To ask if anyone has regretting having / not having children?

(205 Posts)
Cherryontop99 Mon 19-Nov-12 12:37:12

That's it really.
Has anyone regretted their decision, either way.
I'm just in the decision making process myself which is why I ask.

Pinot Mon 19-Nov-12 14:32:48

The humdrum of life can be monotonous and dull.

The endless cleaning and tidying and nagging.

The blah of kids interests and being tied down.

But then you have a day like I experienced last week, when my DS1 was beaten up at school, and the force of feelings you have - the gutteral, primal roar through your body that someone dared hurt your child.

Well. To put it mildly, I am grateful in every way that I am a Mother and get to experience emotions that strong and that passionate.

And this week, watching him return to school after chest x-rays and a week of resting his bruised ribs - to say my heart nearly burst with pride is underplaying how emotional I feel.

I am unbelievably proud to be a Mum, to all of my sons.

DeWe Mon 19-Nov-12 14:33:56

My dparents had friends who decided when they got married in their 20s that they didn't want dc, and she even got her tubes tied.

At round about 40yo she suddenly felt she was missing out and they had them untied and were ttc, but didn't manage.

They're now in the position that their couple friends are having grandchildren and finding it very hard, much harder than when their friends were having children in fact.
I think they're both only children, and they now have almost no family at all, and their friends are having their families growing. I know dparents try not to talk about grandchildren round them, but it seems to be effecting them more and more.

That's the only story I have on people who regret having/not having children.

TheBlackPanther Mon 19-Nov-12 14:35:22

well said pinot!

lostconfusedwhatnext Mon 19-Nov-12 14:39:17

I love my children very much, but the business of bearing them and the early years nearly broke me. I am not sure if it was the right thing to do. I can't bear to imagine being without them but I think it was a bit foolish to think I could survive it all, and selfish to go ahead with it, hoping, rather than taking the cautious path and accepting loneliness and emptiness that would have hurt nobody but myself. Too late. We're here now

maillotjaune Mon 19-Nov-12 14:45:50

OP I was like you at 31 (had always thought i'd want children at 30, then got there and still felt too younggrin).

It was around 31 that I thought we should try as there was never going to be a better time. I don't regret it, although earlier on I think I missed my old life more. 11 years and 3 children later the only thing I regret is not having done it sooner, mainly due to the age that gps now are and my worry that they are starting to age but I have less time to help them.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Mon 19-Nov-12 16:14:42

Oh Pinot Your poor DS. How dreadful for you. Hope he is feeling better.

BsshBossh Mon 19-Nov-12 18:08:14

I don't regret DD at all. She was planned but I was indifferent about having children. But I'm really enjoying her.

I see my life as comprised of phases. Parenting a small child is the current phase I find myself in. Prior to DD I worked long hours, travelled the world extensively, went out all the time; prior to that I was studying hard and enjoying loads of hobbies. Now I'm a parent I am still travelling, though not as frequently, and have changed careers so I can work more flexibly. Soon DD will be a teenager and much more independent and life will enter another phase for me.

The key, for me, is to enjoy and make the most of each phase and then be ready for it all to change. When I'm on my deathbed I hope I can say, "Wow, what a varied life I led!"

thebody Mon 19-Nov-12 18:18:17

Got 4 Dcs, never regretted it for an instant. But then how can you regret the unknown? Been a mom for 23 years so can't imagine not having my kids.

motherinferior Mon 19-Nov-12 18:21:46

Parenthood is frequently incredibly boring. This I do find hard.

MardyArsedMidlander Mon 19-Nov-12 18:24:20

Gd, we are not just here to procreate- if that was the case we'd all be dead after the menopause wink

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 19-Nov-12 18:33:15

I fell pregnant at 18, had DS when I was 19, was in an abusive relationship, ds has SN and I was still at Uni too. I'd still do it all over again if given the choice.

thebody Mon 19-Nov-12 19:08:14

Oh Pinot, do sooo agree.. Hope your ds ok

BinksToEnlightenment Mon 19-Nov-12 19:21:22

Honestly? Yes. I have regretted having a baby. I have found the prospect of being responsible for another human being forever and ever and always coming second and not sleeping properly for years and just felt so overwhelmed that I want to get on a plane and escape. It's not a constant thought. But I will admit to thinking it.

