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To worry that my life will be horrible if I have kids.

(118 Posts)
Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 19:43:23

I do want children, but I'm pretty worried that I might hate my new life if it happens. I really like relaxing and being able to go out in the evening without paying a babysitter. What if they completely take over my life and I am a good mum and I love them to death but deep down I want my old life back and feel angry at them for taking away freedom?

27? Start wondering about this in 8-10 years time. I didn't want monogamy until I was 29, nevermind kids.

fufulina Sun 18-Nov-12 20:02:07

If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I'd do it. My career is shafted, my relationship is struggling, and although gorgeous, clearly, the dds take every last single bit of everything out of me.

Think very very carefully, because very few people admit to not enjoying it, or wishing they had taken a different path.

porridgewithalmondmilk Sun 18-Nov-12 20:02:11

Peers having children is obviously not a good reason to have them.

However, is it really such a bad idea to have a child because without one, life feels empty? Genuine question, not challenge smile

katiecubs Sun 18-Nov-12 20:02:45

Yep it's a trade off so you shouldn't do it until you are ready.

I still get moments when I wish I could just pootle off to the pub or kick back on the sofa with a magazine but overall it's so so worth it. I love DS in way that I never knew was possible!

LaCiccolina Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:04

How old are you? I had zip idea what a child entailed. I would never have believed it either.

I have moments when I think similar but mostly I don't. Life's just different now and frankly incomparable in a better way. It's right to be scared but then most change is scary.

I won't bother to say what it's like as that's my story and yours will be your own. It's like starting anything new, you learn quick and slog on really! You would be ok because you just would be. You would find ways to cope and enjoy life, we aren't doing anything that remarkable (well we are but I won't over egg a pudd!). It's has been done for years!!!

Everlong Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:07

Don't bloody have them then.

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:37

Excellent advice, Everlong .

hmm

LaCiccolina Sun 18-Nov-12 20:05:06

27 is a good age if u r ready. Only u can decide that.

stinkinseamonkey Sun 18-Nov-12 20:05:18

my friends who are the same age as us and haven't had kids who I used to go out with lots prior to kids have also stopped going out all the time in favour of early nights and a good book too!

DH has one friend who is still doing it but he's hanging around with 20 year olds (because they're the only ones that want to go out that much) and its beginning to get a bit cringy now. He's a really lovely bloke but it's not a good look!

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:29

It's not for no reason that most of mine and DH's friends had their first DCs at 30 or 31 - 27 you'll be having the first wave of babies arrive in your group of friends - by 32 you'll find that even if you are without DCs you'll end up still having to plan nights out round babysitting, just someone else's wink

I'd say you're not ready yet, reassess how you feel in 5 years time. In the meantime, focus on your career and savings, then if you do decide you want DCs between now and then, you'll be in a better position. Trust me, having the money to pay for a regular babysitter, cleaner etc without worrying about it will make being a new mum so much more pleasant.

MorrisZapp Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:38

Having a kid is so, so hard. I put it off until my late 30s, then went for it before it was too late.

I miss my old life every day, to be honest. That'll change as DS gets bigger and more independent, but that means wishing his early years away, which you Aren't Supposed to Do.

It changes everything. Absolutely everything. You are allowed just to not do it if you don't fancy it.

QuiteQuiet Sun 18-Nov-12 20:07:07

I have to run as my children are throwing things at each other, they do take over your life, I love mine though, most of the time. grin It's a whole new different life!!!

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:08:42

I know I'm not ready yet and need a few more years, but I'm married, don't enjoy going out on the lash anymore...kind of just starting to feel like a "proper grownup", guess where all this is coming from.

Wait 8-10years!! I'd be too scared I would not be able to fall pregnant.

My life does not feel empty now, but if i was 35-40 and no kids, my life would have a big gap in it.

I just want to make the right decision really.

Only one of my friends has a baby. Sometimes I'm jealous, other times I'm SO glad I'm not her.

