Mumsnet Talk

I wasn't addressing the OP but some other charming posters on tbe thread, Molly.

ooh is that a professionally offended accusation?

it seems a lot of you are heaping your own personal baggage on the OP and on this girl whom you don't know. I doubt OP is being rude to her but fair enough doesn't want somebody elses child (either SN or NT Im guessing) always hanging around in her garden uninvited when she is enjoying her own property and space. I agree about securing you gate if possible otherwise chat with her as you can for a few minutes then say bye and see you next time. I wouldn't speak to her parents really as she isn't doing anything wrong per se. if that doesn't work try the back yard I suppose.

175 posts later and no sign of the OP

IMO "it isn't PC" usually precedes statements that are ignorant and a bit offensive.

I do think the OP has reason to be polite to the 12 year old girl actually. Why would you say she didn't?

1) she's a person like anybody else 2) she's a child 3) she has learning difficulties of some kind 4) she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

The OP doesn't have to include her in playing of she doesn't want to,but there really isn't any need to be rude to the little girl about it. (I know you haven't actually been rude OP).

Where did the OP make any suggestion that she felt the girl was unsafe?

And how horrible to suggest that she doesn't have to be polite to a 12 year old. As someone who's then 12 year old was told to fuck off by a middle aged Mercedes driver, when he was doing nothing other than being autistic I think that's a terrible attitude.

It isn't PC but I would go with your gut instinct. I would say that to any situation tbh. If your gut says that your child isn't safe around the 12 year old girl, then go with your gut.

The girl is not your responsibility. You don't have to be polite.

Fanjo that's Andy Capp in't it??

I hate IPhone typing!

...you're under no obligation to interact with her or include her in playing with your daughter.

It wouldn't hurt you to though,and might mean the world to her.

As someone said upthread,I forget who sorry, gentle instructions like "dd likes to play like this..." and so on.

I can understand why you felt a little uncomfortable OP but I think you got the kind of school she goes to and why she goes there confused.

She,as others have said,sounds like she has autism or aspergers. Of course you're under no obligation to

When ds2 was in year 1 he was very good friends with a boy with AS in year 6. Ds2 invited him to his birthday party etc (and he came) they were good buddies.

Many Aspies function at around 2/3 + of their chronological age emotionally. Not intellectually.
So my Aspie at 18 is around 13ish in his ability to socialise and cope with others.

My friend has a DS with aspergers, and he has been friends with my DS2 for years, who is 6 years younger. He is also friends with a boy who is 7 years younger than him.

There was a stage when my friend's son was about 14/15, and getting big and gawky and growing a moustache, when it maybe looked a bit odd to see him playing with 7 and 8 year olds. But they didn't mind: they accepted him as himself - their friend.

I think one of the reason adolescents with learning difficulties enjoy the company of younger children is that they don't get judged so much.

Oh ha ha - just read the hair dye post. Ok I retract my last post as it was a semi serious response to an obvious wind up.

i feel sorry for her being handycapped but you need to do whats right for your lil one if you feel uncomfy then thats what matters

Yep, if you want your 'lil one' to grow up a complete ignoramus suspicious of any slight differences

I'm not sure the lil one has been remotely bothered.

yes thats what "she" must mean

Or Andy Capp pronounced by a Londoner?

images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120216095242/britishcomics/images/b/b7/Andy_capp2.gif

Don't even know what handycapped is, is it wearing a handy little hat?

Haven't you read Tysonsmummy's other thread?
About dyeing her three year old's hair and how most people pierce their child's ears before they are 5?
She pigeon-holes nicely. Yes, I think that handycapped is exactly what she means.

"i feel sorry for her being handycapped"

I like to watch children playing. I hope I don't stare.
My wheelie bin lid blows all over the place every bin day cos the bin men broke it. I alway put it back on.

I must get educated. I really must.

You must educate her and tell her nicely that you are busy with your DD and it's not a good time to be at your house.

i feel sorry for her being handycapped but you need to do whats right for your lil one if you feel uncomfy then thats what matters

It is quite a tricky situation. Having been that odd 12-year-old and now someone who likes privacy in their home, I can sympathise from both sides.

When I was 12, being autistic, I would play with children far younger than myself because unlike my peers, I hadn't grown out of playing with toys and enjoying games. But someone's grandma used to usher her grandchildren away from me, back into their garden, out of the back lane where all the children used to play. She would say, 'She's too old for you' but never addressed me directly. It was hurtful. I was very gentle with small children and very safety conscious. I'd never do any harm.

But, I cannot relax in an area of my home where social interaction may be required by people who don't live here. So, because I have a lovely elderly neighbour who comes to chat in the garden, I cannot relax in the garden. I sympathise with wanting some time away from the outside world when you're in your house and garden.

I don't have a solution, only perhaps some ideas, if the girl tends to be like people who have autism.

You could limit time with the girl, to give her positive attention, but limit the stress for you. For example, tell her that you are playing outside for ten more minutes (or however long) then you are going inside (e.g. to make tea). Then you only have 10 mins each time of interacting with her. However, this also limits your time outside, which isn't ideal.

If she seems awkward about initiating interaction, you could invite her to play for a while and maybe give her specific social suggestions in a kind way, to instruct her on how to continue. E.g. 'You can kick the ball gently to (3-yr-old) if you like, she might like to kick it back.'

If you allow the girl to play for a short time and then ask her to leave, you'll need to be kind but clear, rather than implying. For example, invite her to play until 4.30pm. Be specific. When you say that it's time for her to leave now you could soften this with asking her what she plans to do next, after she leaves, what she enjoys and wish her a good evening with that, just to soften the request to leave.

OP mentioned the girl's school, as a possible piece of information to back up her observation that the girl seemed different. I think that was a logical piece of information to include to help shape advice. If there was a person who disliked people with SN, then suspecting SN and then becoming fairly sure of SN would be a reason to dislike the person. But I think OP is just expressing awkwardness of feeling a social duty to the girl which is conflicting with a guarded sense ownship of her time with her daughter and her home.

I think that knowing a person has SN helps to understand the intention and responsibility of the person, but sometimes we need to be careful not to make it so taboo to criticise a person with SN, that we cannot solve a problem when it arises. As long as it's firmly within the attitude that people are equal, with or without SN, then I think it's ok to admit that someone with SN is causing a problem for you. Then, with understanding, dignity and respect, you can look for a solution that makes the situation easier and is as fair as possible to all. This is what we'd do when no one involved had SN, so that's what we'd do when someone does have SN. We would consider the needs of everyone involved anyway, so it's useful to know what the extra needs are. Logical.

Sorry for the essay!