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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(659 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

LiviaAugusta Mon 26-Nov-12 02:05:01

Some of these stories are so sad, I can't believe how cruel some people can be. OP, you and your DH and all your children sound so lovely; I'm glad you've got one brother for support too even if your mother and older brother are being twunts of the highest order - I'm sure anyone of worth they spout their unfair and evil crap to will soon see through them. My mother married my (step)dad when I was six; I've never been treated as anything other than an equal by his family and it's sad to think that this isn't always the case. My grandparents on that side were wonderful people who I always knew loved me very much and I never think of them as anything other than my 'proper' grandparents.

OP you, your DH and your kids all sound wonderful! Your mum sounds like a lunatic, I imagine having her out of your life will harm her more than you. Hope she suffers for it.

namechangejane Mon 26-Nov-12 02:20:36

No. No, she's horrid. Children are so lovely and innocent they don't give a shit where they get love or presents from, they just feel the excitement of Christmas just like their other siblings, they don't look at a possible difference - how nasty of her.

theboutiquemummy Mon 26-Nov-12 10:00:03

stick to your guns as long as you and DH are on the same page then bugger her

as for your SIL she is just point scoring

If you don't stand your ground now then this will fester and become so much more

by adopting you have done an amazing and wonderful thing don't let other people biases ruin it for you.

As for present suggest then she gives you the money for pressies and then you buy 4 one for each of them

my brother has brought up his wifes children as his own even though they see their father and they get loads of pressies at christmas we all still buy for all of the children

Two of my cousins were adopted. They are lovely people and as much cousins of mine as any of my blood relatives. They have always been part of the family.

The idea of blood relations is over-rated IMO, having a loving family, regardless of origin, is way more important.

OP (and everyone else) I hope you and your family have a great Christmas.

dinkystinky Mon 26-Nov-12 10:08:51

OP - I'm so sorry your mum and DB just cant see how totally and utterly unreasonable (and then some) your mum is being. I hope they have a sudden epiphany and apologise. Until then, enjoy your lovely DH and wonderful children, all 4 of them, and I hope you all have a lovely festive period together.

Squitten Mon 26-Nov-12 10:28:10

You have absolutely done the right thing OP and good for you for standing up for your children against such utter horror. Shame on your mother and your brother too.

Maryz Mon 26-Nov-12 10:35:30

If I were you I would crank it up a bit.

I would contact your mum, your brother and your sil and tell them that legally and in every other way your son is your son, and as a member of your family you will treat him the same way as every other member of your family.

So if anyone is mean to him, or ignores him, or treats him in any way differently, you will make sure that all the children know exactly what is being done.

Tell your older children that they have a choice - to get presents when their brother isn't, or to refuse. I bet you anything you like that they will refuse. I know for a fact ds2 would refuse in that situation. (And using the same logic we had to stop celebrating our older two's "adoption days" as they said it was unfair they had them when ds2 didn't confused).

Say you want an apology for them disrespecting (horrible word, but you know what I mean) your family and your decisions, and until you get one you don't intend to let any of your children near them.

Sit back and see what happens.

Then the ball is in their court.

forgetmenots Mon 26-Nov-12 10:41:37

I agree maryz. Good advice. (I don't like the word disrespected too but sometimes it's all there is!)

But that said, I think if nothing changes from that reasonable request, OP, you should just close the door and if they want to have te relationship they know how. Life is too short for this.

pigletmania Mon 26-Nov-12 10:54:37

Yes Mary's totally agree

ShamyFarrahCooper Mon 26-Nov-12 11:02:38

My mum's dad said he wanted nothing to do with me as I wasn't 'real family' as I'm not a blood relative (adopted as a baby). This is when i was a kid. My mum never spoke to him after that. He died a few years ago and she said she didn't feel anything about it.
My mum and dad refused to let him in our lives after those words. Stick to your guns OP.

He missed out, I'm fabulous grin

JustFabulous Mon 26-Nov-12 11:06:18

I suspect if you told your SIL she wasn't a blood relative either she would argus she is family by marriage. ie by law. You know, the same way an adopted child is family. Legally.

pigletmania Mon 26-Nov-12 11:10:26

Is gransnet still running. Op post your op there and see what responses you get

Maryz Mon 26-Nov-12 11:13:06

[arf] at Shamy's "I'm faboulous" grin

Your mum's dad was a git.

ShamyFarrahCooper Mon 26-Nov-12 11:28:33

Yes Maryz he was. That was just a small snapshot. My mum couldn't carry children so he really stuck the knife in.

I didn't miss him anyway and as I've gotten older, realised I don't care what he thought about my 'status' within the family, just that I was angry at he treated her.

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Nov-12 11:36:51

Good point well put, JustFabulous.

I like your style, Shamy!

Aname - agree, stick to your guns and if your older brother chooses to be a knob about it then cut him out too. Doesn't sound like he'd be much loss either, tbh.
Good luck!

JustFabulous Mon 26-Nov-12 13:40:20

Thanks Thumbwitch.

PessaryPam Mon 26-Nov-12 13:50:49

AnameIcouldnotthinkof I think you have done the right thing and it's shown also that your eldest DB is someone you don't want or need in your life too. Cherish the good people in your family and your friends and ignore the others. And have a totally brill Christmas wine

Uppermid Mon 26-Nov-12 23:11:37

I'm not adopted but my parents split when I was very young. Mum went on to remarry and I was always treated like family by all of my (step) dads family.

Now married, I'm also treated like one of my dh's family, not just a wife or baby carrier!

In fact my only shorty family members are the ones I'm blood related to, my 2 'adopted' families are wonderful and have shown me what proper families are all about.

Uppermid Mon 26-Nov-12 23:11:57

Arrrgggghhh shitty not shorty!

Leonas Tue 27-Nov-12 20:00:40

My Gran was quite elderly when my uncle got together with his wife who already had a son who was about 2 at the time - my Gran was quite concerned about how to treat this wee boy and went to great pains to make sure he was not left out at Christmas and got the same as her other grandchildren etc. It was a bit awkward for her for the first year as she was from a generation who were not used to step-families. That wee boy is now 25 and is as much part of our family as the rest of us - your mother and sil are being incredibly cruel and unsupportive of you!

EldritchCleavage Wed 28-Nov-12 13:41:19

My father's stepmother was pretty awful to him when he was growing up. She made sure he came last, after all her children and begrudged every penny spent on his education, because he wasn't her child. She made sure to tell everyone that, too.

Then he grew up and became a success and she got upset because he always made plain to everyone she was his stepmother, not his mother.

The point is, some people are frightening in the way they are about even the closest relationships-as far from unconditional love and selflessness as one can get. Your mother obviously played favourites according to some idea of how you children all reflected on her, or resembled her. She wants to do the same with her grandchildren.

I think you, and they, are well out of it. Your horrid brother just seems to be thoughtlessly capitalising on his 'most favoured' status. But with these attitudes, nothing either mother or older brother can bring to your lives will be as good and as life-affirming as the love you'll share with your adopted DS.

Squitten Fri 30-Nov-12 19:50:49

How is everything OP?

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Sat 01-Dec-12 21:31:44

Thank you all for replying.
Everything is going okay.
My mum has only contacted me once and when I stuck to my guns she hung up and has not bothered me since. My brother and SIL are sticking with my mum but everyone else have been really careing smile

ohfunnyface Sat 01-Dec-12 22:14:06

Glad to hear you are getting some support. Your mum's attitude is sickening. She doesn't deserve you or her grandchildren.

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