QuiteQuiet Sun 18-Nov-12 20:09:12

I had my first at 27, if I could do it all again I would have waited until 30, not married the same man but have the same children confused

BertieBotts Germany Sun 18-Nov-12 20:09:24

I didn't think that would bother me (what you describe in your OP) but it does, a lot sad

YY the right partner is absolutely essential. Nothing else is more important - even if that right partner is no partner at all - the wrong partner just makes it all ridiculously hard, and you can do ot alone if you have to, but it's easier to have someone supportive there.

Also remember that if you have a supportive partner you don't lose nearly as much freedom, as if you have an unsupportive one (or none at all). When DP is here (he works away at the moment) I am free to go out in the evening, provided he has not planned to go out first (Which is rare, TBH) and I don't have to pay a babysitter or worry about what time to be back. I can pop to the shop in the evening, or in the day, without taking DS. I can have a lie in if I need to, provided he's here grin I can take on new things like a course or hobby or doing overtime at work and if I'm feeling crappy he picks up the slack. It goes without saying that I do the same for him too, although it's more noticeable for me because I'm usually the one on my own with DS.

Everlong Sun 18-Nov-12 20:11:02

Ok let's all pander to the OP then.

' what if the completely take over my life ' there's no if about it. They do and will.

' but deep down I want my old life back and feel angry at them for taking away my freedom ' what are we supposed to say to that?

FrillyMilly Sun 18-Nov-12 20:13:00

The lack of freedom doesn't last forever (although then you have number 2!). I'm 26 and my eldest is 4. No you don't get to go out all the time but you can still do it as long as you have willing babysitters. I was never a going out to the pub person though anyway. I'd rather sit in with a glass bottle of wine and watch TV.

motherinferior Sun 18-Nov-12 20:13:08

Agree with Morris.

Morris, it does get easier, though. But yes, I miss my old life. I would like not to have the constant worry and hassle and expense and boredom of children. I love the Inferiorettes but parenting is enormously stressful quite a lot of the time.

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:13:14

YANBU to worry. Having kids really does turn your life upside down.

I used to be a nanny and was so sure I would be fine, good at parenting and the kind of 50's mum I imagined my kids needed.

I am not.

Take your time but tbh most people are great and just know when they are ready.

motherinferior Sun 18-Nov-12 20:13:44

I do want my old life back. Less often than I used to.

Buddhagirl Sun 18-Nov-12 20:13:48

Don't pander too me! Give it to me straight...I'm aware I'm confused about this and def don't have all the answers....main reason why i would not consider getting pregnant now!

littlewhitebag Sun 18-Nov-12 20:14:11

You still have freedom when you have kids albeit not quite in the way you do now. I managed to do a degree and a PD diploma with kids, not to mention having a very active social life. My kids are ages 20 and 14 now and it has got so boring that i got a puppy to focus my attention on. Kids enrich your life - they don't spoil it.

Chubfuddler Sun 18-Nov-12 20:15:46

27 isn't all that young to be contemplating a first child. I started trying at 25 and DS wasn't born until I was 28. It can take a while.

I don't think you'll ever tea h a moment when you've had all your fun and are happy to spend all your time doing baking/craft/toddler shit. I'm still me but I'm a mother of two as well. If your identity is important to you (and it should be) keep working and make sure your partner pulls his weight. That will see you through a lot.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Sun 18-Nov-12 20:15:57

I wouldn't be so fussed about losing the social life, but I'm a worrier too. Not made my mind up yet, am 33. <sound of ovaries shrivelling> You're not alone OP.

greeneyed Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:14

YANBU - your life WILL be horrible - some of the time anyway - Your life will no longer be your own whilst they are little. I love mine and no regrets but depending on your child and their needs, your financial situation, partner and extended support it will be hard, bloody hard or mostly hard smile My career is also shafted, I piss myself when I cough, I'm poor and I buy all my clothes from the supermarket these days. This is all however academic for me personally as it was not a choice I would have shriveled and died (inside anyway) if I hadn't had any - I reached an age and time in my life where it was imperative for me to be a mum - I wasn't asking the type of questions you are now - maybe wait a bit.

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