My mum wants to be allowed in my house. I'm not sure. Aibu?

[Vivalebeaver]

Quick background. My mum is quite toxic, always has been always will be. She didn't talk to me for six months when I was pg as Dh was only my dp then. She has in the past been nasty to my brother to the extent he didn't have anything to do with her for 5 years. Yesterday she was insinuating my 21yo step brother is a peadophile because he took my dd out for the afternoon. He's lovely, my mum just doesn't like him because of who he is, don't think she's ever met him. My parents are divorced and have been for some years.



Two years ago I was admitted into hospitAl one weekend as my back went, badly went. My mum was unsympathetic and told me to grit my teeth and carry on.

On the Thursday I'm still in hospital. Dh has Been managing on his own, working and looking after dd. I got a call from the cm saying dd was feeling sick and could someone come and get her. I rang Dh and told him to leave work, but he's over an hour away so I rang mum as well and asked her to get dd, take her home and wait till Dh got home.

So a while later I rang home to see how dd was. Dh still wasn't back. Dd answered the phone and was crying, saying that grandma was going mad and was bleaching everything in her bedroom. I could hear my mum ranting in the background. I rang Dh who said he was only 5mins away and told him what was happening. Dh says when he got there my mum started having a go saying the house was filthy. It was not filthy, dds bedroom sounds like it was messy and when my mum pulled her bed away from the wall there was dust, cobwebs down there. Dh told her to stop shouting, pointed out she hadn't been asked to come round and clean. Mum at that point flounced out and said she would never come back.

She hasn't been back. She was rude and nasty to me on the phone about the situation and I considered cutting ties with her. But agreed to continue seeing her away from my home. It's been bliss to be honest. I see her on my terms, at her house or we meet for coffee.

I rang her last night to see if she wants to meet up this afternoon. She said she's been thinking and has decided she would like to start coming here again, she thinks she will see more of me and dd if she can come here. I changed the subject.

But I know she'll bring it up this afternoon and I just don't want her here. I think she's realised she'll be on her own at Xmas again. So she's hoping she'll get invited here on Xmas day. Before I changed the subject I did point out that she said shed never come back as she couldn't stand "the mess" in my house. She said that she would promise not to comment and would close her eyes to it.

She makes me sound like a real slattern but its not that bad. Kitchen and bathroom are clean, floors are hoovered a few times a week. There is some clutter I admit that. But not loads.

What do I do?

[HecatePropylaea]

Hell no.

I'm just surprised she's still in your life at all.

[picnicbasketcase]

She sounds loopy. Personally I wouldn't have someone who behaves like that in my house, regardless of what relation they wee to me.

[squeakytoy]

Why would you want to cave in and allow her back? She doesnt sound as though she is going to bring any joy to your life, or there will be any benefit to your daughter by having her in her life either. Unless your house is a filthy dump, which is doesnt sound as though it is, it is none of her bloody business.

The comment about your stepbrother is also quite vile too.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Personally I don't think you should be asking her for childcare, as it blurs the boundaries that you prefer to have. I don't think you can entirely pick and choose the bits you want, if you rely on her in any way.

I wouldn't want to have someone looking after my child, who I felt was toxic, or unstable.

So, on the basis of what you've said (am presuming that you want to continue some contact with her), I would let her visit but not let her child mind and would call a halt if she started going on about the house again and would then keep visits to coffee shops etc.

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

God no, who needs that judgement - you do realise she'll be eye rolling and drawing attention to the fact she's NOT looking.

Who needs that shit.

[Rockchick1984]

Agree with Hecate I personally couldn't cope with someone like that in my life - do you really want DD exposed to your mum's attitudes? What if she makes pedophilia comments again but in front of DD or worse, your stepson? How would he feel about the implications she made?

My MIl is very similar to this, I support DH in trying to keep the relationship going as that's what he wants but it hurts me to see him being treated this way, and I keep DS away from them as I don't want him experiencing the same treatment!

[Vivalebeaver]

Karma, she doesn't childmind, she doesn't even babysit. It was a one off as dd was sick and I was in hospital and Dh was a distance away.

