Please help me understand if I'm being unreasonable(99 Posts)
Please help me get some perspective - I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. My DH works really long hours, not usually at home until after I've gone to bed during the week & gone early in the morning. He has a demanding job & I'm grateful for the financial security he brings to our family. I don't make any demands on him during the week at all, ever, I make one request which is that he gets home at a decent time on a Friday so he can spend some time with the kids (& me) & we can "start the weekend". I do everything to do with the home & our 3 kids plus I also work, I have just started a new business, I work every day during school hours & then from home when necessary, plus do all the after school clubs, dinners etc etc.
Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm (we live 5 mins from station) as he went to the pub to see a friend on the way home. He texted me to say the train would be in at 6.30-7 depending on how quickly it got home as it was going a bit slow?!?!! When I smelt drink on him, he told me he'd had a drink with the CEO before he'd left! When I found out he'd been to the pub I was a bit miffed, but we were at pizza express with the kids so I didn't kick up a fuss, but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub. He got really aggressive towards me (not physically at all) but he made me apologise to him & told me it was all my fault that I'd made something of this all & it was nothing. He said I could f&@k off & to stop going on at him all the time - I don't think I go on at him except for this Friday night thing.
AIBU - should I just overlook these Friday evening pub trips, is it fair for him to go to the pub because he needs to chill out after a hard week or is it acceptable for me to expect him to come home at the earliest possible opportunity? Please please help me - I just don't know what to think anymore!
Gosh it's just a quick wind down drink on a Friday after work... 50 minutes all in all from stepping off the train to getting home.
Why do you think he feels the need to lie?
I think he is being unreasonable to lie to you, but it's not that unreasonable for him to spend 45minutes a week at the pub. Would be worried about the aggressiveness and the lying more than a drink at the pub.
I think it depends on a few things.
Could he go to the pub a different night?
Does he spend all of Saturday and Sunday with you?
When do you get to go out and see people?
Is he going to keep this schedule up forever?
It's tough because I think you're being a bit unreasonable -- him popping to the pub for less than an hour on the way home is not really so bad.
But at the same time, your overall setup, where you do absolutely everything around the house and he's never home, doesn't really sound like much fun, or very sustainable. Are you really happy living this way?
YANBU. The Friday evening pub trips i would say were okay, but why is he lying to you about having a drink with the CEO when he's actually been out with a mate then insisting on walking the dog and having a go at you when you offer to do it?
Getting waylaid on the way home with a mate is acceptable. Lying about being with the CEO then trying to sneak out and having a go at you when you question it is not.
I don't think YABU.
He doesn't need to go to the pub.
If it was for work purpose then i wouldn't mind but it doesn't sound like it was.
The worst bit is that he lied. You are right to be angry.
3 dcs, you work, you are alone during the week. He has a good job, cant you get someone one afternoon/eve a week to give yourself a break?
Can he not go to the pub when the kids are in bed? I think he may need a drink by a Friday night, and an hour wouldn't hurt, if he did it after he had seen the kids.
I would be more upset about the lying than the drinking
Thanks for the replies..... In answer to some of the questions, no he couldn't go out any other night cos he's usually working til about 11pm. This Friday night was a very quick slope off, he usually finishes work early on a Friday at about 5.30 - 6 ish & then goes to the pub for a few hours, getting home at about 9 ish - by which time the kids are in bed & more often than not so am I!! He does spend most weekends at home - but sometimes goes into work & always does some work frm home.
I guess he lies because he knows I won't like it..... but I feel that if he has the opportunity to finish early he should come home & see his family - he often doesn't see the kids from Sunday eve to Saturday morn. They cry often cos they haven't seen him. It is the lying & aggression that bothers me most
I don't go out very often - I can't "slope off" as I can't leave the kids. If I go out once in a blue moon it's a full on military operation to arrange for him to be home on time etc!
No I'm not happy living like this - but not sure I could change it..... He says he works to support the family but it is his life, I'm not sure he could drop it!
I think you are being unreasonable. If he is working hard and has a job with responsibility, he is entitled to spend an hour after work at the pub in a week.
