To tell this woman to f off and buy her own dress?

(432 Posts)
charlmarascoxo Tue 20-Nov-12 21:29:39

I've worked with the same women "Wendy" for around 3 years now, and I am the same age as her daughter "Amelia".

Today Wendy asks me as if it would be possible for me to bring in my wedding dress to work for Amelia to borrow for her wedding. She explained that they were both struggling financially and that Wendy herself was in debt.

My DH has a good job and earns well and we were able to afford to have a lovely wedding and I was able to afford the dress that I wanted. Neither Wendy or Amelia were invited to the wedding, however I have been told by Wendy that they were both looking at the wedding photos on Facebook and how Amelia would love to have the same dress.

I am being a bitch if I refuse? My dress is so special to me and I don't want just anyone wearing it.

Whocansay Fri 23-Nov-12 08:25:17

OP, as far as I can see you've behaved entirely appropriately and as many have said before me, Wendy has some serious boundary issues. Amelia is a rude, entitled arse.

Can I borrow your Unicorn?

wink

ShiftyFades Fri 23-Nov-12 08:36:33

OP, I believe you. There are people like 'Amelia' out there, sadly I've come across a few and ran in the other direction.

My only concern now is Wendy. Is she in a position to make trouble for you? Even if you think she's not, she may well be of the 'She'll get her just desserts' thinking and may try and cause trouble at work for you.
You mention it's a particularly bitchy office.

I would chat to your line manager (or preferably your 2nd line manager) so they are aware of what's happened, just in case..

Can I borrow your diamond saddle? My Unicorn's Platinum one is just not shiny enough, the servants have tried everything, even Brasso, to clean it....

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Fri 23-Nov-12 10:16:25

i would also flag this to a line manager.

MonthlyAFIWish Fri 23-Nov-12 10:42:47

Think what anna said was interesting.

Can I borrow you unicorn to mate with my gold one to produce diamonds?

CrapBag Fri 23-Nov-12 11:08:42

I love Unicorns, can I borrow it too? grin

You don't sound at all smug, I must have missed that post somewhere confused. I also didn't think for a minute that you were enjoying their debt problems or flaunting your wealth over them. Some people on here never fail to amaze me!!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 23-Nov-12 11:23:43

I quite fancy wearing a nice tiara for Christmas dinner; reckon the Queen will lend me one of hers? It's not like she hasn't got loads to choose from.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 11:51:16

I can't believe so many people haven't come across grasping socially inept horrors like Amelia (not so much Wendy) in real life! They are everywhere.

OP YANBU to say no. I think it's utterly bizarre to ask to borrow somebody's wedding dress. Especially someone you don't know well!

I think you should have a word with your superiors and also...tell everyone in the office before you get tagged as the person who ruined darling brat Amelia's wedding day.

Don't think your superiors can do much about Amelia's messages as she's not employed by them (if she is I missed it) and to be fair to Wendy,she was probably mortified that her dd had behaved like that with one of her colleagues,hence not being very chatty the next day.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 23-Nov-12 11:52:47

I don't think you've come across as smug. You'd have only got flack for "drip feeding" information if you'd mentioned your DH having a good job and so on later in the thread.

charlmarascoxo Fri 23-Nov-12 12:40:33

Maryz it would be nice of you to point out where I have come across smug and entitled.

I don't mind people telling me AIBU, because I'm sure to some its just a dress and one I'm never going to wear again so why not. I also don't mind being called smug or entitled IF the person who called me that can actually back it up.

To those who wish to borrow my unicorn, I may lend him out but only if you promise to continue his diet of golden apples followed by swarovski encrusted sugar lumps.

DontmindifIdo Fri 23-Nov-12 13:13:07

Anna - you get it a lot in private sector as well, I work in an environment where PAs earning what normally would be classed as good money (around £30 - 40k) are working closely with partners and consultants earning at least £150k, most more like 2 - 3x that (plus large bonuses). It gives a warped sense of what is normal to spend on things and what "good" or "ok" looks like.

