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To think that the parents of bullies have it easy

(171 Posts)
EnyainIkea Thu 15-Nov-12 23:56:00

Because I see the efforts that the VICTIMS of bullying have to make to get support. They have to go through the hoops of trying to convince teachers and headteachers that they have a case in the first place. They have to convince these people that their child is not making it up, exaggerating, over-reacting and then wait.... whilst they hope the problem is being tackled by the school.

The parents are usually left in the dark about what "measures" are being taken to tackle the bullying behaviour "because that's confidential and can't be discussed". They have to reassure their children that they are trying to help and, of course, they did the right thing by telling them because now we can help you when, in actual fact, the parent feels absolutely powerless.

And then there are the meetings where it's suggested that your child is maybe not robust enough or needs to walk away from situations, or learn to stand up for themselves. You end up thinking that you need to move YOUR child from that classroom or, worse still, the school.

AIBU in thinking that the parents of the "accused" bullies are having it easy in comparison to this?

And BTW I would LOVE to hear from parents who have children who have been accused of bullying for the simple reason that I have never heard your side of the experience and it would help me immensely to know what YOU go through!

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:06:29

No.

Having seen a close friend on her knees emotionally because her child was always in trouble for bullying and bad behaviour, I'd say they don't necessarily have it easy at all.

The child was a constant source of worry to her and affected the entire family.

She just felt completely helpless and got very little support for his behaviour as he had no known 'conditions' IYSWIM.

Startail Fri 16-Nov-12 00:10:22

I'd love to hear them too OP.
However, since the parent of the boy who bullied DD didn't seem to think his behaviour was wrong, you may have a long wait.

She seemed to think that picking on DD because she's "different" was fineangry

He was a nice lad at heart, but as long as his family taught it was ok to make himself feel more confident by kicking the underdog. He was going to end up in trouble.

TacticalWheelbarrow Fri 16-Nov-12 00:10:35

My best friend when I was at secondary school was bullied horrendously by this one nasty girl for months, we were 13. The school did nothing.
One day the bully got her 18 year old cousins to meet her after school and the followed my friend home spitting at her, after months of torment my friend snapped and beat the shit out of the bully. Good for her I say.
BUT the next day the police came into school and arrested my friend and the school were talking about expelling her, I told my mum and she dragged me into school and marched me into the head's office to tell her what had been happening.
She wasn't charged but she was interviewed by police.
I believe the school system hasn't improved much since then (and this wasn't that long ago) no matter how much crap they spout about anti bullying policies.
So YANBU!

YerMaw1989 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:12:50

YABU, No.

my son was a total mare' last year, aggressive, poor social skills you name it.
his speech was/is an issue and I think largely linked to his frustration, people would often go 'Wha'' in his face, I struggled not to crack them never mind a vulnerable toddler angry.

Ignorant people are very quick to assume its because of the parents , I'm the most mellow person I know and my fear of ostracisation/ aggro from other parents lead me to have my DP pick him up instead due to my fears. That never leaves you and he may have been labelled for the rest of his life.

Worra's right with the 'well they aren't disabled?' mentality which leads people to think they have obviously been taught to bully.

McChristmasPants2012 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:15:50

I hate it that my son is often accused of being a bully.

trust me i do not get any kicks out of this, he is punished when he gets home and i have been in the school countless time, he has been monitored and the same result has been made that he is not malicious he just don't know when to stop and the other kids encourage him.

I am at a lost what to do.

TacticalWheelbarrow Fri 16-Nov-12 00:20:06

See the thing is some kids bully because the do have some underlying issues that have affected them in some ways but others just do it because they are nasty. How do we discern between the two? You can't just punish one and let the other off.
My DS has been through hell with me and his dad splitting up and his dad concentrating on his new family and pushing him out. But if he bullied another child I would fully expect him to be punished just the same as another kid who had the "perfect" home life.

TacticalWheelbarrow Fri 16-Nov-12 00:21:25

mcchristmas that must be horrible for you sad does he say why he bulliesother kids, is there a reason you can think of?

I was badly bullied and I know for a fact that the ringleaders parents did all they could to stop her but nothing worked. Her mum came to apologise to me and burst into tears. She felt very ashamed. She was suspended, taught at home, walked to and from school, grounded and even sent to stay with her Gran for a while. To no avail. Our mums both walked out of a meeting where we sat together to work things out and she whipped me across the face with a ruler. She was out of control.

McChristmasPants2012 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:25:18

he has austism

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:25:46

Regarding blaming the parents...

I don't think a lot of parents are to blame if their kids start bullying (some are, if they're racist/disablist/generally nasty) so I wouldn't automatically blame them.

But if once they've been called into school about it and they turn a blind eye/ live in denial/don't support the school/ don't punish their child etc...

Then I blame the parents for not doing everything they can to put a stop to it early doors.

MORCAPS Fri 16-Nov-12 00:26:39

I don't know.

When chatting to DS1 about this subject we talked about how it would be sadder for a mum if her kid was the bully.

If your kid is being bullied then it is no reflection on you/them because they are not doing anything wrong. If your child is the bully then if you have to face the fact that there is something terribly wrong with your child/family/parenting.

I don't think there are any easy options.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:27:28

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive

I hate to say 'great post' for obvious reasons sad

But that was what I was trying to get at regarding not automatically blaming the parents.