At the time we had a childminder who dd was with.

Dd's old enough to not need a childminder now. If me and Dh go out in the evening the next door teen babysits.

[procrastinor]

No. Because she would only manage to keep quiet for one maybe two visits and then she would go back to her old ways. Also you want to feel comfortable in your own home and not be judged (not saying you're a hoarder or anything).

As for Christmas, no no and some more no.

[Vivalebeaver]

She's very clever, sly with the comments.

All she said about my stepbrother was "I'm surprised someone his age wants to spend time with an 11yo girl"

In anyone else it could have been an innocent comment and that she meant it was nice that dd got on with my step brother so well. If I'd pulled her up on it that's what she'd have said. But I know what she's like and I know what's she's insinuating.

[OwedToAutumn]

You asked her for a small favour in a family crisis, and she set about doing what she could to make the situation worse.

I would point this out to her, and explain that you feel it will take a lot before you can trust her not to do the same sort of thing again.

If she spends Christmas on her own, she will be living with the consequences of her own actions. Life's a bitch, isn't it?

[Vivalebeaver]

Right, sounds like I'm not been unreasonable to feel this way.

I'll have to grow a pair and tell her this afternoon. Dreading this, I imagine the reaction won't be good.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Viva - the way you have written it, if you read it quickly, sounds like this was recently, so you might get some confusing replies :)

Stand your ground, tell her it's not about what she wants, it's about what you want & how much you are prepared to compromise. What you wanted was no contact, but you compromised to what you have now and that is how it's going to stay. End of.

[Princessishavingababyboo]

The thing I noticed the most, she was not at all apologetic about her behaviour and comments, in fact as she will 'close her eyes' to the mess says to me she is still in the exact same mind set as she always was. I would not let this woman near my house! If pie brings it up I would change the subject or you could just say no.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Why would you want someone as toxic and unpredictable in your life, qand more importantly that of your DD?
IMO it was a poor judgement call a couple of years ago, she'd have been safer at the CM until your OH came to get her than letting your mother take care of your DD when she was ill. She got to be ill, terrified and have her room invaded. You were in pain and possibly not thinking clearly, but that is not the case now.
If you must, see your mother out of the home in a neutral area where you can walk away if necessary, a restaurant for Boxing day for example.but FFS why expose your DD to someone you describe as toxic? DD should be your first thought!

[Princessishavingababyboo]

She not pie

[TheNebulousBoojum]

'I'll have to grow a pair and tell her this afternoon. Dreading this, I imagine the reaction won't be good.'

Welcome to being a parent. What will she do, rant at you a bit? Froth?
Batter you? Then call the police.
Get a backbone, your daughter needs a reliable adult who will not put her in a horrible situation that could be avoided if you only had the courage.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I would not want this woman in my life at all. Ask yourself honestly - what positive does this relationship add to your life?

[cees]

Your mother is awful, keep her away from your child. She is only kissing your ass now because she wants an invite for Christmas. Tell her no and stick to it.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

I don't normally come out with this one but manically bleaching a bedroom to get rid of cobwebs and dust? is she OCD? I rarely used the MH card either but ...... there are times when you just think 'ah, a little medical intervention might be useful'

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Feeling guilty? Take her out to lunch for Christmas if you must.

[sonnybeaudelaire]

Ceres is quite right. Even worse, if you relent now, especially regarding Christmas, you'll be in danger of setting a precedent. Do you really want her at yours for Christmas for the next 20 years, forcing everyone to walk on eggshells?

She is an adult and has made her choices regarding attitudes and behaviours (I am guessing from your post that there are a lot of other toxic examples from the past you could draw on). I would suggest that your priority is your DH and DD, which you know anyway.

Good luck in holding your resolve!

[Vivalebeaver]

Princess, you're right - she isn't apologetic at all.

[hippoCritt]

You may dread telling her but if you don't you'll end up dreading Christmas I guess

[Sallyingforth]

I think the bit about 'she would close her eyes to it' is the worst of all.
She's still won't accept you as you are, mess or no mess.

Just quietly leave her out.