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to be frightened, firm and fucking furious?

(173 Posts)
SomeoneElseHere Fri 16-Nov-12 15:00:23

NC as identifiable.

We live abroad in a residence where all the families go to the bar on a Friday night for drinks. The kids all run around together unsupervised. I expect people think I'm a bit paranoid and helicoptery for supervising DD but there is a swimming pool, a lake and other dangers. Parents seem to think that the bigger kids will look out for the little ones. I don't like to go there very often to be honest, because it annoys me that everyone else is chatting and drinking and I'm running round after a bunch of kids. DH thinks I'm OTT, and so is very half-hearted in his supervision.

DD is 3. She has a friend who is also 3, and another who is 4. The other kids are all older.

DH took DD alone tonight as I was feeling ill. They came back. She was wet. She had sat on the edge of the pool and dunked her legs in. Her 4 year old friend was with her. No-one else.

I am now saying that we will not go unless she is with one of us (or another adult) AT ALL TIMES. DH thinks she 'deserves another chance'. hmm IMO it's not a case of 'another chance. It's not like she spilt juice when she wasn't sitting at the table. She got in the fricking swimming pool in the dar with no-one around (pool is hidden by wall and trees).

AIBU? This is mostly a rant, as I know I'm not BU and even if you say I am I'm not backing down.

Furious, I tell you. angry

Whoknowswhocares Mon 19-Nov-12 11:55:00

I'd be too scared that OH would not have 'got it' sufficiently to risk letting him have sole charge in that situation again.
At least not for a VERY long time. The OP was not at fault the first time as she was unaware of just how stupid her Oh was capable of being. She no longer has that luxury

YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU

Reading that made me feel sick. My son almost drowned age 2 in the pond at the local park. It was only by the grace of God that I was alerted in the nick of time.

Your DH does not understand the seriousness of this.

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 11:36:44

"quite a price for a gamble to see if he will do his job properly"

I doubt that Op was doing that!

Even if my husband was "half hearted" compared to me-it wouldn´t occur to me that when in sole charge he wouldn´t actively keep his child away from a swimming pool

Lets hope that it´s resolved now & her husband will step up in future.

All parents not bothering with their kids as they don´t want to be the only ones to-can´t believe that adults would bow to such peer pressure-if that´s what it is.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Mon 19-Nov-12 11:28:38

I see what you are saying diddl and I think it is a good point but a child's life is quite a price for a gamble to see if he will do his job properly.

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 11:23:16

"Of course it's not all the ops fault but the girl has two parents."

Yes she does have two-but by the sounds of things only one of them CBA to bother.

I was thinking perhaps he doesn´t make the effort because OP always does & therefore he doesn´t have to when she is there.

Well there are still areas where kids can play out unsupervised.

But obviously where there is an accessible pool isn´t one.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Mon 19-Nov-12 11:13:07

Of course it's not all the ops fault but the girl has two parents.

We all should be able leave our front doors open and let young children play out alone but we cant. So we don't

Quite a gamble to think he'd make the effort in this case if he's never been seen to before.

Rollmops Mon 19-Nov-12 08:45:10

YANBU the slightest. I am furious on your behalf. Children at that age and much older, even, should not be without adult supervision around pools etc. Even if the child has had swimming lessons etc. he/she is still very much in danger of drowning if accidentally pushed/fallen into deep water.
The adults in your expat (one assumes) bar are imbeciles.

diddl Mon 19-Nov-12 06:52:45

So it´s all the OPs fault??

That´s a perfect get out for her husband, isn´t it?

That he doesn´t bother & therefore she will?

Lazy twat who probably daren´t parent when others aren´t.

Oh well, if there´s an accident, at least he can take comfort in the fact that he wasn´t embarrassing himself by caring enough to watch his daughter.

Maybe OP thought he would make the effort if he had to?

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Sun 18-Nov-12 23:38:48

Thank you, Brycie. I felt like I was a lone voice for a minute there.

fluffypillow Sun 18-Nov-12 21:17:32

If you knew that your DH is very 'half hearted' in his supervision of your DD at these evenings (you stated this in your op), then why did you let him take her alone anyway?

You said you were ill, but I think you may have put your DDs safety second too. YABU for that, sorry.

Brycie Sun 18-Nov-12 21:08:14

Can't abide this "I've lived abroad so you know nothing" attitude.

Brycie Sun 18-Nov-12 21:07:03

I've never lived in Hong Kong but I have friends who did, where the thing to do was junk parties at the weekend. Everyone wanted to be relaxed, bring all the kids, blah blah. Children drowned.