Also if you have a lot of friends who have done far 'better' than you, the idea of what sort of wedding you should have can be completely divorced from the reality of what you can afford. After our wedding one of my family discribed it as 'posh' and I was rather surprised, but then the year before a lot of DH's friends got married, many of them are very successful and they did do the hiring a stately home/exculsive use of 5* hotel type weddings. I thought ours had been rather simple and we'd made a point of setting a budget we could easily afford, but we spent around £20k, which is far more than anyone else in my family had ever spend on a wedding - in relation to what I'd got used to going to, it really wasn't what I thought of as a posh day. If we wanted to completely 'go for it' we could have easily have spent £16k on a venue and not felt we were doing anything outlandish compared to our friendship group.

perceptionreality Fri 23-Nov-12 13:54:44

I also don't think the OP has appeared smug at any time. And as others have said, there are unfortunately plenty of people like Wendy and Amelia in the world.

mamamibbo Fri 23-Nov-12 15:25:32

"in case your bum smellsas bad as your attitude"
im crying now!

I find it funny that I'm reading this thread next to an advert for wedding dresses grin

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 23-Nov-12 17:47:48

Op I wouldnt bother being bothered about what Maryz said, her plan for baiting has backfired... If anyone sounded smug it was her thinking she could round up others to agree with her! think I have seen that before too

I too think you should talk to your manager.

LadyMargolotta Fri 23-Nov-12 17:56:20

'I find it funny that I'm reading this thread next to an advert for wedding dresses'
that's probably not a co-incidence. Forums and emails get scanned for key words and relevant adverts are shown.

Hydrophilic Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:15

YANBU, a reasonable person wouldn't have asked you at all. It's a strange question. I wouldn't lend ANY item of clothing to a stranger. People have different opinions on how an item is returned- some people think it is acceptable to not return it at all or return it dirty and ruined, whereas I think it should be returned in the exact same condition it was lent in.

I don't come across as smug, I think they have come across as entitled.

Maryz Fri 23-Nov-12 23:00:46

"I've heard that Wendy paid the deposit on her daughters house. However whilst planning the wedding Wendy's partner left her and also left her in huge debt. Only a deposit was paid for the venue and they are trying to pay the rest off rather than lose all the money. The venue I've heard is costing around £16,000?"

That's where I thought you began to sound not quite so nice. It was as though you were laughing at her husband leaving then in debt sad. That, along with the facetious comment about her spitting in your tea.

And gimmecakeandcandy, I don't expect a gang to agree with me hmm. I post as I see it, I don't mind who agrees or not. The posts on this thread from the beginning have been exceptionally nasty about someone who asked, quite politely, for a favour, because through no fault of her own (her mum's partner) she is suddenly not able to afford the wedding she would have liked.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 23-Nov-12 23:51:19

Maryz - did you miss the bit where the daughter called the OP a selfish bitch? I'm not sure that fits within my scope of 'asking politely'.

pigletmania Sat 24-Nov-12 00:19:22

That does nt sound smug Mary's, she was just stating factual information.

Maryz Sat 24-Nov-12 09:09:14

Yup, OTheHuge.

That's the bit I don't believe.

I'm not having a go at anyone, I just think it's all a bit farfetched, along with the spit in the coffee comment. I'm entitled to do that, aren't I? I would have gone off and left it, only that some fecker accused meof baiting and trying to get a gang together to back me up which is something I have never done confused

DontmindifIdo Sat 24-Nov-12 09:23:58

Maryz - thing is, those facts are important to why they are asking - it clearly is that they were planning a large wedding they could only just afford, and now it's not likely the mum can still cover the costs that she orginally agreed to. That makes it seem more understandable why they are now asking to borrow the dress.

I think you do seem to be the only one who read that as if the OP was laughing at "Wendy" - more that it does explain why the OP understands Wendy isn't in a good financial position to help out her DD to the level she might have previously promised.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 24-Nov-12 09:25:41

I'm lost!

Why does Amelia want the wedding dress if her partner left her?

Am I missing something?

Ameila's mum Wendy's partner left her. Wendy was paying for the reception, but after the partner left was in financial difficulty.

MerryMarigold Sun 25-Nov-12 22:08:22

Maryz, I'll be in your gang! The OP is selfish, Amelia is right! (although not entirely polite or prudent in pointing it out).

hermioneweasley Sun 25-Nov-12 22:21:49

I have loved this thread.

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