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to dislike this child and consider not letting him be around Ds2?

(44 Posts)
extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 20:20:25

I'm currently living with a friend until I can move myself DH and DCs into a house of our own, hopefully at the beginning of next month.

DFriend's gf lives with him and her son from a previous relationship - I don't especially like him as I find him naughty, rude and aggressive sometimes but he is only 3 so I try to be understanding (hey, my dcs aren't perfect!) and I never let on that I don't really like him.

Despite this I was looking forward to seeing how he would get on with Ds1 and 2 as they and DH came to visit me recently and immediately this boy and Ds1 got on really well. Great. However he seemed to take an instant dislike to Ds2 - I am a bit more protective of Ds2 as he is autistic and non verbal.

This boy seemed the make a point out of tormenting Ds2 - he would constantly hit him 'because he (Ds) was being naughty

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 20:26:03

Sorry, didnt finish!

He kept hitting & kicking Ds for 'being naughty' even when Ds wasn't doing anything, he got him in a headlock & pushed him to the floor, then sat on him - once he put his hands around Ds's throat and was trying to strangle him, basically just being constantly violent to Ds. As well as saying things like ' I hate you' and (to Ds1) 'your brother is stupid' etc..

WIBU to, when we move not allowing Ds2 to have any contact with this boy?

HecatePropylaea Tue 20-Nov-12 20:31:47

Not at all. I wouldn't let him within a mile of my two (also autistic)

What is his mother doing while he's doing this to your child?

cos he is only 3 and it's up to the parents to teach him that this is unacceptable. So while I would as my priority protect my children from anyone who was treating them badly, I'd dislike the parent and not the child. Particularly when the child is only 3 years old.

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 20:36:45

The mum (who I actually really like) tries her best I think - this boy has a tendancy to hit a lot but I think more so with Ds because he won't fight back and can't tell anyone what he is doing - I ended up having to watch him like a hawk because everytime my back was turned he was doing it again!

His mum uses the naughty step but he just doesnt seem to listen and carries on doing it when he gets off :-(

CaliforniaLeaving Tue 20-Nov-12 20:37:49

I wouldn't want contact either, especially if his parents did nothing about the things he was saying/doing.
I would have been right there correcting him the minute he tried to grab my child and he'd have got a telling off for pretty much all you describe. I caught a friend of SIL son (if that makes any sense) attacking my son who was smaller and younger, he was about to slam Ds's head into the floor when I grabbed him, I told him what for and left him looking bewildered on the floor, took Ds back to the table we were eating at (play theme restaurant, or hell on earth as Dh calls it) and let his mother know what I caught him doing, she was mortified and went to get her boy, he got it from her too.

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 20:45:39

I told him off at the time, then his mum told him off and put him on the naughty step but he just wouldnt stop!

Every time I asked him why he did that the answer was the same - 'he was being naughty'.

I do slightly get the feeling that his mum doesnt really take it too seriously as Ds is bigger and older than this boy (Ds2 is 4 Ds1 is 5) and Ds has quite a high pain threshold so he isnt really hurting him but that is sooooo not the point!

HecatePropylaea Tue 20-Nov-12 21:02:09

I think it's clear that the naughty step is ineffective and she needs to start thinking of alternatives.

Perhaps you should talk to her about it and tell her how you feel, if you haven't already.

Everythingwillbeok Tue 20-Nov-12 21:42:17

My friend has a 3y old boy too who is very naughty and also violent,I just had to stop going round to see her because he was such a pain.We now just go to he pub when he is at nursery for some lunch and my DC are at school much easier!

I wonder if the mother treats her DS differently when "nobody is looking" - to be constantly hitting your DS "for being naughty" and to be so physical about it, is learned behaviour surely? and at 3, I would be asking where/why/how he learned it.
Not really to the point regarding his treatment of your DS, I'm wandering off topic, but it just occurred to me. I would keep my DCs well away, but my mind would be working overtime wondering what went on too confused

SundaeGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 21:50:41

Sorry, I haven't really understood your domestic situation. Are your children visitors in his house?

YABU, anyway for 'disliking' a three year old. He's the product of his upbringing and it too you for you to 'dislike' him fgs.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Tue 20-Nov-12 21:51:24

Of course you're not unreasonable, your son can't defend himself and even if the child isn't strong enough to physically harm him your son has the right not to be exposed to that nasty behaviour.

marriedinwhite Tue 20-Nov-12 21:56:05

My DH's sister has/had a child like this. They visited us when he was 3. He was not controlled or guided and had no boundaries. He spent the entire visit kicking off and hitting my DC one of whom was only 16 months. He was never reprimanded by his mother and when I reprimanded him he kicked me. It drove a wedge between MIL and I from which our relationship has never recovered.

Thank God they live in Darwin and have visited only once since. I wouldn't have much more to do with them if you don't have to to be honest.

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 22:34:13

My children were visitors in 'his' house at the time although he hasnt lived there for very long - also not sure how that is relevant to him being violent to my son?

I dont think I'm being unreasonable for disliking someone who treats my child that way, regardless of age.