Brycie Sun 18-Nov-12 21:05:47

Chandon - it really is possible to have travelled and lived in various different climates including tropical climates and still think it's not great to have children up till late running around unsupervised in a bar with adults drinking and an open pool nearby. People get blase about it because "everyone does it" and no one wants to be a party pooper, and xx bar is the place to be on xx day with "everybody". Lots of countries where expats live are too hot to have children running around outside between say 11 and four. They don't sleep all that time. They're usually indoors, at school, nursery, playdates, eating, playing, at home, maybe even swimming or in the car being taken to the supermarket - guess what - just like everybody in the UK.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Sun 18-Nov-12 20:02:01

"Kitty post is typical of someone who has never steped outsde their iwn town, and cannt imagine how other people live..." [sic]

chandon, with respect, you don't know where I've lived or what I've experienced in my life. I've got an opinion on this situation and I've given it. I believe that's what open forums are for.

Inertia Sun 18-Nov-12 18:15:09

If he 'sort of' gets it, then he is not taking it anywhere near seriously enough.
If he got it, he'd have been horrified from the second he found her , and looking for every possible way to keep her safe in future.

I see why you don't want to show him this this thread, but is there a national safety website(ROSPA?? ) with relevant stats you could look at together ?

financialwizard Sun 18-Nov-12 17:14:01

YANBU. I would be apoplectic. It is far too dangerous for a child of that age to be anywhere near water like a swimming pool without adult supervision.

If it were me I would have told my husband he was a complete pratt and kicked him into touch.

Chandon Sun 18-Nov-12 15:06:38

Kitty post is typical of someone who has never steped outsde their iwn town, and cannt imagine how other people live....

The heat changes everything, we lived in a place where it would be simply too hot to go put in the sun with kds betwen 11 and 5, so they would napand then we would swim after dinner, bed much later than here.

Glad you ad a good chat about it op, it is too impotsnt not to!

Welovecouscous Sat 17-Nov-12 18:05:54

Great and I would just 'happen' to give him don't let's go to the dogs tonight for Xmas .

nannyl Sat 17-Nov-12 17:48:59

pleased to hear he has realised how dangerous his actions were

BegoniaBampot Sat 17-Nov-12 14:31:07

Seems you've got it sorted OP. just hope he realises how truly dangerous this can be.

SomeoneElseHere Sat 17-Nov-12 14:13:44

Sorry, been out all day.

Firstly, I'm not going to apologise for taking my daughter out to our on-site bar/restaurant for occasioanl evenings. As has been stated laready, it's really hot and humid here (not in Australia, in developing South East Asian country, there are quite a few Australian here though).

Have spoken at length with DH. Won't be showing him the thread as he got horribly upset when I asked something about him on here before (he was being UR!) so would rather he thought about it without him thinking MN have whipped me up into a frenzy. I think, after our chat, he does get it (sort of). His comment about 'another chance' was apparently when he thought I was banning her from coming with us at all, when I thought we were talking about very close supervision.

Either way, it seems we are (pretty much) on the same page now. In that, I have put my foot firmly down and she will be supervised when there at all times. He agrees to take repsonsibility for this as well as me, but I'd rather know for sure, IYSWIM?

BegoniaBampot Sat 17-Nov-12 11:55:53

It can happen so quickly. My husband was in a small baby pool with our 12 month old. The baby was in of those inflatable things they sit in just bobbing about. I was at the side discussing lunch with him when I noticed the inflatable bobbing empty. I looked down and the baby was lying on the bottom just looking up at me. No fear, no splashing it was so calm. I screamed and husband realised and reached over and pulled him up, he was that close. It was terrifying and I still can't believe how easy these things can happen. Water is just treacherous for little children.

differentnameforthis Sat 17-Nov-12 11:49:22

and my girls will be up way past bedtime

differentnameforthis Sat 17-Nov-12 11:48:08

It doesn't matter, the time is irrelevant. Where you think the child should be is irrelevant.

It's summer here, we are a few weeks off our summer holidays (when the girls will get 7 weeks off school/kindy) and my girls are up way past bedtime because it is too damn hot to sleep, so we relax/play/chat in the pool & they go to bed when it is (albeit slightly) cooler. Seriously, going to bed when it is 35 odd is NOT comfortable.

You also miss the point that sometimes it is too damn hot to socialise most days, so we do a lot of it at night when the temp drops enough to feel comfortable outside. For a 3yr old this is no issue, as they don't have school the next day.

Time is irrelevant. This could easily have happened at 4pm at a kids get together. You take umbridge because the op's dh dared to be socialising too!

flow4 Sat 17-Nov-12 11:39:31

kitty, you seem to have missed some background info: the OP lives in a hot overseas country where children have long afternoon naps and are awake later than might be usual in the UK. Children in hot countries are often 'tucked up in bed' during the hottest part of the day, rather than the evenings, which are coolest.

Also, 'the club' is an important part of many ex-pats lives - and just as important for the children as the adults. It wouldn't be good for the OP's child to be deprived entirely of this social contact.

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