I would never ever ever change it back though. It's worth it.

womblesmissus Mon 19-Nov-12 21:45:15

"But when you strip us back to basics, like the rest of the animal kingdom, our purpose is to procreate"

...Or maybe we have evolved beyond the rest of the animal kingdom and that's why those of us who can't procreate can still have meaning and purpose in our lives.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 19-Nov-12 21:50:44

I'm expecting my first child and I regret not having children sooner I can't want for baby to arrive and to get started on the next

EasilyBored Mon 19-Nov-12 21:54:26

I dont regret having DS, but every now and again I wish I had waited a couple more years. It's normal to miss bits of your life 'before', but I wouldn't change anything. Yes, at times it can be really dull, and it is by far the most exhausting and hardest thing I've ever done. But it does have moments of just pure happiness and wonder. DS is so much his own person, even at only 11 months, and I marvel all the time about how he learns new things, and what he finds funny etc. Plus, I grew him from scratch! Which is very cool.

shellshock7 Mon 19-Nov-12 22:19:44

I was a total party animal and extremely independent all my adult life, was never gonna settle down. Loved being an auntie but that just confirmed I never wanted kids of my own iyswim.
Met DH at 28, engaged within a year, married year later....he defo wanted kids and we started tryin not long after wedding, if I'm completely honest I wasn't 100% sure but I knew he was and I wasn't totally against it anymore.
I got pregnant straight away and had MMC at 10 weeks, bloody hell from that moment on I wanted a child so strongly it was a very hard time for us.
DS is 8 months now and being a mum is by a country mile the best thing I have ever done. I do not have one negative to give you (except for the birth but you didn't ask abt that wink), he brings me and everyone in our lives so much joy everyday he has changed my entire families lives, it is wonderful smile We started trying for DC2 when DS was 6 months and if we are lucky enough, I don't know how I will stop having more and more grin

Ponyofdoom Mon 19-Nov-12 22:28:40

Exit, YOUR purpose might be to procreate- its not everyone's thankfully! There are far too many people in the World as it is. Some of us have very full lives without children. I have been childfree all my life and can't think of anything worse than procreating. I enjoy sports, friends, campaigning, plus a million and one things and at 42 have no regrets at being childfree; in fact I often thank my lucky stars.

Hmmm, finding the statements 'our purpose is to procreate' and 'dcs give meaning to life' a little hard to stomach <paraphrasing>.

having said that, my bestest friend gave birth to a little baby girl today, 6 pounds, so am feeling a bit emotional generally smile

BuddyTheChristmasElf Mon 19-Nov-12 22:34:18

"Gd, we are not just here to procreate- if that was the case we'd all be dead after the menopause "

in anthropology theories the reason women have a menopause and survive is to help with the grandkids so their DNA is sucessful and lives on once they die!
- just sayin!

Mathsdidi Mon 19-Nov-12 22:40:29

I've never regretted my kids for a second. My life would have been easier if dd1 had arrived a few years later but really she was the reason I got myself together to actually achieve things in my life rather than drifting.

I might regret not having a third. It is the only thing I think I will regret in my life, but I am not having much luck persuading dp that a third child is a good idea sad

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Mon 19-Nov-12 22:40:33

Oh please - I didn't say it was our purpose, just if we stripped ourselves back to the animal kingdom procreation is the main driving force of existence. As Gore Vidal said in his novel Two Sisters, children are our link with eternity. I remember the powerful feeling that evoked in me when I read it before I had DD.

Sigh. Tis hard to have an existential conversation on here.

Ponyofdoom Mon 19-Nov-12 22:45:17

Actually one of many reasons I am childfree is because as an antinatalist I think it's cruel to bring children into the world to suffer and die. But I felt that was a bit too deep.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Mon 19-Nov-12 22:48:05

Seriously?

ByTheSea Mon 19-Nov-12 22:48:58

I've done quite a bit in my life, but having DC is by far the best thing I've ever done.

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