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AIBU about this Will?

(67 Posts)
Rugbycomet Sat 17-Nov-12 10:10:01

Background info...

My parents divorced two years ago. My father has a new partner but she was not the cause of the break up. Although I am not fond of this lady, she has been around for my father over the last couple of years whilst he was ill and very nearly died. In fact he probably would have if she hadn't been there and for that I am very grateful.

My father mentioned to me about ten months ago that he would like to leave something in his will for this lady and how did i feel about it? I said that it was his money but it should be a stated amount and not a percentage and only should they still be together and if she were to die before him, her share should not go to her children so be aware of that.

I have just found out that his estate will be divided into six equal shares. My brother and I will have a sixth each and his three grandchildren will also receive a sixth each. To my horror, this lady will also receive a sixth too.

I feel sick about this. It feels wrong to me but I understand its his money at the end of the day.

He didn't tell me btw about this so as far as he's aware, I know nothing about it.

How would you feel?

Wingedharpy Sat 17-Nov-12 18:01:51

And that, DeckSwabber, is why you should go through and update your will annualy, where needed.

DeckSwabber Sat 17-Nov-12 17:25:28

I like the idea of splitting between children and grandchildren. It means the next generation get an equal share regardless of the lifestyles and choices of the parents, but the parents get something too. What might buy a new car or pay off a bit of the mortgage for parents could give the grandchildren something towards a deposit on their first home or off university fees - everyone wins.

The only difficulty I see is if more GC come along later because they would miss out.

moajab Sat 17-Nov-12 15:28:59

Is your Dad likely to die soon? Because if not then I don't understand why you're worrying. Circumstances may well change, for example the birth of another grandchild, or he might marry this woman. (and you'd get less) or they may split up and you'll get more. Or of course he might need care as he gets older and there may be no money left to leave.

If he is likely to die soon than frankly I find your stressing about your share in the booty very cold and callous.

Merrin Sat 17-Nov-12 13:43:18

I think I understand, its about love isnt it? It must look like he loves her as much as you. Try not to think about it at all, you will feel better over time, and hopefully you wont have to think about it again for a long time.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 17-Nov-12 13:31:23

That exactly what I wondered where (and you have said it better!)

"I said that it was his money but it should be a stated amount and not a percentage"
I was intrigued by this preference of yours, and had to ponder on it a bit. The only thing I could come up with was that a percentage, as suggested by ShipwreckedAndComatose indicates the relative importance in his life of those inheriting. A stated amount smacks more of a fee for services rendered (although as has been pointed out, a stated amount is paid first and could wipe out everyone else's inheritance).

Is it that their not living together allowed you to 'downgrade' (in your eyes) the importance of their relationship to your father; whilst the even-handedness of the inheritance distribution 'upgrades' it? Do you just not feel comfortable with him being with someone who is not your mother?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 17-Nov-12 13:14:55

Op, I can see why this is not about the money. It's a symptom rather than the cause of your pain.

It's about the importance that this woman has in your fathers life and the fact that he equates her with you and also your children.

I can understand why this is painful for you.

Try to focus on the idea that anyone who is making your dad happy is a good thing. You cannot control who your dad loves or how much...but you can try to celebrate it and that your father is not lonely or sad in his life.

DontmindifIdo Sat 17-Nov-12 13:07:46

so she gets 1/6th of his estate and his children and their children get the rest? Seems fair to me. Would you think it sounded better if she got 1/6th and the rest was split between you and your DB so you got a bigger share with the assumption you will leave money to your DCs?

It's rather unusual to 'skip' a generation and give the money to DGC, not to your DCs, has your father explained why he doesn't trust you to give money to your own DCs???

You live away, she's there for everyday problems, he's probably very close to her, if you lived nearby you might see that.

whois Sat 17-Nov-12 13:02:32

YABU

1/5 vs 1/6 isn't a massive difference, it's not like he's leaving her half! She's obviously been there for him in recent times. Get over yourself.

CelticPromise Sat 17-Nov-12 12:59:53

YABU. Especially by trying to dictate what she could do with any share left to her. Do people really think like this?

I hope I don't inherit anything. My dearest mum died recently and I've told my dad to spend the lot!

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 12:24:04

house I think your situation is different though. There is clearly an unfairness there.
In the ops situation its equal.

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 12:22:05

she has been around for my father over the last couple of years whilst he was ill and very nearly died.

^^ this implies she did more than call 999.
At the end of the day there isn't a massive difference between 1/6 and 1/5. So ot is not making a huge difference to you.

You may not like her and she may not have been around long. But she is his partner and has been around at a difficult time. Also they could be together another 10-20 years (depending on their age).

Also remember time doesn't always equate to how important someone is to us.

