To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

LadyMaryCrawley Wed 05-Dec-12 11:48:08

OP, you and your DH and DCs all sound lovely and I hope you all enjoy your mad Christmas at your MILs!

Your mother has behaved appallingly. I do hope she regrets her actions before it is too late and her "real" (UGH!) grandchildren come to despise her for her behaviour towards their sibling.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Wed 05-Dec-12 11:56:52

I am VERY happy that you are choosing your son over her!

bubby64 Wed 05-Dec-12 13:04:59

lemon, piglet and all. She lives on her husbands family farm, this is his source of income as well as inheritance so moving is not an optionsad.
When she adopted her son, she thought he would be the only extra child, but then his bio mother got pregnant again, and SS asked if she would take the baby as it would be removed as soon as born from the mum and it would be good if it could be with its sibling. She and her DH are big hearted people,they had enough room, and of course said yes, so she then got her new daughter. It was at that piont that the grandfather got arsy, as, within 18 months they went from a family of 4 to a family of 6, with all the extra pressures that involves. All the kids are lovely and treated exactly the same by her family, and the rest of his, even his mum says her husband is wrong, but you cant change people like this, no matter how hard you try.

LemonBreeland Wed 05-Dec-12 13:12:25

What a shame bubbly. Some people seem to think that material things are the most important, when growing up in a loving varing family means so much more.

My Mum actually suggested to me when DS1 was little that maybe I should only have him so I could give him everything materially. I felt it was more important to grow up with a sibling/s, than to have everything money can throw at him.

diaimchlo Wed 05-Dec-12 14:40:32

I have read all of this thread and cannot believe your Mother's, Older brother's and sister in law's behaviour it is disgusting and I applaud you and your DH for the stand you have made. Your 4 children are blessed to have such caring, level headed parents such as yourselves.

If your mother contacts you again, with anything less than an apology for her behaviour, I would suggest to her that she uses the money she has saved by not buying any of your grandchildren presents to buy a huge stock of dummies, as the one's that her, your brother and sister in law are throwing out of the prams must be getting damaged........... so will need replacing.

Learning70 Wed 05-Dec-12 15:53:55

Blimey, that would be a deal breaker for me. How cruel. I haven't read the 17 pages of replies but assuming they all say the same thing.

Frontpaw Wed 05-Dec-12 16:04:55

Your mum is being very nasty about this. I wouldn't budge, and tell her and your SIL exactly why. Do they expect the adopted child to sit in rags and ashes on Christmas Day, with no presents because he is adopted? I can't begin to understand the 'logic' she has here!

Our grandma was similar, but the other way around! The adopted cousins were spoiled rotten and the rest of us got a bar of chocolate (the type we didn't like!) whilst they got they fanciest, most expensive electronic toys ever. We weren't envious of them and found it all rather amusing. She was a bit dotty though. She once showed one cousin a nice portable tv that she'd bought for a birthday present for one of the children. She then said, 'it's your birthday soon, isn't it? Here's your present...' a whole 50p piece.

Frontpaw Wed 05-Dec-12 16:15:19

Oh god, I just read back through the there's and saw that your sons biological mum is a late friend. Does your mother not have one shred of humanity? She knew the mum then? And she treats the child (and the rest of you) like shit? Words fail me.

PM me your address! I would love to send a little something to all your kids.

JustFabulous Wed 05-Dec-12 19:15:22

There are no words to express how I feel about your mother, OP. Expecting you to choose between your mother and your son, never mind expecting her to be the chosen one. Bollocks to that. She is unbelievable and I am so angry that there is another evil bitch in the world. I thought my mother was the only one.

Sorry if I have gone too far, she is your mother after all.

Have a really lovely time at your MIL at Christmas.

MinnieBar Thu 06-Dec-12 07:19:24

Nothing very different to add, but OP you have done an amazing, wonderful thing in adopting your DS and no, not everyone would have done the same.
You and your family (by which I mean the ones with compassion!) sound lovely and it sounds like a fab Xmas smile

Thumbwitch Thu 06-Dec-12 11:28:10

Aname, you are the best friend anyone could hope to have and I'm sure your friend, mother of your wonderful boy, knew that.
I can't believe, now knowing that your mother must have at least had a passing acquaintance with your boy's birth mother, that she could be such a bitch about him - it was bad enough before, but adding in that bit of extra knowledge, well, words fail me as to how little I think of her.

You, on the other hand, are great and I'd be proud if you were my friend.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Sun 09-Dec-12 21:06:43

Thank you all for your support. Me and DH are VERY greatful
thanks
Happy holidays

Mulledandmerry Sun 09-Dec-12 21:13:11

I hope your Christmas is peaceful and magical with smiles , love and laughter x

Kewcumber Mon 10-Dec-12 00:28:47

Merry Christmas Aname. Hope its lovely for all your family.

MyLittleAprilSunshine Mon 10-Dec-12 01:05:06

I hope she leaves you alone and / or learns to be a normal person with a heart.
The latter seems unlikely, so enjoy the good family you have (which is much better without her).

smile

pigletmania Mon 10-Dec-12 07:36:16

Happy Christmas op, don't let your mum In until SHE apologises and buys all 4 dc presents, and treats your ds with kindness and love. If not keep her well away. Please keepus updated if she did finally manage to act like a decent human being. You taking a stand is the only way she will learn that what she is doing is not right an downright disgusting

pigletmania Mon 10-Dec-12 07:38:54

I am at a loss as why anyone could be so wicked and cruel, so much fr her Christmas spirit the hypocrite.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 10-Dec-12 21:48:14

I am astounded that she thinks she is right! (Op's mother I mean)

Yet it is heartening to read that everyone thinks the op's mum is so nasty and wrong.

You sound like a wonderful mum op xxxx

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Sat 15-Dec-12 23:32:47

We received a parcel from my mum this morning addressed to DCs luckily DH saw it before they did. It only had 3 presents in it. sad So we have just sent it back to her and hope she won't kick off too much when she gets it back.

FestiveFiggy Sat 15-Dec-12 23:35:27

Very sorry to read your update OP!! sad and angry in equal measure

AmberSocks Sat 15-Dec-12 23:37:13

your mum sounds like a nasty prick,your sil too.Keep the hell away from them if you can,who needs people like that in theirlife?

WinklyVersusTheZombies Sat 15-Dec-12 23:39:48

Fuck me. What a bitter sad woman she must be sad

MaryChristmaZEverybody Sat 15-Dec-12 23:40:20

She's a right bitch isn't she?

And I rarely say that about anyone. If she was genuinely short of money and gave them each a 50p piece, that would be fine. But to give to three of your children and not the fourth is appalling.

If my children weren't adopted I wouldn't believe you, to be honest. But having seen how my in-laws view my children, I know that people do act like this sad.

I love to see how my three children (adopted and not) pull together when faced with this sort of behaviour. I'm sure yours will too smile.

It reminds me of my grandfather who used to give £20 to my older brother, £10 to my younger brother and £5 to me, every year sad. My mum used to make up the 10 and 15 so we all got the same, but I never liked him much.

HildaOgden Sat 15-Dec-12 23:40:35

My God,what a horrible woman sad.

No words of wisdom on how to deal with this,I'm just so glad you are a better woman than the one who raised you.Let her kick off all she likes,I'd be absolutely furious with her.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Sat 15-Dec-12 23:46:27

They were stupidly expensive presents too.
A brand new 3DS for one of them and a kiddies tablet thingy for another. She has spent triple what she usually does, I have no idea where she got the money from.
I wonder if she thought we would take them because of this or if she was just being extra horrible.
angry
On the bright side she has wasted all that money

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