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to suspect that the % of men who cheat is way way higher than most of us realise

(53 Posts)
soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:01:23

I have a friend who works in a very male-dominated work environment and sometimes they forget she is there. Boys talk and last week she told me that out of 20 of them, all married, 18 have mistresses and they are quite open about it between themselves. She was warned about the men before she started the job - in her boss's words: "they'll love you...be careful".

I'm (almost) divorced and been on dating sites for a year now and have been propositioned by many many men who openly admit they are married, and these are just the ones that admit it. Usually you can tell because they have no picture on their public profile.

I've been shocked by the amount of cheating that goes on, I must be so naive, I had no idea it was this bad, and its made me really pessimistic about finding a future partner. On the sites I just get messaged by guys who just want sex, guys who are married, guys who are odd, guys who are mentally ill. Internet dating just seems be be a massive hook-up site now and no-one seems to have a shred of moral fibre, its a nightmare.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 25-Nov-12 11:02:52

Male bravado? where are all these women your collegues are hooking up with?

I reckon the % is fairly high but some careers will attract more men who cheat than others. Plus they are cheating with someone and unless it's other men, the % of women who cheat must be fairly high too.

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:30

many men on the site have told me women are up for it. a male friend who I've known for years and wouldn't lie to me tells me women beg him (his words) to sleep with them on first date, he feels they do it to "trap" him.

DownTheRabidHole Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:32

I think it must be her industry, 90% across the board is not true.

mumsfretter Sun 25-Nov-12 11:06:39

What field do you work in?

SoupDragon Sun 25-Nov-12 11:07:50

I don't think cheating is limited to men. The percentage of women who cheat is probably far higher than most people realise.

some careers will attract more men who cheat than others

I think the truth is more likely to be that some careers make it easier for people to cheat than others.

Binkybix Sun 25-Nov-12 11:08:16

I think 18/20 seems very high, but then again, very few people think their husband is cheating and a fair number do. However, I bet women cheat just as much. Does anyone know of any stats on this?

mumsfretter Sun 25-Nov-12 11:09:19

I agree with Kiss

If more married men have affairs than women and if we are roughly 50/50 male female in this country then there has to be either a high level of partners with single women or married women are doing the same.

bondigidum Sun 25-Nov-12 11:11:03

I'd like not to think so but having said that DH works with three guys who have cheated on their partners/wives and come into work pretty much bragging about it. All have been found out now.. and the partners are still with them hmm.

I don't think the % is over 50. Well, one would hope..

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:12:55

its a blue chip retail company

scaevola Sun 25-Nov-12 11:13:20

I've read various estimates that put it between 40-65% of men, and only slightly less for women (of course, what counts as cheating can vary).

So yes, I think is probably is higher than is generally realised as not all forms of cheating are full on affairs which are discovered.

TwoFacedCows Sun 25-Nov-12 11:13:25

I agree that it is very high. all you have to do is look on swingers sites to see the amount of men on there who are married but the wife doesn't play. eg, doesn't know!

it is bad, but i suppose i would prefer that to my DH having an affair!

SundaeGirl Sun 25-Nov-12 11:15:32

Wow, what industry is that, OP? Maybe a high percentage cheat over a long marriage but for 90% to be in affairs at the same time in the same office seems extreme.

SundaeGirl Sun 25-Nov-12 11:16:46

X-posted.

I worked in retail, it didn't seem that exciting.

scaevola Sun 25-Nov-12 11:17:17

Oh, and I think it is quite likely that you get clumps of infidels together especially if the social norm in a particular office is to admit affairs openly. It normalises the behaviour and thus makes it easier to give yourself "permission" to succumb to temptation, rather than see it as a passing fantasy and use it as a reminder to put your partner first.

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Nov-12 11:18:06

What does she mean by 'Sometimes they forget she's there'?

Should they not be talking about this when she's there or something? confused

I'm also struggling to believe that 18 out of 20 all have mistresses, that's extremely high imo.

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:19:17

I was talking to my mum about this the other day. she said when she went to work in a local factory after my dad left when we were little she was shocked at all the goings on. she said that's just what men are like dear.

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:20:27

scaevola, good point about normalisation. could be a company culture thing.

worra, they are all boys together, forget there is a woman amongst them

akaemmafrost Sun 25-Nov-12 11:21:22

I agree OP and have started threads about this is the past.

I do actually think, without trying to offend anyone on here, that there can sometimes be some unrealistic views of male fidelity on this site. By far the most threads in relationships are about affairs so it's logical that there are many more going on that aren't known about.

For those who say "well women cheat too" yes they do but by far I think that when a woman's heart is engaged she will not cheat. Men are much more able to compartmentalise.

I am not saying ALL men cheat but I think that it is MUCH more common than is realised on MN.

SundaeGirl Sun 25-Nov-12 11:23:37

I agree that if people start discussing mistresses then it normalises it. But this does still seem extreme.

Hijack sorry (Scaevola - are you a lawyer or policitian? I always notice your name)

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:23:49

akaemmafrost I am inclined to agree. think I was pretty naive when I was married and had no idea people were like this, but we were also christians so perhaps that helped. now a cynical atheist!

and for the record I have never cheated on anyone, ever. when I'm attached to someone it doesn't even enter my head. maybe we are just wired differently.

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Nov-12 11:24:54

But I don't understand what you mean by forget?

Why shouldn't they discuss this in front of her just because she's a woman?

soontobedivorced Sun 25-Nov-12 11:26:10

worra because they are behaving badly and they know it. same reason why no man on here would ever own up to infidelity, he'd get lynched!

QuickLookBusy Sun 25-Nov-12 11:26:53

Don't believe this for a minute.

I imagine that out of the 18 with mistresses, 2 may have, the other 16 are making it up in order to fit into the "male environment" the boss seems to be condoning "they'll love you, be careful". I mean wtf does that actually mean?

Whatever the real situation, the men sound like dicks.

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