AIBU about this Will?(67 Posts)
My parents divorced two years ago. My father has a new partner but she was not the cause of the break up. Although I am not fond of this lady, she has been around for my father over the last couple of years whilst he was ill and very nearly died. In fact he probably would have if she hadn't been there and for that I am very grateful.
My father mentioned to me about ten months ago that he would like to leave something in his will for this lady and how did i feel about it? I said that it was his money but it should be a stated amount and not a percentage and only should they still be together and if she were to die before him, her share should not go to her children so be aware of that.
I have just found out that his estate will be divided into six equal shares. My brother and I will have a sixth each and his three grandchildren will also receive a sixth each. To my horror, this lady will also receive a sixth too.
I feel sick about this. It feels wrong to me but I understand its his money at the end of the day.
He didn't tell me btw about this so as far as he's aware, I know nothing about it.
How would you feel?
Makes me so sad when I see people contemplating how much money they will be left.
It means nothing - my dh died 2.5 yrs ago and I was well provided for - I would give it all back and be millions debt if it meant he could still be here and our children still had their dad. They don't care about money - they just want their dad.
Some people don't have anything to leave. What if he gave it to the local cats home - trust me the only important thing is the loss of the person and all they mean to you, not what they left in monetary terms.
Yabu and I think your DF is being extremely fair!
You are looking at it from the wrong angle. As you see it, your Father is giving the same amount to his children as to his new partner but that is not really the case.
It is quite unusual to leave money to Grandchildren so essentially,through them you and your brother will be receiving close to 85% of your Fathers estate. As his children are grown, his obligation is to support his partner/spouse. It sounds very odd to me that you gave conditions
They are not married and do not live together!
If they did she'd be getting a lot more than a sixth.
I have much sympathy with you OP. My father has done similar, in fact he's leaving me 5%, my ne'erdowell but rather charming brother 10% and the rest goes to his wife and daughter that he had with her. It hurts but only because I know how he values money (screwed my mother over the divorce and does anything to protect his assets) and his current wife is one of the most deeply unpleasant people I know. She refuses to even live with my father and has ensconced herself in Surrey while he lives overseas. So i feel like he is rewarding her with (in his mind) his most important assets on a 'romantic notion' of what his wife should be.
He also seems to value his colleagues' babies over his grandchildren etc and it breaks my heart as my children adore him. They are all his blood, fun and nice to look at and well behaved. You know, traits grandparents should find reasonably positive.
Your children at least are valued, so you're ahead!
It has caused a massive impasse with my father as I feel unwanted and discarded for someone who doesn't even love him.
You describe her as his "partner" so obviously see it as that sort of serious relationship even though they don't live together. I would have thought she may need the money more than your children who have their earning lives ahead of them and 2 parents to provide for them. 1/6 isn't much to leave a partner.
she has been around for my father over the last couple of years whilst he was ill and very nearly died.
^^ this implies she did more than call 999.
At the end of the day there isn't a massive difference between 1/6 and 1/5. So ot is not making a huge difference to you.
You may not like her and she may not have been around long. But she is his partner and has been around at a difficult time. Also they could be together another 10-20 years (depending on their age).
Also remember time doesn't always equate to how important someone is to us.
house I think your situation is different though. There is clearly an unfairness there.
In the ops situation its equal.
YABU. Especially by trying to dictate what she could do with any share left to her. Do people really think like this?
I hope I don't inherit anything. My dearest mum died recently and I've told my dad to spend the lot!
1/5 vs 1/6 isn't a massive difference, it's not like he's leaving her half! She's obviously been there for him in recent times. Get over yourself.
so she gets 1/6th of his estate and his children and their children get the rest? Seems fair to me. Would you think it sounded better if she got 1/6th and the rest was split between you and your DB so you got a bigger share with the assumption you will leave money to your DCs?
It's rather unusual to 'skip' a generation and give the money to DGC, not to your DCs, has your father explained why he doesn't trust you to give money to your own DCs???
You live away, she's there for everyday problems, he's probably very close to her, if you lived nearby you might see that.
Op, I can see why this is not about the money. It's a symptom rather than the cause of your pain.
It's about the importance that this woman has in your fathers life and the fact that he equates her with you and also your children.
I can understand why this is painful for you.
Try to focus on the idea that anyone who is making your dad happy is a good thing. You cannot control who your dad loves or how much...but you can try to celebrate it and that your father is not lonely or sad in his life.
"I said that it was his money but it should be a stated amount and not a percentage"
I was intrigued by this preference of yours, and had to ponder on it a bit. The only thing I could come up with was that a percentage, as suggested by ShipwreckedAndComatose indicates the relative importance in his life of those inheriting. A stated amount smacks more of a fee for services rendered (although as has been pointed out, a stated amount is paid first and could wipe out everyone else's inheritance).
Is it that their not living together allowed you to 'downgrade' (in your eyes) the importance of their relationship to your father; whilst the even-handedness of the inheritance distribution 'upgrades' it? Do you just not feel comfortable with him being with someone who is not your mother?
That exactly what I wondered where (and you have said it better!)
I think I understand, its about love isnt it? It must look like he loves her as much as you. Try not to think about it at all, you will feel better over time, and hopefully you wont have to think about it again for a long time.
Is your Dad likely to die soon? Because if not then I don't understand why you're worrying. Circumstances may well change, for example the birth of another grandchild, or he might marry this woman. (and you'd get less) or they may split up and you'll get more. Or of course he might need care as he gets older and there may be no money left to leave.
If he is likely to die soon than frankly I find your stressing about your share in the booty very cold and callous.
I like the idea of splitting between children and grandchildren. It means the next generation get an equal share regardless of the lifestyles and choices of the parents, but the parents get something too. What might buy a new car or pay off a bit of the mortgage for parents could give the grandchildren something towards a deposit on their first home or off university fees - everyone wins.
The only difficulty I see is if more GC come along later because they would miss out.
And that, DeckSwabber, is why you should go through and update your will annualy, where needed.
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