My friend was at her wits end too and constantly in tears over it.

TacticalWheelbarrow Fri 16-Nov-12 00:27:48

mcchristmas if you don't mind me asking do you think he should be punished for what he does? Or do you think there should be something else put in place eg. Working with a councillor (one that specialises with sen)?

LDNmummy Fri 16-Nov-12 00:33:13

No child is born nasty enough to bully another child. There is always a reason stemming from emotional or psychological problems IMO.

McChristmasPants2012 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:33:38

I support the school 100% and anythink they want to do i agree.

when hitting other kids, yes he should be punished

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 16-Nov-12 00:33:50

At my school they were very lax about the bullying metred out to me and my friends by the rest of the class because we were simply a smaller group of pupils funding and it would cost the school less to loose us than them. Also when I left the school because of the bullying they called a potential new school to warn them not to take me on (luckily, as it was a rough school anyway, I got into a nice school with decent kids).

You know I would love to hear from the parents of bullies

but from those i've met i'd doubt they could string a sentence together, let alone compose a post on hear, unless it contains the thrase "character building"

EnyainIkea Fri 16-Nov-12 00:34:49

Sympathies to the parents of children who have been labelled as bullies. It's not easy either side of the coin I am sure. My frustration is the sense that everyone is bending over backwards to help the bullies and their families. I feel that I am the one who is being stigmatised by constantly being on the school's back for the simple reason I don't feel I am being believed or listened to.

The term "bullying" is not even being allowed to be spoken and I think they are missing an opportunity to really tackle the situation by burying their heads in the sand. Instead of giving the whole class lessons in "being nice" to each other I think they would be better off targetting the children who truly have a problem about "being nice". All the strategies my school seem to have in place are so bloody woolly. I am not saying that the parents are to blame just that measures need to be taken to tackle to the root of the problem and deal with the child who is bullying rather than trying to "manage" the child who is being bullied.

McChristmasPants2012 Fri 16-Nov-12 00:37:58

or sinister you could spell 'here' right.

not all parents are Lax, I hate it that my son is making other children education suffer. I feel guilty over it. I want him to stop and think.

Cahoots Fri 16-Nov-12 00:40:15

I think being the parent of a bully would be horrible, you would feel judged by everyone, you would feel terrible for the child being bullied and I think you would feel sad, scared, angry and ashamed that your child was the bully. Even if you believed that your child was not a bully you would still feel awful.
However you look at it, it's an upsetting situation.

TacticalWheelbarrow Fri 16-Nov-12 00:41:28

LDN I disagree, unfortunately thousands of kids are bullied throughout their school years (and that's only the ones that are severely bullied over a long time not the odd shove here and there) I find it hard to believe that every one of them bullies suffer from emotional or physical problems. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but some kids just do it. Just like some kids in the heat of the moment will nick a sweet from a shop, there is no reason behind it they just do it. It's part of growing up and being immature, I'm sure adults who were bullies look back and feel very ashamed at what they done but it was because they didn't think like adults back then because they weren't one.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:45:03

I am not saying that the parents are to blame just that measures need to be taken to tackle to the root of the problem and deal with the child who is bullying rather than trying to "manage" the child who is being bullied.

I think they need to concentrate on both to be honest.

My DS's school is as strict as fuck about bullying...they really do have a no tolerance policy.

My eldest DS was attacked by a gang of boys at the end of my road on a Saturday afternoon. He was 15 at the time and they were all around 18 but ex pupils at his school.

Despite the fact it happened on a saturday, nowhere near the school, the kids (apart from my DS and his friend) no longer attended the school....the Head of year got to hear about it and took DS and his friend to his office.

He then produced a photo book of ex pupils, got them to point the boys out and then passed the information onto the Police (Police couldn't act as they didn't know who they were or where they lived.)

I wish all schools would share good practice and have a proper zero tolerance policy.

It's in the school's best interest as well as the pupils because most of the pupils getting picked on, were bright intelligent kids...or 'geeks' as the bullies would call them. So if schools got more involved, I'm sure kids wouldn't be so afraid to be seen as 'geeky' and their exam results would go right up.

WorraLiberty Fri 16-Nov-12 00:47:31

When I say the Police couldn't act...I meant they could once the school passed the information on.

Thanks Worra. Even though they couldn't stop her it helped to know that they were doing their best. I felt for her mum. She was a lovely lady. I feel sorry for the girl too. I happened to meet her when we both went to the same hospital in labour. She had 6 kids by the age of 27, lost one to cot death, she doesn't see any of her children now as she is drug addict and prostitute. I remember her saying that the child she was carrying was being removed from her immediately after birth. Oddly she seemed to remember me affectionately from school and I just couldn't bring myself to say how miserably she treated me. I hope that one day she can be at peace within herself.

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 16-Nov-12 00:53:13

well, thanks for pointing out the spelling mistake miss christmas as I am slowly typing this on a crap phone i'm sure there will be more.

My experience of the girls who bullied me, I know some of them had their problems, but I know the main offenders mums where pretty unbothered about what their daughters were doing. When my next door neighbours dd came into my back garden and started threatening me my neighbour assured my mum that she would be grounded, 10 mins later she was playing outside like nothing had happened.

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