I do sometimes wonder why he is so aggresive and angry, I know he has struggled with the change in his circumstances (Df's relationship is fairly new still) but from what I understand he has always been like this (hitting a lot etc) so it is not a new development in his behaviour.

I do think the discipline they use for him is ineffective as he pretty much ignores what they say, maybe a stricter application would help? I havent really discussed him with his mum as I really get the impression that any critisism of her baby would not be well received - she wont even let Df (her bf) tell him off half the time!

SundaeGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 22:59:41

That's quite a lot of turbulence for a child, don't you think? You seem to be expecting a lot from a three year old.

I can't really work out your domestic situation so maybe there's a chance he can't either. Who is this woman in my house (who I'm getting bad vibes from - she 'dislikes' me)? Is this really my home? Who are these other children? What is their relationship to me? And so on.

HE'S THREE. YABU.

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 23:10:19

I'm sorry I still dont think the fact that he is three is an acceptable excuse for his behaviour towards my son!

Do you expect me to say 'oh ok because you are only 3 and your family situation has been different to mine its ok for you to strangle, kick, punch, slap, pinch, scratch or push my son, who cant defend himself or even tell anyone what you are doing to him?'

Because if that is what you are suggesting then YABVU!!

Like I said I have never let on that I dont like him so I'm not sure what you're insinuating there?

It is not my Ds's fault that he is going through a lot of upheaval at the moment (which he is and I understand that) but I refuse to let my child be his punchbag while he comes to terms with that.

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Tue 20-Nov-12 23:13:42

I agree it all sounds very uncomfortable for everyone. Maybe better not to have your children around him?

Spero Tue 20-Nov-12 23:14:13

He is only three, so I don't think he can be seen as a having any moral agency and therefore you are unreasonable to 'dislike' him.

But you are not remotely unreasonable to want to protect your child from him.

But don't waste your energy 'disliking' such a young child - you need to get those responsible for him to notice and do something about his behaviour, the sooner the better.

SundaeGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 23:24:28

Sorry, I just don't think you are taking responsibility for your role in his disruption.

What are you doing there? (That's probably what he's thinking too). And you really should be more grown up than to dislike a three year old.

WorraLiberty Tue 20-Nov-12 23:30:47

Look I think if most of us are honest there are children we've come across in life who we haven't liked...for whatever reason.

Just because a child is a child, that doesn't automatically mean everyone has to like them...especially when they display such bad behaviour.

Granted it's not the child's fault if his parents can't get a handle on the way he behaves but there you go.

OP YANBU to want to distance him from your DS2 until such time that he learns to stop being so violent and your child is able to speak to you about how he feels.

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:20

Well FWIW I didnt really want to be in this situation but circumstances are such that I have to be until the end of the month - I was actually living here first, before the gf & her son moved in but there we go.

It is not ideal but my friend was kind and generous enough to offer me a place to stay and I wasnt in a position to turn it down.

If you really must know I have moved 300 miles across the country for a job opportunity that came up so suddenly I didnt have the money for a rental deposit on a house for me, DH & DC's hence I moved in with a friend until I could find a place for us.

Out of curiosity what do you think is the threshold for children to not be excused for violent behaviour? 3 is ok, what about when he gets to 4 or 5? Is it not ok then? Where would you draw the line, especially if it was YOUR vunerable sn child being bullied?

extremepie Tue 20-Nov-12 23:48:35

Well put worra :-)

OK, clearly it's not ok for this child to hit your son and as a parent with a 3 year old DS who gets overexcited and will not stop when in that frame of mind I can imagine my DS getting in this situation.

However he is a child who needs to learn, and you can't "dislike" him for not having learnt better yet, help him to learn!

Lastly, I have a cousin who is autistic and when my DD was small she became very frightened of my cousin and hit her, she couldn't explain herself other than to say the cousin was "naughty, bad"!! and this was very out of character I think she was frightened because my cousin did not react the same as the other people she had met and this really frightened her.

Best suggestion protect both of them from the situation rising again.

Sorry you have ended up in this situation. smile

pigletmania Wed 21-Nov-12 00:21:10

YANBU at all. Well put worra, just be pause he is a child does not mean we ave to like them. I didn't particularly like my friends ds. 5 who is quite rude and nasty to dd who has ASD for much the same reason as this boy is towards op ds. Te friend methods sound very I affective, I would meet up without the kds. I would not want my chi,d around someone who makes thm feel bad however old they are. For the record I would never show my friends ds that I am no keen on him

extremepie Wed 21-Nov-12 00:27:14

You are right in that I do need to help him to learn its just that I cant help getting overprotective about Ds as he needs me to stick up for him because he cant do it himself.

I can understand 3yr olds sometimes get worked up and accidents happen but this really isnt like that - its hard to explain but as an example this boy (lets call him A) came down first thing in the morning, ds was already downstairs standing in the living room watching tv. A walks up and starts punching & kicking him for no reason! When I asked him why he said he was being naughty.

He would also takes Ds own toys off him then punch him for 'being naughty'.

Does that make any sense?

hb84 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:34:09

I know plenty of children I don't like. Children are people with personalities, too, and you don't have to like them all just because they're small.

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