He's probably lieing because he knows you will react like this. Give the man a break!
Hmmmmm - I guess I could get a babysitter in - but my issue is with him choosing to spend time in the pub when he could be with the family.... I just don't feel that it's acceptable to put the pub above your kids?
"Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm"
erm, thats not even an hour... YABU.. everyone deserves a bit of time to themselves to wind down..
Maybe he needs to unwind after a long week - you say he works till 11 and leaves in the morning before you wake up - say 7. That is 16 hours a day or 80 hours a week. He will probably be better with the kids if he gets a chance to unwind without them for an hour and then perhaps go out later in the evening.
If you can get a babysitter, you can do the same. He is lying and aggressive because you think he is wrong and he is being defensive.
Talk to him. Perhaps agree an hour in the pub after the train then get babysitter on friday night and both go after the kids are in bed for time together?
But he hasn't seen the kids since sunday eve, is it really more important for him to have a pint than to see the kids
What you're saying is very reasonable. Apart form him trying to slope off and use the phone/meet somebody with the excuse of walking the dog and losing the plot at you when you interfere.
I'm very pro-men and am usually the last person to say this but I think he's cheating on you.
I would totally give you the benefit of the doubt if it hadn't been for him behaving like that about the dog walking. And dog walking is an excuse as old as the hills.
Sorry, I really think he is cheating on you.
squeakytoy why did he lie about being out for a drink with the CEO then?
Give the guy a break, he has 3 kids and he can't organise his fucking work to get home before 11pm!!!
I'd have given him a break years ago.
A fucking broken neck.
No job needs those hours, no one is actually producing anything constructive putting hours like that he and or his employer is taking the piss.
It's not a case of 'what's more important' - the kids or the pub.
He spent less than an hour having a very quick drink after a massively busy week.
That doesn't mean he doesn't want to go home to his family...it just means he wants a quick drink on a Friday after a busy week.
If you don't get your own wind down time then that's something you need to discuss, but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here and telling him what you think he should do when he finally clocks off from work.
What time do the kids go to bed? I do think he should aim to be home before then on a Friday, just to say goodnight, but when I started reading your post, I thought you were going to say he goes out till 4am or something. He sounds like he deserves a bit of wind down time on a Friday night -as long as he makes sure you get the same over the weekend. Does he do that?
squeakytoy why did he lie about being out for a drink with the CEO then?
Because he doesn't need the hassle from the OP?
If I stopped off for a quick (and let's face it, it was a remarkably quick) drink after working those hours and I knew my DH was going to make me feel guilty, I would probably lie too.
Actually I wouldn't, I'd tell him to stop being so controlling.
It's not like none of them got to go to Pizza Express and eat together as a family because of it.
worraliberty - this week was 50 mins - its usually 3 hrs! It absolutely is a question of kids v pub. If he goes to the pub on a Friday that's another day when he doesn't see the kids
worraliberty yes we did get to pizza express - but my youngest fell asleep during main course
natashabee - no I don't get wind down time over the weekend. But that's not my issue - its putting his needs before his kids needs
Worra, I understand that. Bloke meets mate for drink, makes a little excuse, gets caught out, admits he was at the pub, fine. Understandable.
But why blow his top when he's trying to sneak out later? If he was trying to sneak out to the pub and was foiled it would be irritating, but not a reason to blow his top like he did.
He was trying to go out to call somebody I think....
Well if you're going to drip feed you're wasting everyone's time.
Had you included that in your OP, my reply might have been different.
However you're still using emotive language like 'putting the pub before his kids' because he wants a balance between a massive amount of working hours and spending time with his family.
Is he allowed no inbetween at all...ever?
You don't seem to want to go out yourself according to your previous post so it seems your only gripe is that he's not running straight to you from work and back again?
Seriously you lot stand for DHs regularly working until 11pm?
I know people who's DHs travel and get home at that time sometimes, but not day in day out week in week out.
They work from home at other times and see THEIR children.
Get him to find another job, stop living in the South East (I assume you do).
Down size, send the DCs to the local state school and give your children the life they actually want, not some Yuppie dream.
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