks at a time!
it all really boils down to one thing. either you trust him or you dont. only you can answer that question. if you think he will push the boundaries and do things he knows you wont like then you dont trust him and shouldn't be commiting anymore of your future to him.
if you trust him then you trust him and you wouldn't be worried about him going into a room full of naked women everyday for the rest of his life.
I would put my foot down on this one. But you may find he decides to go anyway. If you say no and he goes anyway, is it a dealbreaker?
putting your foot down is what toddlers do when they've been told they cant have their own way. adults talk and reach an agreement.
Yabu because you clearly don't trust him and it's causing you to infantilise him, against which he's rebelling. Childish all round.
I'd have given a limb to have been able to afford to send dp off for a couple of days with his mates before ds arrived
There's a reason most people don't settle down aged 22. Or 26 for the matter. There's too much fun to be had in your 20s. And all the rest of your life - decades and decades - to do domesticated contentment.
Let him go. If he's decent, you've nothing to worry about. If he cheats, well, he was't the one for you anyway. You break up, you move on. You're 22. Your whole life is ahead of you.
'Let him go' - sorry, appalling choice of words. Wave him off. And expect him to wave you off in return when you get a chance for a holiday with friends.
Basically, enjoy the peace while he's gone.
YABU totally unreasonable to whine about him going away for a week. It's a week FFS, man up. Last time my husband went away, it was for a spell of 17 weeks, followed by another of 10 weeks. He's also lived abroad for 2 years when we only saw each other for a snatched weekend every 3-6 weeks...stop being so needy.
As for the 18-30 thing... I think that comes down to he much you trust him. If he's going to cheat, he'll do it regardless of where he is. That being said, I wouldn't go on an 18-30 without my husband (and not just because I'm too old... It just wouldn't 'feel right').
And if he's not going on an 18-30 (which are heavily geared up around drinking and sex) and just happens to be going somewhere lie Magaluf or Rhodes, then YADDDBU and I would think, at risk of being binned.
I wouldn't like it either if I'm honest but I'd let him go. After two days of 'freedom' he'll be bored sick of having a hangover and having to wake up to everyone else's hangover, and they'll have run out of pub talk. On the last night they'll have a brilliant time because they are all so pleased to be going home.
Yabu. You don't own him he is 26 let him go without. You sulking over it. The "can't be apart for a week" thing is immature and tedious. Grown ups with real grown up relationships don't behave like that. Only allowing him to go away to destinations you approve is ridiculous.
Why do you not like his friends?
Why do they hate you?
It seems to me that you have already asked him not to, presumably with reasons, and he has said that he is going anyway. You only have 2 choices, accept it or finish it.
You are both very young. I would think that it is good to do things apart and I would get to know his friends. Either you can trust him or you can't and it is better to find out sooner than later.
If you really trusted him, this wouldnt be an issue. i went on a girls holiday 3 years into my realyionship i was the only one who wasnt single. I did not cheat or 'push any bounderies'. And it was an 18-30 type place, your DP is right they are the cheapest places to go. TBH if my DP had gave me the type of shit your giving your partner about a weeks holiday with friends i would have probably ended the relationship. I also believe that if the situation was reversed you would get pages and pages of leave the bastard...
I don't really understand all this 'put my foot down' or 'let him go' business when talking about another adult.
OP, if you have said you would rather he didn't go and told him why and he has decided he would rather go you have two choices.
You can say fine, don't bother coming back or you can say, see you when you are done.
Either you trust him or you don't, it does sound like you are both in quite different places as far as the relationship goes and you need to sort that out, like grown ups.
I dont get this put your foot down thing either it baffles me, really he is a grown up and seems reasonable to want to go away with his friends the op will be at work (not that it matters) it doesn't impact on any of their plans or life, It is just the OP insecurities that are holding her back, he will go on holiday get sun burned get pissed come home, and if he cheats well you know he isn't the man for you, he could cheat and not be on holiday, unless you know where he is 24/7 that is,
YABU. Everyone has expressed my views already.
Yanbu. I remember being in your situ when I was your age. I hated it. I think he is being unreasonable to go on such a hol when he is in a serious relationship. 26 is too old for these type of hols IMO. There's not much you can do about it though. It's his choice.
What I mean is, if I really didn't want my DP to go on an 18-30s holiday, I would tell him so plainly. I don't see why that makes me a toddler.
If it really meant that much to me, I'd say, 'I don't want you to go'. For X/Y/Z reasons. If he wanted to go I'm sure we would have a discussion, and as part of that why shouldn't I be frank about it if that's the way I felt?
I wouldn't want my DP to go on one of these holidays, because I think a they're strange and unconstructive way to spend your time, and therefore a waste of money. There are some things that are over the line in my opinion, and this is one of them. Every healthy adult relationship has some boundaries, this is one of ours. I'm sure yours may be different, but it doesn't make ours wrong, just right for us.
I think a they're strange and unconstructive way to spend your time
It's a holiday, why does it have to be 'constructive'?
tbh OP it would annoy me too
why does he want to go somewhere like that, 18 - 30 holidays are notorious for being holidays so people can get drunk and shag , i wouldn't be happy if dh wanted to do this, but then we are married with kids
but OTOH i do think you sound a bit needy, you are only young, and if you try and stop him going he will only resent you
and as others have said, if he is going to cheat he will do it wherever he is tbh
The DP didn't want to go on an 18-30 holiday? The OP just said not to an 18-30 type place e.g. ibiza resorts etc. So the OP would be fine if he went to a naice villa in Tuscany, or yak herding in Mongolia, but not if he went to Falariki - despite the fact it would almost certainly be a fraction of the cost to go to the resort.
The OP is being Unreasonable, but most people have said that anyway.
I think getting shitfaced and naked with strangers round the pool while your DP is elsewhere is fairly abysmal. Getting shitfaced at the bar and naked together with your DP in the hotel room is another thing. It's my opinion. You're totally welcome to another opinion. What does this have to do with the OP? She said any answers appreciated so hopefully she can see where I'm coming from, even if the rest of you can't.
Does one have to get 'shit faced and naked' in order to visit somewhere like Ibiza with friends?
The mind boggles
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