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To worry that my life will be horrible if I have kids.

(118 Posts)
Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 19:43:23

I do want children, but I'm pretty worried that I might hate my new life if it happens. I really like relaxing and being able to go out in the evening without paying a babysitter. What if they completely take over my life and I am a good mum and I love them to death but deep down I want my old life back and feel angry at them for taking away freedom?

YANBU - In fact you are being very sensible to weigh up the pros and cons very carefully prior to having children. There was a thread a month or two back about people regretting having children. It was quite sad, in fact I sobbed my way through it, and posted on it. Admittedly I suffered PND and still have mild depression, but in a nutshell I wish I hadn't rushed into having children. I married at 21 and had DS1 just before my 25th birthday. I really miss my carefree, childfree days and whilst I love and adore my children, they changed my life in every possible way and changed the person I am (not entirely for the better I have to admit) so I wish I had postponed having children until around now - perhaps if I'd lived my life a bit more beforehand I'd feel fewer regrets (regarding career/ travelling/ general fun etc) now. I have one group of friends who had children young and another group who are just starting to have theirs now. I wish I fitted into the latter group as I do think I missed out. I gravitated more towards the ones who had kids as they could sympathise. However, I'm hoping that when my boys are old enough to be left at home alone I will still be energetic enough to go out and enjoy myself! smile

motherinferior Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:41

I had my first at 37.

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:19:08

OP - you're only 27!! You've only had the first of your friends have a baby, give it 3 years, you'll all have your 30ths, then start buying big houses rather than cool flats and more friends will have DCs, and you'll start to either know it's for you, or know it's not.

You'll start having to meet your friends for lunch rather than after work drinks because they've got to be back for nursery pick up. You'll find yourself in conversations about prep schools and catchments without planning on it.

Honestly, it's too soon to call it - life is going to change in the next 3-4 years anyway whatever you do!

stinkinseamonkey Sun 18-Nov-12 20:19:08

Just wait OP, 2 or 4 or 6 years can make a huge difference and you'll still be fairly young

a friend of mine had had hers before she was "over" being young and free, and she always thought the grass was greener and she'd be living the high life if she hadn't had kids.. I used to think "ffs look at the rest of us, we're your age and we're not backpacking round india any more or out every night either and we haven't had kids yet, what makes you think you still would at this age? it gets old! crashing in hostels or on people's couches gets old!" , but I don't think she will ever get over the issue of her freedom being taken away a bit earlier than she was ready for... even when her kids were old enough for her to have MORE freedom than her friends because her kids were nearly teens and ours were babies we were stuck in with, she still felt hard done by.

She wasn't ready, it's better to get to the stage where you are a bit bored of "freedom" anyway before having kids otherwise you never believe that the novelty really does wear off

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:18

stinkinseamonkey: Excellent advice, wait until your properly bored of "freedom". Love it.

Wow I am going to post on mumsnet more often!

ISingSoprano Sun 18-Nov-12 20:22:31

' what if the completely take over my life ' there's no if about it. They do and will. but more often than not it's in a good way.

' but deep down I want my old life back and feel angry at them for taking away my freedom ' yep - everyone feels like that at sometime. It's normal. Most of the time you will relish the moments when they wrap their arms around you because you are the centre of their universe.

Everlong Sun 18-Nov-12 20:23:22

Ok op I'm sorry for being a bit of a caah.

I would say that whenever you have them it's beyond life changing and you wouldn't have it any other way. You don't want to be apart from them and you will fall madly in love with them. But once they're here, that's it, it's no going back. So get all your relaxing, going out on the spur of the moment, doing what you like, done now.

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:24:47

"but deep down I want my old life back and feel angry at them for taking away my freedom ' yep - everyone feels like that at sometime. It's normal. Most of the time you will relish the moments when they wrap their arms around you because you are the centre of their universe. "

You touched the old heart there soppy

....I want them now!! ;)

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:01

Other thing is, late 20s/early 30s is when a lot of careers go crazy - this is when the people you knew from Uni who were bright and a good laugh suddenly start working all the hours god sends and not going out much either. It's also good if you are career minded to not miss out on these few years - get yourself in a strong position so if you do decide in 4 or so years to have a family that it'll be easier for you to go back to work on terms that suits you.

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:58

Everlong: No need to say sorry, I think your totally right.