2rebecca Germany Sat 17-Nov-12 12:13:57

You describe her as his "partner" so obviously see it as that sort of serious relationship even though they don't live together. I would have thought she may need the money more than your children who have their earning lives ahead of them and 2 parents to provide for them. 1/6 isn't much to leave a partner.

houseofpox Sat 17-Nov-12 11:45:33

I have much sympathy with you OP. My father has done similar, in fact he's leaving me 5%, my ne'erdowell but rather charming brother 10% and the rest goes to his wife and daughter that he had with her. It hurts but only because I know how he values money (screwed my mother over the divorce and does anything to protect his assets) and his current wife is one of the most deeply unpleasant people I know. She refuses to even live with my father and has ensconced herself in Surrey while he lives overseas. So i feel like he is rewarding her with (in his mind) his most important assets on a 'romantic notion' of what his wife should be.

He also seems to value his colleagues' babies over his grandchildren etc and it breaks my heart as my children adore him. They are all his blood, fun and nice to look at and well behaved. You know, traits grandparents should find reasonably positive.

Your children at least are valued, so you're ahead!

It has caused a massive impasse with my father as I feel unwanted and discarded for someone who doesn't even love him.

Narked Sat 17-Nov-12 11:44:05

They are not married and do not live together!

If they did she'd be getting a lot more than a sixth.

Kalisi Sat 17-Nov-12 11:42:14

Yabu and I think your DF is being extremely fair!
You are looking at it from the wrong angle. As you see it, your Father is giving the same amount to his children as to his new partner but that is not really the case.
It is quite unusual to leave money to Grandchildren so essentially,through them you and your brother will be receiving close to 85% of your Fathers estate. As his children are grown, his obligation is to support his partner/spouse. It sounds very odd to me that you gave conditions hmm

pinotmonster Sat 17-Nov-12 11:40:32

Makes me so sad when I see people contemplating how much money they will be left.

It means nothing - my dh died 2.5 yrs ago and I was well provided for - I would give it all back and be millions debt if it meant he could still be here and our children still had their dad. They don't care about money - they just want their dad.

Some people don't have anything to leave. What if he gave it to the local cats home - trust me the only important thing is the loss of the person and all they mean to you, not what they left in monetary terms.

Rugbycomet Sat 17-Nov-12 11:33:17

They are not married and do not live together!

MummytoKatie Sat 17-Nov-12 11:15:03

Agree with what the others said about the amount vs percentage. If he'd left her an amount then that would have come first even if it meant there was nothing left for any of you.

One thing to think about is what the law says if he decided to marry her - even if he died the day after the wedding. She would get the first £250k plus half the rest.this is because the law recognises spouses as having the most right to the money. This doesn't apply to partners but that is because it is very hard to define a partner. (As opposed to boyfriend or person you have gone to dinner with twice.)

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 11:13:46

Its right he looks after his spouse. Morally and legally. She is first in his life and he has an obligation to look after her.

My father remarried after my mothers death. DSM got everything, rightly so. Anything she has left over when she dies is divided between myself, my DSSis, and her daughter. Now I think about it, that excludes my brother and my own children grin Thats the the way the cookie crumbles.

His money, his choice, and of course he was right to do so. Same as your father is right to leave money to his WIFE.

Show him this thread and let him see what a money grabbing offspring he's produced. See if he chnages his will then grin

cbeebiesatemybrain Sat 17-Nov-12 11:06:44

Yabu, sorry. I won't be getting a penny when my selfish disinterested dad kicks the bucket. Be grateful yours is leaving you something!

Vivalebeaver Sat 17-Nov-12 11:03:50

I'm in the same situation but my dad has left everything to his new partner in his new will. So I won't get a penny. I wouldn't dream of telling him who he can and can't leave his money to.

TandB Sat 17-Nov-12 10:56:15

It seems like a perfectly normal and reasonable distribution to me.

There isn't much difference between a 1/5 share and a 1/6 share - but there is a big difference between nothing and a 1/6 share. So he has reduced your shares very slightly to give her something - he isn't proposing to leave her the lion's share of his estate - he is simply making the same provision for her as he is making for all of his loved-ones.

Dividing the estate into equal shares is a much less emotive statement than dividing it into 5 big shares and one tiny one. Equal shares doesn't necessarily say anything about people's relative worth to him, but giving someone a much smaller share than everyone else could easily be interpreted as a comment on that person's value to his life.

Presumably he is planning on spending a long time, possibly the rest of his life with this lady. So by the time this becomes relevant, she could be his wife or partner of twenty years or more. I'm guessing at that point equal shares will start looking like a pretty fair idea, given that people generally leave the larger part of their estate to their long-term partner or spouse. You may find yourself defending the equal shares provision at some point in the future!

You would not be unreasonable to feel agrieved if you were being cut out of the will, or having your provision substantially reduced in favour of this lady, but arguing that you should have more than her just makes you look greedy.

Narked Sat 17-Nov-12 10:45:03

And Catsrus makes a very good point. By leaving a % rather than a set amount she will not end up getting any more than you.

Rugbycomet Sat 17-Nov-12 10:42:37

Sitting in the sun...I have only discussed the will on this forum. I would not do so in the real world, hence why I came on here!

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