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:27:01

ISing - DS (2) told me the other day that "you're my best friend mummy" it totally made up for the fact that earlier in the day he told me he didn't need the loo just 1 minute before pooing in his pants while we were out shopping...

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:14

Another good point: career, I'm a newly qualified cognitive behavioural therapist...but would like to be earning more money and move up the ladder a bit more.

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:27

oh yes, and OP - have lots of sex on Sunday Mornings. Sunday morning shags stop being an option when you have DCs. Only thing I really miss of my old life!

stinkinseamonkey Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:10

yes it's odd isn't it dontmindifIdo, the biggest feckless pissheads from uni, who could always be relied on for a spur of the moment night out, are suddenly pulling 16 hour days and investing in flats etc and boring the arse off you about their job grin

crazypaving Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:39

FromEsme I wasn't asking the OP what her life would look like without children as some kind of way of hinting that it would definitely be sad and lonely. For some people, life without children would be great. It's a question to ask yourself before diving in, IMO. If it would be fine, great - don't have children. If it would seem a bit empty, that's telling you something maybe.

MrsMelon Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:13

After a work hard, play hard, travel the world 20's I had my first baby at 31 and I rarely miss the old life and happy being a SAHM.

It definitely helps to feel like you have already lived before you have kids! Between the ages of 30 and 35 pretty much everyone I've ever known had a baby or two, it just goes bang once you hit 30.

stinkinseamonkey Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:35

yeah have morning sex!, that's one thing that never got dull and I miss it! :-(
Had some good morning sex about 18 months ago when my mum had the DC for a night and we went and stayed in a b&b - its still good!

Chubfuddler Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:51

It doesn't have to be career or children. I did my LPC while pregnant, qualified as a solicitor when DS was three. Have had another baby since. I've had my children and am now able to give my career full throttle and I'm still under 35. There's something to be said for having children at under 30.

littlewhitebag Sun 18-Nov-12 20:32:27

If you think life with kids will be horrible then don't have them. Life with kids is NOT horrible when you are ready for them and want them.

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:35:55

No i don't think life will be horrible if i have them, im just well aware that i have no real idea what it will be like, so don't want to assume it will be all sweetness and light.

I was a nanny for 4 children ages between 1-8 for a good few years...I would NEVER have 4, but wow it was HARD work.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 18-Nov-12 20:36:02

People I know who have struggled are the ones who kept putting it off and had kids late.
They were so settled in their lives and their relationships that it was an utter shock.

I had DS1 at 31, I had just got married and recently moved house. One more change among changes was easier to absorb than him landing like a bombshell into 10 years of peace and calm! grin
But to begin with you do think 'WTF have we done? Will I ever eat a meal in peace again or be able to read a book?'.

It gets easier as they get older though, and there is nothing on this earth that I would rather have than my lovely boys. They are my joy and I adore them.

bedmonster Sun 18-Nov-12 20:38:21

Only one of my friends has a baby. Sometimes I'm jealous, other times I'm SO glad I'm not her

This is the same but in reverse for me. 2 of my close group of friends don't have babies and when we're out on a night out I do feel so jealous that they will be able to sleep off their hangovers the next day and then go out for a fry up when they see fit. I get woken up at 6.30 (on a good day wink) and hit the ground running.

However I do know that I am so glad to be me the majority of the time.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Only you know whether or not you even want babies. For me, I was 27 when I had my 3rd DC and that felt absolutely ancient. 27 isn't very young really. Mine have completely taken over my life, but that's what they do. It's really up to you to decide whether or not you're prepared to give up some of your freedom.

I love the fact that in by the time i'm 40, my eldest DD will be 21 and youngest DS 13, and I should hopefully begin to regain some of mine rather than just starting with nappies smile (Unless my daughter has decided to make me a granny by then confused)

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 18-Nov-12 20:38:45

But don't leave it 8-10 years, that is old if you then have problems conceiving.

choceyes Sun 18-Nov-12 20:40:00

I love my kids to bits but I do yearn for my childfree days. Being a mother is the most stressful, hard, frustrating, sometimes boringjob I've ever done. My dcs are 4 and 2 though so still needs intensive parenting.Also having the grandparents near really help if they are good with them. Ours are far away so we don't have that option.

Chubfuddler Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:19

I agree with bed monster. When I am 40 my children will be 12 and 8 and I will still be relatively young.

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